On the left is a ginger goddess of posing perfection wearing the finest custom-couture from the House of Saran Wrap and Walgreens, and on the right is some bottom tier trailer chipmunk trying to give us fashion and failing at it.
Phoebe Price started Slutoween off the right way by modeling more elegant and expensive versions of Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA outfits. PP was shot by a world-renowned photographer (or a paparazzo she called, same thing) in one of the most exclusive photo studios in Paris (or her garage, same thing) for French Vogue (or French Guiana Penthouse, again, same thing). Comparing Chicken Cutlets and Miley Cyrus is like comparing a flawless rare diamond worth millions and a raccoon’s kidney stone. You know, that side-by-side picture should be used in mental health evaluations. The psychiatrist should hold up that picture and ask, “Who worked it better?” If the first letter that comes out of the patient’s mouth isn’t a P, they should be dragged off to a padded cell immediately!
Pics: Splash, Getty
Dear Sia, if you walked into your hair room recently and wondered where one of your “Andy Warhol as a Lhasa Apso” wigs went, look at that picture. You have your answer.
In writer Vanessa Grigoriadis’ profile on Nicki Minaj in The New York Times Magazine, you can feel Nicki getting more and more annoyed by the questions that were dropped in her ears. Nicki talked about growing up in an abusive household and how she bounced from one man to the next man and how she didn’t know that famous hos Photoshop their Instagram pictures (uh huh). But Nicki also waved away some of the questions Vanessa asked her and it ended with her hitting the stop button on the interview. But before we get to Nicki ejecting a trick from her sight, let’s get into the Miley Cyrus crap.
Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.
In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.
Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.
Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.
In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:
The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.
Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:
“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”
I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?
Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.
If Miley Cyrus hosts the MTV VMAs and her tit nub doesn’t pop out at least once, did she really host the MTV VMAs at all?
The least shocking moment of the VMAs happened when Miley’s nipple “accidentally” made a cameo appearance toward the end of the show. And by “accidentally” I mean that she rehearsed that accidental nip slip for 3 hours in a rehearsal studio in the Valley somewhere and in her earpiece, a stage manager was saying, “Standby nip slip… Nip slip go in 3..2…”
Many parents spent their entire night smearing burn cream all over the eyes of the innocent, delicate children whose retinas caught on fire from seeing Miley Cyrus’ devilry nipple. Everybody should’ve seen her tit slip coming, because she’s Miley Cyrus and nearly everything she wore during the show was leading up to that moment. Before going to a commercial break, Miley was backstage changing when she “accidentally” dropped the black curtain for a second and her tit came out to say hi. Gawker has a clip of it and I put the uncensored pic after the cut, because I know some of you dew drops don’t want your pure and virginal eyes tainted by the sight of a chipmunk lady nipple.
A few days ago, a New York Times interview came out where Miley Cyrus basically labeled Nicki Minaj as a “bitch” and schooled her on the right way to talk about race.
A little over a month ago, Nicki wondered why Anaconda wasn’t nominated for Best Video of the Year at the VMAs and went on to tweet that black women influence pop culture in a major way and never get rewarded for it. During Miley’s interview with the New York Times, she said that Nicki made it all about Nicki and didn’t go about it the right way. Well, if you guessed that Nicki and Miley would handle their “beef” at the VMAs with a possibly scripted tussle, stick a gold star on your taint, because you got it right!
Nicki won Best Hip-Hop Video for Anaconda at the MTV VMAs tonight and at the end of her speech, she puffed up her chest, threw cunt eyes over at Miley Cyrus and said, “And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?” Miley, who looked like a Hot Dog on the Stick raver, blurted out some shit about how the media twists things around. If you haven’t already, watch it to see if it’s some STUNT QUEEN shit or not. I’m, of course, scooting over to the STUNT QUEEN side because of Nicki’s little smirk.
Fake or not, I will totally hold Nicki’s Secret Bangs™ if she needs to handle a ho.
UPDATE: Here’s the look Miley made when Nicki came for her:
— kel$ (@kelsproff) August 31, 2015
Maybe Nicki’s rage toward Miley was real? I mean, that is the same face I made when I realized that I just cursed in front of my abuelita.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.
Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus
After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.
In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:
“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”
The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.
And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.
When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…