Category: Miley Cyrus

Open Post: Hosted By Miley Cyrus’ Romantic Tattooed Tribute To Her Man

July 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus has gotten so many stupid, tiny tattoos that her body looks like a brown paper bag book cover that was scribbled on by a stoned toddler, and it looks like she kept with that theme with the new tattooed work of art she got inked onto her skin.

Tattoo artiste Dr. Woo posted a picture on his Instagram page of the rebel Chipette showing off a small Vegemite tattoo on her arm. UsWeekly points out that Miley’s promised piece Liam Hemsworth once said in an interview that his favorite snack is Vegemite on toast. That makes sense since he’s Australian and EVERY Australian’s favorite snack food is one of these three things: Vegemite on toast, kangaroo balls on da bah-bee or a Bloomin’ Onion® from the authentic Aussie bistro Outback.

So because Liam’s favorite snack is Vegemite on toast, everyone thinks that Miley’s new tattoo is an homage to him.

If that tattoo is supposed to be a symbol of her love for Liam, I’m really disappointed in her. The Miley Cyrus we all know would get something really romantic and elegant, like a Vegemite tattoo on her pussy bone and it would be spelled “Vagemite.” I thought I knew you, Miley!

Pic: Instagram

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Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Continue Their Re-Romance

July 5, 2016 / Posted by:

As you’re all aware, I’m sure, there’s been whisperin’ goin’ ’round town that that-there little Miley Cyrus is back to knockin’ boots with that-there feller with the strange accent from that far way kangaroo place. Well, I’m not one to gossip, but it sure does look like she and Liam Hemsworth are workin’ on gettin’ the fire back in the chimney because they dun been seen holdin’ together again. Ok, enough of that talk, I’m getting a headache.

Queen of all things discrete and not loud or attention seeking, Miley Cyrus, has been keeping her rekindled romance with Liam on the down-low for a little while now. Back in May they were spotted holding hands in public. A month later the two were spotted holding hands (OMG! IT’S LOVE!) at Soho House in New York. And now the cheeriest chipmunk to ever hit a bong has been spotted with him again at Soho House in LA. Woah, they’re even committing to a place. People says they hung out with pals on Sunday, and Miley was once again seen wearing the 3.5 carat ring he gave her all the way back in the prehistoric time of 2013, when they were first engaged. And that wasn’t the only ohemgeesocute moment of the weekend for Miley. There’s a new Cyrus in town. A beagle named Barbie:

Happy 4th from Barbie!!!! ❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

This appears to be more evidence that Miley is cancelling her membership to Crystals4Coochies.com and wants to be all domestic and shit. Her hair is growing out. She’s wearing outfits that cover the front, sides, and back of her genitals. And her tongue hasn’t tried to escape in what feels like forever. I think the Miley wedding we were all hoping for – an LSD-fueled trip into Beanie Baby hell set to the theme of Hee Haw – isn’t gonna happen. The least we can hope for now is a down-home backyard style with the dogs as ring bearers.

And here’s Miley and Liam chillin’ at Soho House:

Pics: Splash

BREAKING: Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Held Hands Again Last Night

June 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Ever since “sources” started whispering that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were giving their relationship and engagement a second try, both Miley and Liam have kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. At one point, Liam himself straight-up said he wasn’t fixin’ to get hitched to the holler’s most in-heat chipmunk. The only person who was really talking about their wedding was Miley’s daddy Billy Ray Cyrus, but I just assumed that was the mixed-up nonsense rantings of a man who accidentally inhaled too much Bold Hold hair spray while styling that mess on his head.

Miley and Liam did another casual hand-holding pap walk while going into Soho House in NYC last night. I know – how ever would have known that was Miley Cyrus with all those clothes on? But yes, the one in the Canadian business jacket is Miley Cyrus, and the one in Forever 21 Ryan Gosling drag is Liam Hemsworth. Miley also made sure to give the paps a really good shot of her engagement ring, because of course she did. Get that engagement attention, girl!

