Nice Try, Zac!

I refuse to believe that Zac Efron can naturally grow a trail of follicles over his lip. Have you ever seen a unicorn with a moustache? EXACTLY! So my guess is that while his personal bikini waxer was shaping his pubes into a heart, he asked her to save him a piece. And that piece ended up over his lip to butch up his look for last night’s Teen Choice Awards.

Zac shouldn’t even bother with those tricks, because he will always be the prettiest fairytale princess in Disney’s kingdom no matter what! Looking like Sasquatch scooted over his upper lip isn’t going to change that! Don’t try to Victor/Victoria our asses, Zac!

The same thing goes for that nail polish. Zac probably thought blue chipped nail polish would make him look edgy, dirty and rough and shit. Yeah, no. We all know that once Zac slipped into the comfort of his crystal carriage for the ride home, he pulled out a bottle of nail polish (in shade: unicorn semen) and furiously touched that shit up. Truth.

And in other purdy Zac news, he recently told Details Magazine about how Tommy Girl asked him to come over to ride bikes. Let’s say all together now: TOO FUCKING EASY.

“You ride motorcycles?” Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn’t. “You wanna learn how?” Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes–including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike. “He made so many great movies,” Efron says of Cruise. “I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn’t come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that’s him! He’s really doing that.” I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t even want to know. It’s just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that.”

Zac is not only more beautiful than a bubble sitting on a rose petal, but he’s naive too. He really has no idea why Tommy Girl invited him over for playtime? Zac didn’t get the hint when Tommy Girl skipped out wearing nothing but a fake Harley tattoo on his ass cheek and two rearview mirrors strapped to his shoulders? And a light bulb still didn’t go on over Zac’s precious head when Tommy screamed, “Make this bitch rooooar”? Oh, Zac….

Here’s a few pictures of Zac with fellow princess Chace Crawford and David Archuleta backstage at the Teen Choice Awards last night. These pictures look like the beginning of a Sean Cody porn.

Chace Crawford Is Too Pretty To Hold His Own Umbrella

Chace Crawford is as fragile as a baby unicorn’s first coo and as precious as a bunny in a bubble bath, so you can’t expect him to hold his own umbrella! Besides, it’s impossible for Chace to hold his own umbrella. He might smudge his freshly polished nails or smear the foundation on his palms. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester can hold their own umbrellas, because their ancestors were vikings or miners or some shit. They are built for hard labor, but not Chace.

Fun Fact: Chace’s umbrella was originally white, but he accidentally farted and his multicolored butt fumes waltzed through the air before landing on it.

Don’t Mess With Texas Indeed

The bitches in Plano, Texas are not playing around with Chace Crawford. When Chace was arrested last week after getting caught with one little joint in the parking lot of a bar in Plano, I figured the cops were just going to scare him a bit and make his ass cry. But no, they are going balls deep. E! News says that prosecutors have decided to charge Chace with one misdemeanor possession of marijuana.

If found guilty, Chace faces up to 6 months in the chokey and a $2,000 fine.

Remind me if I’m ever bumping nipples with a hot piece in the back of a car (and you know that’s what Chace was doing) in the parking lot of Ringo’s in Plano to make sure there’s not a joint anywhere near me! I mean, can you imagine my ass in a Texas prison with all those hongray and sweaty criminals?! Actually, I’m imagining it now….and you’ll have to excuse me for a moment. On second thought, you’re coming with me because I’m going to need you to hold the stall door closed.