“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.
Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.
Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:
“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.
He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”
Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.
Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.
Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.
Dear Heather Mills, Elin Nordegren, Jon Cryer’s ex-wife and all the other platinum level gold diggers out there who think they have won the game, a new challenger you knew was a shady motherfucker (but didn’t know was this shady) has arrived AND HOW! Eddie Cibrian lives in a multi-million dollar mansion with his partner in shameless fuckery Falkor Rimes, probably has a wallet full of limit-less credit cards and you know he gets millions of dollars in royalties from his finest artistic achievement 3Deep, but it’s still not enough and now he’s apparently trying to shake down his ex-wife for some cash. Some hardcore gold diggers have the game so deeply ingrained in them that they just can’t stop gold digging and will even shake down a trick who’s got less cash than him. I don’t know whether to give him a standing ovation or give him two standing ovations, because that is a new kind of shameless.
Brandi Glanville whined on Twitter today about how people keep throwing hate at her for airing her divorce shit in book after book and while doing so she said that Eddie is trying to get child support from her. Poor Brandi. She’s just a fame whore trying to make a dollar from being a mess and her asshole slut of an ex-husband keeps kicking her down. As the cackle from a luck dragon filled the night sky, Brandi tweeted this:
2 all these young unmarried bloggers writing about getting over divorce¬ seeing ur children grow up 1/2 the time,walk a mile in my shoes.
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
Im not taking cheap shots at my ex in my new book cuz its all true,&now mr fancy new cars&house man is asking ME for child support!Uknownada
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
everytime I take 1 step frwd I get a lawyers letter that takes me 3 steps back so wen people say move on, I say 2 my ex LET ME! Just STOP
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
Eddie would totally knee a homeless puppy in the face, snatch its change cup and run off if he needed the cash, but I don’t know if I totally believe this. I mean, I don’t know Eddie and Brandi’s custody situation, so I don’t even know if he can ask for child support. I figured that Brandi got the kids most of the time and Eddie got the kids a few hours a week for photo-ops. Maybe Eddie needs extra spending cash to discreetly spend on his side whores, because that whiny mess LeAnn always asks him why there’s so many charges to the Peninsula Hotel on their credit card bill. Hey, Eddie, if you need cash that bad, just scream at LeAnn, “Hey, paparazzi over there,” and while she’s looking away pull a few gold coins out of her saddle bag. It works EVERY time.
UPDATE: Eddie’s spokeswhore (yes, he still has one) tells UsWeekly that he’s not trying to get money out of Brandi:
“There is no truth to the claims that Eddie has requested child support from Brandi now, nor will he ever request child support from his ex-wife. The notion is preposterous. This is yet another ploy for self-promotion.”
Today, we should all be mad at the wind for not knocking those two whores off of that cliff when it had the chance. We are all disappointed in you, wind.
But seriously, I should turn off the hate and pat porn star Brett Rossi on the taint for a job well done, because after months of sucking and fucking on Charlie Sheen’s over-cooked penne dick, she is finally one step closer to achieving her gold digger mission. Yesterday, the scent of “true love” smelled like crack pipe residue and dick scabs when Charlie asked Brett Rossi to be his future fourth ex-wife while on vacation in Hawaii. Because Brett knows that she’ll be set up for life if she just marries his nasty ass and pops out a few of his spawn, she said yes. In the crack-infused statement he gave to People, Charlie says that technically Brett will be his third wife since his marriage to his first wife Donna Peel was annulled.
“With all due respect to Donna –
that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.
truly is a charm;
of the real CS,
(Charlie & Scottie)
HAS to be;
Since Charlie’s relationship history is filled with nothing but pure healthiness, I’m sure these two skanks will have a not-at-all fucked up marriage and in 30 years they’ll be sipping virgin mint juleps on the porch of their house while watching their not-at-all fucked up children play with their not-at-all fucked up grandchildren. Or it’ll end with Brett making a tourniquet out of a shower curtain in a locked hotel bathroom after Charlie “accidentally” shot her leg. Either way, #getmoneybitch! But maybe Brett should wear a head-to-toe bulletproof suit while doing so.
And TMZ has pictures of Brett’s engagement ring if you really need to see it. I didn’t know that crack rocks could get so pretty and shiny when you polish them up.
