Lilo Is New And Improved. Stop Laughing.

Have you ever tried to type while you’re laughing your ass off??  Then you’ll forgive the typos when I tell you that Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman ahahahaha no seriously hahahaha… AHEM!  SHE HAS CHANGED!!  TMZ says that Lilo has turned down numerous (hey, two counts as numerous) offers to host NYE parties because she desperately wants to change her party girl image.

Open Post: Hosted By Obama And A Baby

Reason #591,869 for why BABIES!!! get special treatment. If any one of us pulled this shit, we would be tackled by every Secret Service Agent, dragged into a cell, have our fingers surgically removed for poison testing and tried for treason. Yet this baby does it and everyone’s like, “Awwwww… Nomnomobama.”

And I haven’t seen Fox News’ headline for this yet, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a magical work of high art that will replace Mona Lisa’s spot at the Louvre.

via The Daily What

Sinead O’Connor Just Beat Kim Kardashian’s Record

In a shocking turn of events that nobody saw coming, Sinead O’Connor’s marriage to the sweet-faced tenhead man lasted just a second longer than 7 hours and 15 days. Sinead announced on her blog last night that she is quitting Barry Herridge after being married to him for a total of 18 days. Sinead writes that because Barry’s family pushed hard pressure on him (the same way a peen pushes hard pressure into Sinead’s asshole to turn her difficult brown into easy brown) to leave her ass, she has decided to end their love. Here’s a piece of what Sinead wrote on her site last night:

Within 3 hours of the ceremony being over the marriage was kyboshed by the behaviour of certain people in my husband’s life. And also by a bit of a wild ride i took us on looking for a bit of a smoke of weed for me wedding night as I don’t drink. My husband was enormously wounded and very badly effected by that experience and also by the attitude of those close to him toward our marriage. It became apparent to me that if he were to stay with me he would be losing too much to bear. And that being with me was not going to serve him positively , career wise or any other wise. I saw his life leave him because of how people close to him reacted. And I can’t take anyone’s life. And a woman wants to be a joy to her husband. So.. U love someone? Set them free.

He is a wonderful man. I love him very much. I’m sorry I’m not a more regular woman. I truly believe though it is painful to admit, we made a mistake rushing into getting married, for altruistic reasons, and weren’t aware or prepared for the consequences on my husband’s life and the lives of those close to him. He has been terribly unhappy and I have therefore ended the marriage. I think he is too nice to do so. And too nice to trap.

He is as I said, a wonderful man. We part amicably. I wish him to be free and happy and loved and supported and for him to have privacy as that is utmost important for his job and for the children he treats as a therapist so I plead on theirs and his behalf for media to please leave him and his family alone. I really beg this.

You know, not all loves are meant to last forever. Barry spent his honeymoon doing some Pineapple Express shit while looking for some weed all over Las Vegas and I’m sure if he rubs his peen really hard and puts his hand to his nose, he can still smell Sinead’s difficult brown. That is real love right there. And what I’ve learned from Sinead’s ten second queef of a marriage is to always keep the name of a good weed man in every city on file.

PETA’s On Janet Jackson’s Ass

Ms. Jackson if you relevant, cuz’ PETA on her like red paint on a fur muff!

Janet Jackson’s had it shitty since Justin Timberlake ripped her nipple cover off at the Superbowl that time. America blamed the black girl for being sexy(?), and completely forgave the pussy-ass white boy who was equally in on it and then let him make too many fucking appearances on Saturday Night Live.

Janet can barely sell a record now, and she’s been reduced to becoming the spokesass for Nutrisystem! Case in point – the last couple of Nutrisystem spokeswomen have been Topanga from Boy Meets World and Marie Osmond. Those may seem like career lows, but like a phoenix from the ashes – Janet has pissed off PETA by launching a line of dead animal skins with Blackgama. PETA being mad at you keeps you in the spotlight. For a day. But still!

“When Janet Jackson had her infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’ during the Super Bowl, at least the flesh that popped into view was her own,” writes PETA’s Jeff Mackey. “Unlike the stolen animal skins that she drapes herself with, which are as dead as her taste in fashion (not to mention her career). Ms. Jackson, you’re just plain nasty.”

They’ve named her “Grinch of the Year 2011.” Neither Penny from Good Times or Blackgama has responded. She just can’t hear them through her mink babushka.

My Dad won “Grinch of the Year” in 1986 when he threatened to stand at the bottom of the chimney with a shotgun and blow Santa away when he came down. The joke was on him, because we didn’t have a chimney! He drank.

 (via Buzzfeed)

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Serena Williams In Miami

I’m always covering Dlisted with heaping servings of dick and man nipples, so finally here’s something for all the hos out there who love it when a pair of steel hard nalgas crack their cheek bones while they’re tossing some lady salad. This is Serena Williams throwing the paps a “My farts has six packs on them too, bitch!” look while jet skiing with her friends in Miami over the weekend.

When I first brought up these pictures, my eyes fell back like DAMN. That ass. That’s an ass that’ll make any shit look for another exit because it knows it can’t conquer that double stuffed mountain. That’s an ass that if you try to bounce a quarter on it, it’ll swallow that quarter and spit out a Quarter Pounder. If you tried to hit that ass from the back, it’ll circumcise you AGAIN and I’m sure you wouldn’t even mind it. When Serena claps that ass, even Zeus sits down and drops his lightning bolt. Bitch ain’t playing around with that ass.

Here’s more of Serena looking like an HGH-taking pit bull in lingerie.

Meet The World’s Champion Masturbator!

Hit pause on your Anal Assault 19 clip, put down your Jergen’s, and pull up your drawers. Masanobu Sato has got this. He’s been declared the World’s Champion Masturbator! He’s even got a trophy that should totally be a bronze casting of a crumpled tissue but isn’t. For you horny bitches who worry that your measly three shots a day in the stall at work might constitute a chronic masturbation problem which is going to get your ass fired when you’re found out, think again. According to Kotaku, Sato’s record is 9 HOURS AND 59 MINUTES. The judge needs to throw out GaGa’s former assistant’s sad-ass lawsuit and move on to this one, because Sato’s dick has a better case! How does one’s peen take that much punishment? The poor thing’s probably in tiny traction by now with third degree chafing burns. Amnesty International needs to save that cock from its cruel captor causing it to dry-cum over and over again!

Sato has a live-in girlfriend (!!!) who he doesn’t have sex with because she’s busy making dresses and timing his efforts. And weeping.  Once you watch the vid, you’ll note that their apartment is tiny. She must have an umbrella on standby due to his preference for porn. Yes, The World’s Champion Masturbator has some hang-ups about sex with live girls. He doesn’t even wank to live-action porn. He fucks his fist to hentai (NSFW) because girls are “dirty” and they “smell”. Sato’s lady and Kate Minor might have some self-esteem issues in common.

Japan is an interesting (read – sucio) place where you can purchase used panties from vending machines, so this is probably no big whoop for them.  One of their gameshows involves dudes racing each other after receiving enemas and riding bikes with the seats INSIDE THEM. How much is airfare to Japan from Boston? Check out Sato’s story in the video below (NSFW).