Birthday: November 30, 1972
Age: 36
Birth Name: Abel Luís da Silva Costa Xavier (The longer the name, the longer the dick?)

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 4, 2009
Claim to Fame: Abel is a footballer-type who has played for Portugal, Middlesbrought and Los Angeles.

Where is he now? Abel got let go from the L.A. Galaxy, because he was apparently talking trash about the manager!

Why is he HS of the Week? I only became aware of Abel very recently and my no-no already goes pitter-patter for him. Not only does he know his way around a ball or two, but the bitch also likes to get freaky with a bottle of peroxide. You know his dick area looks like a burnt hot dog sitting in a bed shiny Ramen noodles. Get me some of that!

A big twat and a big asshole kissing in France (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

For once, Kellie Pickler doesn’t look like she got brutally attacked by the Wet N’ Wild section of a Rite Aid – Hollywood Tuna

Lauren Conrad’s bikini could made from Carrot Top’s dick bush hairs and Mother’s Cookies and I”d still think she was a boring piece of caca – Egotastic!

James Franco can destroy my buttroom, I mean, bedroom, any day – Towleroad

ScarJo and RyRey acting like dumbasses – Just Jared

Paulina Porizkova has her 43-year-old chichis out and looks hot – Cityrag

Kate Hudson has period face – Popsugar

Tom Brady, Gis and HER BABY in Costa. HER BABY. Nobody else’s. HERS! – Hollywood Rag

Wait. Bai Ling isn’t some whore who hooks on to anything?! This changes everything – Lainey Gossip

These two videos are probably part of some viral campaign for Gary Coleman’s new straight-to-the-stoop-sale movie Midgets vs. Mascots, but it still feels like he’s speaking from his very soul. Gary just wants to stomp on his agent’s (he has one of those?!) feet for setting him up on this busted down movie! Gary admits that he has to take work so he can keep buying printers to throw at his Amazon ginge of a wifey! It’s a hard life.

Gary Coleman is oh-so-angry. And I really like grouch Gary. It’s pretty fucking hilarious when little people curse! I mean, he screams, “Get the fuck off me, you asshole!” and he’s probably wearing some shit from Baby Gap while doing so! That’s comedy.

And in the clip below, Gary gives his 2 cents (he wants change back) about white people. I think he’s mostly just talking about his wife. I think.

Every year the great people of Japan honor the most important thing ever created: THE PENIS! Hundreds of thousands cum from all over to celebrate wang at the Steel Phallus Festival in Kawasaki. There’s peens to the left, peens to the right. Peens coming out of ears! Peens coming out of the ground. It’s like peen fucking heaven. You can eat peens, suck on peens, ride peens, light peens and wear peens! People from all ages celebrate the peen. PEEN! PEEN! PEEN!

Yeah, why wasn’t I there, right? Well, it wouldn’t be a good thing for all involved. There is such a thing as too much dick. I don’t know how my body would control itself. My ears would start foaming, my asshole would start slobbering and my peen hole would not stop singing. I would go absolutely dick crazy! I’d ride, suck and slap on dick until I went COCK-EYED. I would also lose my fucking voice and the phrase “Cock got your tongue?” would apply! Cock got my tongue and ripped it off! No thanks. I don’t not want to end up a cross-eyed mute!

P.S. – You know I’m lying. You’ll see me perched upon that giant pink peen statute next year! Now you see it! Now you don’t!

I know what I’m having for lunch: two stale dried apricots on a bed of moldy cottage cheese. It couldn’t have been legal or sanitary for Ramona and Vicki from The Real Houseloonies of Crazytown to touch prunes like this in front of a restaurant. The Discountess frowns upon this kind of behavior!

The Real HouseHos from NYC, Orange County and Atlanta were all in Los Angeles this past weekend for Bravo’s A-List awards. The only tricks who didn’t show their faces were Jill Zarin and The Discountess. The Discountess didn’t go, because it’s like not classy for a cheated-on whore to show her face in public. Or something. Even though she wasn’t there, the others had themselves a fucking time.

Ramona and Vicki had lunch at The Ivy and guess who strolled in right after them?! Kim Zolciak! Her wig probably needed a little nourishment and Jack in the Box refused to serve it again after it bit one of the cashiers. I don’t know if these three had lunch together, but I pray to the famewhore gods that they did and that they discussed their new all-girl musical supergroup. Seriously, it has to happen! Not since Sweet Sensation…..

Think about it. With Kim Zolciak’s “possum getting castrated without anesthesia” voice and Ramona’s “mental patient trying to get out of a straitjacket” moves, they can take over the world! Vicki is just in the group to make sure everyone has proper health insurance.

Here’s more of the crazy trifecta along with some pictures of all the housewives at the A-List Awards yesterday. The Atlanta cast picture was totally modeled after THIS.

Amy Wino has probably tried to smoke almost every person, place or thing on this planet. You name it, she has tried to smoke it up. If you live in London, check your ass for burn marks. I’m sure Wino tried to smoke you up after you passed out in a club. If she can light it, she’ll try it! This is why I’m a little surprised that Wino hasn’t smoked on banana skins before! She found her new favorite fix in St. Lucia!

According to the Daily Star (via M&C), Wino was trolling around the island when she ran into a group of locals smoking banana skins. The locals knew that a fool with a craving for the high life wandered into their lives, so they probably seized the opportunity to make some coin and sold her ass a couple of banana skins you can get off a stupid tree! Wino bought whatever they were selling and now she’s in love.

A source said, “She made sure there wasn’t anything really bad in them because she’s being so good now. They made one in front of her using dried strings from the inside of the peel instead of tobacco and putting it onto a piece of rolling paper. She loved it and has taken to drying her own peel in the sun and smoking it in the evening.”

I’ve never heard of this shit either, so now I’m looking at the half-rotten banana on my kitchen counter like it’s the key to taking me higher this afternoon. And here I thought that the only good use for nana skins was to make your asshole smell like Bananas Fosters after a b-fuck. I’m glad to hear there’s another use for them!

After doing some extensive research (aka Google followed by two clicks), I found out how to make banana skins your new nightly best friend. Although, this shit sound like it’s work! I think I’ll just stick to ordering my shit for delivery.

Here’s some pics of the premiere Nannerhead of St. Lucia with her bodyguard and some locals yesterday.