Some Of Jamie Dornan’s Todger Makes A Quick Cameo In “Fifty Shades Of Grey” After All

I stamped the “Fuck That Shit” label on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last November when Jamie Dornan said they couldn’t go too far and so he had to keep his todger and nuts wrapped up in a crotch bag. How the hell are you going to do a movie that’s mostly about boning and geared toward horny middle-aged moms and hard-up gays (see: me) and not show any dick? That’s some Spice Channel shit. When I was a teenager, my friend said that her parent’s never checked their cable bill so we ordered a Spice Channel porn. While watching that porn, we pretty much screamed for her parent’s money back, because they didn’t show any dick! None. That was a tragic day in my teenhood.

But Jamie wasn’t totally telling the truth. Fifty Shrugs of Meh opened at midnight (it’s already made $8.6 million from midnight screenings alone) and clips of Christian Grey’s bits have already squirted up on the Internet. MNPP posted two GIFs, one of which is a hint of Christian Grey’s peen and wild crotch bush. Yes, I already know there’s a picture of Jamie’s peen all over the Internet, but that pic is old and when you’re a desperate, pathetic, dick-hungry wreck like me, you take what you can get. So after the cut are NSFWish  GIFs of Christian Grey’s sausage trunk and ass. Yes, this is what it’s come to:

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Jamie Dornan And Dakota Johnson’s Scorching Hot Chemistry Is Burning Off Your Eyelashes, I Know

All week long the Today show has been whoring out Fifty Shades of Grey hard, because they’re both owned by the same company and the producers of that cinematic shit show just knew that hearing human tap water drop Savannah Guthrie talk about the hot sex scenes would make you want to lube up your entire body and buy a ticket. I didn’t think anything could make Fifty Shades of Grey unsexier, but hearing Matt Lauer talk about it proved me wrong. Today’s non-stop whoring of Fifty Shades hit a fever pitch this morning when they hosted an early morning screening for the book’s biggest fans. RIP to the venue where that screening was held. Even if Fifty Shades sucked, you know those middle-aged moms still squirted out so much tapioca panty pudding that not even Hazmat could clean up the mess.

Before and after the screening, Savannah, Carson Daly and Natalie Morales did an interview with EL James, the movie’s director Sam Taylor-Johnson, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. It was Fifty Shades of Aaaaaaawkward. Jamie, Dakota and Sam tried to act like they were happy and excited but they looked like they were in the lobby of a clinic waiting for their HIV test results. Their mouths said, “I am excited,” but their faces said, “Get me the fuck out of here.” They all had Princess Charlene face. I know, after reading Gawker’s long post about how they all supposedly hate each other and Sam Taylor-Johnson’s words about EL James, I should have expected them to look about as happy and excited as a cow at a car wash.

But they don’t even try. In the pictures from this morning’s screening, Jamie looks like a dude who took his sister to the prom because his parents promised to put the down payment on the car he’s been eyeing if he did.

And in other news, the hell kind of melting snowman dominatrix secretary shit is Dakota Johnson wearing?

Pics: Splash

Literally The Only Reason To Watch This Mess: Aaron Taylor-Johnson Will Be In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

The studio executives at Universal must have finally realized that toning down all the fucking and sucking in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie leaves it with as much intense raw sexuality as a trip to Carpet Barn, because someone gave the go-ahead for director Sam Taylor-Wood to sex it up a bit by casting her husband and object of her cougar-y affection, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, in a last-minute role. Sam TaylorMade 3-Wood told Access Hollywood that she was able to find a way to get her hot 23-year-old husband, but wouldn’t say what role he was playing.

Someone needs to tell Sam Cougar-Would (Would she get her cougar-on with an 18-year-old? She would) that if she wants to put middle-aged mom butts in seats, she needs to be a little more explicit regarding just how much Aaron Taylor-Johnson there will be in Fifty Shades of Snooze. Will he be shirtless? Do we get to see his ass? What about Aaron Taylor’s johnson? Eh, it doesn’t even matter; she could promise a 60-second-long full-frontal HD close-up shot of his dick, and it still wouldn’t make it worth sitting through 2 hours of that trashy Twilight fanfic.

But until then (aka my dreams, because there’s no way in hell we’ll get to see his weenis) here’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson at the London premiere of Godzilla with his wife Sam Taylor-Wood, who always looks like an adult version of that Side Eyeing Chloe kid:

Pics: Splash

The Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Got A Director

The Twatlight fan fiction turned best-selling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is really going to be made into a movie and today Universal Pictures and Focus Features broke Gus Van Zant’s boner by giving the directing job to Sam Taylor-Johnson. Sam Taylor-Johnson directed 2009’s Nowhere Boy and also made babies with that hot young bag of muscles in a curly mop known as Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Sam will direct a script by Kelly Marcel. Michael De Luca, one of the movie’s producers, said this to Deadline about hiring STJ:

“Sam’s unique ability to gracefully showcase complex relationships dealing with love, emotion and sexual chemistry make her the ideal director to bring Christian and Anastasia’s relationship to life. EL James’ characters and vivid storytelling require a director who is willing to take risks and push the envelope where needed, and Sam is a natural fit.”

What he really meant to say is: “We believe that Sam Taylor-Johnson and Kelly Marcel can turn a total piece of shit book into the kind of soft-core piece of shit movie that’ll make millions of middle-aged women throw their money at us while their crotch drowns in panty pudding. Every movie theater is installing a drain underneath each seat as you read this statement.”

And since Aaron Taylor-Johnson is so pretty in the face, she should cast him as the chick. And she should take pity on that weird ass Armie Hammer by casting him as Christian Grey. It’s obvious that he misses pulling hair and slapping ass cheeks during sex. You can practically hear the tears loading in his eyes sockets as he fake smiles while saying that he respects his feminist wife too much to get kinky with her. So yeah, I’ll totally put down an internal organ (that’s the average price of a movie ticket now, right?) to watch Armie Hammer yank on Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s mop.