You know that one girl at the party who doesn’t know anyone, gets drunk, gets stoned and then dances by herself in the middle of the room while everybody tries not to die of second-hand embarrassment? That was Miley Cyrus at the VMAs tonight and I enjoyed every cringing moment. It had everything I want out of a VMA performance: zero dignity, zero shame and a whole lot of fuckery and ho shit behavior. Bitch has a negative ass and she still twerked against Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit and bitch looked like a fool, but she kept going. Miley gives no fucks while giving too many fucks. She looked like a bootleg Cynthia Doll high on bath salts and she wore clip-on bangs on the back of her head. This is the performance that keeps on giving. It’s like twerking herpes and it’s beautiful:
I think I sprained my tonsils from laughing so damn hard. No matter what time of day it is, just know that in a corner somewhere, Miley is humping a foam finger while sticking out her lizard tongue.
This is pretty much a natural reaction to that shit:
Shit was a gorgeous train wreck. I know Billy Ray is patting his taint anyway, but he should pat it something extra for creating such an entertaining, shameless mess!
Click here if YouTube takes down Miley’s Ode to Vice Magazine.
Pics: Getty Images
“Hey y’all, you know, I want something vintage-like, like old timey-ish, like real old-fashioned-looking, like something that looks like my great memaw’s favorite show Miami Vice!” is probably what Miley Cyrus told the graphic artists who put together the cover art for her new album
Finger Bangerz. Miley wasn’t even a drunk, mullet-wearing jizz fish in her pappy’s nutsack in the 80s, but that didn’t stop her from making her album cover look like it came out of the 80s. That pink neon sign, that black outfit, that look that says, “You know you want to nibble on this ass“…. Tommy Girl did it better:
Even though Miley’s cover looks like a half-assed clip art project, I still like it. It’s a low-budget mess. If Sharkey’s from California Dreams became a discount strip club, Miley’s cover is what their flyer would look like.
Miley also released a new single last night and it’s already #1 on iTunes:
“Wrecking Ball” sounds like the signature song of a 90s day-shift stripper at a club off the highway where all the bikers go. What I’m saying is, Tish Cyrus loves it!
What in the hell kind of G spells “nuthin‘” as “nothing“?
Here’s Miley Cyrus in Brooklyn today and seeing those pigtail knots on her head makes me think that she’s a second away from getting corn rows, which means that she’ll officially be the Chipette version of the ATL Twins. I’m bracing myself now.
Because everybody is copying Miley, Madge wore a pair of Grillz while visiting her Hard Candy Fitness Club in Rome last night. Madge must be trolling all of us, because there’s no way she didn’t look in the mirror and not see that she looks like a bridge witch who sucks the gold fillings out of her unsuspecting victim’s mouths and smears that shit all over her teefs. But then again, a thick coat of delusion covers her eyeballs, so she probably thinks she looks hot. Those Grillz make her look like Gollum’s really rich and way more terrifying memaw. This is like Teeth of Meth: The 1% Edition. This is like an ad for Fixodent GOLD.
And Baby Brahim probably told Madge to buy those Grillz, because nothing gets him hard like gold on his peen and it’s another thing for him to snatch off the bedside table whens she falls asleep.
Because RiRi is always trying to make the top of her head look like a cemetery for roadkill, she got a glorious rattail mullet installed and showed it off on Instagram the other day. RiRi is doing it all wrong. You don’t debut your new rattail at McDonald’s. You debut it at a tailgate party before a Monster Truck rally in Daytona Beach, FL.
Rattails remind me of these little ass brat ass brothers at my elementary school who killed frogs with sticks at the creek in the public park, always stole generic brand soda from the second refrigerator in their neighbor’s garage and would make fun of kids while sitting in the back of a pick-up parked on the driveway of their house. No, I didn’t grow up in Florida, but Florida is everywhere. Never trust a ho with a rattail.
I swear, RiRi always has to look like a bootleg Harmony Korine character. Here’s another one of RiRi working that rattail on Instagram and doing stuff in NYC the other day.
It feels like Miley Cyrus’ transformation into a “ratchet white girl” has led up to this. Miley Cyrus and Terry Richardson finally joined skank forces and farted out pictures that are so damn classy and refined that you’ll want to print them out and use them as tea coasters at your next ladies luncheon. I shouldn’t hate. Because nothing is sexier than looking like you’re trying hard to poot out a stubborn pussy fart. And who doesn’t want to look like a pug drooling on itself after falling asleep during a fap session?
