The Church Harlot!!!

When I grow up I want to be the church harlot! This 49-year-old from Jacksonville, FLA is living my dream. Rebecca HanCOCK was ran out of her local church because she’s screwing a man she’s not married to. Members of Grace Community Church kept harassing her for being a sinful harlot, so she finally left the church. That didn’t stop things though! Rebecca received a letter from the pastor of the church, Dr. Christmas, that if she doesn’t stop doing the “straight to hell mambo” with her boyfriend, her sins will be announced to the whole church! This sounds like my idea of a good time!

Rebecca said that Dr. Christmas’ letter states that on “January 4, my sins will be told to the church, publicly, with my children sitting in the church and my friends.” Everybody meet at Grace Church in Jacksonville on January 4th! Sins will be told. I’ll provide the holywatertinis.

Rebecca is planning to send a letter to Dr. Christmas to let him know that she is no longer a member of his fun-hating-church. Oh and she should also mention to Dr. Christmas that she just told a local news station that she’s blowing her boyfriend (can’t you tell from her jaw), so she kind of beat him to the punch.

Real talk: Dr. Christmas asked Rebecca if she’d like to suck on his candy cane and she totally turned him down, so he’s sentencing her to hell! I mean, his name is Dr. Christmas. Of course she’s going to turn him down.

P.S. – If Rebecca doesn’t have business cards printed up with “The Church Harlot” on it, then I’m going to be so mad at her.

VIA Videogum

Smell Yo Dick Gone Wrong

The next time you decide to smell yo man’s dick, because you think he’s fucking around on you, come prepared with a helmet on your head and a taser gun in your hand. Smelling yo man’s dick could be dangerous.

A chick in Port St. Lucie, FL suspected her husband of getting it on with another lady, so naturally, she asked to smell his dick area for strange pussy juice odors. The 37-year-old woman followed her husband to the bathroom and told him to whip his dick out “so that she can smell it.”

Her 25-year-old husband was not amused, because when she went down to get a whiff, he punched her in the mouth and kicked at her body. After the bastard beat at her, he left the house. Police are currently searching his ass.

Um. I haven’t personally smelled this asshole’s dick, but I can guarantee you that he’s cheating on her! If you ask to smell dick and he fists you in the mouth, he’s guilty and no further tests are required.

And if the police really want to find this dumb bitch, they should just send out a few trained sniffer dogs to search for dried up snatch jelly and crusty jizz.

P.S. – If you want a less dangerous way of finding out if your man is effing up on you, just smell his dirty panties when he’s in the shower. If they smell like DIAL (the trusted soap of most mistresses) or random genital juices, then you know the truth!

Source: TCPalm

(Thanks Melissa)

Why Drag The Jack Russell Terrier Into This?!

One of these things is not like the others: a man with his penis in a pasta sauce jar, porn, women’s stockings, a home-made sex aid and a Jack Russell Terrier. Can you guess which one?

All of these things were found in the car belonging to a man named Keith Roy Weatherley of Newcastle, New South Wales.

It all started when the police approached 46-year-old Keith’s car, because he was parked in a no-stopping zone. They found him fucking a pasta jar, basically. Instead of inviting the nice officers to a spaghetti with extra cheese dinner, Keith sped off. He led police on a 10-minute car chase before finally stopping.

Keith still refused to get out of the car, so the police used batons (sexy) and pepper spray on him. That shit was probably making that horny bitch creamier in the genital area, because he kept butt fucking the jar! I say “butt fucking,” because I don’t think pasta jars have vaginas. The police were finally able to get control of Keith and he was arrested.

He pleaded guilty to to offensive behavior, resisting police and disobeying a police direction. He was fined $600 and convicted of the other two offenses without further action taken. He told the judge that he was just trying to make himself decent for the officers.

I couldn’t find a picture of Keith, but I’m going to assume he looks a lot like this.

