Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
Someone alert science (just call them up, whatever) and let them know we’ve found a human who is showing reverse signs of chronic dickmatization. It’s a miracle! Back in November, the long-lost fourth member of The Chipettes Selena Gomez was seen in an on-again moment with her forever on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. The Earth was almost knocked off its axis from the amount of “She don’t love herself” GIFs people threw in her direction. But it looks like we can finally stop worrying about Selena’s addiction to Bieber, because she recently admitted to W magazine that she is completely over his shit. “Welcome to the club” said everyone not named Justin Bieber.
Deadline says that Woody Allen has cast the hillbilly chipmunk Miley Cyrus and Elaine May in his new show for Amazon. Woody Allen is also going to star in it. Elaine May is way over the age of 30, so she’s obviously not going to be the pervy turtle’s love interest. That’s probably going to be Miley. This is really good news for the makers of Pepto-Bismol, because hos are going to need to swallow several bottles of that pink stuff to deal with the heaves they’ll get after watching Miley rub her chicken paillard ass cheeks on Woody Allen’s face. I don’t think the world will ever be ready for Miley Cyrus as Woody Allen’s new muse. Here’s a few details about Woody’s new show.
“Allen has set the principal cast for the six half-hour-episode series that will take place in the 1960s, and it is certainly unexpected. Allen, who wrote the scripts and will direct, has set Elaine May and Miley Cyrus to star alongside him. I don’t know a lot more than this, as Allen is shrewd offering information on his projects. It begins shooting in March.”
And Miley has worked with Uncle Terry and now she’s doing shit with Woody Allen. So don’t be too surprised when she announces that she’s starring in Roman Polanski’s new movie and is doing a sandwich line with Subway Jared.
Liam Hemsworth spends a chunk of his morning scrubbing dried chipmunk smegma out of his crotch bush in the shower and that could mean only one thing: He’s really bumping genitals with Miley Cyrus again.
Miley and Liam supposedly became a thing again last month and well, I guess they’re picking up right where they left off, because TMZ has pictures of her moving some of her stuff into his house in Malibu. “Sources” (aka probably Billy Ray Cyrus who wanted extra Taco Party Pack money) say that Miley spent all week moving her crap into Liam’s house. Miley also posted this extremely subtle picture on Instagram of her casually showing off the engagement ring that Liam gave her in 2012.
1. In the pictures at TMZ, Miley and her friends are moving her stuff out of a U-Haul. If Miley is going to call the paps and put this stunt together, she should at least make it believable. Like Miley uses U-Haul to move. We all know that Miley probably pays little people in Oompa Loompa costumes to move her stuff, because she thinks it’s quirky, cute and edgy.
2. Never mind that Miley looks like the oops baby of Paddington Bear and Strawberry Shortcake in that picture, she needs to work on flashing her engagement ring while looking like she’s not trying to flash her engagement ring on purpose. That’s not how it’s done. What she needed to do was tweet a picture of her giving Liam a hand job with the hand that her hitchin’ ring is on. That’s how it’s done. And yes, I only said that because I want to see a picture of Liam’s peen.
Here’s Miley wearing my abuelita’s least favorite house dress in NYC today.
If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.
According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.
It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).
When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.”
In case you’re wondering why I chose to cover up Miley Cyrus’ NSFW bits with two Baywatch floaties, it’s because it felt appropriate to visually balance out the plastic on the right with some plastic on the left. I know, what a waste of time – acting like I could ever match the high levels of factory-manufactured synthetic glamour of Pamela Anderson with two pitiful plastic rescue floaties.
Miley Cyrus must have been reminded that there’s only a few more days before Santa Claus comes to town, and that if she wants to wake up Christmas morning and find a shiny new bong and a bottle of Elmer’s stuffed in her stocking, she better do something to ensure a permanent spot on the nice list. So she pulled a Taylor Swift (or at least the vape-smoking Ebike-riding Kmart parking lot version of Taylor Swift) and “Please welcome to the stage“-d international icon of ageless beauty Pamela Anderson at her Dead Petz show in Los Angeles last night.
Pamela Anderson doesn’t need a reason to be on stage any more than a dazzling gemstone needs a reason to be glued onto an exquisite nipple pasty, but Pammy came prepared and used her time on stage to draw attention to the whales. Specifically, saving them. Sadly, Pammy’s homemade Save The Whales sign couldn’t steal the spotlight from her ‘Just woke up on a stranger’s couch’ hair, Sunday morning breakfast-making cotton underwear ensemble, and Klassy Times™ stripper heels. But she tried, and that’s all that matters.
