Allison and I are getting a later start than usual today and surprisingly it’s not because the WiFi in the ER sucks and we’re waiting for doctors to clear us from the booze poisoning we got after filling our holes with gallons of sweet nectar to get through the MTV Movie Awards last night. It’s my fault we’re Lindsay Lohan-ing today. I dragged my ill ass body out of bed late, because I was sick all weekend and it got worse yesterday and that probably has everything to do with the fact that I binge watched 5 episodes of Glee while completely one hundred percent sober and then watched the MTV Who Ever Shows Up Gets An Award Awards. That combination is a deadly combination and made me feel as beaten down and worn out as Michelle Duggar’s pussy. The Surgeon General should really warn you of the dangers of watching the MTV Movie Awards without some mind-altering shit in your system.
So as an apology gift for my lateness, here’s the Belle of Skid Row Zac Efron (or Zac “Eeeeeee-fron” as MiserAlba would say) flexing, posing and showing off the body that was covered in Fashion Fair foundation (shade: Brown Sugar) and body hair that an assistant put on with glue and donated pubes since he’s as naturally hairless as a sphinx cat’s ass lips. Zac won “Best Shirtless Performance” and when he was nominated last month, he tweeted a promise that he’d accept that craft project trophy if he won. So of course, Zac won, because he’s the only one who showed up to rehearse Rita Ora ripping his shirt off.
Finally, Rita Ora has done something of use!
Yes, Zac tried to hypnotize us with his nipples to make us all forget that he got into a drug-deal-gone-wrong on Skid Row and it worked for a second until I said to myself, “Damn, coke does abs good!”
Pics: Wenn.com, AP
The “bodyguard” who was with Zac Efron on Sunday night when he got fisted in the mouth tells TMZ his side of the story and even Lindsay Lohan while cracked out of her freckled skull could come with a better fairy tale than this shit. The “bodyguard,” who didn’t want to spill his name out, has a criminal record for violence and drugs, so he’s a “bodyguard” as much as John Travolta goes to a massage therapist for an actual massage.
At first, the “bodyguard” told TMZ that he and Zac were cruising around Downtown L.A. at 12:30 on Sunday, but later on in the conversation he says that they were going to a restaurant in Little Tokyo. Their car ran out of gas and rolled to a stop at the bottom of an off-ramp. Earlier, TMZ said that the 3 homeless dudes came at the bodyguard when Zac threw a glass bottle out the window and it broke near them. But the bodyguard says it didn’t go down like that. For whatever reason the 3 homeless dudes attacked him with a spear-like shank. They shanked him in the face, stomach and chest. Zac jumped out of the car with a vodka bottle in his hand and swung it at the homeless dudes hoping they’d stop stabbing his “bodyguard.” That’s when the cops arrived. So the “bodyguard” says that Zac is a real hero for saving his life.
The HELL is that story? A spear-like shank? When their gas-less car rolled to a stop, did it pass through a portal taking them to post-apocalyptic Los Angeles? Because whoever came up with that story watched Escape From L.A. too many times. Everything about that story is shady from the homeless dudes attacking the “bodyguard” with a shank for no reason to the delicate unicorn carved out of a giant Bronzer stick that is Zac Efron jumping out of the car with a vodka bottle. Whatever happened to the days when you were in a drug deal gone wrong and you could simply say, “Oh, you know, I was in a drug deal gone wrong.” If I’m ever in a drug deal gone wrong and need to lie about it, remind me to not tell the story Zac’s trying to push.
In “Girl, stop fucking with your beauty” news, TMZ says that the prettiest princess to come out of the Disney kingdom, Zac Efron, got another blow to his Maybe He’s Born With It face on Sunday when he got into a fight with a group of homeless people on Skid Row in Downtown L.A. There are two reasons to go to Skid Row late at night if you’re not homeless: 1) DRUGS and; 2) To put on a white blonde wig and sing the part of Audrey in a re-enactment of “Skid Row” from Little Shop of Horrors. The second one is a definite possibility, but I’m going to guess that Zac made a trip to Skid Row to get him some bad shit.
