Shania Takes A Tumble

At last night’s CMT Awards in Nashville, Shania Twain was inducted into the Bitch Goes Down Hall of Fame with the likes of Beyonce, Joe Jonas, Michelle Williams, Lady CaCa, Scarlet, JLo and Mimi when her feet failed her and her knees paid the price (“I feel your pain.” – my knees to Shania’s knees). Detective La Toya better get on this case and see if Shania’s former best friend/life ruiner has an alibi.

Shania got her shit back up, laughed about it and later recorded a video response to her fall where she said: “I just made a complete fool of myself and experienced one of life’s most embarrassing moments. I don’t need a stunt double. I didn’t hurt myself. I have a bit of a sore thumb — that’s it. I’m gonna auction off those shoes. I’m gonna get rid of them as soon as I can. I never want to see those shoes again!”

Just like “losing a game of Russian Roulette to a dog while fucked up on moonshine” (that story, ugh), falling happens to the best of us. Shania handled it with grace and I’m sure when she says she’s going to auction those shoes she really means she’s going to donate them to professional stilt walker Suri Cruise who would never let a pair of sky high heels bitch slap her like that.

Here’s more of Shania pre and post fall with her fiance Frédéric Thiébaud and Selena Gomez’s scissor partner.

Presented Without Comment: Lady Caca Falls On Her Ass

Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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via ONTD

#notwinning

Warner Bros. TV has officially turned the highest-paid actor in television into the most annoying warlock crackhead in line at the unemployment office. They have snatched the winning hash tag out of Charlie Sheen’s hands by writing “DUH! BUH BYE” in sloth blood on his pink slip. The “maggot trolls” of Warner Bros. issued this statement:

“After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately.”

Charlie continued to sound like he writes Choose Your Own Adventure novels in his spare time when he spewed out his response:

“This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

Can Charlie continue to use “winning” even when he’s been fired by CBS, fired by sanity, fired by his publicist, fired by Brooke Mueller, and fired (for a quick second) by Bree Olson?

CBS hasn’t said whether or not Two and a Half Men will continue to terrorize, but I see no reason to put Jon Cryer and that kid out of a job. They should do what the producers of Valerie’s Family did when Valerie Harper quit that bitch: HIRE SANDY DUNCAN! If anybody can save a show, it’s Sandy Duncan! One and a Half Men Plus SANDY DUNCAN! Add it to your Tivo wish list just in case.

Bieber Goes Down

CSI made the children cry when they killed the reason for their coos this past Thursday night, and now this! Justin Bieber was voted MVP at the NBA All-Star Jam Session in L.A. on Friday night, but he almost didn’t win that honor(?) because Common nearly trampled his ass on the court. Call Bieber Protective Services, because this is definitely toddler abuse. Bieber is as fragile as the wings on a Precious Moments figurine and the producers of CBS dramas and the organizers of charity events need to realize this! We should really put Justin in a plastic bubble to protect him from shit like this forever. John Travolta knows what I’m talking about.

Birthday Sluts

Ivana Trump (62)
Rihanna (23)
Lauren Ambrose (33)
Jay Hernandez (33)
Brian Littrell (36)
k-os (39)
Andrew Shue (44)
Lili Taylor (44)
Cindy Crawford (45)
French Stewart (47)
Charles Barkley (48)
Patty Hearst (57)
Anthony Head (57)
Poison Ivy (58)
Peter Strauss (64)
Sandy Duncan (65)
Brenda Blethyn (65)
Mike Leigh (68)
Nancy Wilson (74)
Sidney Poitier (84)
Gloria Vanderbilt (87)

Xtina Takes A Tumble

And I love how Martina McBride isn’t even trying to move her head to help a fallen Xtina since it took a million prayers from Texas, 6 cans of pink AquaNet, a high-powered fan and a re-worked Bumpit to get her hair looking Designing Women fresh. But yeah, after Xtina’s tonsils touched the spotlights above from hollerin’ out a roller coaster of musical notes during the tribute to magnificent chichis, she stumbled a bit and her sourdough cheeks nearly ate floor. This comes after Xtina gave THE RAMPARTS shade at the Super Bowl last week.

IT HAPPENS. It happens when you enjoy everything an open bar has to offer and might be hallucinating from inhaling the toxic lead paint fumes wafting off your eyelashes. And it also happens when each one of your titties tries to head for opposite sides of the stage because they can’t take the ringing sound in their nipple holes anymore. Clip below:

Everybody in the pit below probably felt like Indiana Jones when the boulder came rolling at his ass. Crisis averted. The real truth is, Xtina stumbled because Aretha Franklin let out a windy “PFFT” after the performance. Chichi voodoo is a real kind of magic!