Someone call up Michelle Rodriguez with the good news that her favorite lil’ party buddy is single and ready to mingle on the boat circuit with her this summer. Start stocking up on cases of Seagram’s Escapes and Malibu 6 tanning oil now, Michelle!
Earlier today, InTouch noticed that it looked like Zac Efron had removed all traces of his girlfriend of almost two years Sami Miró from his social media life. Gone were any pictures of Sami from Zac’s Instagram account, and he was no longer following her on Twitter. To those who require a Millenial to English translation, Zac basically peeled away the cellophane from the pages of his photo albums, ripped out every picture of Sami, and threw them in the trash along with the tape of saved answering machine messages. UsWeekly and E! News are saying that several sources have confirmed to them that Zac and Sami are no longer together.
As for the reason why, neither Zac or Sami have officially said anything about it. Even those sources didn’t have anything to say besides the fact that they were officially done. But according to InTouch, it might have something to do with a rumor that Sami was getting on a dick that wasn’t Zac’s at Coachella this past weekend.
However, based on those recent-ish shirtless pictures of Zac’s muscles, I’m more inclined to believe that he was the one who is leaving her for another someone else. And that someone else is creatine. My guess is that Zac was trying to balance them both, “The Boy Is Mine“-style, and got busted after whispering Sami’s name while chugging his morning protein shake. And when forced to choose between the two, he’s obviously going to choose his protein. Sorry Sami, you just can’t compete with the bitch who keeps Zac bulked-up like a human climbing wall.
Here’s Zac and Sami arriving at Jimmy Kimmel Live! way way back in January. As much as I want to have something to say about Sami’s lack of pants situation, I can’t, because I’m far too hypnotized by those gorgeous acrylic nail tips.
I don’t know if Zac Efron has ever gotten on his knees for a movie role, but he got on his knees last night to sell his movie. That’s one way to get Tom Cruise to put you in the cast for the next Mission Impossible movie.
Zac and Seth Rogen are currently pimping out Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, and at the MTV Movie Awards over the weekend, they presented a golden dingles award together. During their bit, Seth Rogen came on stage in a muscle suit and joked that the pressure to be a buff funny dude in Hollywood got to him and so he roided-up so much that his hueovs shrunk. Seth’s nuts looking like two saladitos is all Zac Efron’s fault, so he makes the former prettiest princess of Disney get down and ask for forgiveness. Seeing Zac get weepy while on his knees probably made a Skid Row dealer say, “That looks familiar…”
— MTV (@MTV) April 11, 2016
You know, I never thought that Zac Efron was that great of an actor, but when he’s on his knees and speaking straight into another dude’s crotch, the raw emotions seem to pour right out of him. Serious directors, take note! If you’re ever casting another Romeo & Juliet movie, consider Zac Efron and Seth Rogen’s shriveled testicles for the title roles.
The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?
Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.
Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.
And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.
I hate white elephant gifts, but if I ever find myself in another gift exchange, I pray that Zac Efron’s mom gets my name, because she truly gives the best presents.
Zac Efron tweeted a picture of the dick pasta his mom gave him for Christmas. A mother always knows best. Zac obviously loved getting his stocking stuffed with peen pasta, because he praised his mom’s gift-giving skills on Twitter.
Urban Dictionary can go ahead and update their definition for “TOO EASY.” The top definition should be that tweet.
(Fun fact that I don’t know for sure is a fact but it probably is: On Italian nights at the Scientology Centre, the chef serves penis pasta with a fresh white sauce and garlic dough balls.)
All together now (in the voice of Timbaland): Your hips, your thighs, you got me hypnotized, let me tell you….
Zac Efron, the former teen actor that Mickey Mouse created using the DNA of a bronzer stick and a Disney princess doll, slipped back into his casual freakum shorts yesterday to shoot scenes for Neighbors 2: Zac Efron Better Be Naked In This One Or I’m Going To Cause A Scene While Screaming For A Refund At The Movie Theater Customer Service Desk. But really, I’m guessing that in this one Zac Efron’s character finds God and becomes a strict Catholic who dresses conservatively, because this is the most clothes he’s worn in a movie in a while.
