No, this is not some sort of bizarre High School Musical/A Few Good Men erotic fan-fiction. A little-too-shredded-now-for-twink-porn Zac Efron and petite cultist Tom Cruise appeared on Graham Norton’s show to
butt-plug various projects. While there, Zac showed off some pole-dancing skills as Tom probably stained his secret thong. All I know is, that’s a lot of gay in once place (not that that’s a bad thing).
Graham showed a pic of Zac holding himself sideways on a parking meter, which led to Graham making Zac showing off that trick with a stripper pole. So much subtext! How did Zac react when Tom asked him to show that trick again “on the pole back at my hotel room?” My favorite part of this was Tom’s reaction to the photo. According to People:
When Norton asked Efron if the picture had been photoshopped, fellow exercise enthusiast Cruise said, “No, he’s doing it.”
I’m assuming that People graciously left out “Tom said in a husky voice, while surreptitiously wiping the lust drool off his perpetually smiling face.”
Watch Zac Efron handle his pole for his biggest fan, below.
I don’t know what’s worse: the opening weekend numbers for Baywatch, or all of the “Baywatch belly flopped” jokes that came out of it.
It looks like the bait of Zac Efron’s beefy upper body (or seeing him in Real Housewives of Gold’s Gym drag) wasn’t enough to get people to watch the Baywatch movie. According to Box Office Mojo, its four-day domestic box office gross was less than $23 million. It cost $69 million to make. Baywatch came in at #3 under Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came in at #1 with more than $78 million. So people did want to see a mess in the ocean, just not one starring The Rock and Zac Efron.
Fingers are being pointed at a number of reasons why Baywatch flopped in North America. The Hollywood Reporter says that movie theaters had a really lousy Memorial Day weekend (it was the lowest Memorial Day weekend in nearly two decades). The Rock blames the critics.
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) May 25, 2017
So does Paramount’s president of marketing Megan Colligan. She tells The Hollywood Reporter that Baywatch tested great in screenings, but the critics killed it with their bad reviews. Baywatch currently holds a rating of 19% on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess this officially means Baywatch Nights is no longer the most embarrassing Baywatch? Congratulations, Baywatch Nights!
Here’s the cast working hard for those overseas dollars at the Berlin premiere of Baywatch in Berlin today.
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
The newest trailer for Baywatch is out, and it’s more bro-tastic than two muscle dudes in dropped armhole tank tops chest-bumping after a workout in a gym blasting a remix of an LMFAO song by DJ Pauly D. (Yes, that image did things to me and made my nipples shoot out a stream of Monster and vodka.)
The new trailer’s got The Rock blowing shit up, a topless Zac Efron, The Rock lifting heavy things, a topless Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra being evil, a topless Zac Efron, one of Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s exes trying to act, and Zac Efron serving Real RoidWives of Muscle Beach by doing drag.
Jennifer Lopez better get in as many Instagram photo-ops with A-Rod while she still can. Because as soon as A-Rod sees this trailer, he’s going to bust a nut so strong and powerful that it’ll put a hole in her ceiling. And afterward, A-Rod will dump JLo and skip off to find the muscled-up dream girl in the Baywatch trailer.
Yeah, get out of there, shirt! Go find some self-conscious shark with manboobs who needs you. Zac Efron and his ripped Wrestling Champions body don’t need you.
Based on the pictures taken on the Baywatch movie set last March, it looked like Zac would spend the entire movie shirtless. The trailer, which was released today, has determined that was a lie. Zac wears a shirt, he wears a leather jacket. The Rock, on the other hand, is only in a couple shirts. That might not be intentional. Paramount clearly blew all their budget on the amazing green screen effects at the 0:20 and 1:37 marks, which means they probably didn’t have a whole lot of money left over for The Rock’s custom-made shirts in size-PM (python arms). Regardless of the shirt situation, this trailer makes Baywatch the movie look almost as cheesy as Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, ergo I’m kind of into it.
The Rock plays Mitch Buchannon, one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s former girlfriends (Kelly Rohrbach) plays a less silicone-y CJ Parker, Priyanka Chopra makes a quick 0.6-second appearance as someone who never hit the gym once during filming. And Zac plays a douchey gold medal-winning brah swimmer with Sun-In streaks who loves to party. Technically he plays Matt Brody, but that’s not exactly the Matt Brody I remember from the Baywatch TV series. Hmmm…I wonder who this new Matt Brody could be based on? I guess we’ll only know for sure if Paramount releases a second trailer showing The Rock catching Zac’s character pissing on the walls of the lifeguard station bathroom.
I like to think the look on Zac Efron’s face above is the same look he gave when FedEx dropped off his Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend welcome package. “Is that a tank top in there? Oh crap, what have I gotten myself into.”
Taylor Swift has been without a boyfriend for all of nine days, but the recovery time from PR relationships must be pretty quick, because she reportedly has eyes on her next victim.