Yeah, get out of there, shirt! Go find some self-conscious shark with manboobs who needs you. Zac Efron and his ripped Wrestling Champions body don’t need you.
Based on the pictures taken on the Baywatch movie set last March, it looked like Zac would spend the entire movie shirtless. The trailer, which was released today, has determined that was a lie. Zac wears a shirt, he wears a leather jacket. The Rock, on the other hand, is only in a couple shirts. That might not be intentional. Paramount clearly blew all their budget on the amazing green screen effects at the 0:20 and 1:37 marks, which means they probably didn’t have a whole lot of money left over for The Rock’s custom-made shirts in size-PM (python arms). Regardless of the shirt situation, this trailer makes Baywatch the movie look almost as cheesy as Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, ergo I’m kind of into it.
The Rock plays Mitch Buchannon, one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s former girlfriends (Kelly Rohrbach) plays a less silicone-y CJ Parker, Priyanka Chopra makes a quick 0.6-second appearance as someone who never hit the gym once during filming. And Zac plays a douchey gold medal-winning brah swimmer with Sun-In streaks who loves to party. Technically he plays Matt Brody, but that’s not exactly the Matt Brody I remember from the Baywatch TV series. Hmmm…I wonder who this new Matt Brody could be based on? I guess we’ll only know for sure if Paramount releases a second trailer showing The Rock catching Zac’s character pissing on the walls of the lifeguard station bathroom.
I like to think the look on Zac Efron’s face above is the same look he gave when FedEx dropped off his Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend welcome package. “Is that a tank top in there? Oh crap, what have I gotten myself into.”
Taylor Swift has been without a boyfriend for all of nine days, but the recovery time from PR relationships must be pretty quick, because she reportedly has eyes on her next victim.
Based on some very in-depth research (ie. me staring at pictures of his extra-ripped action figure body for ten minutes), I have estimated that Zac Efron’s body is approximately 106% muscle. I know that technically the most muscle a human body could be made up of is 100%, but look at him. He’s clearly storing a whole bunch of extra muscles behind his other muscles. However, don’t think this jacked-up version of Zac Efron will be around forever. There is the possibility that one day you will see a shirtless picture of Zac Efron, and his body will be missing a matching set of bulgy biceps, a pair of plump titties, a washboard upper-crotch area, and whatever those weird muscles are on the side of your body that look like a litter of sleeping puppies.
While walking the red carpet for his latest movie, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, earlier today, Zac Efron confessed to UsWeekly that he’d be willing to say goodbye to his rock-hard body and get heavy for the right role.
“I would love to gain 30 pounds and play an aging rock star. That’d be an awesome transformation.”
Somewhere, Axl Rose heard the words “gain pounds” and “aging rock star” and whispered: “He better not be talking about me.”
I would love to see science figure out a way to make Zac Efron gain weight. I don’t think it’s possible. I’m pretty sure that any calories that go in are instantly burned up the second they attempt to make their way through the Spartan Race that is his abs.
Here are some picture of Zac Efron from the premiere of Mike and Dave with most of his body covered up by a suit. I see he’s still working that Mark McGrath-circa 1997 hair. Also included are some pictures of Adam DeVine riding Zac (not like that), as well as Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick.
Someone call up Michelle Rodriguez with the good news that her favorite lil’ party buddy is single and ready to mingle on the boat circuit with her this summer. Start stocking up on cases of Seagram’s Escapes and Malibu 6 tanning oil now, Michelle!
Earlier today, InTouch noticed that it looked like Zac Efron had removed all traces of his girlfriend of almost two years Sami Miró from his social media life. Gone were any pictures of Sami from Zac’s Instagram account, and he was no longer following her on Twitter. To those who require a Millenial to English translation, Zac basically peeled away the cellophane from the pages of his photo albums, ripped out every picture of Sami, and threw them in the trash along with the tape of saved answering machine messages. UsWeekly and E! News are saying that several sources have confirmed to them that Zac and Sami are no longer together.
As for the reason why, neither Zac or Sami have officially said anything about it. Even those sources didn’t have anything to say besides the fact that they were officially done. But according to InTouch, it might have something to do with a rumor that Sami was getting on a dick that wasn’t Zac’s at Coachella this past weekend.
However, based on those recent-ish shirtless pictures of Zac’s muscles, I’m more inclined to believe that he was the one who is leaving her for another someone else. And that someone else is creatine. My guess is that Zac was trying to balance them both, “The Boy Is Mine“-style, and got busted after whispering Sami’s name while chugging his morning protein shake. And when forced to choose between the two, he’s obviously going to choose his protein. Sorry Sami, you just can’t compete with the bitch who keeps Zac bulked-up like a human climbing wall.
Here’s Zac and Sami arriving at Jimmy Kimmel Live! way way back in January. As much as I want to have something to say about Sami’s lack of pants situation, I can’t, because I’m far too hypnotized by those gorgeous acrylic nail tips.
I don’t know if Zac Efron has ever gotten on his knees for a movie role, but he got on his knees last night to sell his movie. That’s one way to get Tom Cruise to put you in the cast for the next Mission Impossible movie.
Zac and Seth Rogen are currently pimping out Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, and at the MTV Movie Awards over the weekend, they presented a golden dingles award together. During their bit, Seth Rogen came on stage in a muscle suit and joked that the pressure to be a buff funny dude in Hollywood got to him and so he roided-up so much that his hueovs shrunk. Seth’s nuts looking like two saladitos is all Zac Efron’s fault, so he makes the former prettiest princess of Disney get down and ask for forgiveness. Seeing Zac get weepy while on his knees probably made a Skid Row dealer say, “That looks familiar…”
— MTV (@MTV) April 11, 2016
You know, I never thought that Zac Efron was that great of an actor, but when he’s on his knees and speaking straight into another dude’s crotch, the raw emotions seem to pour right out of him. Serious directors, take note! If you’re ever casting another Romeo & Juliet movie, consider Zac Efron and Seth Rogen’s shriveled testicles for the title roles.
The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?
Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.
Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.
And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.