Say what you will about Nicole Kidman’s taste in men and wigs (and let’s face it, beards), but I don’t think anybody would claim she’s a bad mom. In an interview with the Australian magazine with the delightfully shady title “Who?” (question mark my addition), Nicole finally discussed her relationship with her two eldest children with Tom Cruise; Connor Cruise (23) and Isabella Cruise (25). It is with much shame and consternation that I report I got touched in the feels (which I thought had all turned into a globule of See’s Peanut Brittle, which if you’ve never tried it, is totally worth exchanging for celebrity empathy) reading about Nicole’s thoughts on her children’s decision to go the way of L. Ron Hubbard.
Connor Cruise, the 17-year-old son of Tommy Cruise and the sometime son of Nicole Kidman, has once again proven that old saying “the rotten apple doesn’t fall from the insane fucking tree” right. Since Connor has a famous last name and can press play on an iTunes playlist, he DJs at fancy events now and DirecTV hired him to play songs at their pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday night in Indianapolis. Connor’s ex-publicist, Todd Krim was also in Indianapolis for the Super Bowel and after the New England Tom Bradys (since he’s obviously the only player on the team, Gis) lost against the Giants, Todd rubbed the loss into the Pats-loving skin of Connor Cruise by Tweeting this to him: “Sorry @TheConnorCruise maybe next year!!!”
Just like his daddy, Connor has the sense of humor of one of Xenu’s wet dingles and so he freaked out at Todd in an e-mail response to him. Never fuck with your former publicist, because they will pass that e-mail to Page Six:
That was a gay ass [bleeping] tweet . . . U don’t say [bleep] like that about my team the second they lose. Low.”
Todd wrote back and said he was joking, to which Connor responded with: “That was [bleeped] and Idgaf!” Todd told Page Six that he was offended by Connor’s rant and that he wasn’t expecting that kind of response after everything he’s done for him. Connor then jumped on the back of his rep’s Big Wheel and back pedaled all the way back with this statement to P6:
“What I texted was unacceptable. It is not a reflection of who I am and what I feel, and it certainly won’t happen again.”
It’s no surprise that Connor is redefining “spoiled,” but is it really that serious? It’s just a football game (insert a horse kick from Gisele Bundchen to my ass bone here). Connor should take his frustrations out by jumping on Oprah’s couch or by calling Matt Lauer glib. There’s no need to go [bleep]ing crazy on an adult over a stupid joke. That dumb joke wasn’t low at all. Low is being a part of a church that won’t let your Auntie John Travolta proudly lick on the Dominican peen he loves so much in public. That’s low.
And what’s with that “gay ass [bleeing] Tweet” shit? Let me fix that for you, Connor: “That was a MY FATHER ass [bleeping] tweet.” There, that’s a little better.
Here’s 16-year-old Connor Cruise coming face-to-face with a pair of bare titties in Miami over the weekend. (For the NSFW version, click here.) The face Connor Cruise is making is the exact opposite face his dad Tommy Girl makes when he comes across lady chichis in the wild. If this was Tommy Girl, his face would contort into a glib seizure, the Thetans around his Scientolohole would throw themselves in Xenu’s volcano and his handlers would have to sweep in to cradle him close while whispering in his ear to go to his happy place. THIS, being his happy place.
Topless homegirl’s friend knows what I’m talking about. She’s definitely throwing a “Bitch, you’re braver than me. The last time I flashed a Cruise, his hos covered my tits with dick-shaped nipple cozies” side-eye. But they were safe around Connor who didn’t seem to mind that he was sharing breathing space with areolas of the female variety. Meanwhile, back at his hotel…
The Daily Mail has pictures of Tommy Girl with a pussy all over his face. Yes, it’s true that even Siegfried and Roy wouldn’t throw a treat at Tiger Girl, but it’s also true that looking at Tommy in tiger face is really making me with there was an animated children’s series called ThunderGays.