Antoine Dodson Has A Son Now And Is Already A Wonderful And Supportive Father

This time last year, we as a people collectively cackled our lungs out when Antoine “Hide Yo Kids” Dodson, who is gayer than me licking a strawberry cream popsicle while shoulder dancing to an All Saints song during a sunbathing session on the front lawn, announced to anyone who cared (read: only me and barely that) that he was officially done with dick and was searching for his queen. (Side note: I don’t know why he busted out a “search” for his queen when he would’ve found a beautiful seahorse queen if he just looked in the mirror.) A few months later, Goofy’s ex-gay cousin said that he had found his queen and together, with help of the power of imagination, made a baby together. ‘Toine’s queen recelty birthed out a son they named JaCobie (I hope his middle name is AndMeyers). JaCobie Dodson has barely pooted out his first fart and his daddy is already telling TMZ that if he’s gay, ‘Toine will help him pray the gay away.

Dodson tells TMZ … he believes living a gay lifestyle is wrong and anti-religious, but he would love his son regardless. He says, “I wouldn’t be shocked because I lived that life before,” adding, “I would try and get him help.”

Dodson continued, “Even if he couldn’t be fixed it doesn’t matter because I still support him no matter what.”

The only thing that needs fixing is ‘Toine’s teefs. But really, Antoine shouldn’t be thinking about how he’s going to “fix” his barely two-second old newborn son if the kid is gay. Antoine should be thinking about what he’s going to tell his son in a few years when TMZ breaks the story that he got arrested after a cop caught him giving a toofy blow job to a random trick in the men’s bathroom of a public park.

Pic: Facebook

Antoine Dodson’s Going To Be Somebody’s Father

Four months ago, the rainbow flag lost one of its colors (not really) when the sugar-coated seahorse Antoine Dodson magically prayed away his craving for peen and asked the Lord to light up the path that leads to pussy. Antoine Dodson became a Hebrew Israelite, renounced his gayness, turned in his tiara and told the world that what he really wants to do is get married to a woman and intrude her uterus with his totally heterosexual sperm fish. I guess closing his eyes and picturing a buff Jesus on the cross while bareback boning a woman worked, because he tweeted this last night:

I kept staring at that tweet and waited for Jimmy Kimmel to pop up in a pink shirt and give us a thumbs up. The only thing I have to say about this is that I will fully approve of this if Antoine’s “Queen” turns out to be Sweet Brown and they name their spawn Cold Pop Dodson.

Antoine Dodson Renounces His Gayness

Hide yo pussies! Hide yo daughters! Hide yo heterosexuality! Because the sugar-covered seahorse of Alabama, Antoine Dodson, claims that he’s snatching up the gayness out of his being and wants a wife who will birth out his children. Judah has called him! I guess this is what happens when Sweet Brown is getting all the shine on the stroll. You gotta declare your newfound love for cooch to get hos talking about you again.

Antoine, who is gayer than a Care Bear butt full of rainbows, tweeted a few Facebook posts where he announced that he’s rebuking his natural gayness and says that he doesn’t need a Mercedes to make him happy (translation: his leased Benz got a visit by the repo man). Uh huh, bitch, uh huh….

I have to renounce myself, I’m no longer into homosexuality I want a wife and family, I want to multiply and raise and love my family that I create. I could care less about the fame and fortune, I’ve giving all that up to know the true history of the bible. For I am the True Chosen Hebrew Israelite descendant of Judah. And as True Israel I know that there are certain things we just can’t do. And I totally understand that now. I don’t need a Mercedes Benz, I don’t need a big house in Beverly Hills all I need is the Most High and my family (Israel). I have been awaken by the great and so should you. Let’s be delivered from the wickedness of the world and live the way we should. The Most High bless all and have a beautiful evening. Israel wake up and take full power of who you are. I’m ready are you?

I’m Antoine wait, I am KEVIN ANTOINE DODSON, and I just want what’s best for all and this is the way for me, hate me if you must, bash me if you must, I won’t break, do what you will, for this is my calling.

In the beautiful words of Shemiyah, I am so in love with the truth, I will expose a lie even if I have to expose you. Family friends celebrities whoever. If anything you say or do and can’t back it up with scripture, you are a liar and the truth is not in you. Rise of the true chosen.