TMZ says that just after midnight on Sunday, the cops saw Zac and his bodyguard fighting with 3 homeless dudes. The cops broke up the fight and then questioned Zac. Zac told the police that he and his bodyguard were driving through Skid Row when their car “ran out of gas” and as they were waiting for a tow truck to come and get them, he threw a bottle out of the window and it broke near the group of homeless dudes. The homeless dudes came at Zac Efron’s bodyguard and Zac got out of the car to help. Zac trying to help his bodyguard led to him getting “cold cocked in the mouth” by one of the homeless dudes. I’m not into rough trade, so when I Google “Zac Efron cocked in the mouth,” this is not the story I want to see.
The police didn’t put anyone into handcuffs, because they labeled the situation as “mutual combat.” One source said that Zac was “obviously intoxicated” (read: on some shit). Zac went to rehab twice last year for a coke addiction and last November he busted his pretty when he “slipped and fell” on a puddle outside of his house.
The “Skid Row” part of L.A. is near a lot of clubs and restaurants in Downtown, so Zac could’ve been telling the truth, but survey says: NO. But really, Skid Row?! I thought one of the bonuses of being a famous millionaire is that you just have to press a button in your mansion and 5 minutes later a dealer carrying a briefcase full of your mind-numbing substance of choice shows up? Skid Row?! How dreadful. This is Nick Stahl levels of tragic. The entire cosmetics industry will collapse if Zac Efron goes from being a Cover Girl to dethroning Lindsay Lohan as the Hollywood Faces Of Meth Queen.
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Did somebody say All You Can Eat Pepaw Buffet?? Well let me tuck a paper napkin into my collar and grab a handful of wet-naps, cause I’m boarding the train to Shameville. Toot toot! All aboard, and leave your dignity at the door! Wait…I think I just mixed up a restaurant analogy with a train analogy. Oh who cares, it’s Jack Nicholson grossly ripping through a chill dog at last nights Lakers vs. Timberwolves game and – sorry not sorry – but guess what? I WOULD.
I don’t care how many of you set your judging’ eyes on me for this, but I love Jack Nicholson and I don’t care that he’s old as Moses and bloated like a water-logged pool noodle. I still think he’s charming in an inappropriate Oscar-winning whiskey-drunk hippo kind of way. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I’d let him get balls deep and call me a hot sandwich if he wanted to. And all the haters can step to the left, but the rest can join the club; it’s weird and sometimes you’ll feel bad for your parents, but we have Baileys and pizza bagel bites and you don’t have to wear pants.
Here’s more of Jack at the Lakers game chowing down on a chill dog (I’m sure there’s a gross Urban Dictionary entry for that, but I don’t have the stomach for it right now) along with a palate cleanser in the form of Zac Efron (I heard he’s more of a corn dog kinda guy).
Goddamn, Zac! Did you forget the safe word again? Write it on your hand next type. The dangers of rough trade…
E! News says that Zac’s glory hole trips have been put on a hold for a while, because his beautiful, exquisitely cut, bronzer-covered jaw has been wired shut after he broke it during a fall. Zac supposedly slipped on a puddle he didn’t see while walking into his house in L.A. and broke his jaw when he fell. I bet that as Zac fell, he screamed, “NOT THE FACE! JESUS! NOT THE FAAA-” Boom. That bitch floor got the face.
Zac also has cut himself and needed stitches. Zac’s jaw was wired shut while it heals and he’s going to make a full recovery.
Zac was in rehab twice this year for a coke addiction, so we could joke that by “slipped in a puddle” they mean “owed his coke dealer cash and was forced to bite the curb” or whatever, but I know what’s really going on here. This is all just a ruse! Pretty Pretty Princess Zac didn’t fall on his jaw. Zac just wants to lose a little chunk and so he wired his jaw shut so he can’t put anything in his mouth hole. Zac better give credit where credit is due and thank Tami Roman for the idea.
Someone at Star Magazine must’ve been snorting Zac Efron’s drug of choice, Lohan powder, while staring at a topless picture of him as Nicki Minaj’s “Sex In The Lounge” played in the background, because they came up with some amazing fanfiction-on-acid shit. According to Star (via Jezebel), Zac probably snorted a few lines off of Nicki Minaj’s triple-decker butt cheek before her ass swallowed him whole and spit him out. Some source says that Nicki and Zac bumped wet parts one night and her body is still quivering over how good the Bronzer-covered dick was. The source said:
“Nicki took Zac to her house in West Hollywood… She said he was the best lover she’s ever had.”
Nicki calling Zac “the best lover she’s ever had” is making Rowlf the Dog feel rejected and disappointed with himself, because you know the Muppets have ran a train on her at least once.
