Well, now we know one of the reasons why Tom Cruise is always running isn’t that he’s in a rush to see his kid.
The last time we checked the pulse on Tom Cruise’s relationship with the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, TMZ was saying that Maverick hadn’t seen his kid in almost a year. However, it looks like Tom Cruise can officially start thinking about submitting a new member application to the Deadbeat Daddy Club, because according to the National Enquirer (via Daily Mail), that number is closer to two years.
A source claims that Tom hasn’t been seen in public with Suri in 800 days (basically two years and two months for brains that are still fucked up from turkey and booze to do the math). The source claims there are two reasons for why Tom is pulling an I Don’t Know Her on Suri. One, because he’s busy running around in front of a camera, and two, because he just doesn’t really care now that Suri is no longer the bathroom-crying Scientology princess she once was. I’m sure Leah Remini just sent Suri a text message that said: “Don’t worry, kid, he pretty much did the same thing to me too.”
Tom Cruise doesn’t exactly love it when people call his ass out for being a shit father, so I’m sure the National Enquirer will receive a very bitchy email from Tom about all this on Monday.
The most obvious reason for why Suri Cruise hasn’t been seen on a Saturday Daddy Date with Tom in 800 days is because she and her mother no longer worship at the feet and busted teeth of L. Ron Hubbard. But maybe Tom has been hanging out with her and we just haven’t noticed? Maybe Tom keeps a pair of regular shoes in his car for when he visits with Suri, and without his signature 3-inch lifts, he’s short enough to pass as just another one of Suri’s friends. That’s actually very clever of you, Tommy Girl.
Long gone are the days when Tom Cruise would parade Suri Cruise in front of the paps for a touching father and daughter photo-op. Ever since Katie Holmes grabbed Suri and RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN from those crazy messes, Tommy Girl hasn’t seen his daughter much and TMZ says that it’s been nearly a year since they’ve seen each other’s faces live and in person. TMZ, you in danger, girl. Tommy’s lawyers at The Law Offices of the Lollipop Guild sued the publishers of Life & Style for saying that he abandoned Suri, so he could challenge TMZ to a legal tussle. I’ll hold your fanny pack, Harvey.
TMZ says that Tommy was busy shooting Mission Impossible 5 in London so he wasn’t able to visit Suri for months. But when he got 2 weeks off after shooting, he still didn’t visit his 8-year-old daughter. A source close to Katie Holmes says that nearly 12 months have gone by since Tommy and Suri have spent any time together. Any trick without a brainwashed brain would guess that Tommy is now allergic to Suri and Katie, because those two have been stamped with the “Suppressive Person” label by Scientology. Scientology told TMZ that wasn’t true and that neither Suri nor Katie have been labeled SPs by them. Well, if Scientology says it isn’t true, it must not be true. They are the eptiome of truthery. Please, if they called me a dumb bitch and showed me Dlisted post after Dlisted post, proving my dumbassness, I still wouldn’t believe them.
Even though Tommy hasn’t spent time with Suri, he spent time with his son Connor at a NCAA Women’s Final Four game in Tampa the other night.
I see Katie’s people trying to stir shit up again! Why won’t they leave poor Little Lord Tommy Girl alone? It’s hard being the Prince of Scientology. He has a lot on his shoulders (hundreds of pounds of Thetans, David Miscavige’s legs, etc…). He has to spend his off time searching the land for a new wife to brainwash into giving him another Scientology chosen one since Katie Holmes rudely took his away. Besides, I’m sure he talks to Suri every night through the Spencer’s Gifts cube lamp he bought her.
