Orphans Of Malawi, RUN!!!!!!!

Vadge will pull the broomstick out of her ass, hop on it and fly all the way to Malawi this weekend to get herself another one of those baby things. You know, so she can have a matching set.

An official bitch in the welfare department of Malawi confirmed that Vadge has submitted her big bag of money, I mean, her application to adopt another kid. Vadge’s case could be heard as soon as this Monday.

The story going around the internet is that Vadge sent one of her slaves to Malawi to look at the goods and pick out the shiniest one before her arrival.

Oh, Vadge! Her days are already filled important shit like bathing her face in ice cold blended placentas and bench pressing Baby Jesus with her roid-lips, so how on earth is she going to find the time to raise another child? Oh yea, she’s going to use a little thing called an army of tortured nannies!

VIA The Sun

Afternoon Crumbs

Note to self: Doing yourself on an airplane can get you into trouble. T-girl Elvis Crespo learned the hard way – Guanabee

Carmen Electra bares her wonky plastic sacks in Maxim Mexico – Egotastic!

How big is your Twitter dick (I’m not talking about John Mayer)? – Scandalist

Arthritis is cute! – Jezebel

Jim Carrey is a star at faking gay sex – Towleroad

Camilla Belle dumped Joe Jonas for an overcooked sweet potato – Lainey Gossip

Anna Faris joins the No Pants, Crotch Out Club – Hollywood Tuna

Nick Cannon is going to shave off his dick bush as a gift to Mimi for her 39th birthday – Hollywood Rag

Roger Federer flashes his furry boobies – Just Jared

Adrian Grenier must be wearing some thick ass vodka goggles (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

It’s always feels good to get flipped off by a baby – Cityrag

MacGyver The Movie: It’s Coming

File this under: News that will make Selma and Patty Bouvier’s ash tray coochies combust in excitement!! The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that producers Raffaella and Dino De Laurentiis are tinkering with a big-screen version of MacGyver.

The producers are currently looking for a whore to write this future piece of Hollywood suckery.

This will only work if three things happen: 1) Richard Dean Anderson drops down to earth to play MacGyver again. 2) Will Forte co-stars as MacGruber, MacGyver’s new sidekick. 3) Patty and Selma are the MacGyver girls who follow him around the world in bikinis. Besides, MacGyver is going to need one of their cigarettes to make a volcano or something.

If these three things don’t happen, MacGyver should swoop in and make a bomb using the staples from the script and his spit to send to the evil doers in Hollywood.

And I’m still saving a special brew of Jenkem for when I’ll have to deal with the horrific news that Hollywood will destroy the greatest TV show starring Scott Bakula: Quantum Leap!!! It’s coming and it’s going to hurt.

Jakey Sings!

Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line.

In case you don’t take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd who dreams of seeing the Yankees get beat by the Senators at the World Series. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd’s baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Senators. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal.

Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME!

Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena.

This Could Be Good

I’ve been waiting for the perfect theatrical experience to drop acid too and now Universal has delivered! Variety says they have hired the dude who wrote Tropic Thunder to work on the screenplay for Candy Land: The Movie. This shit is a raver’s wet dream come to life. We should all sell Ecstasy in a booths outside the theater. Early retirement!

True story. When I was a young gay, I actually wrote a short story based on Candy Land. Okay, it was really based around Queen Frostine only. The other characters were hardly in it. I mean, Queen Frostine is the best bitch in that game and I really wanted to be her. I ran around the house in a dress I made out of a shower curtain and plastic wrap thinking I was the damn frosty Queen of Candy Land.

They better not even think of fucking this up by casting Nicole Kidman. She’s the easy choice since the ho is made out of ice already. It’s 2009, so methinks they should rename her Queen Lucite and you know the rest…..

And Zac Efron is a fucking shoo-in for Princess Lolly. The role is his to lose.

Brad Beaten By A Dog!

Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn’t do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: “Suk on dat!”

I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.

What surprised me the most about this weekend’s box office is the fact that Tommy Girl’s big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That’s the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there’s a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.

The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:

1. Marley & Me – $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories – $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby – $27 million
4. Valkyrie – $21.5 million
5. Yes Man – $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds – $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux – $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still – $7.9 million
9. The Spirit – $6.5 million
10. Doubt – $5.7 million

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