Sausage Attacker On The Loose!

Antonio Vasquez Jr.,the man who hit a dude in the face and head with his 8-inch pork sausage, has been released from jail! Antonio was arrested after he stole $900 from a house then attacked one dude with his sausage and rubbed spices in the face of another. Silent movie foolery!

FresnoBee reports that he’s been released because there was not enough evidence to press charges. The 8-inch sausage in question was gobbled up by some slutty dog before the cops could get to it!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to travel to Fresno today for um….business…yeah…business reasons. Once I get there, I’m going to be really tired, so I’ll have to take a nap on the front porch of a house. And I like the fresh smell of oranges when I nap, so the house will be near an orange orchard. I’ll also be a little hungry when I wake up from my nap, so I’m going to leave a 10-inch pork sausage (yes, it’s like that) on the kitchen counter. NOT in the fridge. I like my pork sausage at room temperature.

Did you get all of that, Antonio?

Kim Kardashian Makes Drunk Bitches Go Crazy

I thought I was the only dumb bitch who got the sudden urge to hit a ho with a vase while watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” It’s good to know that I’m not alone.

46-year-old Naomi Masuda of Port St. Lucie, Florida was arrested after she attacked her boyfriend during an argument about Kim KardASSIAN’s reality show.

Naomi’s boyfriend was chilling out, watching his favorite reality show featuring the porn star with a fat ass, when Naomi freaked out and said he was “being disrespectful by watching the Kardashian show.” She’s right, he was disrespecting himself by watching that trash. And yes, I’m guilty of the same crime!

The two started arguing over his fascination with Kim and his fondness for porn. Naomi, being the crazy bitch that she is, then started throwing things at him, including a vase that hit him in the face and caused his nose to bleed. The dude also said Naomi damaged a bunch of his personal shit.

Cops described Naomi was being “highly intoxicated.” She admitted to throwing a vase at him, but said it was an “accident.” I love that shit. “Yes, I threw the vase at him. No, I didn’t mean to. The vase just leaped out of my hands.”

That excuse is almost as sad as the fact that Naomi got arrested because of Kim Kardashian’s skanky ass! Oh Naomi. You and your gorgeous eyebrows deserve better.

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Throw The Book At Her!

20-year-old Heidi Dalibor of Grafton, Wisconsin was arrested earlier this month over a couple of library books. No, she didn’t stick them in her cooter in the middle of the library. She just forgot to turn them in before their due date.

Two cops came to Heidi’s door and arrested her for not paying her overdue library fees, ignoring numerous phone calls and not showing up to court. They handcuffed her, took her down to the station and then fingerprinted and photographed her.

Isn’t it a lovely mug shot? She looks so happy! She’s probably thinking, “I better try and look cheer for this shit, because I know this is going to end up on The Smoking Gun.”

Heidi’s mother had to pay $172 to get her out of jail. Heidi also had to pay $30 for the two overdue paperbacks.

So what two books did Heidi go to jail for? Heidi checked out Janet Finch’s “White Oleander” and Dan Brown’s “Angels & Demons.” Embarrassing! Although, if that was me, it would have been over a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book and “Dazzle” by Judith Krantz.

And books are dangerous! This is why I don’t read books that often, because they get you into trouble!

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Thanks Madam Prince

Ninja Vigilantes Busted In New Jersey

The streets of Clifton, NJ are a little less safe today after cops arrested two vigilante ninjas who were trying to rid the area of drugs dealers. Cops found Tadieusz Tertkiewicz, 20, and Jesse Trojaniak, 19, sitting in their car, dressed like ninjas. The Detective Captain said they were “wearing tactical vests and armed with knives in sheaths at their waists along with Ninja throwing knives, Chinese throwing stars, four-pointed tacks, swords, bows and arrows.” I’m sure all their weapons were plastic and can be found at your local Toys ‘R Us.

The sad pair told cops they are known on the streets as The Shinobi Warriors. They were on their way to deliver menacing letters to drug dealers. One of the letters said that the “Shinobi will stop your cruel and sadistic intentions with justified yet, merciful force” and accused dealers and junkies of committing “sins of passing impurity.” It’s not known how many letters were left on the doors of drug dealers and users. The dudes said that if they were ever confronted by a dealer, they would use their awesome martial arts skills and weapons on them!

Oh and one of those threatening letters was delivered to Tadieusz’s ex-girlfriend. A nerd with a broken heart is sad thing.

They were both charged with weapons possession. Tadieusz was also charged with harassment. He’s still in jail on $20,000 bail. Jesse was released.

First of all, what do you expect from a dude who has a Vanilla Ice haircut. Second of all, this is exactly why video game nerds should never leave their parents’ basement. There’s a reason why they spend the rest of their lives playing video games, eating Hot Pockets and getting yelled at by their mom for leaving chunky skid mark stains on their chonies. When they enter the wild, shit like this happens!

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Thanks Marcia

Bride Tasered At Her Own Wedding!

Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska’s July 19th wedding started out as a fancy affair. They were married on the beach in Lakeside, Michigan and their reception was held at a nearby art gallery. It was also going smoothly until the booze came out. That’ll do it! Their guests started drinking like Wino at happy hour. It got so out of control that one guest even threw a metal lamp through a glass window. That’s when the gallery owner called the police.

When the police arrived he found a group of drunken monkeys making a mess. The officer at the scene said he witnessed one guest drinking vodka straight out of the bottle. Hmmm…I don’t remember attending a wedding reception on July 19th in Michigan.

The police and the gallery owner tried to break up the party, but the bride and groom were not having it. The chief prosecutor on the case told The Chicago Sun-Times, “Andy got angry and started yelling, ‘What are you doing? This is my wedding! You’re making my wife cry! The crowd was trying to hold back the groom from mouthing off more, but finally he broke free, and they had to take him down.”

Andy headed for the officers and his drunk ass wife moved in to try and stop him. That’s when an officer tasered Andy’s ass. Anna also got shocked because she was holding on to her new husband. One of the guests said the police totally overreacted, “Imagine the kids and grandma seeing the bride and groom getting Tasered on the floor.” Shit! That’s better than watching the lame band! That should become a new tradition. You may now TASER the groom!

Andy and Anna were arrested and thrown in separate jail cells where they spent the night. Andy was charged with resisting police, a felony. He has already pleaded guilty and could face up to 30 days in jail. Anna also pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of resisting an officer. She was fined $600.

This shit gets even better (or worse depending on who you are). Two nights later, Anna and Andy were arrested again in Michigan after police responded to a noise complaint. The two newly married douchebags once again fought with police. They got tasered AGAIN! Tasered twice in one week! Andy was charged with pushing his new wife down the stairs, but the charge was later dropped as part of a plea bargain.

This is the romance of our time! If they make it their first year anniversary, they should celebrate by tasering each other! A couple that gets tasered together, fries stays together.

Thanks Peaches

Granny’s Got A Gun

85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor’s home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, “I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said ‘What are you doing in my house?’ He just kept saying he didn’t do it.” Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn’t eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of “Barney Miller” really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing “exciting.” Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she’s not going back! She also said, “I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here.” I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There’s a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

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