If Miley Cyrus hosts the MTV VMAs and her tit nub doesn’t pop out at least once, did she really host the MTV VMAs at all?
The least shocking moment of the VMAs happened when Miley’s nipple “accidentally” made a cameo appearance toward the end of the show. And by “accidentally” I mean that she rehearsed that accidental nip slip for 3 hours in a rehearsal studio in the Valley somewhere and in her earpiece, a stage manager was saying, “Standby nip slip… Nip slip go in 3..2…”
Many parents spent their entire night smearing burn cream all over the eyes of the innocent, delicate children whose retinas caught on fire from seeing Miley Cyrus’ devilry nipple. Everybody should’ve seen her tit slip coming, because she’s Miley Cyrus and nearly everything she wore during the show was leading up to that moment. Before going to a commercial break, Miley was backstage changing when she “accidentally” dropped the black curtain for a second and her tit came out to say hi. Gawker has a clip of it and I put the uncensored pic after the cut, because I know some of you dew drops don’t want your pure and virginal eyes tainted by the sight of a chipmunk lady nipple.
A few days ago, a New York Times interview came out where Miley Cyrus basically labeled Nicki Minaj as a “bitch” and schooled her on the right way to talk about race.
A little over a month ago, Nicki wondered why Anaconda wasn’t nominated for Best Video of the Year at the VMAs and went on to tweet that black women influence pop culture in a major way and never get rewarded for it. During Miley’s interview with the New York Times, she said that Nicki made it all about Nicki and didn’t go about it the right way. Well, if you guessed that Nicki and Miley would handle their “beef” at the VMAs with a possibly scripted tussle, stick a gold star on your taint, because you got it right!
Nicki won Best Hip-Hop Video for Anaconda at the MTV VMAs tonight and at the end of her speech, she puffed up her chest, threw cunt eyes over at Miley Cyrus and said, “And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?” Miley, who looked like a Hot Dog on the Stick raver, blurted out some shit about how the media twists things around. If you haven’t already, watch it to see if it’s some STUNT QUEEN shit or not. I’m, of course, scooting over to the STUNT QUEEN side because of Nicki’s little smirk.
Fake or not, I will totally hold Nicki’s Secret Bangs™ if she needs to handle a ho.
UPDATE: Here’s the look Miley made when Nicki came for her:
— kel$ (@kelsproff) August 31, 2015
Maybe Nicki’s rage toward Miley was real? I mean, that is the same face I made when I realized that I just cursed in front of my abuelita.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.
Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus
After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.
In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:
“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”
The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.
And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.
When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…
We’re just a few days away from the heads of One Million Moms popping off as Miley Cyrus uses a pineapple-shaped rhinestone strap-on to butt fuck a purple power bottom unicorn on stage at the MTV VMAs. So to promote her hosting gig, Miley went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night while looking like the LSD baby that Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock pushed out 9 months after having messy, sloppy LSD-fueled sex with a rainbow disco ball light from Spencer’s Gifts.
As soon as Miley sat down, she and Jimmy Kimmel started talking about her chipmunk chest dumplings since they’re always out. In case you didn’t already figure it out after the 1,985,986th time she put her hillbilly chichis on display in public, she’s really comfortable being topless and partly because it makes other people uncomfortable. When Miley met Paul McCartney, she was nervous about meeting him, but was comforted by him being uncomfortable with her tits being out. Sure, when Miley meets someone with her tits out, it’s considered a “cute ice breaker.” But when I meet someone with my pants off, the police are called, my name ends up on a list and I get a cleaning bill because everyone barfed on the floor.
Here’s Miley talking about the tits on her chest, the tit she calls pappy and America’s fear of the nipple:
I’m typing this from my Braille keyboard now, because when she said, “My dad would rather me not have my tits out all the time,” I side-eyed so hard that my eyeballs turned 180 degrees. Please, that gives Billy Ray Cyrus pride and if he had tits like Miley, he too would slap some pasties on ’em and jiggle ’em for Jimmy Kimmel. Why am I giving Billy Ray ideas?
