Miley Cyrus released her latest “Ah am so crazy, y’all!” music video earlier today for a song called “Lighter“, which is obviously the first thing she grabbed before making it. When I described it as a Lisa Frank fever dream, I mean it is literally what the Lisa Frank Bear sees when he tries to bring a fever of 104.6 down with an entire bottle of NocheTussin. Or what Miley sees when her regular dealer goes on vacation and she’s forced to buy weed from H. R. Pufnstuf (you know, after he was caught selling weed to Witchiepoo and kicked out of office by the citizens of Living Island).
I will say this: if you put the video on mute, it is sort of soothing. It’s like watching a 90s screen saver. Of course, if you really want the full 90s computer experience, open a new tab with the ICQ sound playing on a loop while repeatedly unplugging your internet connection.
And because it’s not a Miley post without some pictures of her looking like a straight-up mess, here she is performing in Detroit last night.
No, she didn’t sing a duet with her daddy. I went ahead and pixelated that whole picture and not because of her plastic chichis or dinosaur dick strap-on. I pixelated it, because I wanted to protect your eyes from the sight of her exposing the top of her pantyhose. That’s definitely the most offensive and tackiest part of her ensemble.
The cracked out hillbilly chipmunk’s Dead Petz tour left a glittery butt skid mark of fuckery in Chicago last night when Miley Cyrus performed while looking like something that fell out of a Lisa Frank porn. When Miley and The Flaming Lips announced their tour, Wayne Coyne said that she wanted to do the show while everyone, even the audience, was asshole-out naked and covered in milk. Someone on that tour with at least half a working brain cell must have figured out that milk + a bunch of naked high messes = a giant cereal bowl of diseased nightmares.
So instead of doing that, Miley dick slapped us all in the face with ten loads of OHSOEDGY by doing herself up like a slutty pear-shaped baby stripper and whatever the hell she’s supposed to be in the picture above. She looks like a rejected member of Jem and the Holograms who had to pay her bills by working as a dominatrix at a sex club that caters to men who really want to be ass fucked with an alien peen strap-on. Just like that, Tom Cruise wrote the name “Miley Cyrus” next to the number one on the list of possible brides. Miley is also giving me “white acid trip 80s Tina Turner starring in a community theater production of Exit to Eden the Musical.”
This is what happens when a 90s baby really, really wishes they lived through the 80s.
And after seeing this picture of Miley as a giant stick of butter, I’m waiting for them to announce that the entire tour has been cancelled, because she has gone missing.
I’m sure footage from a surveillance camera outside of the theater will show Paula Deen wobbling out of the stage door with a pantyhose-covered foot dangling from her twat.
Candy is the magazine that graced our eyeballs with the piping hot image of Tilda Swinton looking like a flaming ginger phoenix in glamour drag and James Franco looking like a rejected Robert Palmer Girl. And now they’re giving your eyes another serving of Miley Cyrus’ nipples. I usually see my nipples every day when I hang my head down to cry in the shower and I have still seen Miley Cyrus’ tit knobs more than my own.
If you’ve been feeling way too clean today and needed a reason to scrub penicillin powder onto your eyes with a Chore Boy, just picture Terry Richardson jacking off with one hand while NSFW taking pictures of Miley Cyrus sucking off a police baton with the other. As the glory hole cum stain Uncle Terry shot away, the edgy hillbilly chipmunk served up all sorts of poses like the “tasting my pit fur” pose and the “strung out hustler looking for a john” pose and the “self-sucking strap-on” pose. I have a feeling that the strap-on picture is going to be the Cyrus family holiday card this year.
And yeah, I get it, Miley Cyrus is still letting Mickey Mouse know that she’s all grown up and is beyond edgy now and can flash her marmoset cooter anytime she wants, but why drag that poor innocent pussy into this? That cat wants nothing to do with this mess. I’m not sure if that cat’s face says, “Meow meow?” (that’s “Why me?” in catanese) or, “You fucking better not cum on me, Uncle Terry.”
Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.
From The Department Of Yawn: Miley Cyrus And The Flaming Lips Are Going To Do A Show Completely Naked And Covered In “Milk”
If Miley Cyrus did a show fully clothed while sipping warm milk in a mug, that would be shocking, edgy, next level and would be filed under “Miley, As You’ve Never Seen Her!” But Miley is being Miley by doing an entire show where she’s nipples-out naked, The Flaming Lips are nipples-out naked, the entire audience is nipples-out naked, and they’re all covered in some kind of milk-like substance. See, that’s the difference between famous millionaires and us. When we get the idea to throw a naked milk party while tripping on acid, it doesn’t happen. But when famous millionaires get the idea while tripping on acid, they make that mess happen.
Yesterday, Wayne Coyne barfed up the news on Instagram that the least popular Garbage Pail Kid is putting together an entire show where everybody’s naked bodies will be covered in some kind of liquid shit that isn’t leche, but looks like leche. It’ll be shot for Miley’s video for “The Milky Milky Milk.”
Oh fuck..!!! @mileycyrus is planning a show where her, the band ( us ) and the audience are all COMPLETELY naked with milk ( well white stuff that looks like milk) is being being spewed everywhere .. It’s a video ( in the works) for #mileycyrusandherdeadpetz song The Milky Milky Milk…
A bunch of fucked-up sticky people rubbing their naked bodies all over each other… What could go wrong? At the end of the show, that floor is going to look like a giant serving of yeast infection and dead crab chowder and I’m not talking about the kind of crab that sang songs in The Little Mermaid. But really, this is nothing new at all. I mean, a big party where everybody’s naked and covered in a white sticky substance? That probably happens weekly in the Scientology bath house!
On the left is a ginger goddess of posing perfection wearing the finest custom-couture from the House of Saran Wrap and Walgreens, and on the right is some bottom tier trailer chipmunk trying to give us fashion and failing at it.
Phoebe Price started Slutoween off the right way by modeling more elegant and expensive versions of Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA outfits. PP was shot by a world-renowned photographer (or a paparazzo she called, same thing) in one of the most exclusive photo studios in Paris (or her garage, same thing) for French Vogue (or French Guiana Penthouse, again, same thing). Comparing Chicken Cutlets and Miley Cyrus is like comparing a flawless rare diamond worth millions and a raccoon’s kidney stone. You know, that side-by-side picture should be used in mental health evaluations. The psychiatrist should hold up that picture and ask, “Who worked it better?” If the first letter that comes out of the patient’s mouth isn’t a P, they should be dragged off to a padded cell immediately!
Pics: Splash, Getty
Dear Sia, if you walked into your hair room recently and wondered where one of your “Andy Warhol as a Lhasa Apso” wigs went, look at that picture. You have your answer.
In writer Vanessa Grigoriadis’ profile on Nicki Minaj in The New York Times Magazine, you can feel Nicki getting more and more annoyed by the questions that were dropped in her ears. Nicki talked about growing up in an abusive household and how she bounced from one man to the next man and how she didn’t know that famous hos Photoshop their Instagram pictures (uh huh). But Nicki also waved away some of the questions Vanessa asked her and it ended with her hitting the stop button on the interview. But before we get to Nicki ejecting a trick from her sight, let’s get into the Miley Cyrus crap.
Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.
In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.
Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.
Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.
In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:
The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.
Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:
“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”
I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?
Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.