Category: Clay Aiken
Yes, We Know
Even Gayken’s turkey baster baby is saying, “DUH!” Gayken officially came screaming out of the closet on the cover of People Magazine. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of thousands of middle-aged conservative Claymates tearing down their Gayken shrines. Hahaha! We told you, dumb bitches!
VIA Huffington Post
Squinty!!!!!!
It’s been a long ass time since I’ve seen Squinty Zellweger’s signature squint out in full force like this. It makes my eyeballs twitch and my mouth crave salty lemons. Nobody squints the way she can! Liza Garza tries, but her squint can’t hold a candle to Squinty’s squint. Squint!
Squinty was at the Toronto International Film Festival today promoting some movie called “Appaloosa” with a bunch of pepaws. Squinty was asked what it was like filming in New Mexico and she responded, “The tacos are great!” This made Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen laugh for some reason. That’s an inside joke, right? Squinty totally went lesbionic in New Mexico.
Here’s more of Squinty with Ed, Viggo and Jeremy Irons. Damn. I guess it’s true. People do get old.
Granny’s Got A Gun
85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor’s home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.
She went on to say, “I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said ‘What are you doing in my house?’ He just kept saying he didn’t do it.” Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn’t eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of “Barney Miller” really paid off.
The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.
Leda said she found the whole thing “exciting.” Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she’s not going back! She also said, “I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here.” I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There’s a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.
Congratulations Girlfriend!
Look outside your window! There’s probably a beautiful rainbow in the sky! If you look closer, you’ll see glittery unicorns jumping through it. What’s the occasion? They are celebrating the birth of Clay Gayken’s baby!!! Yes, the ginger gayelle with a penis is a mama je’e!
In case you blocked out the gory details, Clay Gayken’s happy spermies (shudder) were used to knock up his best friend, 50-year-old Jaymes Foster. Jaymes is a chick.
Gayken’s mommy confirmed the birth to WRAL.com. Jaymes and Gayken welcomed a baby boy at around 8:08 this morning in North Carolina. Okay, this is a sign of the apocalypse. Born on 8/08/08 at 8:08?!
They have named him Parker Foster Gayken. I mean, Aiken. He weighed in at 6 pounds 2 ounces. 6 + 2 = 8!!!! TAKE SHELTER!
When the baby came out and screamed “Ooooh! Slap me on the ass and call me Mary!”, everyone knew he was Gayken’s.
Gayken’s mommy said that Clay is “smiling from ear-to-ear.” That’s because he’s thinking of all the “It’s a boy” cigars he’s going to get from his friends. And by “cigars” I mean dicks.
Congrats to Gayken! He’s going to make the sexiest lezzie mommy ever! By the way, I think the vaginas of hundreds of Claymates just exploded in their mom jeans. Clean up on aisle BARF!
Thanks Ma Nom
Memaw Cyrus Is So Fucking Hot
Why in pedo hell is Miley Cyrus the famous bitch in the family when her granny is the one with all the looks, glamour and sex appeal? That bitch is fucking gorgeous.
She also looks like she can skin the fuck out of a possum and make sweet tea sent from heaven. Seriously, memaws always make the best sweet tea. And you know Memaw Cyrus is head bitch at Palais Royal where she works the morning shift as lead cashier.
Less Miley and more Memaw Cyrus!
Here’s some more pictures of annoying ass Miley filming the “Hannah Montana” movie in Los Angeles with Vanessa Williams. Oh Vanessa! Do you need a paycheck this bad?
Speaking Of Walking Corpses…
Don Imus’ fat pepaw mouth has gotten him into trouble…again! On his morning show yesterday, Don Imus and his sportscaster were talking about how many times football player Adman “Pacman” Jones has been arrested. Don asked, “What color is he?” His sportscaster said he is African-American and Don responded, “Well, there you go. Now we know.”
Don later said he meant Adam was being picked on by the police because of the color of his skin. Don said, “What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times.”
You know he didn’t write that response. When you’re 200 or 300 years old, common sense doesn’t come into play anymore. It goes right out the door along with solid foods!
The pepaw billy goat needs to lay down already with an extra-large bowl of butterscotch pudding. Take your time eating it, Don. Take your time.