Leonardo DiCaprio Refused To Be Filmed For Satan’s Favorite Reality Show

Before you start gathering your things in response to what sounds like first sign of the apocalypse, please be assured that, no, Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t sunk her claws into Leonardo DiCaprio by sending Khloe Kardashian over to his house in a pair of Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a rag soaked in ether. Page Six says that Leo decided to catch some hos at Frankie Delgado’s birthday party on Sunday with professional famous friend Lukas Haas. Upon arrival, he began scanning the crowd for skinny 20-year-old model ass like a bony butt-hunting T-1000, and noticed that the DJ was sometime Kardashian step-brother Brody Jenner. Next to Brody was his brother Brandon Jenner, as well as the flawless shimmering jewel in the Kardashian Krown, Bruce Jenner.

That’s when the fog of booze and coke cleared from Leo’s bloated horny lizard brain and he realized they were filming an episode of Keeping Up With Lucifer’s Low-Klass Trash. A source claims he and Lukas refused to enter the party for fear of being filmed for KUWTK and chose to wait outside until the filming was over. Wow, you know your shit stinks when it’s able to keep Leo away from the ladies. 

Page Six also says Paris Hilton arrived at the party and pulled a 180 just like Leo because she didn’t want anything to do with KUWTK either. Although in defence of the KUWTK film crew, they probably wouldn’t have filmed her anyways, since they have enough footage of Z-list has-beens left over from Kim and Kanye’s wedding.

And I don’t think Leo left because he didn’t want his Academy Award-nominated face to appear in such low-level garbage as KUWTK. I think he was forced to make a quick exit after getting the dizzy, light-headed feeling that comes from gazing upon Bruce Jenner’s breathtaking beauty. It probably gave him flashbacks to the fish tank scene in Romeo + Juliet.

Pic: Splash

What A Genuine And Not-At-All Staged Family Portrait

Two days after Pimp Mama Kris tried to pull up the ratings of her reality shit show by announcing that she and her prisoner Bruce Jenner have been separated for a whole year, TMZ said that Brody and Brandon Jenner screamed “Hallelujah!” while dancing around their daddy as he re-attached his nuts to his crotch with a needle and thread.

Some source told TMZ that right after Auntie Bruce married Pimp Mama Kris, he pretty much abandoned Brody and Brandon and didn’t pay child support to their mother Linda Thompson for years. Brody and Brandon believe that their evil cunt of a stepmother was the one who pulled Bruce away from them. Now that Auntie Bruce is free from Lucifer’s whoriest minion and living in Malibu, he’s spending more time with Brody and Brandon and trying to repair their relationship.

All of that made sense to me, because in one of the only episodes of KUWTK I’ve seen (for research! FOR RESEARCH!), there was a scene on a yacht where Brody looked like every muscle in his body was snapping from trying to keep himself from throwing that whore overboard and screaming at the captain to book it, bitch. But wait, a quick second after TMZ threw up that story, both Brody and PMK Instagrammed a natural and candid picture of all four of them smiling while spending some quality time together.

I like how PMK added the hashtag: #sorryTMZgotitwrongAGAINLOL. #sorryPMKbutdontactlikeyoudidntleakthatstoryyourselfLOL.

PMK and TMZ are like fuck buddies who don’t want everyone to know that they’re fuck buddies, so they pretend to hate each other in public. PMK probably gave that story to TMZ to drag this out for maximum attention and then she got even more attention by posting a touching family portrait while pretending to slap at TMZ. You can always count on PMK to take desperation to levels you didn’t know existed.

And here’s the happy family posing on the floor of their foyer:

Touching IS PMK posing with Bruce (who is looking more and more like Lindsay Lohan: the Metamucil years), Brody and Brandon in the front hallway after giving them a stack of hundreds to do so. Speaking of touching, I don’t want to know what PMK is doing with her right elbow…