Nicki Minaj hooking up with pretty pretty princess Zac Efron? Really? It’s obvious what really happened. Nicki Minaj is one of the faces of MAC and Zac Efron gets moist in all the right places from putting on MAC Lipglass. Nicki probably has a floor full of MAC shit in her house. I bet Nicki has MAC shit that hasn’t even come out yet. So all those moans, groans, screeches, squirting sounds and screams for God coming from Nicki’s bedroom weren’t from Zac giving it to her hard. Zac made those sounds when Nicki showed him all the brand new Lipglass colors for fall. That’s what really happened. Zac still hasn’t washed the panties he creamed into during his intimate moment with Nicki, because he wants to remember that night forever and he can’t wait to go back for more.
Mickey Mouse and the other whore makers of Disney let out a cackle of victory the other day when it was reported that the prettiest man princess in the entire land, Zac Efron, was in rehab five months ago. Some say Zac was in rehab for his addiction to wrapping his gloss-covered lips around a booze bottle, but TMZ says that his drug of choice was coke. Now TMZ is saying that Zac’s addiction to the white shit reached Lohan levels of bad and he had to sit in rehab twice this year. Oh, Zac, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to snort cocaine! You’re only supposed to use it to numb your b-hole.
TMZ’s sources say that Zac has been into coke for 2 years and he also gets into Molly every now and again. When his cocaine bill grew bigger than his bronzer bill, he knew something wasn’t right and got outpatient care at a private house in California for a few weeks in March. After he finished outpatient treatment, he went back to L.A. to start shooting Neighbors and he immediately fell off the wagon and landed face-first in a mountain of coke. In April, Zac went back for a second round of outpatient care.
Sources say that Zac numbs the pain with the bad shit, because he’s got the sads over his career being in purgatory, he’s got “girl” problems and his parents are trying to control his life. Zac was hanging around with a bunch of cokeheads who kept him coked up, but he dumped them all a few months ago.
James St. James at Wow Report said that there’s been whispers that this could be Zac’s PR team’s way of toughening him up and scratching his wholesome image away so he can get bad boy-type roles. I don’t think that’s true, but if it is, then Zac needs to fire all of his PR whores immediately. You don’t toughen your ass up with a coke problem. The only way to really toughen up your image is by starring in a leaked hardcore gay sex tape with Joe Jonas. That’s how you do it. Everyone knows that (just go with me on this)!
We all should’ve known that something was going on with Zac Efron five months ago when waterproof clear mascara was readily available at every single store. A source tells People that five months ago, Zac Efron was drying out in rehab on the down low and nobody found about it. No, Zac Efron was not in rehab for his addiction to freebasing MAC Lip Glass or snorting Make Up Forever finishing powder. E! made it sound like Zac Efron was in rehab for an addiction to the sweet nectar, but TMZ says that he had a little problem with a certain powder that Lindsay Lohan snorted only once, twice or a million times in her life.
TMZ says that while Zac was shooting Neighbors last April, he was doing coke a lot and it turned into a problem. Some source tells TMZ that he didn’t show up to work a few times and everyone knew he was coked up all the time. In Zac’s defense, he was working with Seth Rogen on that movie and nothing will drive you to a coke dealer’s house like working with Seth Rogen. And Zac was also working with Dave Franco and who can say no to doing a line off of Dave Franco’s six pack gutters.
People’s source says that Zac is sober, healthy and taking care of himself again.
Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse high-fived the South American drug lords he’s in cahoots with after saying, “It took us a while, but we got him!”
Here’s Zac at the TIFF premiere of his movie Parkland on September 7th.
Here’s former pretty pretty Disney princess Zac Efron in a still from that movie where he plays a horny, douchey head of a fraternity that moves a few houses down from Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne. Just a few years ago, Zac was looking like a Twinkie covered with Bronzer, clear mascara and MAC Lip Glass and now he’s all beefed up and looking like he actually grew that nipple hair and patch of stomach fur by himself. I can believe that Zac has grown out of his pretty, pretty princess phase and no longer moisturizes his b-hole with glittery lip chap and strawberry-scented lotion (he totally still does), but I still refuse to believe that he’s not naturally as smooth as a Sphynx cat’s pussy. Zac doesn’t have follicles on his body. It’s not possible. That’s totally spray-on chest hair or glued-on pubes. Bless the bitch who donated their pubes so that Zac could have chest fur.