That “source” who claimed Miley was reforming her grown-up Garbage Pail kid ways and turning herself into June Cleaver for Liam was clearly telling the truth. I mean, look how goddamn demure she is now. Walking? Holding hands? And in such a tasteful tube-top and sassy mall-walking granny pants? The old Miley would have entered Soho House by shooting out of a penis-shaped cannon wearing her interpretation of a wedding gown (aka white lace nipple covers and a rhinestone-studded g-string) with the words “Here cums the bride y’all” painted on her ass cheeks in silver body paint while pretending to jerk off a unity candle.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Someone Clearly Missed The Astronomy Unit In 3rd Grade Science Class

April 27, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know if all the weed Miley Cyrus has smoked has killed the part of her brain that stores the stuff she learned in elementary school, or if it’s because the tutor on the set of Hannah Montana skipped science class all together because she was afraid a person like Miley would be predisposed to turning the classroom into a meth lab. But Miley Cyrus clearly has a problem identifying planets.

Yesterday, the humanized version of a Nevada pull-tab ticket posted a picture of her newest tattoo on Instagram. It’s the one on her arm in the middle of the cat and what appears to be some kind of double-ended alien vibrator. Now, if I asked you to guess what planet was on Miley’s arm, you’d probably guess Saturn. Right? It’s a planet surrounded by a huge ring, so it’s got to be Saturn. Well, according to Miley, it’s Jupiter. Miley captioned the picture “#lilbbjupiter“, and a whole day (and several people in the comments screaming “DID YOU MEAN SATURN?“) later, she still hasn’t changed it.

See, this is one of those times where it’s so obvious that on-set learning can’t duplicate the regular school experience. In my school, we learned about the solar system in the same way we learned pretty much everything: by spending an entire week working on a model! We made a bunch of janky paper mache planets, painted them up all pretty-like, then tied them to a wire coat hanger and proceeded to watch them fall on everyone’s heads because nobody tied the strings tight enough. That the kind of learning that stays with you. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, but I sure as hell can remember that Saturn is the one with all the fancy-ass rings and hurts like hell if you catch it on the face.

E! News says that Miley isn’t technically wrong when she says that the planet on her arm with a ring around it is Jupiter. In 1979, scientists discovered that Jupiter had a few tiny rings of its own. Yeah, I’m calling “Sure, Jan” on that one. That’s like me bragging about having money because I can withdraw $20 from my checking account without it going into overdraft. I mean, I do it, but it doesn’t make it true.

Pic: Instagram

Liam Hemsworth Says He’s Not Engaged To Miley Cyrus Again

April 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus has done a pretty good job of making people think she’s engaged to her former fiance Liam Hemsworth. Sources have whisperin’ since last April that that the reformed queen of rodent raunchiness is back to putting her bits on Liam. Then in January she started wearing her old engagement ring on that finger. She even bought the house right beside his. But according to Liam Hemsworth, nobody is fixin’ to get hitched to nobody. So put away your achy breaky bolo tie, Billy Ray; you ain’t walking no critter kin down the aisle just yet.

Liam recently spoke to Australia’s TV Week (via Entertainment Tonight) about his relationship status, and this is what he had to say about the situation with Miley:

“I am not engaged, no.”

So either Liam is lying or Miley is lying. Hmmm…would Miley be thirsty enough to fake an engagement for a little extra attention? I could have sworn she put her obvious publicity-sniffin’ days behind her when she ended her relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son.

Miley has never technically admitted that she’s been wearing her purdiest rang what she done got back in 2012 because Liam re-proposed to her. That was just the rumor that was going around. Sure, Miley and Liam were just spotted together at the premiere of The Huntsman: Winter’s War on Monday. But maybe they’re doing the just friends thing because Miley is engaged to someone else? It’s not that crazy, right? Maybe one of the psychedelic backwards-talking weed visions that appears to Miley in the mirror after her 8th bong rip got a little too romantic one night and popped the question. “Of course ah’ll marry you, two-headed rainbow bullfrog! What’s that? You couldn’t get me no ring cause you don’t got no jewelry stores in THC Town? That’s okay, I got an old engagement ring around here somewheres.

Pic: Splash

Miley Cyrus Is The Newest Judge On “The Voice”

March 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Well shine my boots and shoot a rattlesnake, what do we have here? I never dun seen something so peculiar-like. It looks like a chipmunk. It smells like a raccoon. And it sounds like my uncle, Kissinuncle, after he’s had a little moonshine! Slap me once and call me Susan, its Miley Cyrus! This here girl can do it all. She can stick out her tongue while holding a doobie and play the geetar. And now, she’s going to be the newest judge on The Voice!

