Before fallen butter queen Paula Deen was kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, she made retinas shrivel up one last time when she recreated Madonna’s 1990 MTV VMAs performance of “Vogue.” Whoever came up with this idea obviously hates humanity in a major way, because nobody asked for this and nobody wanted it.
Vogueing was created by the black and latin gay men and transgender women of the Harlem ballroom scene and now here’s Paula Deen of all messes trying to do it while done up in Marie AnTWATnette drag. I say “trying,” because that’s not Vogueing at all. She looks more like a mummy on Ambien doing the Macarena. You’d think that Paula was performing it in the middle of an NAACP meeting, because she was the opposite of comfortable. This definitely made Madge roll in her coffin this morning. Yes, she was in a coffin. She’s a vampire! Where else is she supposed to sleep?
My thoughts go out to the two boy dancers who got a face full of Paula Deen’s butterball bosoms. Right after this performance, their faces jumped off of their heads and are now running all over Los Angeles while looking for a pool of bleach to soak in.
A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.
At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):
And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.
If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”
Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.
The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!
Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties) is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani
I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:
And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
When you’re trying to rebuild the butter kingdom that crumbled due to the racist dingles that spewed out of your deep fried pie hole, it’s probably not the best idea to tweet a picture of your son in brownface. But since Paula Deen’s brains are made of burned grease and rancid butter mold spores, she (or someone who handles her Twitter account) tweeted a throwback picture of her as Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo (looking more like a deranged Memaw Annie) and her son Bobby Deen as Ricky Ricardo. It was quickly snatched down, but not before people took screen shots of it and passed it around everywhere. Yahoo! Celebrity says that the picture is actually from an old episode of Paula’s now dead Food Network show.
For the record, the photo itself is not a new one: it’s actually from the 2011 Halloween episode of her Food Network show, Paula’s Best Dishes.
There’s a few things confusing about that picture:
1: What in the hell kind of GD Ricky Ricardo costume is that? Desi Arnaz was never that dark and he never had a Vanilla Ice circa 2015 hairline. Bobby Deen looks more like a suburban dad in a lazy Jersey Shore costume.
2. Why would Paula Deen bring this picture out again? Hasn’t Lucille Ball been through enough?
3. Did that picture ever make the cover of Oedipus Complex Weekly? I mean, a mother and son dressed up like husband and wife. That said, I bet they were the belles of the Motherboy ball.
UPDATE: Paula Deen says that her “social media manager” is to blame and she fired them.
via Page Six
Pat yourself on the taint and collect your winnings if you guessed “3 months TOPS” in the “How long before Preserve.us completely fists itself in the ass without lube?” office pool. In Preserve’s defense, it took Dlisted 2 days to do that.
On Monday, Gawker called out Blake NotSoLively and her answer to GOOP, Preserve.us, for their tone-deaf fashion spread titled “Allure of Antebellum.” No, the spread wasn’t filled with a rich plantation owner’s wife in a hoop skirt and wide-brimmed hat sipping sweet tea as her slave fanned her. The spread featured pictures of a Blake look-alike in crap clothes you could buy from Talbots. The pictures are pretty harmless by themselves (except for those overpriced ass clothes), but Gawker called them out for romanticizing the Antebellum South and calling it a time of “beauty and grace” while leaving out all that slavery stuff. Basically, in Blake’s mind that era was just like Gone with the Wind. And with that, Paula Deen totally wants to get naked, lube Blake’s mind up with butter and make sweet, sweet love to it.
I should’ve warned you in my headline and I hope it’s not too late, but do not stare directly at the maniacal double twinkle in Paula Deen’s eyes or your soul will emulsify and spend the rest of eternity stuck in her arteries.
After Paula Deen’s Kingdom of Butter crumbled, melted and dripped down into the gutter last year when all that racist stuff she did and said came out, she took her Country Crock tears to Today and delivered a melodramatic, theatrical performance where she cried as though she was auditioning for a novella and painted herself as the martyr of all martyrs. I expected Paula to stick herself to a cross made of mantequilla and sing “The Crucifixion” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, the second leg (or is it the third?) of Paula’s national apology tour started up again this morning on Today.
It feels like it was just yesterday when Paula Deen’s deep fried butter kingdom melted into a giant puddle that she snorted up to handle with the pain of losing endorsement deal after endorsement deal. It was actually kind of was yesterday, but Paula has already screamed at Jellyroll to fill that Comeback Train with coal, because she’s ready to choo choo along. Paula has a new company with a $75 million investment, a new restaurant next to Dollywood in Tennessee and she spilled her lard-filled heart to People (via The Wrap) about how she’s ready to come back and doesn’t want to be seen as an N-word hurling mess who longs for glory days of slavery.
Paula said that she knows how “that black football player” (uh, she’s talking about Michael Sam) feels, because he just wants to be known as a football player instead of a “gay” football player and she just wants to be known as a humanized artery clog instead of a “disgraced” humanized artery clog. Hold on, because Paula’s Comeback Train is coming into the Fuckery Station at full speed:
“I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out. He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying. I’m fighting to get my name back.”
The hell is Paula going on about? The Surgeon General needs to put a label on every box of butter warning people that mainlining that stuff will make you spit out nonsense like that. Yes, comparing her situation to that of a football player coming out and calling him “that black football player” is a really good idea when you’re trying to scrub your reputation. Well, at least she’s didn’t call him, “that queer negro football player,” so progress!
Paula went on to say that she empathizes with Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty:
“It’s amazing that some people are given passes and some people are crucified. I have new empathy for these situations, though. My dad always told me, ‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.'”