Pics: Terry Richardson’s Diary
After Miley Cyrus tweeted an embarrassing clip (see the cringe inducer below) of her swaying along to the verse she did for French Montana’s (Hannah Montana’s Moroccan cousin) remix of “Ain’t Worried About Nothin,” some people on Twitter blasted her ass for trying to shed her Disney shell by acting black. So Miley RiRi Cyrus had a little reminder for the bitches constantly reminding her that Paula Deen would never make her ring the dinner bell in front of a restaurant. (I think.) Everybody just needs to leave Miley’s ass alone! She’s just really method and is preparing for her role as Tanya in the Girlfriends movie.
And since we’re all in the mood to give out friendly reminders, let me remind Hannah Montana that Julie Brown did it first and did it better, bitch.
Here’s Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards looking like a tweaked out chipmunk who’s been possessed by a dark-sided evil demon. If Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks starred as Regan in a remake of The Exorcist, this is what the poster would look like. Give me some holy water, a rosary and a prayer to chant. That tongue looks like a wet thumb trying to escape out of her mouth. Miley needs to sedate that tongue and put it on a leash. When Miley’s tongue comes wiggling out of her mouth, it looks like she’s doing an impersonation of John Travolta when he sees a man hole. I’m sorry to take you there, but blame Miley and her wandering leech tongue.
And why is she so greasy and sweaty? Bitch is too rich to be that greasy. My abuelita wants to grab Miley’s face and squeeze all the grease onto a frying pan so she can make us all some plátanos con crema. Miley’s got an entire jar of under-the-sink kitchen grease on her face. There’s no need for that when Bounty paper towels exist.
And Miley made it a sort-of family affair yesterday by sitting with Billy Ray and Noah.
They look like they’re at a 90s costume party. Miley went as a white Adina Howard, Billy Ray went as a Hootie & the Blowfish roadie and Noah went as an extra in an after-school special about teen runaways.
Liam Hemsworth always has a look on his face like he’s the sober designated driver in a room full of drunk,coked-up whores or like he’s the adult chaperone at a junior high school dance. It’s the “I don’t want to be here, but I have to” face. I thought Liam Hemsworth just naturally always looked like he’s feeling the pain one feels when you’re at a children’s birthday party full of hyper brats and you just realized that you’re all out of weed. But UsWeekly says that there’s a good reason for why he made that face at last night’s premiere of Paranoia in Los Angeles. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be there, it’s because he didn’t want to be with the ratchet chipmunk.
Miley Cyrus went to her fiance’s premiere last night and some witness type said that the chemistry between them was as cold and lifeless as the chemistry between her ass cheeks and the beat when she tries to twerk. The witness says that Liam kissed her a few times, but it was as if he was kissing on a dehydrated piece of jicama. Dude wasn’t feeling it. The source went on to spill out this:
“Miley and Liam acted like they didn’t even know each other the entire night. She was wearing her ring but they acted as if they were strangers. [His kisses] were awkward and he didn’t seem into them.”
I read a lot of opinions from body language experts in UsWeekly, so that obviously makes me a certified BLE. Liam’s got his right hand in his right pocket, they’re doing the most awkward Christian side huge I’ve ever seen and he’s staring at the street ahead contemplating if he should just run into oncoming traffic. That means they totally hate each other and haven’t wet humped on each other in months. Case closed! And Miley even wore a lipstick that made her lips look like the pristine labia of a virgin and he still doesn’t want to kiss her.
But at least Miley sort of tried it by wearing that leather Tetris dress. She didn’t dress like RiRi’s Wednesday matinee standby for once.
No, this is not Justin Beiber competing in (NSFW) The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. This is Miley Cyrus covering up her waxed chipmunk cooter for Marc Jacobs’ “Protect The Skin You’re In” campaign, which raises cash for the NYU Skin Cancer Institute. But even if this shirt didn’t raise money for charity, Miley still would’ve posed nekkid ass nekkid for it. Because when Miley isn’t making ass cheeks frown by trying to twerk, she’s getting stoned and getting nakie.
The full picture of Miley covering up her bald Hannah Montana is after the cut since it may be a little NSFWish. This mess is the perfect shirt to wear when you want to get kicked out of places and want people to run away from you. Unfortunately, I don’t think you can buy it anymore, because I’m pretty sure it’s sold out. Billy Ray bought them all and already used them to
wallpaper wallshirt his entire basement.