Don’t run and tell that just yet, because I’m still not sure if this shit is a hoax or a joke. If it isn’t, it does make me kind of sad, because if Antoine Dodson puts away his rainbow-colored weave, is there any reason for my b-hole to pucker? Is there any reason for my nipple slits to spit out hummingbird juice? Well, the good news is that in a couple of months when he gets caught tapping his feet for dick in a public bathroom, he’ll spit out some new catchphrases to the local news.

And if Sweet Brown renounces her love for a cold pop on Facebook, we know that a hacker is at a work or the world is truly ending.

Antoine Dodson Finally Gives His Thoughts On The Chick-Fil-A Boycott

YouTube star and the prettiest belle in Alabama, Antoine Dodson, might look like a felt seahorse puppet made by The Jim Henson Company, but he doesn’t agree with his fellow Muppets on boycotting Chick-fil-A for their anti-gay marriage ways. While Miss Piggy can’t with Chick-fil-A, Antoine Dodson can, will and is. Finally, the question that has been floating in your head since this Chick-fil-A shit started, “What would Antoine Dodson say?” has finally been answered. One less thing to keep your head.

After some of his fans asked for his thoughts on Chick-fil-A, openly gay ‘Toine said on a YouTube video uploaded yesterday that he doesn’t care if they have given millions of dollars to anti-gay rights organizations. ‘Toine is going to eat that sandwich. ‘Toine doesn’t care if people say that every bite into a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich is a bite for marriage inequality. ‘Toine is STILL going to eat that sandwich. ‘Toine doesn’t care if some say Chick-fil-A sandwiches are just breaded, hormone-pumped hate between two gay-hating buns, he’s still going to eat! ‘Toine is going to flick his micro braids and keep eating while not giving one shit what you think:

“I have uncles and aunties as well who does not approve of gay marriages and stuff like that, but they respect me. I don’t care about one person’s opinion or how they feel — that’s fine. Chick-fil-A makes good meals, and I eat there.

If I want to have a Chick-fil-A sandwich, guess what? I’m gonna have a Chick-fil-A sandwich.”

Not everyone loved Antoine’s response and so he made another video (below). Antoine said that he’s not supporting Chick-fil-A’s president’s Waffle Fries 4 Jesus beliefs, he’s supporting the regular people who work at the registers. ‘Toine has his beliefs, you have your beliefs and again, he’s gonna keep putting his mouth on that chicken sandwich:

“The people at the restaurant are sweet, and they greet me kindly. They treated me well, so how can I fault them? If we stop coming, them hardworking employees in that building no longer have jobs.

It’s a picture in this world way bigger than what somebody — one person or one group of people — believe in.”

Well, okay then, ‘Toine, keep mouth fucking that chicken.

Now that we know what ‘Toine thinks about this issue, I’m still waiting to hear from Sweet Brown, God Warrior, Spaghetti Cat, Chuck Testa and Rebecca Black. No but really, I really want to know what God Warrior has to say.

via Alabama.com

Hide Yo Auto-Tune!

Magical seahorse Antoine Dodson is trying hard to break out of being that “Hide Yo Kids!” ho and so he put out a new ballad that sounds like something two robots would slow fuck to since his natural singing voice has been covered with so much auto-tune that what comes out of his mouth is the same shit that comes out of Rosie the Robot’s mouth when she orgasms. Even though this auto-tuned to infinity and beyond mess is completely unnecessary and I just want to wear one of his plastic micro braids as a friendship bracelet, I hope this song goes triple Reynolds Wrap. 2012 really needs its own Tevin Campbell and ‘Toine might be it.

via ONTD

Beyonce Is Short One Wig Today

And just like that, Basement Baby knows the real reason why the Belle of ‘Bama Antoine Dodson journeyed down into the dusty den of the destitute to visit her. It wasn’t to play a game of checkers using moth balls and bottle caps. It was to sneak into Beyonce’s wig cellar and snatch one of her good ones to wear to the 15th Annual Webby Awards in NYC last night.

While Beyonce’s bald head shivered in the cold, ‘Toine turned up the heat to feverish levels and made everyone on the red carpet answer “OH MY Gawrsh YES!” to the question, “Would you ever runneth your tongue over the hung gums of Goofy’s girlfriend?”

Lately, I’ve been whoresick for Hottie from Flavor of Love, but with those wide eyes, teef for days and fire hazard wig, ‘Toine is definitely filling that void!