I don’t know if all the weed Miley Cyrus has smoked has killed the part of her brain that stores the stuff she learned in elementary school, or if it’s because the tutor on the set of Hannah Montana skipped science class all together because she was afraid a person like Miley would be predisposed to turning the classroom into a meth lab. But Miley Cyrus clearly has a problem identifying planets.
Yesterday, the humanized version of a Nevada pull-tab ticket posted a picture of her newest tattoo on Instagram. It’s the one on her arm in the middle of the cat and what appears to be some kind of double-ended alien vibrator. Now, if I asked you to guess what planet was on Miley’s arm, you’d probably guess Saturn. Right? It’s a planet surrounded by a huge ring, so it’s got to be Saturn. Well, according to Miley, it’s Jupiter. Miley captioned the picture “#lilbbjupiter“, and a whole day (and several people in the comments screaming “DID YOU MEAN SATURN?“) later, she still hasn’t changed it.
See, this is one of those times where it’s so obvious that on-set learning can’t duplicate the regular school experience. In my school, we learned about the solar system in the same way we learned pretty much everything: by spending an entire week working on a model! We made a bunch of janky paper mache planets, painted them up all pretty-like, then tied them to a wire coat hanger and proceeded to watch them fall on everyone’s heads because nobody tied the strings tight enough. That the kind of learning that stays with you. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, but I sure as hell can remember that Saturn is the one with all the fancy-ass rings and hurts like hell if you catch it on the face.
E! News says that Miley isn’t technically wrong when she says that the planet on her arm with a ring around it is Jupiter. In 1979, scientists discovered that Jupiter had a few tiny rings of its own. Yeah, I’m calling “Sure, Jan” on that one. That’s like me bragging about having money because I can withdraw $20 from my checking account without it going into overdraft. I mean, I do it, but it doesn’t make it true.
Miley Cyrus has done a pretty good job of making people think she’s engaged to her former fiance Liam Hemsworth. Sources have whisperin’ since last April that that the reformed queen of rodent raunchiness is back to putting her bits on Liam. Then in January she started wearing her old engagement ring on that finger. She even bought the house right beside his. But according to Liam Hemsworth, nobody is fixin’ to get hitched to nobody. So put away your achy breaky bolo tie, Billy Ray; you ain’t walking no critter kin down the aisle just yet.
“I am not engaged, no.”
So either Liam is lying or Miley is lying. Hmmm…would Miley be thirsty enough to fake an engagement for a little extra attention? I could have sworn she put her obvious publicity-sniffin’ days behind her when she ended her relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son.
Miley has never technically admitted that she’s been wearing her purdiest rang what she done got back in 2012 because Liam re-proposed to her. That was just the rumor that was going around. Sure, Miley and Liam were just spotted together at the premiere of The Huntsman: Winter’s War on Monday. But maybe they’re doing the just friends thing because Miley is engaged to someone else? It’s not that crazy, right? Maybe one of the psychedelic backwards-talking weed visions that appears to Miley in the mirror after her 8th bong rip got a little too romantic one night and popped the question. “Of course ah’ll marry you, two-headed rainbow bullfrog! What’s that? You couldn’t get me no ring cause you don’t got no jewelry stores in THC Town? That’s okay, I got an old engagement ring around here somewheres.”
Well shine my boots and shoot a rattlesnake, what do we have here? I never dun seen something so peculiar-like. It looks like a chipmunk. It smells like a raccoon. And it sounds like my uncle, Kissinuncle, after he’s had a little moonshine! Slap me once and call me Susan, its Miley Cyrus! This here girl can do it all. She can stick out her tongue while holding a doobie and play the geetar. And now, she’s going to be the newest judge on The Voice!
Yep, grab your partners and do-si-do because everyone’s favorite normal girl who lives a double life as a pop star – no. Sorry. That’s Hannah Montana. But it is the 10 year anniversary of Hannah Montana, so forgive me for being nostalgic. As I was saying, everyone’s favourite lil’ ol’ country bumpkin meets alien probe finger meets art teacher, Miley Cyrus, is ostensibly replacing Gwen Stefani on the next season of The Voice, its eleventh. I say ostensibly because I like fancy words and because, historically, there’s only ever one female judge on at a time. Miley confirmed her new position via twitter on Friday, tweeting, “It’s true! I am going to be the newest judge on Season 11 of The Voice @NBCTheVoice #thevoice“. (Via E!) It’s also being reported that Alicia Keys will be taking over from Pharrell, so yay for the ladies and a win for fedoras everywhere.
Miley has been rubbing her skunk weed over bits of this current season as a key advisor for team Christina Aguilera. I always stop watching when the auditions are done so I don’t know who’s gonna win but I might start tuning in again. Miley and Xtina sound like they’d be entertaining enough. I’m sure they like to try and impress each other with all the super light girl on girl stuff they may or may not have tried (for attention) during their lives. Hippie shit and questionable outfits aside, Miley can actually sing, so that’s a plus for a show called The Voice. She might not be everyone’s favourite, but we’re lucky here in the US because we get real stars for these shows. In the UK they get Rita Ora (who?) and Paloma Faith (what?) on talent shows. So come on, put on your neon stetson and say yeehaw!
