Here we go again, Goopy Paltrow is talking about puss, but this time she’s talking about the brilliant sea aliens who are master escape artists. Goopy and Team Goop were having a conversation on Slack about L.A. restaurants when someone recommended the BBQ octopus at a place in Silver Lake. Goopy piped in and said that she’s done with eating octopus because they’re way too smart for humans to eat.
There’s article after article on the internet that claims Theresa Caputo, The Long Con Medium, I mean, The Long Island Medium is a shameless charlatan who is carrying on the late Sylvia Browne’s legacy by taking advantage of vulnerable and grieving sadlings. The Long Island Medium now has news for the non-believers. Science has proven that she has a gift, and no, that gift isn’t conning people while pretending to speak to the ghost of their loved one (aka her assistant spouting out info they found through Google while wearing a white sheet over their body).
You may have already checked the fuck out of this post after reading “Miley Cyrus Has Serious Thoughts.” You’re smart in wanting to preserve your remaining brain cells.
During an interview with Variety, Miley Cyrus was asked why she thinks gender inequality in Hollywood still exists, and her answer led to her brain burping up a little rant the name Supergirl. SPOILER ALERT: Miley doesn’t like it.
It’s once again time to curl up at Uncle Tim Gunn’s feet and hang on to every bright shiny jewel of truth that comes out of his mouth. Uncle Tim has already made it clear that when it comes to fashion, Kanye West has the creativity of the prisoners sewing panties on Orange is the New Black (no offense to the prisoners sewing panties on Orange is the New Black). And while talking to Access Hollywood, Uncle Tim once again released a stream of beautiful cuntiness about Kanye’s latest collection of rejected American Apparel designs:
“I’m totally perplexed about why the fashion industry has not looked at these, frankly, dumb, basic clothes and cried ‘Hoax.’ Kanye West is a sphinx without a riddle. I just don’t understand why people are so in awe. [The models were] basically wearing stretch undergarments. I think the only thing dumber than these clothes would be the people who would buy these clothes.”
And that ends another sermon from Pastor Tim Gunn of the Church of Truth! I won’t splash myself with holy water on the way out, because Tim Gunn will need a ton of holy water to hose down those evil Kartrashians when they come at him.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
The last time I wrote about the human estrella wrapped in grace and charisma was over 4 years ago when he was laid up in a hospital in Cleveland, OH with cardiac problems. A 50,000 person deep prayer circle was formed because none of us wanted to live in a world without Puerto Rican astrologer and glamour icon Walter Mercado in it. The star baby of Galileo and a Spectra doll wasn’t as worried as we were, because he read his future in the stars and knew that he would live and go on to tell everyone what would happen if the orange tonsil stone from the Celebrity Apprentice became the President of the United States in 2016.
Walter created an astrological chart to see what the future would look like if “President Donald Trump” becomes a real thing that exists. It feels like the world is already self-destructing, but according to the future-seeing Puerto Rican blossom, the world will really eat shit if Trump becomes president. Walter gave his findings to People en Español in Spanish, and The Miami Herald translated his words into English:
“I did a chart about what I see in the future and the present of this monster, this backwards person that can lead not only the United States, but the world, to total destruction. He has no knowledge of politics and no knowledge of any type of diplomacy. He is a person that thinks money can buy anything and thinks that you can buy the conscience of all of humanity. The conscience cannot be bought with these policies that are so insulting and offensive to the human race.
I am totally, completely and absolutely in favor of Hillary, and astrologically, she is the better prospect. God willing, the stars will align so that we will have the right president.”
In related news, I’m watching CNN right now and Anderson Cooper just announced that the Democratic National Convention has been canceled and all of the speakers have been sent home. Because now that Walter Mercado has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, nothing else needs to be said!
Seen above on the cover of Red looking like a morph of Amal Clooney and Jessica Alba, Salma Hayek tells the magazine that she doesn’t hump gold coins out of her billionaire husband’s peen slit on the nightly, because if they did, fucking wouldn’t be so good after a while. So I guess “Not tonight dear, it’ll ruin the spark” is the new “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Salma said that marriage is not all about sex. What is the point of being married then?!
“Sex is not the key to a happy marriage, but it’s a side effect. Although not every day! If it’s every day, it loses its charm. It’s so important to maintain your chemistry. You have to continue to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance. A good marriage, full of love, is my biggest accomplishment. Home is where my husband is. He is home. Everything outside of the family nucleus is an adventure that you’re living together.”
First of all, the key to a happy marriage is marrying a billionaire. Second of all, I’d completely agree with Salma about having to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance if you add “while fucking” to the end of each of those things.