Did somebody say All You Can Eat Pepaw Buffet?? Well let me tuck a paper napkin into my collar and grab a handful of wet-naps, cause I’m boarding the train to Shameville. Toot toot! All aboard, and leave your dignity at the door! Wait…I think I just mixed up a restaurant analogy with a train analogy. Oh who cares, it’s Jack Nicholson grossly ripping through a chill dog at last nights Lakers vs. Timberwolves game and – sorry not sorry – but guess what? I WOULD.
I don’t care how many of you set your judging’ eyes on me for this, but I love Jack Nicholson and I don’t care that he’s old as Moses and bloated like a water-logged pool noodle. I still think he’s charming in an inappropriate Oscar-winning whiskey-drunk hippo kind of way. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I’d let him get balls deep and call me a hot sandwich if he wanted to. And all the haters can step to the left, but the rest can join the club; it’s weird and sometimes you’ll feel bad for your parents, but we have Baileys and pizza bagel bites and you don’t have to wear pants.
Here’s more of Jack at the Lakers game chowing down on a chill dog (I’m sure there’s a gross Urban Dictionary entry for that, but I don’t have the stomach for it right now) along with a palate cleanser in the form of Zac Efron (I heard he’s more of a corn dog kinda guy).
Goddamn, Zac! Did you forget the safe word again? Write it on your hand next type. The dangers of rough trade…
E! News says that Zac’s glory hole trips have been put on a hold for a while, because his beautiful, exquisitely cut, bronzer-covered jaw has been wired shut after he broke it during a fall. Zac supposedly slipped on a puddle he didn’t see while walking into his house in L.A. and broke his jaw when he fell. I bet that as Zac fell, he screamed, “NOT THE FACE! JESUS! NOT THE FAAA-” Boom. That bitch floor got the face.
Zac also has cut himself and needed stitches. Zac’s jaw was wired shut while it heals and he’s going to make a full recovery.
Zac was in rehab twice this year for a coke addiction, so we could joke that by “slipped in a puddle” they mean “owed his coke dealer cash and was forced to bite the curb” or whatever, but I know what’s really going on here. This is all just a ruse! Pretty Pretty Princess Zac didn’t fall on his jaw. Zac just wants to lose a little chunk and so he wired his jaw shut so he can’t put anything in his mouth hole. Zac better give credit where credit is due and thank Tami Roman for the idea.
Someone at Star Magazine must’ve been snorting Zac Efron’s drug of choice, Lohan powder, while staring at a topless picture of him as Nicki Minaj’s “Sex In The Lounge” played in the background, because they came up with some amazing fanfiction-on-acid shit. According to Star (via Jezebel), Zac probably snorted a few lines off of Nicki Minaj’s triple-decker butt cheek before her ass swallowed him whole and spit him out. Some source says that Nicki and Zac bumped wet parts one night and her body is still quivering over how good the Bronzer-covered dick was. The source said:
“Nicki took Zac to her house in West Hollywood… She said he was the best lover she’s ever had.”
Nicki calling Zac “the best lover she’s ever had” is making Rowlf the Dog feel rejected and disappointed with himself, because you know the Muppets have ran a train on her at least once.
Nicki Minaj hooking up with pretty pretty princess Zac Efron? Really? It’s obvious what really happened. Nicki Minaj is one of the faces of MAC and Zac Efron gets moist in all the right places from putting on MAC Lipglass. Nicki probably has a floor full of MAC shit in her house. I bet Nicki has MAC shit that hasn’t even come out yet. So all those moans, groans, screeches, squirting sounds and screams for God coming from Nicki’s bedroom weren’t from Zac giving it to her hard. Zac made those sounds when Nicki showed him all the brand new Lipglass colors for fall. That’s what really happened. Zac still hasn’t washed the panties he creamed into during his intimate moment with Nicki, because he wants to remember that night forever and he can’t wait to go back for more.
Mickey Mouse and the other whore makers of Disney let out a cackle of victory the other day when it was reported that the prettiest man princess in the entire land, Zac Efron, was in rehab five months ago. Some say Zac was in rehab for his addiction to wrapping his gloss-covered lips around a booze bottle, but TMZ says that his drug of choice was coke. Now TMZ is saying that Zac’s addiction to the white shit reached Lohan levels of bad and he had to sit in rehab twice this year. Oh, Zac, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to snort cocaine! You’re only supposed to use it to numb your b-hole.
TMZ’s sources say that Zac has been into coke for 2 years and he also gets into Molly every now and again. When his cocaine bill grew bigger than his bronzer bill, he knew something wasn’t right and got outpatient care at a private house in California for a few weeks in March. After he finished outpatient treatment, he went back to L.A. to start shooting Neighbors and he immediately fell off the wagon and landed face-first in a mountain of coke. In April, Zac went back for a second round of outpatient care.
Sources say that Zac numbs the pain with the bad shit, because he’s got the sads over his career being in purgatory, he’s got “girl” problems and his parents are trying to control his life. Zac was hanging around with a bunch of cokeheads who kept him coked up, but he dumped them all a few months ago.
