I guess Miley Cyrus really is bumping her pink pussy bush against the crotch of Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. The genderqueer who lets her cooze go wherever the wind may take it was on a break from filming her new music video in L.A. when a pap caught her and Stella hugging onto each other. About 6 seconds into the video from TMZ, Miley and Stella both notice the pap taking pictures of them and they step up the girl-on-girl show by making out. (Side note: Stella probably got a good meal out of that thick layer of gunk on Miley’s tongue.) Because Miley has always epitomized demureness, she sticks her hand down Stella’s pants and takes her fingers to Pussy Bang Town. You know that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone sees Michael Douglas staring at her and her girlfriend dancing so she really gives him something to see by kissing on her piece? This video kind of reminds me of a chipmunk version of that.
I’m actually surprised that Miley didn’t pull out an inflatable carrot-shaped dildo and strap it on before boning Stella as a guy in a giant dick costume sprayed them both with glitter. But you know, Miley and Stella are kind of brand new, so I’m sure she’s saving that for at least their third date for the paps. Deep down Miley is old-fashioned when it comes to public displays of affection for attention.
And it’s definitely true love. I’m talking about Miley and the camera of course. I mean, bitch looks at the camera more than her damn girlfriend.
Here’s attention’s bottom bitch Miley Cyrus coming out of a bar in Soho with her other magical mystery whores. She couldn’t get out of that early season Project Runway “Candle in the Wind” challenge gown fast enough. Has anyone seen my bindis, y’all? My t-shirts referencin’ altered states of consciousness? Where are my various denims at?
The New York Daily News sez that the “I’m multi-gendered y’all!” Cyrus is dating Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. They reportedly got together after she broke up with Patrick Schwarzenegger back in March, attending SXSW together and taking their gina bumpin’ on to Vegas afterwards
“They hold hands and hug and are very comfortable together. They’re definitely together,” said our source.
Whoo, and “Turnt” is right. These cats are DONE UP. Turnt #2 just got a visit from the machine elves that work behind the scenes of the universe and she’s living for it. Miley’s bestie Wayne Coyne looks like Manson without the Napoleon complex-inspired murderous racism. I’d totally follow him to a ranch in Death Valley to trip balls around the campfire, secure in the knowledge that Sadie Mae Putz’s Hannah Montana royalties are footing the bill.
She’s got it all. She gets to molest pigs without police interference or documentaries being made about her. She gets a to-go beer for her backpack. The last time I tried to leave a bar with a bottle, it was snatched from my hand and I was informed I wasn’t allowed to return. What pig do I need to molest to be afforded these rights and privileges?
Oh, and that’s totally a down-on-his-luck Marilyn Manson dressed as Meryl and Goldie at the end of Death Becomes Her behind them. Check out more pics of the Miley Family in the gallery below, including some Instagram snaps of her and Stella Maxwell.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
For the first time in what feels like forever, that sentence was typed without sarcasm. She really looks clean! And that’s saying something, considering Miley Cyrus usually looks like a bottle of homemade Mountain Dew after a trailer park gang bang with an empty pizza box, an expired tube of anti-itch cream, and a sock full of gas station weed.
The aspiring genderqueer motivational speaker was at the amfAR Inspiration Gala in NYC last night to collect an Inspiration Award. I’m guessing Miley’s publicist Hollerin’ Hank saw the word “Gala” on her invitation and informed her that means “Y’alls gotta dress fancy-like and take a shower“, because she showed up looking like Tank Girl’s interpretation of Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Which is to say, very classy for Miley Cyrus. There’s not a nipple to be seen. I’m sure Miley’s nipples were very confused by all that fabric covering them; sort of like when you wake up with the covers over your face and start panicking because you think you’ve been buried alive.
Of course, it didn’t stay that way for long. During the auction portion of the Gala, Miley offered to show the crowd that her left boob was bigger than her right in an attempt to increase the bid from $65k to $69k on a series of art pieces she made inspired by Caitlin Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover. Thankfully, someone who respects gag reflexes bid $69k and they sold before she could whip them out.
Here’s more of Miley at the amfAR Inspiration Gala last night with her date, Tyler Ford, as well as the Leo to her Hyde, Wayne Coyne.