And I haven’t seen the first Neighbors, but does Rose Byrne play a free-spirited community college drama teacher, because that outfit…
Zac Efron’s chafed taint is still sore from viciously scissoring with Michelle Rodriguez on a yacht in Italy, but he’s not letting that stop him from getting on a new piece.
At the Dodgers game last month, a bleary-eyed and slightly bloat face’d (Side note: Basically he looked like me the day after Dunkin’ Donuts opened in L.A.) Zac Efron was papped with a mysterious woman (Other side note: “Mysterious woman” is a nice way of saying “non-famous regular“). That same chick was papped again on Sunday when she and Pretty Pretty Princess Zac arrived in Copenhagen, Denmark after flying in from L.A. People ID’d Zac’s new piece as Sami Miró and her LinkedIn profile says that she speaks French, graduated from business school and used to work in business development for a media company. She has yet to update her profile so that it reads: “Current – Zac Efron’s Full-Time Lip Gloss Holder.”
If Sami Miró’s name sounds familiar to you, that’s because just like every other person on the planet she’s e-mailed you at least 20 times to let you know that she’s awaiting your response to her LinkedIn invitation. I’m surprised she has time to go to Denmark with Zac. Shouldn’t she be patiently awaiting your response to her kind invitation?
But seriously, these pictures of Zac with his new piece have me a little concerned. When Zac is driving and he spots a rogue brow hair on his face while looking in the rearview mirror, he immediately pulls the emergency brake, punches the hazard lights button and refuses to drive any further until he’s plucked that bitch out. Zac stops everything when he’s not easy, breezy, beautiful perfect. So it’s suspect to me that he has been papped twice with a piece whose current hair situation looks like that. How is it possible that Zac hasn’t run his ass off to Ulta Beauty to buy a box of beard dye that’d erase that tragic yellow color from Sami’s hair? Why hasn’t he done this? Who are you, Zac? Who are you?
There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.
Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.
“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”
Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.
“He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”
Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.
Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.
Butch queen Michelle Rodriguez and pretty pretty princess Zac Efron have been vacationing with friends in Sardinia for a little bit and that pairing makes zero sense until you remind yourself that Zac kind of loves drugs and she is made of equal parts coke, booze and weed. I was expecting to see the headline, “Italy Fresh Out Of The Bad Shit, Asks South America For A Cocaine Bailout,” but I was not expecting to see the headline, “Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez Confirm Romance.” Yesterday, The Daily Mail threw up pictures of Zac Efron getting lip gloss on Michelle Rodriguez’s face while delicately kissing her on a boat. The definition of “random” always finds new, creative and WTF ways to redefine itself. This is like the Inception of bearding.
MRod was clit wrestling with Cara Delevingne a few months ago and together they were my second favorite gayelle couple after Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, but I guess she’s done with that and now she’s one half of my new favorite lesbian couple. MRod has said before that she goes wherever her cooch takes her and she loves both dick and snatch, and you know her strap-on game is next level, so these two sort of make a sliver of sense. But CDAN has a different theory for why these two are suddenly a thing. Apparently, MRod really wants a fetus in her and she may be trying to get Zac’s glitter sperm to knock her up.
Michelle had a long time girlfriend. Her name is not important here, but they dated for lots of years and even have an agreement together in case they ever split. Not a registered partnership, but something to protect both of them in case of a split. This girlfriend and Michelle had been searching for someone to have a child for them. To be the father. The person they both decided on was Olivier Martinez. Yep, the same guy who ended up having a child with Halle Berry. Apparently Olivier told Michelle that he would love to have a child with her and Michelle was enamored of the idea and thought Olivier would be perfect. Then he got involved with Halle and Michelle felt betrayed and lied to by Olivier. Nothing new if you know Olivier. Up to that point, Michelle had never been with guy. Ever. Yes, I know she likes to tell the world she likes both sexes, and she does a lot of flirting, but remember it was only recently that she was spotted openly making out with Cara Delevingne and other women. Michelle decided to cheat with Cara on her then girlfriend who she was supposed to meet up with in Asia. Fast forward a few months and Michelle and Cara split and Michelle and Zac are spotted making out on boat off the coast of Italy and are joined by a guy who has been the source of a lot of issues with Zac.