(Pic via @thebrettrossi)
“Can you believe that I have to suck that to pay the lease on my BMW?” is what Shannon Elizabeth said before her laughs turned into desperate tears and she ran off to the nearest pay phone to call her parents in Waco, Texas to beg them to let her come back home.
Earlier this month, the definition of random decided to show itself in the form of 56-year-old Russell Simmons and 40-year-old Shannon Elizabeth showing up to a Golden Globes party together. It was like two coagulated cum blasts from the past. I guess Shannon is still fucking that
chicken turtle, because here they are leaving 1Oak in West Hollywood last night. I thought the cookie spread and spelt bread (it’s all I had, don’t ask) sandwich I ate for dinner last night was random, but this tops that shit. Russell has gone from Kimora to Sophie Monk to self-proclaimed not-gold-digger Julie Henderson to Lauren from Alias to Shannon Elizabeth. I feel like I need to bust out PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Russell’s “dating” history. And Shannon went from the love child of Kevin Smith and Howard Stern to Mark Philippoussis to Derek Hough to the yoga turtle. I’m also going to need PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Shannon’s dating history.
But whatever, they’re together now, because Shannon’s AMEX bill isn’t going to pay itself and Russell believes her when she says that she was a 90s baby.
Never underestimate the power of a relentless gold digger who refuses to retire her shovel….
About 16 months ago, Evelyn Lozado of Basketball Wives was crying out tears on the floor of her Miami condo when she filed for divorce from Chad Ochocinco, because he Chris Brown’d her the night she found condoms in his Maserati. Cut to today: Evelyn Lozado is pregnant with a little bundle of joy who will one day bring her many years of child supports checks, and yesterday she Instagramm’d a picture of the $1.4 million diamond ring that her baby father, Carl Crawford of the Los Angeles Dodgers, gave her. What a difference 16 months and a dedication to the #GETMONEYBITCH way of life can make.
Here’s the 14.5 carat, $1.4 million diamond ring that Carl put on Evelyn’s finger on Christmas morning. Never mind those hideous talons that make it impossible for her to properly finger fuck Carl Crawford’s b-hole (or maybe he likes it a little rough), doesn’t that giant rock of tackiness make you squirt out a gold digger tear of pride?
37-year-old Evelyn is currently 7 months knocked up with 32-year-old Carl’s baby. Carl, who’s contract with the Dodgers is worth $142 million, has a 9-year-old son and a 6-month-old daughter with a chick who lives in Arizona.
Yes, Evelyn is 7 months pregnant and Carl’s got a 6 month old daughter. Evelyn may be a complete and total mess, but she has a gift for finding millionaire man tramp athletes who don’t seem to mind collecting baby mothers. It’s like Evelyn’s pussy has a built-in GPS that leads her to these rich dumb fucks. Evelyn is an inspiration to us all and I hope that in between getting money and getting some more money she finds time to give back to the community by teaching a master class in gold digging at Harvard. Amateur gold diggers could learn a thing or fifty from the reigning empress of the gold diggers!
Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.
James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.
James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.
Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.
Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.
When Jon Cryer (you know the other other one from Two and a Half Douchebags) and his first wife Sarah Trigger executed their marriage in 2004, a judge gave him full custody of their son, because she was labeled as an unfit mother. Sarah proved the judge right five years later when she was arrested after allegedly choking her son out with a cord. Even though Sarah might’ve committed a felony Joan Crawford on her son, she was given 5% custody and Jon was forced to pay her $8,000 a month in child support. Since then, Sarah has worked her way up to 50% custody and now she wants a 1000% raise! Shameless hos stay shameless.
TMZ says that Sarah, who is kind of giving me “Jennifer Grey after too much electroshock therapy” vibes, is asking a judge to up her child support from $8,000 a month to $88,969 a month. Sarah’s reason is classic. Sarah claims that their 13-year-old is being bullied by rich brats at his fancy private school The Buckley School because he’s practically poorer than poor! All the other kids go on vacations to Europe and Thailand and have their birthday parties at places like Sky High Sports, and he doesn’t. All the kids go to expensive summer camps and he can’t because his mom only gets an $8k check a month. And Sarah had this to say about Bar Mitzvahs:
“Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward.”
Sarah says that because she has 50% custody now and Jon makes $2 million a month, she deserves that $88,969 a month.
