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Open Post: Hosted By Chris Pratt’s TOWIE Impression

Chris Pratt has started the Jurassic World press tour, and so far he hasn’t said anything that has required a public apology. However, he does owe me a personal apology for his recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show, because I DIED. Chris admitted that during the filming of Guardians of the Galaxy in London, his wife Anna Faris got really into the British reality show The Only Way Is Essex (aka TOWIE), and he started to mimic their accents.

Whenever I want to sound like a trick from TOWIE, I pour several bottles of booze down my throat and channel as much unquestionable glamour, class, and sophistication as my brain can handle. But Chris Pratt pulled that shit out of nowhere. Graham Norton joked that Chris Pratt’s perfect TOWIE voice impression will never be useful, but I disagree – sounding like British reality TV trash is literally one of the most useful skills I can think of. How dare you, Graham Norton!

I also love how much Jude Law was loving Chris’ accent. He’s like “Yaaaasss! Now throw a drink on me!”

Here’s Chris Pratt at the Paris premiere of Jurassic World last night with Bryce Dallas Howard.

Pics: Wenn.com

Michelle And Jim Bob Duggar Will Sit Down With Fox News To Talk About The Molestation Scandal

You know your brain doesn’t want any more of this Duggar mess when it sees a picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and its immediate reaction is to zoom in on that table menu right behind the crunchy poof of hair on Michelle’s head and focus on what appears to be a picture of a chocolate milkshake, like “Hey, what’s that? That looks interesting. Let’s find out more about that milkshake.”

Earlier today, Our Patron Saint of Scrunch Spray announced on the Duggar Family blog that she and Jim Bob will be sitting down with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly to discuss the recent molester grossness regarding their son Josh Duggar. Hmmm, I wonder if at any point during that interview Jim Bob will suggest it’s time for Josh to say his goodbyes? Yeah, probably not.

“Next week we will sit down with Megyn Kelly on Fox News to share our hearts with you about the pain that we walked through as a family twelve years ago, the tears we all shed and the forgiveness that was given. We appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers for our family at this time.”

Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus is like “Oh dad dammit, they’re totally going to drag me into this, aren’t they? Pass the Tylenol.”

UsWeekly says that Jim Bob and Michelle’s interview with The Kelly File will air on June 3rd, with an additional interview airing during a one-hour The Kelly File special on June 5th. Really? Two nights of airtime dedicated to Jim Bob and Michelle rambling on about forgiveness and mistakes and Jesus and The Bible? Funny or Die did it in two-and-a-half minutes.

Pic: Instagram

Nicki Minaj Wants You To Know She Demands An Orgasm Every Time She Gets Her Hump On

Before we get to the mental image of a come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet demanding the puppeteer operating her to “work the hand hole“, can we talk about what in the Windows 98 Word Art hell is going on with Cosmopolitan’s name up there on that cover? If you replaced the word COSMOPOLITAN with the words THE FACE ON THE MILK CARTON, you’d have the title page for one of my 6th grade book reports.

Okay, back to that puppet sex. Singing pile of rubber parts and hair Nicki Minaj (trust me, I mean that in the nicest way possible) recently did an interview for the July issue of Cosmopolitan, and if you’ve ever wondered what Nicki Minaj is like when Nicki Minaj gets her bedsheets freak on, well – here you go.

“I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that. I have a friend who’s never had an orgasm in her life. In her life! That hurts my heart. It’s cuckoo to me. We always have orgasm interventions where we, like, show her how to do stuff. We’ll straddle each other, saying, ‘You gotta get on him like that and do it like this.’ She says she’s a pleaser. I’m a pleaser, but it’s fifty-fifty.”

Never? NEVER?!? Somebody hold my beer while I faint from the horror of it all. That poor person! I’m happy that Nicki and her friends are holding their own orgasm interventions, but this is exactly the reason A&E needs to dig Intervention out of retirement. People are doing their own interventions at home, and you know they don’t have the experience of Intervention legends Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen. With their limited training, they can’t be doing much more than just presenting the poor orgasmless soul with a half-used Hitachi Magic Wand and a DVD of Magic Mike and asking if they’ll accept the help they’re offering.

Nicki also posed for a couple pictures, and I’ve slipped them after the cut.

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Dustin Diamond Has Been Found Not Guilty Of Stabbing That Guy He Stabbed

“Former Child Star.” I guess “Current Life Mess” was too harsh.

After testifying yesterday that he totally didn’t mean to pull a switchblade and stab a 25-year-old guy during a brawl at a Wisconsin bar last Christmas, TMZ says Dustin Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing that guy. “Oh thank god” bleep-blooped Kevin, who wasn’t sure how he’d get his robot ass back and forth to prison to visit Screech.

According to TMZ, the jury believed Dustin when he said he didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet with his switchblade, so they cleared him of a felony charge of recklessly endangering public safety. Ironically, he’s still very much guilty of recklessly endangering public safety, according to anyone who ran out of their house and projectile vomited into the street after watching his porno.

But Screech isn’t totally off the hook. The jury found him guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail. The guy Screech stabbed was found guilty of disorderly conduct and might spend 90 days in jail. Getting stabbed by Screech and going to jail, all because you wanted a blurry cellphone picture of Screech? Damn, I don’t know who needs to get their life (copyright: Tamar Braxton) more in this situation.

Since Dustin Diamond is famous-adjacent and everybody loves that Saved By The Bell shit, my money is on that he’s probably not going to do those 9 months in jail. Then again, if that judge was more of a California Dreams fan, then he might want to call up Mr. Belding and ask him to pack up a duffel bag with a couple pairs of his best wacky pants and inform the world there’s a chance there will be one less messy former child star in it for the next little while.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The “Zestfully clean!” towel from the Zest commercials.

Every morning, when my body awakens from the wine and pork rinds-induced coma it was put in the night before, the broken down, water-damaged wooden music box I call a brain starts thinking of a song. I usually think of some stupid ass pop song and it lives in my head the entire day. But the other day, I woke up thinking of the Zest jingle, so of course, I had to watch old Zest commercials. That earworm of a jingle made its debut in Zest commercials sometime in the 1980s and they still use it.

In the commercials, overexcited person after overexcited person gets so overexcited about being zestfully clean. Who in the hell is that excited about showering? Actually, I’m sure the tricks who hump on Charlie Sheen are that excited when they wash away his smegma from their bodies with Zest in the shower.

The secret ingredient in Zest must be opiates and these messes must be snorting the foam in the shower, because they are unnaturally happy and exited. You’re not fully high until you’re zestfully high!

The towels were almost as legendary as that damn jingle. I remember that if you sent in a few “proof of purchase” codes from a Zest bar and a few dollars for shipping, they’d sent you a towel. The ones from the 80s and early 90s must be considered precious works of art now and I’m surprised I haven’t read how one was sold for tens of millions of dollars at Sotheby’s.

And you haven’t officially been christened as a child of the 80s until you’ve done the Zestfully clean towel stretch in your bathroom mirror.