If Michelle and Zac had a butch unicorn baby together, the Earth would end when millions of heads exploded simultaneously. I think Neil deGrasse Tyson talked about that in Cosmos or something.
This might be the greatest acting that Zac has ever done, because they actually look really into each other in those pics. MRod’s looking at Zac like he’s a giant vagina and he’s looking at her like she’s a giant tube of tinted moisturizer. You know, maybe they aren’t kissing at all. Maybe MRod burped up some coke. I’m going to stop questioning them and just go with it, because I can truly get behind (wink wink) a couple that “fuckery” queefed up.
Here’s Zac working out with hot Italian daddy Gianluca Vacchi in Sardinia on Saturday.
Since the spinning idea wheel in the The Tonight Show writer’s room has only 5 choices (lip-synch battle, dance-off, teen girl drag, something with Justin Timberlake, Brian Williams rap) it was only a matter of time before Jimmy Fallon slipped in to that fugly purple sundress and busted bus-stop wig. On Tuesday night, Seth Rogen and the lil’ bronzed beauty of Skid Row Zac Efron reminded everyone about their contractual obligation to hustle that frat house movie by appearing in Wet Seal clearance items on Jimmy Fallon’s fake Teen Nick talk show “Ew!”. Poor Jimmy Fallon; even with a full beard, Seth Rogen still makes a cuter girl. But neither of them can compare to the beauty of Zac Efron (DUH), who looks like Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s hotter half-sister. Coincidentally, he also looks hotter than the Jenner’s actual half-sisters, the Plastic Goblin Trio; but that’s not saying much, since anyone in a $20 wig and a spray tan can accomplish the same.
And I hope Zac stuffed that wig in his purse on the way out; it could come in handy if he wants to go incognito the next time his car “runs out of gas”.
Allison and I are getting a later start than usual today and surprisingly it’s not because the WiFi in the ER sucks and we’re waiting for doctors to clear us from the booze poisoning we got after filling our holes with gallons of sweet nectar to get through the MTV Movie Awards last night. It’s my fault we’re Lindsay Lohan-ing today. I dragged my ill ass body out of bed late, because I was sick all weekend and it got worse yesterday and that probably has everything to do with the fact that I binge watched 5 episodes of Glee while completely one hundred percent sober and then watched the MTV Who Ever Shows Up Gets An Award Awards. That combination is a deadly combination and made me feel as beaten down and worn out as Michelle Duggar’s pussy. The Surgeon General should really warn you of the dangers of watching the MTV Movie Awards without some mind-altering shit in your system.
So as an apology gift for my lateness, here’s the Belle of Skid Row Zac Efron (or Zac “Eeeeeee-fron” as MiserAlba would say) flexing, posing and showing off the body that was covered in Fashion Fair foundation (shade: Brown Sugar) and body hair that an assistant put on with glue and donated pubes since he’s as naturally hairless as a sphinx cat’s ass lips. Zac won “Best Shirtless Performance” and when he was nominated last month, he tweeted a promise that he’d accept that craft project trophy if he won. So of course, Zac won, because he’s the only one who showed up to rehearse Rita Ora ripping his shirt off.
Finally, Rita Ora has done something of use!
Yes, Zac tried to hypnotize us with his nipples to make us all forget that he got into a drug-deal-gone-wrong on Skid Row and it worked for a second until I said to myself, “Damn, coke does abs good!”
Pics: Wenn.com, AP