The drama. Paula still has ten mountains of money, her cruise sold out, she still has a legion of fans who worship at her buttery hooves and just the other day I was in KMart and some lady picked up a Paula Deen pot and said, “Poor Paula, she got it bad,” before putting that shit in her cart. And to answer the question in your head, yes, that lady in KMart was wearing burnt orange capris and rattan wedge flip-flops. Isn’t that where every Paula Deen fan wears?!
That’s the face of a man who’s been getting some sweet Walmart tail on the sly (EW, I’M SORRY).
There’s nothing Paula Deen can do now to convince us that she’s not a total pile of white trash. If her obsession with putting mayonnaise on everything didn’t do it, her casual use of the n-word definitely did. You could tell me that Paula lets her sons Jamie and Bobby park their rusted-out Dodge Charger on her front lawn, I would not at all be surprised. So I suppose the image of Paula throwing her husband, Michael Groover, out because she caught him chasin’ skirt is the cherry on top of this redneck hillbilly sundae.
The Enquirer published a story yesterday claiming that the marriage between the butter-basted bigot and Redneck Santa is over. Allegedly, Paula confronted Michael about a year-long affair with a “sexy middle-aged brunette” and he “stormed out of the house”. Naturally, sources close to Paula Deen are claiming the story is nothing but a deep fried lie (that sounds delicious, I’ll take 2). ET Online reports that Paula and Michael’s nine-year marriage is still going strong, as a source claims:
“Paula and her husband Michael have never been closer and Michael adores her.”
Oh, who to believe? On one hand, I can’t blame Michael Groover for straying; being married to Paula Deen post-scandal would be a never-ending nightmare. Plus, that ‘sexy middle-aged brunette’ sounds pretty sexy, so can you blame him? On the other hand, I cannot bring myself to imagining Michael Groover getting his greasy Georgia fuck on. Then again, I don’t want to imagine Michael and Paula having sex either. It’s too much. Someone get me one of those Men in Black mind-erase things, I want to forget everything.
And you KNOW Dr. Phil is on the phone right now trying to get these two southern mudbugs to bring their cheatin’ mess to the knock-down drag-out parking lot fight that is The Dr. Phil Show.
(Pic via Wenn)
A few months after her deep fried lard empire crumbled under the weight of the racist foolery that spewed out of her mouth, Paula Deen reunited with her butter-loving subjects at the Metro Cooking & Entertaining show in Houston on Saturday. Since the lawsuit that killed most of her career was settled and dismissed, Paula started her damage control comeback tour and of course her first stop was Texas. The craziest part is that Paula’s disciples gave her a 10-minute standing ovation. TEN MINUTES! Jesus wouldn’t even get a 10-minute standing ovation if he came back again. Yes, let’s all stand for ten fucking minutes for Paula Deen, because she’s so brave. But honestly, Paula is brave for crying in public, because when she cries she looks like a white Jafar inhaling a whole lot of dirty ass. Paula told her fans:
“These are tears of joy, y’all. This is my first time out in three months. … The one place I wanted to make my first step out was in Texas. You are forgiving folks with hearts as big as your state. We all experience pain in some way but pain is also a good thing because it makes you grow.”
And so it begins….
I’m sure she’ll continue her damage control tour by adopting a black child, opening up a chicken and waffles restaurant in Harlem and replacing Miley in Kanye West’s remix of Black Skinhead.
UPDATE: CNN says that there may have been a settlement and Paula may have paid off Lisa, but it’s not clear. So if you see Paula buying generic brand butter at the grocery store, you now know why.
Over a week ago, a judge said that Paula Deen’s former restaurant manager Lisa Jackson couldn’t sue the Baroness of Butter for racial discrimination against black people, because she’s not black. At the time, Paula couldn’t completely scream, “Butter power prevails!“, because the judge didn’t throw out Lisa’s sexual harassment charges against Paula’s brother Bubba (it’s always a fucking Bubba). But now Paula can climb on top of the rubble where her deep fried kingdom of lard used to be and celebrate, because the entire lawsuit has been dismissed.
AP says that Lisa’s lawyers and Paula’s lawyers both agreed to drop the lawsuit in beer batter, fry it up and feed it to Bubba.
Both lawyers said that no money exchanged hands, so Paula didn’t have to cut Jellyroll’s salary to pay off Lisa. There was no settlement and The lawsuit can’t be filed again. A judge still has to sign off on it. Lisa released this statement:
“I assumed that all of my complaints about the workplace environment were getting to Paula Deen, but I learned during this matter that this was not the case. The Paula Deen I have known for more than eight years is a woman of compassion and kindness and will never tolerate discrimination or racism of any kind toward anyone. I now know that the workplace environment issues that I raised are being reviewed and will in the future no longer be at issue.”
In other words, Lisa realized that her entire lawsuit was going to get thrown into the shredder and she didn’t want Paula to countersue the shit out of her, so now she’s playing nice and licking every part of Paula’s ass. Or Paula sent Jellyroll to drop a bag of money on Lisa’s porch to make this all go away and Lisa took it and then released that bullshit statement. Paula released her own statement:
“I am looking forward to getting this behind me, now that the remaining claims have been resolved. During this time my faith has strengthened me and the tremendous outpouring of support as well as prayers from folks from all walks of life has been both humbling and overwhelming.I am confident that those who truly know how I live my life know that I believe in kindness and fairness for everyone.”
In other words, Paula will see that heffa in the whites only section in hell for ruining her life.
And if you gazed into the eyes of that picture when it loaded, you probably didn’t read a word I typed, because Paula Deen’s crazy eyes and crazy teefs hypnotized you and now you’re building a statue of her in your front yard using all the butter. Maybe Paula threatened Lisa by promising to crawl up into her bed every morning and wake her up with that face if she didn’t drop the lawsuit. That’s a face that’ll scare you into the Civil War times. That’s what Paula wants!