“Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?”
The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.
Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.
The Hoff isn’t exactly eating day old Wonder Bread and government cheese sandwiches on the floor because he can no longer afford cheeseburgers. TMZ says that thanks to that Baywatch, Knight Rider and True Survivor money, The Hoff brings in about $112,000 a month. But living like The Hoff isn’t cheap and he spends around $66,000 a month. That amount doesn’t include taxes, living expenses and the $21,000 a month he pays his ex-wife Pamela Bach. Once The Hoff is done paying everyone, he doesn’t have much money left, so he’s trying to cut off Pamela completely. Pamela is fighting him and wouldn’t you?! It’s either hassle The Hoff for that money, or get an actual job, or downgrade your Mercedes and filet mignon lifestyle to a Kia and Steak-umms lifestyle.
Jerry Hall and her super villain billionaire boo Rupert Murdoch announced a couple of days ago that they’re getting married this Saturday, but I guess these two crazy kids just couldn’t wait to legally bind their everlasting and genuine love. Because Jerry and Rupie officially got married today. They celebrated their new legal union by posing for photographers. This picture definitely warmed my no-heart, because Jerry Hall has glow about her. It’s the kind of glow that covers your face when the direct deposit from your job hits on Thursday night instead of Friday morning.
The BBC says that 59-year-old Jerry Hall and 84-year-old Rupert Murdoch got married in a civil ceremony at Spencer House in London today. It was just a ceremony to make things legal. Their big wedding ceremony will happen tomorrow at St. Brides church. Jerry and Rupie have only been pounding each other’s fuck parts for a few months and they got engaged around 7 weeks ago. I hope all of the drugstores in London are fully stocked with KY, because Rupert is going to tear his wife’s ass up tonight.
Jerry is now the real-life Bond villain’s fourth wife and Rupert is Jerry’s first husband since her marriage to Mick Jagger was declared null and void. Rupert has 6 children and Jerry has 4 children with Mick Jagger.
Because we’re all dead-hearted money-grubbing whores who don’t think that true love exists, we’re probably all wondering one thing: What about the prenup? Silly us! Jerry obviously married Rupert because she’s never felt a love like this before and she’d be with that demon frog even if his banks accounts were as empty as his soul. So I’m sure she proved that her love for him is genuine by signing a prenup that states she gets NOTHING! Or maybe when she was about to sign the prenup, she yelled, “Look! A giant Werther’s Original,” and as Rupert looked away, she quickly switched out the papers with papers that state she gets EVERYTHING!
Either way, congrats, you two love birds.
Pics: Getty, AP
Here’s the love birds at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party this past Sunday. Jerry’s chichis look magnificent. Being almost-married to a billionaire is doing wonders for them. Although, her chichis do kind of look like twin Rupert Murdoch heads. Why did I go and ruin it by saying that?
Everyone’s faith in pure organic love was restored in January when 59-year-old Jerry Hall and evil billionaire mogul 84-year-old Rupert Murdoch announced that they got engaged after 4 months of being together. We all figured that these two would have one of those long engagements and spend the next couple of years planning their perfect wedding. We also figured that Jerry Hall wouldn’t worry about making it legal right away and would just enjoy Rupert’s body pounding against her before busts a load of cum dust up into her. But these two are in a rush to become husband and wife. Reuters says that Jerry will become Rupert’s fourth wife and Rupert will become Jerry’s first husband at St. Bride’s Church in London this Saturday. They have already invited 150 guests. The marriage service will happen at St. Bride’s and the ceremony will be somewhere else.
“He will be having a service to celebrate the marriage,” Claire Seaton from St Bride’s told Reuters. She said the actual wedding ceremony would take place elsewhere.
If you’re hearing the repeated sound of a cocking of a gun (I said cocking of a gun), because you think this is a SHOT GUN situation (Ha. I wish!), then you’re mistaken. That sound you hear is the sound of a clock ticking away, because Rupert is 84 years old and Jerry is wasting no damn time. The last time Jerry got “married” was to Mick Jagger and the marriage was later declared null and void by the court because their ceremony wasn’t official. So when Jerry gets married to Australian Mr. Burns on Saturday, she better have a team of lawyers and Judge Fucking Judy at her side to make her it’s 100% valid.
Louis Tomlinson, the OshKosh B’gosh Luke Perry of One Direction, and his baby mother, Briana Jungwirth, have been fighting over $$$$$ ever since she gave birth to their son, Freddie Reign, a month ago. The Sun claimed that Louis and Briana worked out a child support agreement and that it was decided that he’ll drop $14,000 into her checking account every month for the next 18 years. But TMZ says that it ain’t so, and they’re still tussling over child support money. Briana wants more of it and Louis wants to pay her less. Tale as old as gold digger time….
It was a little over three years ago when Liberty Ross filed for divorce from director Rupert Sanders after he got caught munching on Kristen Stewart’s twat in a Mini Cooper. After the paps caught Rupert taking his tongue to Kristen Stewart’s pussy town in her Mini Cooper, Liberty tried to make it work with him for the sake of their children, but they eventually got divorced. Well, those sad days are long, long behind Liberty and I’m sure she barely thought of that bad time in her life as sparkling dollar signs, I mean, sparkling hearts filled her eyes when she married almost-billionaire turtle Jimmy Iovine over the weekend.
The Daily Mail has pictures of 37-year-old Liberty marrying 62-year-old music mogul Jimmy Iovine on a beach in Malibu on Saturday afternoon. It was just a casual ceremony and at one point, a sky writer messed up by writing “J Heart M” instead of “J Heart L.” Liberty could have taken that as a bad omen, but she laughed it off, because who cares. Bitch is beyond rich now. The beach wedding was just for their close family and friends. Yesterday, on Valentine’s Day, they went all out by throwing a party at David Geffen’s mansion.