Pic: Miley Cyrus Twitter
Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.
Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.
Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!
You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.
Pic: Miley Cyrus
It’s been two months since the Cuyler family’s long-lost human cousin Miley Cyrus hitched her coochie back up to Liam Hemsworth’s trouser pony. And in the time since, she’s gone harder than a meth head with a handful of Sudafed BOGO coupons to prove that she’s 100% committed to this whole back-with-her-ex thing. She bought the house next door to his. She’s been wearing her old engagement ring. Now a source tells UsWeekly that she’s doing everything in her power to convince him that she’s totally a Stepford Wifey now.
“She has been cooking and cleaning for Liam, waiting on him hand and foot. She wants to make sure she keeps him.”
Though Cyrus’ wild antics drove the pair apart in September 2013, she’s eager to show the Hunger Games star how she’s matured, going as far as ditching her party-loving entourage. “She either doesn’t answer their calls or says she’s not going out. Liam never liked that she got crazy, so Miley’s making big changes. She doesn’t want to screw it up.”
Poor Wayne Coyne. Who will he get random mid-life crisis tattoos with now?
I just pictured a forlorn Miley slowly walking to the end of her driveway with a box of inflatable unicorn dildos, a bag of unopened body slime, and her collection of weed leaf nipple pasties, setting it on the curb, then taking out a pasty and wiping a single tear from her eye. And now I’m sad.
You know, I’m not totally convinced that Miley has reformed her penis-wearing nipple-flashing horny stoner chipmunk ways. I wanna see the receipts. Show me a video of Miley cleaning the kitchen without humping the stove or pouring dirty mop water onto her bare nipples or pretending the handle of a Swiffer Sweeper is a super-long plastic dick. Only then will I believe it.
Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
Someone alert science (just call them up, whatever) and let them know we’ve found a human who is showing reverse signs of chronic dickmatization. It’s a miracle! Back in November, the long-lost fourth member of The Chipettes Selena Gomez was seen in an on-again moment with her forever on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. The Earth was almost knocked off its axis from the amount of “She don’t love herself” GIFs people threw in her direction. But it looks like we can finally stop worrying about Selena’s addiction to Bieber, because she recently admitted to W magazine that she is completely over his shit. “Welcome to the club” said everyone not named Justin Bieber.
Deadline says that Woody Allen has cast the hillbilly chipmunk Miley Cyrus and Elaine May in his new show for Amazon. Woody Allen is also going to star in it. Elaine May is way over the age of 30, so she’s obviously not going to be the pervy turtle’s love interest. That’s probably going to be Miley. This is really good news for the makers of Pepto-Bismol, because hos are going to need to swallow several bottles of that pink stuff to deal with the heaves they’ll get after watching Miley rub her chicken paillard ass cheeks on Woody Allen’s face. I don’t think the world will ever be ready for Miley Cyrus as Woody Allen’s new muse. Here’s a few details about Woody’s new show.
“Allen has set the principal cast for the six half-hour-episode series that will take place in the 1960s, and it is certainly unexpected. Allen, who wrote the scripts and will direct, has set Elaine May and Miley Cyrus to star alongside him. I don’t know a lot more than this, as Allen is shrewd offering information on his projects. It begins shooting in March.”
And Miley has worked with Uncle Terry and now she’s doing shit with Woody Allen. So don’t be too surprised when she announces that she’s starring in Roman Polanski’s new movie and is doing a sandwich line with Subway Jared.
Liam Hemsworth spends a chunk of his morning scrubbing dried chipmunk smegma out of his crotch bush in the shower and that could mean only one thing: He’s really bumping genitals with Miley Cyrus again.
Miley and Liam supposedly became a thing again last month and well, I guess they’re picking up right where they left off, because TMZ has pictures of her moving some of her stuff into his house in Malibu. “Sources” (aka probably Billy Ray Cyrus who wanted extra Taco Party Pack money) say that Miley spent all week moving her crap into Liam’s house. Miley also posted this extremely subtle picture on Instagram of her casually showing off the engagement ring that Liam gave her in 2012.
1. In the pictures at TMZ, Miley and her friends are moving her stuff out of a U-Haul. If Miley is going to call the paps and put this stunt together, she should at least make it believable. Like Miley uses U-Haul to move. We all know that Miley probably pays little people in Oompa Loompa costumes to move her stuff, because she thinks it’s quirky, cute and edgy.
2. Never mind that Miley looks like the oops baby of Paddington Bear and Strawberry Shortcake in that picture, she needs to work on flashing her engagement ring while looking like she’s not trying to flash her engagement ring on purpose. That’s not how it’s done. What she needed to do was tweet a picture of her giving Liam a hand job with the hand that her hitchin’ ring is on. That’s how it’s done. And yes, I only said that because I want to see a picture of Liam’s peen.
Here’s Miley wearing my abuelita’s least favorite house dress in NYC today.
If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.
According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.
It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).
When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.”