Yep, grab your partners and do-si-do because everyone’s favorite normal girl who lives a double life as a pop star – no. Sorry. That’s Hannah Montana. But it is the 10 year anniversary of Hannah Montana, so forgive me for being nostalgic. As I was saying, everyone’s favourite lil’ ol’ country bumpkin meets alien probe finger meets art teacher, Miley Cyrus, is ostensibly replacing Gwen Stefani on the next season of The Voice, its eleventh. I say ostensibly because I like fancy words and because, historically, there’s only ever one female judge on at a time. Miley confirmed her new position via twitter on Friday, tweeting, “It’s true! I am going to be the newest judge on Season 11 of The Voice “. (Via E!) It’s also being reported that Alicia Keys will be taking over from Pharrell, so yay for the ladies and a win for fedoras everywhere.

Miley has been rubbing her skunk weed over bits of this current season as a key advisor for team Christina Aguilera. I always stop watching when the auditions are done so I don’t know who’s gonna win but I might start tuning in again. Miley and Xtina sound like they’d be entertaining enough. I’m sure they like to try and impress each other with all the super light girl on girl stuff they may or may not have tried (for attention) during their lives. Hippie shit and questionable outfits aside, Miley can actually sing, so that’s a plus for a show called The Voice. She might not be everyone’s favourite, but we’re lucky here in the US because we get real stars for these shows. In the UK they get Rita Ora (who?) and Paloma Faith (what?) on talent shows. So come on, put on your neon stetson and say yeehaw!

Pic: Miley Cyrus Twitter

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Miley Cyrus Has Chimed In With Her Thoughts On Kim Kardashian’s Twitter Fight

March 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.

Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.

You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.

Pic: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus Is Turning Into June Cleaver For Liam Hemsworth

March 4, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s been two months since the Cuyler family’s long-lost human cousin Miley Cyrus hitched her coochie back up to Liam Hemsworth’s trouser pony. And in the time since, she’s gone harder than a meth head with a handful of Sudafed BOGO coupons to prove that she’s 100% committed to this whole back-with-her-ex thing. She bought the house next door to his. She’s been wearing her old engagement ring. Now a source tells UsWeekly that she’s doing everything in her power to convince him that she’s totally a Stepford Wifey now.

“She has been cooking and cleaning for Liam, waiting on him hand and foot. She wants to make sure she keeps him.”

Though Cyrus’ wild antics drove the pair apart in September 2013, she’s eager to show the Hunger Games star how she’s matured, going as far as ditching her party-loving entourage. “She either doesn’t answer their calls or says she’s not going out. Liam never liked that she got crazy, so Miley’s making big changes. She doesn’t want to screw it up.”

Poor Wayne Coyne. Who will he get random mid-life crisis tattoos with now?

I just pictured a forlorn Miley slowly walking to the end of her driveway with a box of inflatable unicorn dildos, a bag of unopened body slime, and her collection of weed leaf nipple pasties, setting it on the curb, then taking out a pasty and wiping a single tear from her eye. And now I’m sad.

You know, I’m not totally convinced that Miley has reformed her penis-wearing nipple-flashing horny stoner chipmunk ways. I wanna see the receipts. Show me a video of Miley cleaning the kitchen without humping the stove or pouring dirty mop water onto her bare nipples or pretending the handle of a Swiffer Sweeper is a super-long plastic dick. Only then will I believe it.

Pic: Splash

Miley Cyrus Bought The House Right Next Door To Liam Hemsworth

February 6, 2016 / Posted by:

Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.

TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.

Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.

Pics: Curbed, Instagram

Selena Gomez Is As Over Her Relationship With Justin Bieber As The Rest Of Us

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone alert science (just call them up, whatever) and let them know we’ve found a human who is showing reverse signs of chronic dickmatization. It’s a miracle! Back in November, the long-lost fourth member of The Chipettes Selena Gomez was seen in an on-again moment with her forever on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. The Earth was almost knocked off its axis from the amount of “She don’t love herself” GIFs people threw in her direction. But it looks like we can finally stop worrying about Selena’s addiction to Bieber, because she recently admitted to W magazine that she is completely over his shit. “Welcome to the club” said everyone not named Justin Bieber.

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