No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Now let’s go all the way back to 2008 when Sienna Miller was inducted into the Famous Homewreckers Hall of Fame after getting with actor and Getty heir Balthazar Getty. Back then a single Sienna hooked up with Balthazar who was very married at the time to the mother of his four kids Rosetta Getty. Eventually Sienna and Balthazar called their affair off, and he went crawling back to Rosetta.
Some would think that leaving his wife and four kids – FOUR KIDS – so that he could bang Factory Girl on a series of expensive boats would be enough for Rosetta to leave her dead marriage in the morgue, but the opposite happened. She took him back two years later.
Balthazar – who is now a DJ, apparently – recently spoke to the Evening Standard (via Daily Mail) about The Sienna Years. Balthazar considers what happened with Sienna seven years ago to be “ancient history” and he doesn’t like to talk about it anymore. What he would like to talk about is how Sienna’s cooch should seriously consider getting certified as a couples counselor, because his marriage to Rosetta is “stronger” than before. Balthazar also released this nugget of cheater enlightenment:
“Without going down, you can’t rise again.”
Poor Sienna. “Going down?” What did she do to deserve such barely-subtle shade? Oh, right. But like Balthazar is one to talk: rising and going down on someone other than Rosetta was what got him in trouble in the first place.
Here’s Balthazar looking like a barber from The Matrix with his wife at a charity event last month.
Somewhere in an underground bunker, the lead Hiddlestoner just hit the emergency alert button and triggered all the other Hiddlestoners to collapse onto their favorite Loki fleece snuggle blanket in a horny ball of bliss while screaming “I STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!!!”
Eleven months ago, Tom Hiddleston was rumored to be working his blue-eyed British dreamboat game on Elizabeth Olsen. It was a mysterious maybe-relationship filled with denials and decoys and clandestine taxi rides. Six months later, word started going around that Elizabeth Olsen was far too busy to be doing Tom on the regular, and dumped him. But of course, since Tom and Elizabeth were ~so secret~ and sneaky with their relationship, there was a chance the breakup was just a lie meant to throw the Hiddlestans off the scent. Well, New York magazine decided to get to the bottom of it.
Once New York got all their questions about I Saw the Light and The Night Manager (aka the miniseries where you see his ass) and High-Rise (aka the movie where he gets naked on a patio lounger) out of the way, they asked him about his relationship with the third Olsen sister. Not surprisingly, Tom played a little coy.
“Some things have to remain sacred. You could write that I’m single. There’s no ring on this finger.”
Single? No ring on it? How very Beyonce of you Tom. Actually, no – scratch that. I don’t want to get sued. Really though, I love how indirect Tom is. He could teach a class at the Lionel Hutz School of “The Truth“. Is he still boning Elizabeth Olsen? Maybe, maybe not. You could write that he is. You could also write that he’s single. Tom Hiddleston is that teacher who replies “I don’t know, can you?” when you’d ask if you could go to the bathroom.
Here’s more of Tumblr’s maybe-single favorite boy at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of High-Rise last night. Also included is Sienna Miller. I didn’t hear any stories about taken man-poaching expert Sienna Miller trying to get with Tom 0.3 second after they walked off the red carpet, so maybe he really is single.
The craziest members of the Hiddlestoners have been accused of doing some insane shit like jumping on him at events, nearly trampling each other to get an autograph from him, following him home and on and on and on and on… (“Eh, is that all?” said a Cumberbitch before breaking into B. Cums’ bedroom to rub their bare crotch on all of his unworn underwear.) Tom Hiddleston has said before that he’s sick of being asked to take selfies and some of his fans can get obsessive by telling him that he’s solely responsible for certain things that have happened to them in their lives. In other words, some are insane. During an interview with The Guardian to promote Crimson Peak, Tom was asked about his over-obsessed fans and he said these words of polite diplomatic poetry about the whole situation:
“[It’s] an odd experience. But I won’t be the first person to have thought that. I’m only in control of my own integrity. I’m accountable for everything I’ve done and I understand that. Everything else is out of my control.”
That’s either a polite way of saying, “Get some integrity too, you crazy bitches!” or it’s a polite way of letting everyone know that he carries pepper spray and always has a stack of restraining orders in his jacket pocket.
Tumblr’s favorite fap material continued to talk about integrity when he was asked about his public persona:
“I have tried with all my power for there not to be any inauthenticity. There is no version of me presented to you that’s been created or is artificial. The people I’ve always respected have an integrity that is unassailable.”
And he’s so careful about his public persona that he’s not going to talk about politics (take note, rest of Hollywood).
“I’m not in the business of being politically divisive. I don’t want to set a precedent. It’s a private matter. I believe in kindness. I believe very profoundly in that. I believe in bravery and courage, in being true to your word … Very unfashionable.”
The Guardian’s interviewer said that Tom was very careful with his words, because he knows the game and knows that there’s a chance his quotes can be taken out of context. I feel that, because in this interview, he sounded like a cross between Jesus and the hero in a Disney movie. I don’t know whether I want to lay at his Jesus sandals and listen to him talk about “integrity” or help him put his dragon-fighting armor on as he gives a speech about “bravery.” Oh God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m turning into a fucking Hiddlestoner.
And here’s Tom at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of High Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller who is wearing something that Marcia Brady would wear if she joined a cult in the 70s.
With just a few words, Tom Hiddleston has guaranteed that his movie Crimson Peak will make at least $500 million in its opening weekend, because his horny fans will pay to see multiple showings so they can experience multiple genital squirts while seeing his blown-up ass cheeks on an IMAX (more like clIMAX) screen. While promoting Crimson Peak during an interview with E!, Tom said that his porcelain peaks make an appearance in the movie, because lady nipples show up in movies all the time and he feels like it’s time to balance it out with more man parts.
“It’s so often in movies that women are more naked than men and that’s unfair. We wanted to sort of redress the balance. I didn’t have a problem with the nakedness because I felt that there’s always been a strain of sexuality in Gothic romance as much as there has been the fear of death and the threat of violence. It’s a very violent film and I felt like we needed to balance that. So if we’re going to bring up the violence we needed to bring up the sense of sexuality.”
I’m with Tom and I’m all for his “More Naked Dudes” movement, but just showing his ass isn’t going to balance things. Millions of movies have servings of man ass in it. I’ll just name a few (just a few): Showgirls, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, Shame, Troy, The Terminator, American Gigolo, Demolition Man, Love and Other Drugs, American Psycho, In The Cut, Friends with Benefits, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Full Monty, Die Hard 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Lethal Weapon, Blue Velvet and Starship Troopers.
And that’s just what’s in my head. That’s not even 1/4th of what’s in the file folder on my desktop titled “Man Ass In Movies.” So if Tom really wants to be at the forefront of equality, he needs to show his rock hard peen under bright lights and in front of a 3D camera. Do it, Tom! Do it for feminism!
And here’s Tom with Luke Evans and a lubed-up Sienna Miller at the premiere and photo call for his other new movie High Rise at the San Sebastian International Film Festival in Spain.
If you dropped acid before reading Dlisted today (which I always recommend doing), you probably read that headline and then got the image of a doctor cutting Sienna Miller out of a giant black mass on Johnny Depp’s body.
Thanks to Sienna Miller (and the fake baby), American Sniper and Foxcatcher got a lot of Oscar nominations, and well, Black Mass was getting award season buzz (Side note: A huge chunk of me dies every time I type “award season buzz”) until now. The director of Black Mass dun goofed, because he cut Oscar lucky charm Sienna Miller from the movie.