James St. James at Wow Report said that there’s been whispers that this could be Zac’s PR team’s way of toughening him up and scratching his wholesome image away so he can get bad boy-type roles. I don’t think that’s true, but if it is, then Zac needs to fire all of his PR whores immediately. You don’t toughen your ass up with a coke problem. The only way to really toughen up your image is by starring in a leaked hardcore gay sex tape with Joe Jonas. That’s how you do it. Everyone knows that (just go with me on this)!
We all should’ve known that something was going on with Zac Efron five months ago when waterproof clear mascara was readily available at every single store. A source tells People that five months ago, Zac Efron was drying out in rehab on the down low and nobody found about it. No, Zac Efron was not in rehab for his addiction to freebasing MAC Lip Glass or snorting Make Up Forever finishing powder. E! made it sound like Zac Efron was in rehab for an addiction to the sweet nectar, but TMZ says that he had a little problem with a certain powder that Lindsay Lohan snorted only once, twice or a million times in her life.
TMZ says that while Zac was shooting Neighbors last April, he was doing coke a lot and it turned into a problem. Some source tells TMZ that he didn’t show up to work a few times and everyone knew he was coked up all the time. In Zac’s defense, he was working with Seth Rogen on that movie and nothing will drive you to a coke dealer’s house like working with Seth Rogen. And Zac was also working with Dave Franco and who can say no to doing a line off of Dave Franco’s six pack gutters.
People’s source says that Zac is sober, healthy and taking care of himself again.
Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse high-fived the South American drug lords he’s in cahoots with after saying, “It took us a while, but we got him!”
Here’s Zac at the TIFF premiere of his movie Parkland on September 7th.
Here’s former pretty pretty Disney princess Zac Efron in a still from that movie where he plays a horny, douchey head of a fraternity that moves a few houses down from Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne. Just a few years ago, Zac was looking like a Twinkie covered with Bronzer, clear mascara and MAC Lip Glass and now he’s all beefed up and looking like he actually grew that nipple hair and patch of stomach fur by himself. I can believe that Zac has grown out of his pretty, pretty princess phase and no longer moisturizes his b-hole with glittery lip chap and strawberry-scented lotion (he totally still does), but I still refuse to believe that he’s not naturally as smooth as a Sphynx cat’s pussy. Zac doesn’t have follicles on his body. It’s not possible. That’s totally spray-on chest hair or glued-on pubes. Bless the bitch who donated their pubes so that Zac could have chest fur.
Or is the plural of dildo “Kardashians”? I’m not sure.
Anyway, a paparazzo was strolling by the window of the Fantasy World sex shop in the West Village the other day when something shiny, plastic and beautiful caught his eye. The paparazzo looked into the window and saw the most pretty and special dildo he’s ever seen in his life and it was surrounded by a bunch of homely dildos. And as the paparazzo’s body twitched while thinking about all the places he’d like to take that pretty, pretty dildo, the pretty, pretty dildo blinked! It wasn’t a dildo. It was just the most beautiful Disney princess of all-time Zac Efron! So the paparazzo pulled out his camera and started taking pictures of Zac standing next to a menagerie of plastic dicks (click here to see the picture, that glowing blue one looks like its begging Zac to kiss it gently). The New York Post says that when Zac realized the pap was taking pictures of him in a garden of toy dicks, he ran after the pap. A witness type said this to the Post:
“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures. He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.”
The pap refused, so Zac’s spokeswhores quickly put out a statement saying that he was at the sex store to film a scene for his new movie. So Zac Efron was shooting a scene with a bunch of dildos as his co-stars (wouldn’t be the first time, see: High School Musical) and I’m guessing that scene is going to be in the movie, but yet he’s begging a paparazzo to delete a picture of him with a bunch of dildos? That makes sense! But whatever, Zac shouldn’t be so dramatic. It’s not like his little, innocent fans haven’t seen him with a bunch of dildos before (again, see: High School Musical). And we should all be impressed, because Zac was able to chase after that pap while a butt plug he was trying on was firmly stuck up his culo.
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I’m hoping is 2012′s biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that’s it’s that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron’s chest by pissing on him. That’s all you need to know. There’s also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you’ve got Nicole’s coochie raining on Zac’s face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.
A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don’t have to hear that crap, but let’s focus on the positive like Nicole’s white trash skank look. I know I’ve said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole’s hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
When I first read that in Lee Daniels’ newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron’s chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave “Nicole Kidman’s Piss Stream” on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn’t going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac’s lip gloss-covered nipples, because she’s not black.
“I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, ‘She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.’ I was like, ‘Nah, man. She’s not black!’ I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy.”
The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn’t for playing a character that wasn’t black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren’t trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels’ Precious, Mo’Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don’t know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you’re high on meth. I’m not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.
And now I have the image of Mo’Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.
If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that’s because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels’ upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!
The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack’s character and wants to marry him. With Nicole’s help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole’s coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, “Guuuurrrl, I’ll have what she’s having!”
As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I’ll let Vulture give it to you:
Later in the movie, as Efron’s romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac’s “maybe she’s born with it” face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would’ve had a hissy fit over that…pissy fit (sorry).
And I’m calling it right now. The Oscar goes to……Nicole Kidman’s piss stream!
Here’s Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.