Smile Like You’ve Just Burned Your Husband’s Groin

52-year-old Maverna Theresa Turay of Bradenton, FL was arrested at her home yesterday because she poured a pot of boiling hot water on her husband’s crotch area! Maybe she was in the mood for some hot dick?

Maverna told police that she thinks her husband has been cheating on her ass, so she busted a hot load on his groin while he slept. She also admitted that she had been boozing before the incident. Maverna didn’t need to say that. Her glazed eyes already confirmed that little tidbit.

She was charged with aggravated domestic battery. Her husband is in fair condition at a local hospital.

Maverna didn’t let a little thing called “getting arrested” get in the way of a hot mug shot. This is how you do it. Yes, Maverna knows that she’s about to spend the night on the concrete floor of a jail cell, where prostitutes and junkies will probably try and sit on her face. She knows all of this, but she’s going to smile for her mug shot like she means it.

Nothing says “I burned my husband’s dick and I don’t give an eff” like a smiley mug shot.

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Thanks Athina

The Toilet Lady’s Boyfriend Won The Lottery!

Kory McFarren, the dude who left his girlfriend stuck on the toilet seat for a long ass time, has won the Kansas State Lottery! If you’ve been stuck a toilet seat yourself for the past few months and have no idea what I’m talking about, then click here, here and here to get updated. It’s a sordid tale.

So… Kory cashed in his winning $2 Bonus Crossword ticket for $20,000 yesterday. Get this shit. This is the second time he’s won the lottery in the past year. Kory’s got lady luck stuck to his ass cheeks.

Who knows if Kory and Toilet Lady are still together. She was released from the hospital a few months ago after being stuck to a toilet seat for at least a month. Last I heard, Toilet Lady is living with some guardian and legally is only allowed to pee while squatting over the toilet. I’m joking about that last part.

In July, Kory was sentenced to six months probation after he pleaded no contest to being a dumb fuck for allowing his girlfriend to live in the bathroom for 2 years.

Kory should take that $20,000 and buy Toilet Lady a pair of shiny new ass cheeks. Then he should use the rest to buy a fucking clue.

Thanks Susan

And You Thought Your Job Sucked

A train station in India has a problem with a bunch of bitchy ass monkeys bothering their passengers, so they hired a man to dress as a monkey to scare them off. By the looks of the dude’s uniform it looks like the only thing he’s scaring off are the passengers. Couldn’t they have given him a friendlier looking monkey costume?! He looks like some evil demon monkey! I bet his wife has a fucking heart attack every time he comes home.

He may look like a scary ass monkey to us, but he looks like a fool to the monkeys. You know those bitchy monkeys don’t give a human’s ass! They sit there, eating their bananas, scratching their red asses and laughing at the poor motherfucker crawling around like his back just went out. Those monkeys are thinking to themselves, “Ain’t that a bitch!”

Click here if you can’t watch the video above.

Thanks Vanessa

No Laughing Matter

61-year-old Philip Seaton of Louisville, KY waltzed into an operating room last October to get a circumcision as part of treatment for a medical condition. When Philip woke up after surgery, his foreskin was missing alright, but so was the rest of his peen! The doctor straight-up cut off the dude’s wang! The phrase “not right” was invented for this story.

Philip is suing Dr. John Patterson for chopping off his turtle friend without permission. He is also suing the anesthesiologist, Dr. Oliver James, because Philip claims he did not agree to general anesthesia. He is seeking peenitive…I mean…punitive damages against both doctors.

Dr. Patterson said he amputated Philip’s willy after finding cancer. Philip’s attorney said, “Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, ‘Here are your options. You have cancer,’ and the family would have said, ‘We want a second opinion. This is a big deal.’” How big of a deal exactly?

This is what I think. The court should decide based on the size of the member. If it was 8.5 inches or more, these doctors should hand over their entire fortunes to Philip and spend the rest of their lives in jail. If it was 6 inches or less, well then…. You know what?! I take that back. Peen is peen! Did Dr. Patterson go to the Lorena Bobbitt School of Surgery?! You just don’t treat dick that way! You wine and dine dick. You take it to the theater and buy it flowers. You don’t fucking hack it off without getting a man’s blessing first!

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Thanks SK

What’s The Difference Between A Cat And A Skunk?

A woman in Pennsylvania thought she was petting a neighbor’s beautiful and loving kitty cat, but it turns out she was actually giving affection to a skunk. She thought a skunk was a cat! This is some Pepe La Pew shit!

Instead of purring at her gentle touch, the skunk sprayed her ass and then ran into her house. HA. Wait. I just have to overstate the fact that the woman thought the skunk was a cat!

After the skunk pussy gifted her with its perfume, she called the police for help in getting it out of her house. She even admitted to them that she thought the skunk was a cat! I think I would’ve kept that little fact from them.

The cops spent hours trying to find the skunk. It’s not known whether they ever found it. It’s probably curled up on the lady’s lap right now, eating cat treats out of her hand.

In her defense, it was just before dawn. I guess a skunk could sort of look like a cat in the dark……after you’ve fallen on your head…..from drinking too much booze…..and smoking too much crack.

I’m sure the woman has learned her lesson and won’t go petting creatures in the dark. The coyote she accidentally mistakes for a sweet puppy might not be as nice as the skunk.

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The Rah-Rah Mommy

33-year-old Wendy Brown of Green Bay, Wisconsin never graduated high school, so she somehow got the harebrained idea that she would get back the memories she never had by enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter. This is what happens when a crazy bitch falls asleep while watching “Never Been Kissed.” Josie Grossy is to blame.

Josie…I mean…Wendy used her daughter’s ID to enroll in school and join the cheerleading squad. Before school started, Wendy showed up to cheerleading practices, bought a uniform, got her own locker and even went to a party at the coach’s house. Give me a F-A-K-E-O-L-D-C-R-A-Z-Y-B-I-T-C-H! What’s that spell?

A high school employee said that Wendy was a little shy and cried when talking about having to move from her school in Nevada. The employee said Wendy looked a little older than your average student, but she acted like a regular 15-year-old.

School officials started to get a little suspicious when Wendy stopped showing up to classes after the first day of school. The principal found out that Wendy’s daughter was registered at a school in Nevada. When the principal called Wendy’s mother, she said she has custody of the 15-year-old girl. Wendy’s mom also said she has a history of stealing other bitch’s identies.

Wendy’s high school dreams were crushed when she was arrested for felony identity theft. Also, the check for $134.50 that Wendy used to buy her cheerloading (typo, but it says) uniform bounced.

Her bond was set at $8,000. She faces a $10,000 fine and six years in the chokey if convicted.

I don’t blame Wendy for wanting to go back in time. Sometimes I wish I was back in grade school where life was easy. The most stressful thing was trying to dig for clay in the sandbox. Every other kid seemed to find clay except me. Sad.

And all those bitches who came in contact with Wendy need to go and get their eyeballs worked on. What in Andrea Zuckerman hell were these people looking at? In what world does a 15-year-old look like a middle-aged night shift clerk at Kum & Go?!

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