No, This Is Not Creepy At All

On last night’s American Idol, Casey Abrams, a freakishly tall Hobbit who was forced to flee Middle-earth after finding out that his true father is Hagrid from Harry Potter, ended his performance of Maroon 5’s “Harder to Breathe” by getting in JLo’s face and launching a kiss onto her cheek. Maybe I’ve seen too many novellas and basic cable movies about stalkers, but when a man gets in your face like that for an extended period of time it’s usually because he wants to tell you that he’s about to murder your entire family. Or he wants to tell you that he knows what you did and you better meet him upstairs in his bedroom before he places a call to the sheriff. Unless that’s the effect Casey was going for, his timing sucked.

It was extra creepy that Casey kept singing “it’s getting hard and harder to breeeeathe” while making it harder and harder for JLo to breathe since he was blocking her air space. See? This is a direct threat and the Middle-earth authorities should be contacted right away.

via HuffPo

There’s A New Old Spice Guy In The Jungle

Isaiah Mustafa is busy shooting Tyler Perry movies and maybe-humping on Kathy Griffin, so he just doesn’t have the time in his busy schedule to seduce your senses in Old Spice commercials anymore. So Old Spice made a new spokesman by rubbing together a piece of beige velvet with a drop of musk juice from Isaiah’s glands. The new dude gave it his best shot, but he turned my entire body flaccid when he came out of the jungle with Skeletor legs! The chick in this commercial must have horizon eyes, because how can she not see that from the waist down dude is an extra from The Mummy. BITCH HAS NO DICK!

The message in Old Spice’s commercial is that their scent is so manly that it will make any woman want to rip the wearer’s clothes off (or his skin off, in this case) and allow herself to be taken by him. But how is this supposed to happen if he’s got a mound of bones where his dick is supposed to be? Are you supposed to bump your ‘gina against his pelvic bone? That’s some “osteoporosis via fucking” shit.

With this commercial, Old Spice must be catering to the man-loving necrophiliacs out there. And JLo.

Here Comes Another Baby For Ethan Hawke

Add another scratch to the wall we use to keep track of all the occupied wombs in Celebwhoreland. Ethan Hawke’s former side piece nanny turned wife of 3 years Ryan Shawnhughes is knocked up with their second child. Ethan has two kids with Uma Thurman, so this newest baby friend will be his fourth.

When you used to tap at your nipples while watching Ethan in Reality Bites back in the day, did you ever think he would become a four time father and that his face would eventually transform into that of a gas station lurker who stares at ladies while they pump gas? It’s like Ethan’s face is going through its “Aaron Carter period”, right? Anyway…

Ethan and Ryan haven’t yet confirmed that their ohmydahlin oh mydaaaaaahlin daughter Clementine is going to be a sister, but a source tells UsWeekly that they’ve seen her bump WITH THEIR VERY EYES, “She’s got an adorable little basketball belly!” Another source piped in with, “They don’t know the gender, but…Clementine really wants a little brother!”

And I’m sure that as soon as Ethan laid his eyes on the piss stick with a pink thumbs up on it, his first words to his wife were: “Oh, it looks like we might need a little extra nanny help around the house… Allow me to take care of that.”

Chris Martin Is Not Dazzled By The GOOP

Contrary to Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief, not every ho wants to sit on an antique farmhouse chair (imported from wherever the rarest antique farmhouse chairs exist) and sip from a bowl of liquefied black pearls while telling their pretentious cunt friends how most tiresome it is that a bald eagle chose to nest on the exact cliff where they want to build their early autumn mountain chalet (SPOILER ALERT: they bull dozed that nest down). And one of those Not Every Hos is Fishsticks’ very own husband Chris Martin.

According to Popeater, Chris was a guest at a dinner party to celebrate Fishy’s new cookbook and he gave the same pout his wife gives when her semi-private fishmonger (IN THIS ECONOMY, she has to share a fishmonger with the McCartneys and the royals) tells her that they’re all out of Osetra caviar. Apparently, Chris’ glumcuntface let everyone know that he would rather be sucking off a chainsaw than sitting with his wife’s friends.

When Chris arrived, reporters were told that he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Chris camped out in a corner and shriveled inside every time he had to hold a conversation with the likes of Martha Stewart and Mario Batali.

I subliminally threw Chris a “suck it up, cunt” look until I read what Jessica Seinfeld said before dinner began: “You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth’s world. Because this is the real deal. And she’s invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.”

Jessica Seinfeld is the fucking worst. Allow me to hide a heaping dose of STFU in her brownies. Who says that shit? Those are the kind of words you say at the grand opening of an In-N-Out across the street from your house. You don’t say that about “a world” where you have to wear shoes at the dinner table and are expected to use the correct fork to eat duck ala eatme.

But Fishy fixed everything when she fed Chris a spoon full of flax seed oil and told him he’s the biggest, greatest rock star in the world. Seeing as though Fishy’s world is her only world, that’s not saying much (but don’t tell Chris).

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 20th!

Plans for a “Bethdittowood” are coming along swimmingly somewhere in Tennessee. – ImpertinentVixen

Runners-up:

Kim, Kloe and Kourtney in the made-for-E! movie, BurlesK. – starvis

Yeah, it started out as a trampoline… – P.T.Bull

At her baby shower,Natalie Portman wanted a realistic portrayal of her in the different stages of pregnancy. Sadly, they were not given credit for their rolls. – fosho

via Break

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The majestic unibrow on James Beard nominated chef and Top Chef Masters contestant Hugh Acheson! I know that on this dilapidated soapbox of a blog I regularly preach about how one should worship a pair of tweezers and brow pencil like they are the only things in life who won’t let them down at the end of the day (they won’t), but I can also appreciate when one goes au naturel and lets their brow hairs go wild.

Chef Hugh Acheson has given us a widow’s peak that hasn’t been seen on television since Eddie Munster’s days. A widow’s peak brow! It really is a thing of beauty. If he moves his brows up and down, it will look like a long-winged bird flying into the sunset. It’s like Bob Ross himself conceived those brows.

Don’t get me wrong, my retinas still smile wider for a pair of exquisitely thin Sharpie brows, but I have to give credit where credit is due! Call off the search, because the resurrection of Frida Kahlo’s unibrow has been found.