Genderqueer hillbilly rodent philosopher Miley Cyrus recently spoke with TIME magazine, and just like my hand in a Costco-sized bag of Doritos, Miley gets deep. Just like her interview with Paper magazine from last week, Miley has lots of thoughts about sex, gender, fucking, identity, and positive life thoughts. I’m not sure if Tish Cyrus ever cheated on Billy Ray in the early 90s with a motivational poster or Stuart Smalley, but it might explain all the good vibes coming out of her brain. Miley just wants you to be happy, y’all!
Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”
Yesterday, Paper spit up the cover image of a sucio creature and a pig looking like something out of Charlotte’s Web: Wilbur’s Dark Years, and if you needed a hypnotist to rid your brain of that image, you better make another appointment with them. Because Paper squirted up more pictures from their Miley Cyrus cover shoot including this one of Alvin, Simon and Theodore’s backwoods third cousin looking like she’s anxiously waiting for Jabba the Hutt and his homies to finish up already. That is some serious Star Wars porn parody ART for your eyes.
That poor pig. I’m sure that when he left the farm all those years ago on a bus headed for the big city in hopes of becoming a pig model, he had no idea that one day he’d end up doing something so degrading as letting Miley Cyrus rub her nasty naked hillbilly bits against his body on the cover of a magazine. No, that’s actually not a poor pig who decided a check is a check. It’s actually Miley’s pet piggie Bubba Sue who decided to join her adopted mama on the cover of Paper magazine’s summer music issue. Fun fact: this marks the second time a giant ham has been on the cover of Paper magazine. The full interview comes out tomorrow, but they released this quote today:
“I was doing a show two nights ago, and I was wearing butterfly nipple pasties and butterfly wings. I’m standing there with my tits out, dressed like a butterfly. How the fuck is that fair? How am I so lucky?”
It’s true; Miley is lucky. There’s a chick who spins fire in the park near my house every Sunday in that exact same outfit, and her audience is limited to a dude with a set of devil sticks and a squirrel.
But back to that cover. Why do I get the feeling this wasn’t even what Paper had planned for the cover. I bet they probably had a giant bin of inflatable joints and a whole rack of gas station skank couture waiting for Miley to wear that they never got a chance to use because she showed up covered in mud with a pig under her arm and demanded to be shot as is. “Hey y’all, let’s git this picture shoot started, cause me and Bubba Sue got a monster truck rally at 3pm. The first 100 people in line get a free autograph on their titties from Count Truckula himself!“
You know that one girl at the party who doesn’t know anyone, gets drunk, gets stoned and then dances by herself in the middle of the room while everybody tries not to die of second-hand embarrassment? That was Miley Cyrus at the VMAs tonight and I enjoyed every cringing moment. It had everything I want out of a VMA performance: zero dignity, zero shame and a whole lot of fuckery and ho shit behavior. Bitch has a negative ass and she still twerked against Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit and bitch looked like a fool, but she kept going. Miley gives no fucks while giving too many fucks. She looked like a bootleg Cynthia Doll high on bath salts and she wore clip-on bangs on the back of her head. This is the performance that keeps on giving. It’s like twerking herpes and it’s beautiful:
I think I sprained my tonsils from laughing so damn hard. No matter what time of day it is, just know that in a corner somewhere, Miley is humping a foam finger while sticking out her lizard tongue.
This is pretty much a natural reaction to that shit:
Shit was a gorgeous train wreck. I know Billy Ray is patting his taint anyway, but he should pat it something extra for creating such an entertaining, shameless mess!
Click here if YouTube takes down Miley’s Ode to Vice Magazine.
Pics: Getty Images
“Hey y’all, you know, I want something vintage-like, like old timey-ish, like real old-fashioned-looking, like something that looks like my great memaw’s favorite show Miami Vice!” is probably what Miley Cyrus told the graphic artists who put together the cover art for her new album
Finger Bangerz. Miley wasn’t even a drunk, mullet-wearing jizz fish in her pappy’s nutsack in the 80s, but that didn’t stop her from making her album cover look like it came out of the 80s. That pink neon sign, that black outfit, that look that says, “You know you want to nibble on this ass“…. Tommy Girl did it better:
Even though Miley’s cover looks like a half-assed clip art project, I still like it. It’s a low-budget mess. If Sharkey’s from California Dreams became a discount strip club, Miley’s cover is what their flyer would look like.
Miley also released a new single last night and it’s already #1 on iTunes:
“Wrecking Ball” sounds like the signature song of a 90s day-shift stripper at a club off the highway where all the bikers go. What I’m saying is, Tish Cyrus loves it!