None of this makes sense. When those brats make fun of Jon and Sarah’s son for being picked up by his mom in an E-class instead of being picked up by the butler in a Maybach, couldn’t he pull out his iPhone (which is probably an iPhone 5 instead of an iPhone 5s, embarrassing!) and show them that his dad makes $620,000 an episode? If going to Thailand for holiday break is that big of a deal, couldn’t Jon just take him? No, that would still be crazy, because going to Thailand so the kids stop making fun of you is insane!
It’s really hard out there for rich kids. They really need their own #itgetsbetter (aka #thecheckswillgetbigger) campaign. But I can’t fully hate on crazy-eyed Sarah. What’s the point of having a kid with a millionaire TV star if you’re not going to use that kid to get $88,000 a month?
Someone needs to clear time in Kanye’s CAPS LOCK/overboard proposal/delusions of grandeur schedule so he can do some research on why marrying Kim Kardashian without a prenup is the dumbest fucking idea in the history of dumb fucking ideas. A source told HollywoodLife:
“Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup,” the source says. “He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”
There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, Kanye doesn’t love anybody but Kanye. He eats, sleeps and breathes his own hype so hard, it wouldn’t surprise me if he spent a good amount of his time practicing yoga so he can be flexible enough to come full circle and just suck himself off. Second of all, protecting the fruits of your labors is what he finds tacky? We should take up a collection to get his ass an Amazon gift card so he can purchase every excruciating season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians to see it’s too damn late to concern himself with tackiness now. And last but not least- silly rabbit, there are ALWAYS strings attached when you’re dealing with PMK and her shallow ass gene pool! Your future mother-in-law has probably written dozens of Kimye fan fictions in which the Kardashians somehow end up with millions of your money.
Here are some pics of PMK (wearing an outfit my eight year old niece wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole) and Kim sending PETA into a vengeful rage by wearing a fur leaving their hotel in San Francisco. You folks in the Bay Area do a hometown girl a solid and have the city condemn that building now that it’s been tainted.
Who ever said that the quickest and easiest way to reel in some hot ass is to get an ‘N Sync royalty check every month and regular invitations to illustrious events like Fergie’s big gay baby shower was right! My favorite ‘N Sync ho (after the midget pineapple Chris Kirkpatrick, of course) said on Instagram today that he asked his hot piece of 21 months Michael Turchin to be his husband and of course his hot piece said yes. It felt like it was only ten seconds ago when Lance Bass was fucking Reichen from The Amazing Race and now he’s getting married to this upgrade. I’m only calling him an upgrade, because he’s got a belly button that looks like an eye throwing an up-eye.
Here’s Michael showing off the black diamond ring that Lance bought him:
UsWeekly says that Lance and Michael, who’s a model and aspiring actor (aren’t they all?), got engaged in New Orleans. Lance even texted Michael’s parents to ask for his hand in marriage. Texting for permission? If Michael’s parents are anything like my mom then that text conversation must’ve been a mess. My mom barely learned how to text and auto-correct is her forever enemy. Her texts never make sense. So if some dude texted to ask for my hand in marriage, she’d reply with: Nest pudding yearn of zoos hose she not warts boo hand sea mall nine villain LOL (Translation: Yes but only if you move me in with you two and pay all my bills LOL).
And I really hope Topanga officiates Lance’s first wedding.
Kim Zolciak’s latest assistant better buy extra cartons of cigarettes at Costco, because the human silicone bag in a wig is smoking for three now! One of Atlanta’s hardest working fame whores and gold diggers tells E! that her and her husband Kroy Biermann are going to be parents to twins. Kroy and Kim already have 2 sons together and she has 2 daughters from her first marriage. As Kim’s Duggar-in-training uterus moans and tries to send her brain a message to please trade in her prenatal cigarettes for prenatal weed joints so the pain it feels from always having a baby in it will go away, she said this to E! about having her own child army:
“I’m having twins and I couldn’t be more excited. I was completely shocked. I had no idea. It was a natural conception, but twins do run in the family, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I can’t believe I am going to be a mom to six children. It’s going to be very busy but it’s a dream come true.”
Kim is a piece of trash and her pussy probably suffers from PTSD by now, but I still have to slow clap for her. Now that she’s having twins, bitch not only secured another season of her unwatchable shit show Don’t Be Tardy…., but now she’s going to get even more child support money from Kroy when they eventually divorce. That’s a how gold digging fame whore truly does it!
(Pic via Instagram)