Category: Walter Mercado
Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For The Movie Of The Century!!!
Toward the end of 2019, the Earth was depleted of a major source of glamour, charisma, sparkle, and celestial insight when human estrella diamond Walter Mercado returned to his homeland of the galaxy. Walter probably read the stars then and the stars said, “Girl, get the fuck outta there, shit is about to get shittier!” When Walter Mercado’s otherworldly spirit left his gorgeous mortal coil, things went beyond downhill on this planet. Coincidence? I think not! But the universe has thrown us an uplifting gift in the form of a Netflix documentary on the rhinestone-encrusted Puerto Rican astrology wonder.
Walter Mercado Is Now A Bright Shining Star In The Universe
If you look up at the sky tonight and notice a particularly bright star that is shining something extravagant and causing you to pucker yourself raw, that’s the gloriously spectacular icon Walter Mercado who has returned to his homeland of the universe above us to continue to sparkle like he did on this planet. Earth is now much, much less brighter and opulent, because universal treasure Walter Mercado is no longer here. He was 87.
Open Post: Hosted By A Human Estrella In Space
It’s official. The accounting department at Columbia Pictures can go ahead and declare Passengers a flop and write it off as a loss. If the dried turd reviews don’t cause it to tank this week, this Doritos commercial will. Why bother paying money to see Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt on a spaceship when for the bargain price of zero dollars, you can take in Puerto Rican celestial god Walter Mercado delivering real star power on a spaceship in a commercial that’s only 30 magical seconds long?
The ageless cosmic wonder stars in a Doritos commercial, which starts with him eyeing a ravishing gold lamé space suit in a costume shop. After he puts a Dorito between his perfectly-lined lips, he goes on a journey to your Uranus. I’ll wait here as your anus stops puckering. That journey ends with a different astronaut taking over his gorgeous suit before he becomes an opulent constellation for youngins’ to kiss under.
I think that commercial is Doritos’ way of telling us that they’ve added LSD to their list of ingredients.
And since a post can never have too much Walter Mercado in it, here’s pictures from a few months ago of him greeting his loyal subjects in butch business drag at the LMM International Airport in Carolina, Puerto Rico.
Pics: Splash
QOTD: Walter Mercado Predicts A World Where Donald Trump Is POTUS
The last time I wrote about the human estrella wrapped in grace and charisma was over 4 years ago when he was laid up in a hospital in Cleveland, OH with cardiac problems. A 50,000 person deep prayer circle was formed because none of us wanted to live in a world without Puerto Rican astrologer and glamour icon Walter Mercado in it. The star baby of Galileo and a Spectra doll wasn’t as worried as we were, because he read his future in the stars and knew that he would live and go on to tell everyone what would happen if the orange tonsil stone from the Celebrity Apprentice became the President of the United States in 2016.
Walter created an astrological chart to see what the future would look like if “President Donald Trump” becomes a real thing that exists. It feels like the world is already self-destructing, but according to the future-seeing Puerto Rican blossom, the world will really eat shit if Trump becomes president. Walter gave his findings to People en Español in Spanish, and The Miami Herald translated his words into English:
“I did a chart about what I see in the future and the present of this monster, this backwards person that can lead not only the United States, but the world, to total destruction. He has no knowledge of politics and no knowledge of any type of diplomacy. He is a person that thinks money can buy anything and thinks that you can buy the conscience of all of humanity. The conscience cannot be bought with these policies that are so insulting and offensive to the human race.
I am totally, completely and absolutely in favor of Hillary, and astrologically, she is the better prospect. God willing, the stars will align so that we will have the right president.”
In related news, I’m watching CNN right now and Anderson Cooper just announced that the Democratic National Convention has been canceled and all of the speakers have been sent home. Because now that Walter Mercado has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, nothing else needs to be said!
Pic: Facebook
Prayer Circle For Walter Mercado
That soft wailing followed by the sound of rosary beads clinging together that’s coming from your second bedroom is an abuelita praying to Guadalupe to keep human star Walter Mercado (constellation name: Shanti Ananda) here on earth. Even if you don’t have a wailing abuelita, or a second bedroom, you do now, because the situation is that serious.
The beloved creature who came to the planet on a shooting star after the universe decided we really needed a Puerto Rican Liberace was hospitalized in San Juan with complications from pneumonia after he collapsed. Walter, who is what Carolina Herrera hopes she sees when she looks in the mirror, is currently being transferred to a hospital in Cleveland that specializes in heart disease. That wailing abuelita probably just turned into a full blown bawling abuelita.
A rep for Walter told The Miami Herald that he’s getting a little better, but they are moving him to another hospital since his blood pressure keeps going up and down. Walter’s niece said that he’s in a good mood and wishes everyone blessings in 2012.
Walter’s eyes are crystal balls, so I hope he doesn’t see the image of the heavens taking him anytime soon. If that happens, Telemundo’s headquarters will sink into the core, the stars will fall from the sky and every abuelita will get a black veil permanently attached to her face. Walter must live for the sake of raw silk-covered glamour and that hospital in Ohio must hang a rhinestone chandelier in his room, because how is he going to heal without his daily dose of vitamin sparkle?
(Thanks Ron!)