Miley also did a segment where she disguised herself as an Australian reporter and asked people on the street what they think of Miley Cyrus. Click here to see it, but a warning to Australians, her accent may make your ear holes bleed Vegemite. Although, her Australian accent is still better than Quentin Tarantino’s Australian accent in Django Unchained.
And here’s Miley showing up to ABC Studios after committing a criminal act by stealing one of Soleil Moon Frye’s old Punky Brewster outfits.
“OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.
Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!
A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.
“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”
Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.
Hannah Montana made the Cyrus family millions of dollars, turned Miley Cyrus into a STAH and now Billy Ray has enough money to buy a Taco Party Pack for one whenever he damn well pleases. But all of that came at a price, of course. Miley tells Marie Claire (via UsWeekly) that being pimped out by Mickey Mouse at a young age really screwed with her brains and probably gave her body dysmorphia. This is just further proof that Hannah Montana ruined lives!
During a recent interview with Marie Claire (I guess Moonshine Monthly already had a cover story), Miley Cyrus admitted that she’s not here for the real-world equivalent of Claire Brewster or her video for “Bad Blood.” Okay, but to be honest, unless you’re a member of Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie gang, who really is. Well, you know – besides the die-hard Riverdale High fans who always wanted to know what you’d get if Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper had a baby and raised it to be more of a princess than Veronica Lodge. According to Billy Ray’s kid, Taylor’s video is more violent than Hollerin’ Hank’s annual Christmas Day demolition derby and racoon roast. She also thinks it’s wrong to hiss at her for being a perpetually-naked hussy, because her titties never hurt no one.
“I don’t get the violence revenge thing. That’s supposed to be a good example? And I’m a bad role model because I’m running around with my titties out? I’m not sure how titties are worse than guns.”
Sorry Miley, but I’m afraid I must beg to differ. Two months ago I made the mistake of looking at your elderly ghost jizz-covered titties while eating a bowl of poutine, and my gag reflex started backfiring so hard that I almost choked on a cheese curd.
But I do get what she’s saying; we never see what happens after Tay Tay confronts Selena Gomez at the end of “Bad Blood“, and when you think about it, it’s dark as fuck. Like, I’m pretty sure when the video cuts to black, Catastrophe and Arsyn don’t go to Panera and talk out their problems over a chocolate chipper.
Of course, now it’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay swats back at Miley by writing a song called “Hillbully” (the video for which will be about a jealous, unpopular chipmunk).
And here’s more of Miley looking like Edie Sedgwick’s long-lost country cousin for Marie Claire, if you need that sort of visual imagery in your life.
I guess Miley Cyrus really is bumping her pink pussy bush against the crotch of Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. The genderqueer who lets her cooze go wherever the wind may take it was on a break from filming her new music video in L.A. when a pap caught her and Stella hugging onto each other. About 6 seconds into the video from TMZ, Miley and Stella both notice the pap taking pictures of them and they step up the girl-on-girl show by making out. (Side note: Stella probably got a good meal out of that thick layer of gunk on Miley’s tongue.) Because Miley has always epitomized demureness, she sticks her hand down Stella’s pants and takes her fingers to Pussy Bang Town. You know that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone sees Michael Douglas staring at her and her girlfriend dancing so she really gives him something to see by kissing on her piece? This video kind of reminds me of a chipmunk version of that.
I’m actually surprised that Miley didn’t pull out an inflatable carrot-shaped dildo and strap it on before boning Stella as a guy in a giant dick costume sprayed them both with glitter. But you know, Miley and Stella are kind of brand new, so I’m sure she’s saving that for at least their third date for the paps. Deep down Miley is old-fashioned when it comes to public displays of affection for attention.
And it’s definitely true love. I’m talking about Miley and the camera of course. I mean, bitch looks at the camera more than her damn girlfriend.