Keith should also have to pay for the years and years of intense therapy that Jack Russell Terrier is going to need. He won’t be able to look at a jar of Ragu the same way again!

And now I know why Spaghetti Cat prefers to eat his spaghetti WITHOUT the sauce.

Source

Thanks Shawn

They Look Beautiful To Me

Today on one of my favorite serious legal shows “Judge Alex” they had a case about something that is near and dear to me: eyebrows! Sharon Rivers (above) was suing Joy Tran for emotional distress for fucking up her eyebrows. Sharon paid Joy $180 to tattoo some “dreamy” eyebrows on her beautiful face. But Sharon claims Joy fucked it up by making them purple and lopsided.

I do not see a problem. This is the way all eyebrows should look. Sharon should empty out her checking account and give ever last cent to Miss Tran for turning her into the owner of two ravishing brows! I would get the same kind of eyebrows, but my face is not precious enough to carry off that look.

In the end, the sexy Judge Alex awarded Sharon $5000! Sharon needs to take that money and donate it to the “People in Need of Gorgeous Chola Eyebrows” fund! Judge Alex also denied Miss Tran’s countersuit. Miss Tran sued Sharon for $900 for wasting her time. HA! Miss Tran is really fucking hot.

Below is a little clip of Sharon pleading her case to Judge Alex. My favorite part is when she says to the bailiff, “Would you go date me with eyebrows like this?” Um…I’m pretty sure that if she had a vagina over each eye, he still wouldn’t go out with her. I’m joking! She’s beautiful.

And I’m just reminding you that I’m hopped up on meds, so everything is fucking entertaining to me at this point.

A Potato In The Ass

A vicar waddled into an emergency room at a hospital in Sheffield, UK complaining about a potato in his ass. (Note: The spud pictured is not the dildo tater in question even though it looks like it has butt bits on it.) The vicar used the oldest excuse in the butt fucking manual: he fell on it.

The clergyman said he was hanging up some curtains in the nude when he accidentally fell on a potato lying on the kitchen table behind him. That damn potato! It was just laying there, in his way, all lubed up and ready to go!

One of the nurses told The Sun that he insisted he wasn’t doing butt sex with the potato. The potato doesn’t swing that way. The vicar kept telling the hospital that he was simply decorating his windows while naked. Being nekkid probably brings out the Martha Stewart in him.

I don’t know why he had to go to the hospital for this shit. If he was doing his daily sphincter exercises, like everyone should, he could have easily mashed that potato with his ass. Then he would’ve had a delicious side dish of mashed taters and ass gravy!

Blow Job!

Have you ever stared at a car wash vacuum cleaner and thought to yourself, “Damn. I want to stick that hose on my genitals and ride it like the dirty slut it is”? Yeah, me neither. But some 29-year-old dude from Michigan felt the urge to purge…..his load into a car wash vacuum hose.

Last Thursday, at around 6:45 in the morning, the police received a call about some suspicious nasty shit going down at a car wash in Thomas Township, Michigan. When officers drove up, they found a dude “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum.” Basically, the dude’s peen was down the hose’s throat.

Maybe he was just cleaning the dick cheese off? It’s a good thing the officers showed up when they did. I bet the dude was about to let the hose toss his salad. Bitch would’ve had had an orgasm, but he also would have lost an organ too.

The dude was arrested and is currently being held in the Saginaw County Jail. The dude’s name hasn’t been released. Wait. Was David Duchovny in Michigan recently?

You know, this is what pisses me off about some people. You think that you can just pop a quarter in a bitch and then have your way with it for 3-minutes? Have some decency! Do you think that car wash vacuum hose is your own personal whore? No, it’s not. At least take that bitch to a fancy dinner at Red Lobster. Conversate with it a little. Get to know it better. Then take it back to your place, give it some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie to wear, light some candles, play some Barry White, put a fresh bag in it and then seduce it to like a real gentleman should. Make it feel like the sensual dirt sucker it is.

I swear, some people have no class.

Source

Thanks BLB