That’s the way you bring attention to a cause! You write your message on your thigh and bust out a Sally O’Malley on Beth Ditto Penguin. “I’m Pamela Anderson, and I like to kick, streeeeetch, and kick. I’m (almost) fifty!”
Here’s more of Pamela showing Miley Cyrus how it’s done (“it” being “prancing around half-naked in your underwear“) last night. Obviously most of these are NSFW, thanks to Miley’s airbrushed clit panties and rubber boobies.
Here’s Miley Cyrus in Paper Magazine looking like the LSD-addicted baby of Gollum and Strawberry Shortcake’s cracked out cousin who got kicked out of Strawberryland for huffing the freon out of everybody’s air conditioning unit. Even though Miley looks and acts like she drinks a shroom and peyote shake for breakfast every morning, she claims that psychedelics have never been inside of her. She dribbled out these words to Paper:
“I was so sober, I painted myself pink to enjoy a slice in my fairy garden. I’ve never tried any psychedelics, but I’m not against it. LOL. The very small people you see in the bottom right frame are actually just shrunken reflections of my inner self.”
On one hand, the hillbilly chipmunk does seem like the kind of poseur mess who pretends like she’s done the lambada with a wolf during an acid trip but hasn’t ever done acid. On the other hand, bitch is lying. We all saw that old TMZ video of a P.U.T. Miley (pre-Uncle Terry Miley) smoking salvia:
But in her defense, doing all those psychedelics probably erased the memory of that TMZ video.
And here’s Miley looking like an acid-induced night terror during her Dead Petz show in Vancouver last night.
Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Miley Cyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like “Okay, that’s enough internet for today” before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window.
It’s been all of three weeks since Princess Skunk Weed of Hillbillia released her last WTF-worthy music video (you know, the one that looked like a 60’s liquid light show busted a messy nut on Miley’s face), and she must have got her hands on some stronger drugs since then, because Billy Ray’s kid has managed to make an even more bonkers video. Miley popped a squat and farted the video for a song called “BB Talk” onto the internet last night, and what came out what a cloud of Muppet Babies meets My Strange Addiction stank. Miley dresses up as a baby and sings about how she was fucking on a dude who kept filling her ears with baby talk, the result of which can only be described as a Galoob Baby Face doll that grew up in the bathroom of a Kum & Go. So basically, Miley Cyrus.
Obviously this isn’t the first time Miley has slipped into a diaper and redefined the words “not right“; Miley has been wearing a big baby suit on stage during her Dead Petz tour. But it is the first time she sat in a high chair and threw huge-ass Cheerios onto the ground while I thought to myself: “Well…I guess we all make some embarrassing choices in our 20s.”
Even though the image of Baby Miley talking about getting her hump on so that she doesn’t have to listen to baby talk is totally going to be the star of my nightmares tonight, I do love that inflatable rubber duck. I know it’s nothing more than an inanimate bag of air with painted-on eyes, but that duck is totally searching for an exit harder than anyone has ever searched for an exit before.
You can always count on Bill Murray’s knitted face in a Christmas sweater to perfectly express your thoughts and feelings about what’s going on.
At last night’s premiere of A Very Murray Christmas in NYC, Miley Cyrus kept it so demure and conservative that I barely recognized her. If it wasn’t for those chipmunk teeth, I wouldn’t have known it was her. I mean, if you can’t see her chipmunk nipples and the outline of her cooter lips, is it really Miley Cyrus?
But I’m not going to complain about Miley’s go-go Lolita Princess Leia (more like “Princess Lame-o,” amirite?) look, because at least I know that Uncle Terry isn’t on the other side of the camera jacking himself off while taking these pictures.
Miley Cyrus released her latest “Ah am so crazy, y’all!” music video earlier today for a song called “Lighter“, which is obviously the first thing she grabbed before making it. When I described it as a Lisa Frank fever dream, I mean it is literally what the Lisa Frank Bear sees when he tries to bring a fever of 104.6 down with an entire bottle of NocheTussin. Or what Miley sees when her regular dealer goes on vacation and she’s forced to buy weed from H. R. Pufnstuf (you know, after he was caught selling weed to Witchiepoo and kicked out of office by the citizens of Living Island).
I will say this: if you put the video on mute, it is sort of soothing. It’s like watching a 90s screen saver. Of course, if you really want the full 90s computer experience, open a new tab with the ICQ sound playing on a loop while repeatedly unplugging your internet connection.
And because it’s not a Miley post without some pictures of her looking like a straight-up mess, here she is performing in Detroit last night.