Since everyone is in L.A. for the Grammys tonight, everyone was at Jimmy and Liberty’s wedding party. The 300 guests included: Oprah, her boo Stedman Graham, her other boo Gayle King, Pharrell Williams, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Eminem, Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Brian Grazer, Paul McCartney, Rupert Murdoch, Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton, Stevie Nicks, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz. Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett and Mary J. Blige performed at the reception. All of them women were also told to wear red since it was VD.
That wedding sounds like what a gold digger dreams of when she closes her eyes at night. Not only did Liberty Ross marry a guy who is worth around $970 million, but the reception was filled with so many rich bitches. I bet that instead of the guests pinning dollars to her dress during the money dance, they swiped their black AMEX on a credit card machine strapped to her dress. And I also bet that during the reception, Liberty raised a glass and said, “Thank you to Kristen Stewart’s pussy, because if it wasn’t for my asshole ex licking on you in a Mini Cooper, I may not have upgraded and been living a lavish life today. To KStew’s snatch!”
And here’s riveting pictures of David Geffen’s twink toy lair and pictures of guests in cars.
When Billy Joel’s friends and family showed up to his gigantic estate on Long Island yesterday, they thought they were there for a Fourth of July party, but they quickly realized that they were actually there for his fourth wedding. Nothing will punch the excitement out of you like finding out that you have to sit through a boring wedding before getting Fourth of July plastered.
People says that 33-year-old Alexis Roderick, who used to work for Morgan Stanley, became the third blonde inducted into The Billy Joel Wives Club when she married 66-year-old Billy Joel yesterday. The wedding was officiated by Sandra Lee’s piece Governor Andrew Cuomo. UsWeekly says that guests including his daughter Alexa Ray and the King of Queens, Kevin James, watched Billy Joel become somebody’s husband for the fourth time. Billy Joel was married to Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, ageless vampire Christie Brinkley for 9 years and Katie Lee for 6 years.
Billy Joel and Alexis started bumping fuck parts in 2009. Alexis currently has Billy Joel’s second child growing in her womb. Back in April, they announced that she’s knocked up.
Billy and Alexis released that picture above after they got married. That picture really is the perfect portrait of wedded bliss. I mean, Billy (who is giving me overcooked hot dog in that picture) looks like he’s thinking to himself “Oh god, what have I done AGAIN?” while she’s closing her eyes and envisioning herself leaping across a mountain of his money. Congrats to the happy couple!
And here’s some pictures of Billy and his new trophy bride throughout the years.
If the name Gabi Grecko means about as much to you as the name “Kim” means to North West, then you’re obviously not a connoisseur of delicate gold digging blossoms.
Gabi Grecko (who is giving me Leeloo as a Hooters waitress in that picture) is a 26-year-old Florida petunia who became one of my gold digging idols when she got with 72-year-old Australian medical mogul Geoffrey Edelsten and caused an ESCANDALO when she showed up to a funeral done up like a mobster’s hooker mistress circa 1986. Well, the always attention shy Gabi, who is usually allergic to the spotlight, is back in the news in Australia after she and her sugar pepaw got married and announced that she’s got an adorable little blank check growing in her womb. But some people are throwing looks of skepticism at her pregnancy news.
E! News says that after tons of on-again off-again business (some of it real, some of it maybe cooked up for that Cougar Next Door movie), Jennifer Lopez is back together with Casper Smart. “Good for him!” shouted every aspiring gold digger and kept man, as they popped a celebratory bottle of Baby Duck in his honor.
For the past couple months, it was rumored that JLo let Sid from Toy Story‘s next of kin creep back into her life, but they both kept their lips sealed and wouldn’t say whether they were humping again or not. I know, it was keeping me awake at night too. But it sounds you’ll no longer find Casper’s profile on SugarMatch.com, because E! News has “learned” that they’re officially a couple again. JLo went ahead and pretty much confirmed the news herself by posting this super low-res picture (seriously JLo, get it together) of Casper to Instagram yesterday.
For those of you who need a translation of that caption, “#MCM” means Man Crush Monday, “#lovethispic” means JLo might be legally blind (honestly, its like 72 dpi), and “#HandsomeBear” means JLo should consider watching a couple episodes of Kratts’ Creatures, because if anything, Casper looks more like a #HandsomeBostonTerrier.
I know I should probably be side-eying both of these two for doing the lazy thing and getting back together, but the shameless whore in me couldn’t be any happier for them. Casper is getting that cash and JLo is getting that 28-year-old ass. Congrats, you two!
Today, gold diggers everywhere are liquidating all their gifts from their married sugar daddies and sugar mamis and hiding that money far, far away, because a disgusting, gross, unjustified, anti-gold digging precedent has been set! Gold diggers better make sure that all gifts from their married pieces come in the form of cash and are off the books. Gold diggers better tattoo the words “CASH ONLY” over their fuck parts, because the game has been threatened.
The Associated Press reports that V. Stiviano, the visor-wearing gold digging alien who exposed former Clippers owner Donald Sterling as a racist, bloated wart that fell off of Jabba the Hutt’s asshole, has been ordered by an anti-gold digger judge in Los Angeles to give back the millions he gave to her as gifts. Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly Sterling became gold digger enemy #1 when she demanded in a lawsuit against V. Stiviano that all of the gifts her husband gave his side piece be returned to her. Donald bought V. Stiviano all kinds of lavish shit like fancy cars, a $1.8 million house in Beverly Hills, designer purses, jewelry, stocks, etc… etc… Shelly was not fucking around, because in the list of gifts in dispute she included a $1 donation to St. Jude’s and a birthday cake. Shelly claimed that Donald gave V $3.6 million in gifts since 2010. She asked a judge to force V to repay $2.8 million of that. The judge sided with her.