Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This Before….

A few months ago, Joaquin Phoenix spit at Oscar and told Interview that taking part in the Oscar game is like chasing a carrot that’s been marinated in shit (read: a carrot that tastes like his taint). Joaquin Phoenix later took back his comments when he realized that he was an Oscar contender this year and really just wants to wrap his hands around that majestic gold-plated dildo statute like everybody else. Joaquin is done with trashing the Oscars for now, but Ethan Hawke is picking up where he left off. Ethan Hawke told Gotham Magazine (via P6) that the Oscars ain’t shit and he thinks the Oscars are destroying the movie industry the same way peroxide destroyed his hotness. Ethan pretty much co-signed everything Joaquin said including the part about carrots.

“People want to turn everything in this country into a competition . . . [so] it’s clear who the winner is and who the loser is. It’s why they like to announce the grosses of movies, because it’s a way of saying, ‘This one is No. 1.’ It’s so asinine . . . if you look at how many forgettable, stupid movies have won Oscars and how many mediocre performers have Oscars above their fireplace. Making a priority of chasing these fake carrots and money and dubious accolades, I think it’s really destructive.”

You can say that Ethan Hawke is snarling at Oscar, because he hasn’t been nominated for once since 2004. You can also says that Ethan Hawke is just grumpy in general, because he looks like a depression era Guy Fieri. But you can’t say that he’s not telling the truth for the most part. If the Oscars weren’t a popularity contest run by studio executives and truly honored the greatest works in cinema, Showgirls would have won at least 11 Oscars and every dog who played Benji would have an Oscar. And none of us would have the memory of GOOPY Paltrow’s ugly pink princess dress embedded into our brains, because she would’ve never even been nominated!

But whatever, if Ethan ever wins an Oscar, I’m sure he’ll be up there saying, “This is such an honor! I love you, Oscar! Now, let’s eat some carrots!“

And seriously, why does Hollywood hate carrots so much?!

Would You Hit It?

In case you don’t know who this is, I’ll give you five possible answers:

a) Samantha Ronson in 20 years
b) The sixth place winner in a Billy Idol look-alike contest at a bar in Manchester
c) A Hot Topic assistant manager dressed in Guy Fieri cosplay
d) A volunteer model from Billie Joe Armstrong’s School of Beauty
e) Ethan Hawke

Any of those answers work, but the real answer is Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke worked a bleached mop and Urban Decay eyeliner while posing with his cast mates and the playwright at the opening night of the play Clive in NYC last night. Yes, I’d hit it. And I’d hit it extra hard if you told me that Ethan’s carpet matches his bleached drapes. I am all for blond pubes with black roots.

In Other Foreskin News….

While Oprah loves smearing foreskin on her face, Taylor Swift wants nothing to do with it. We finally know the real reason why Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up. It’s not because he has the face-sucking skills of a slimy garden wanderer or because she wouldn’t put out.  It’s because Harry was sick of Taylor whining at him to get circumcised. Taylor did not like the fact that his dick looks E.T. going for an undercover bike ride.

A completely reliable source who totally isn’t the intern at The National Enquirer tells Mike Walker (via Lainey Gossip) that Taylor Swift is no friend of H.O.O.P.’s, because she can’t stand uncut penis.

“Taylor didn’t like the fact that English-born Harry was not circumcised – she even suggested he undergo surgery! Harry made it clear he had no intention of changing anything. He asked her not to mention it again. But Taylor never missed the chance to poke fun or make a comment. At first, Harry just rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her, but the final straw came when she suggested once again that he get…snipped!”

This is extremely good news for fans of uncut dick and fans of dick of every kind (aka the team I’m on). More uncut dick for us! I’ve never cared if the peen is naked or wearing a Slanket. It has never mattered to me. I’ve seen some scary-looking uncut peen and I’ve seen a cut dick that looked like it was wearing a chewed-up calamari ring as a necklace. They botched that shit. But I still didn’t care. If it can get the job done, who cares? And I don’t even care if the uncut peen is covered with seven kinds of cracker spread. Just scoop it out, use it to open your first Hickory Farms franchise and keep the fun moving.

Here’s peen hood hater Taylor Swift at the 40 Principales Awards in Madrid last night.