Mel B’s book Brutally Honest is coming out soon, and she and the publishers are selling it like a Mary Kay saleswoman circa 1987 who is just 50 Magic Masques away from getting that pink Cadillac. They’re releasing excerpts from her book that are a mixture of disturbing and ESCANDALOSO like how she snorted six lines of coke a day during The X Factor and was left traumatized after having to watch the dozens of illegal sex tapes her smegma bubble of an ex-husband made without her consent. But the story that made me stop, drop, and roll was the one about how Mel B supposedly met up with two famous dudes after meeting them on a secret hookup website where single famous men allegedly post dick pics.
So Scary Spice is telling me that somewhere on the internet exists a place where there’s picture after picture of a hard dick of a celebrity and the celebrity posts it himself? Does the site’s intro page look like this?
Mel B has been accused by her ex of being an alcoholic and a sex addict. She’s denied both claims and says instead, that she suffers from PTSD and has, in the past, used sex and alcohol as a means of self medicating. Now The Daily Mail is adding a little context to the sex addiction claims by reporting that Mel B once self medicated using Zac Efron’s body. Far be it for me to encourage or condone addictive behavior but I just gotta say, atta girl!
Above is Zac Efron looking like Zac Efron (aka a boring piece of pretty-faced cardboard that’s been injected with gallons of HGH).
And below is Zac Efron looking like South Florida’s least popular George Michael impersonator whose main job was being an Insane Clown Posse roadie before he got fired for selling bootleg bath salts to the Juggalos. In other words: Zac Efron has never achieved this kind of Panty Creaming status before. If his Sun-In-damaged pompadour doesn’t make your fuck parts scream aoooga, then his zen garden beard (or lines of coke beard, depending how you look at it) and look-for-less Jared Leto outfit will. Zac looks like the kind of dude who regularly answers Tampa area Craigslist Casual Encounters ads from old men looking to suck straight dick in exchange for a 4-count of Monster Energy Drink.
— Angie (@nyefrongirls) February 10, 2018
And of course Zac looks like that for a Harmony Korine movie. That’s what it looks like when you get Korine’d (ask James Franco). IMDB says that The Beach Bum is about a stoner named Moondog (played by Matthew McConaughey) who lives by his own rules and goes on some kind of journey or whatever. It also stars Isla Fisher and Snoop Dogg. Zac plays some mess named Flicker, and I’m going to guess that Flicker is a Vanilla Ice cover rapper named Nilla Wafer Sludge. Get him the Oscar (or Razzie) now!
It involved Zac apologetically turning down a Jesus Juice get-together. I kid! Tom Cruise’s favorite pole dancer, Zac Efron, made a return appearance on The Graham Norton Show and had a heartwarming MJ story to tell. Michael Jackson was a big fan of High School Musical, Zac was a big fan of Michael Jackson, and tears were shed when the two got on the phone together.
No, this is not some sort of bizarre High School Musical/A Few Good Men erotic fan-fiction. A little-too-shredded-now-for-twink-porn Zac Efron and petite cultist Tom Cruise appeared on Graham Norton’s show to
butt-plug various projects. While there, Zac showed off some pole-dancing skills as Tom probably stained his secret thong. All I know is, that’s a lot of gay in once place (not that that’s a bad thing).
Graham showed a pic of Zac holding himself sideways on a parking meter, which led to Graham making Zac showing off that trick with a stripper pole. So much subtext! How did Zac react when Tom asked him to show that trick again “on the pole back at my hotel room?” My favorite part of this was Tom’s reaction to the photo. According to People:
When Norton asked Efron if the picture had been photoshopped, fellow exercise enthusiast Cruise said, “No, he’s doing it.”
I’m assuming that People graciously left out “Tom said in a husky voice, while surreptitiously wiping the lust drool off his perpetually smiling face.”
Watch Zac Efron handle his pole for his biggest fan, below.
I don’t know what’s worse: the opening weekend numbers for Baywatch, or all of the “Baywatch belly flopped” jokes that came out of it.
It looks like the bait of Zac Efron’s beefy upper body (or seeing him in Real Housewives of Gold’s Gym drag) wasn’t enough to get people to watch the Baywatch movie. According to Box Office Mojo, its four-day domestic box office gross was less than $23 million. It cost $69 million to make. Baywatch came in at #3 under Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came in at #1 with more than $78 million. So people did want to see a mess in the ocean, just not one starring The Rock and Zac Efron.
Fingers are being pointed at a number of reasons why Baywatch flopped in North America. The Hollywood Reporter says that movie theaters had a really lousy Memorial Day weekend (it was the lowest Memorial Day weekend in nearly two decades). The Rock blames the critics.
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) May 25, 2017
So does Paramount’s president of marketing Megan Colligan. She tells The Hollywood Reporter that Baywatch tested great in screenings, but the critics killed it with their bad reviews. Baywatch currently holds a rating of 19% on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess this officially means Baywatch Nights is no longer the most embarrassing Baywatch? Congratulations, Baywatch Nights!
Here’s the cast working hard for those overseas dollars at the Berlin premiere of Baywatch in Berlin today.