Earlier this week, both People and UsWeekly were excitedly shouting that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were secretly dating each other after a blurry picture popped up of the two of them holding hands. At the time, Gossip Cop called shenanigans on the whole thing, and now Jamie Foxx would like to make it very clear that he’s not humping on the former Princess of Scientology. When asked yesterday by a pap yesterday how things are with Katie, Jamie answered:
“Oh come on, you guys have been trying to get that to stick for three years. She’s just friends. As a matter of fact, Anthony Zuiker, creator of CSI, he offered us an animation project. We’re working on that. That’s all. But they’ve been trying to do that for, you know, three years.“
If I was Detective Jessica Fletcher (I WISH), I’d say that there are one of two ways to explain Jamie’s answer:
1. He’s not banging Katie Holmes
2. He is banging Katie Holmes, but he’s denying it because he doesn’t want that jealous bitch Tom Cruise to send Scientology’s version of SEAL Team Six after him
Personally, I’m inclined to believe that they’re not fucking. Firstly, because hooking up with the Runaway Bride of Xenu is the definition of a “You in danger, girl” moment. Secondly, we all know Suri Cruise is the one calling the shots, and there’s no way she’d sanction such buffoonery as allowing her mother to date a measly millionaire. “Mother, please – if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1000 times; we’re trying to stick to 1st tier members of established royal families or trillionaires.”
Here’s Jamie during his impromptu press conference with the paps yesterday:
It’s been well over a year since all of us gossiping bitches whispered in the corner of the high school cafeteria, “I see that Katie Holmes trick is coming for Taylor Swift’s title as the prolific queen of beards,” when it was rumored that Scientology escapee Katie Holmes is motorboating Jamie Foxx’s luscious tits. That rumor sort of went away until yesterday when People said that they’re still a thing, but they’re keeping it really casual. And today, UsWeekly fisted some more life into that rumor by publishing a picture of Katie and Jamie holding hands somewhere last month. FoxHole is alive and dripping with love.
TMZ delivered some truly devastating news this morning that has rocked the playground social scene of NYC. The grand dame of the Manhattan prep school scene has been tragically forced to give up her throne and move all the way to California. The private school girls of Manhattan are so lost today and they don’t know what to do. Is this season about wearing red quilted Chanel ballet flats with their school uniform or are they supposed to wear navy patent leather Louis Vuitton Mary Jane kitten heels with their school uniform? How can they go on without their queen to guide them? And of course, this is all Katie Holmes’ fault.
According to TMZ, Katie has pulled Suri Cruise out of NYC and has moved them both to L.A. Expect Suri’s Burn Book to have a lot more “like, yeahs” in it, because Katie bought a 6,000 square foot house in Calabasas, CA for almost $4 million. Katie wanted to keep the whole thing on the hush (read: she didn’t want those crazy whores at Scientology to find out) so she made everyone involved in the purchase of the house sign a confidentiality agreement and they agreed to pay $1 million if they violated that shit. Katie moved her and Suri back to CA, because she wants to get better movie roles and thinks she needs to be near Hollywood to do so. Katie also thinks that Calabasas is a good place to raise Suri.
Sometimes when Katie “thinks,” bad things happen (see: signing up for Jack and Jill and moving Suri to Calabasas). I mean, Calabasas is the home turf of the Kartrashians! Do they even have an appointment-only Lanvin Kids boutique in L.A.? Someone should go ahead and file a child abuse claim with the county before things go too far and what I mean by that is before Suri is forced to go to Dash to shop for a dress for her school’s 3rd grade winter ball. Wait, do private schools in Calabasas even have 3rd grade winter balls? What have you done Katie? What you have done???
Well, it could’ve been worse. Suri could’ve been forced to live with Tommy Girl.
Speaking of, here’s TG and his brown Ellen DeGeneres hair ruling the set of Mission Impossible 5 in Vienna, Austria yesterday.
Or maybe Katie Holmes is reminiscing about her contract marriage by showing her friend this picture.
It’s another New Year’s where Katie Holmes can freely do whatever she wants and isn’t contractually obligated to sip sparkling barley water with basic bland Kelly Preston while John Travolta, Tommy Girl and David Miscarriage are on the lanai outside the Scientology bath house giggling and gaggling as hired hustlers light the sparklers stuck in their b-holes. Katie and Suri Cruise are spending their New Year’s in Miami, because Suri heard that the Roger Vivier store at Bal Harbour is TO DIE and she needs a few pairs of stiletto pumps for spring.
And now that I’ve gotten a good look at Katie’s peen head belly button, it’s really clear as to why Tommy Girl married her. But I don’t know want to know the places that belly button has been….