Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.
James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.
James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.
Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.
Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.
When Jon Cryer (you know the other other one from Two and a Half Douchebags) and his first wife Sarah Trigger executed their marriage in 2004, a judge gave him full custody of their son, because she was labeled as an unfit mother. Sarah proved the judge right five years later when she was arrested after allegedly choking her son out with a cord. Even though Sarah might’ve committed a felony Joan Crawford on her son, she was given 5% custody and Jon was forced to pay her $8,000 a month in child support. Since then, Sarah has worked her way up to 50% custody and now she wants a 1000% raise! Shameless hos stay shameless.
TMZ says that Sarah, who is kind of giving me “Jennifer Grey after too much electroshock therapy” vibes, is asking a judge to up her child support from $8,000 a month to $88,969 a month. Sarah’s reason is classic. Sarah claims that their 13-year-old is being bullied by rich brats at his fancy private school The Buckley School because he’s practically poorer than poor! All the other kids go on vacations to Europe and Thailand and have their birthday parties at places like Sky High Sports, and he doesn’t. All the kids go to expensive summer camps and he can’t because his mom only gets an $8k check a month. And Sarah had this to say about Bar Mitzvahs:
“Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward.”
Sarah says that because she has 50% custody now and Jon makes $2 million a month, she deserves that $88,969 a month.
None of this makes sense. When those brats make fun of Jon and Sarah’s son for being picked up by his mom in an E-class instead of being picked up by the butler in a Maybach, couldn’t he pull out his iPhone (which is probably an iPhone 5 instead of an iPhone 5s, embarrassing!) and show them that his dad makes $620,000 an episode? If going to Thailand for holiday break is that big of a deal, couldn’t Jon just take him? No, that would still be crazy, because going to Thailand so the kids stop making fun of you is insane!
It’s really hard out there for rich kids. They really need their own #itgetsbetter (aka #thecheckswillgetbigger) campaign. But I can’t fully hate on crazy-eyed Sarah. What’s the point of having a kid with a millionaire TV star if you’re not going to use that kid to get $88,000 a month?
Someone needs to clear time in Kanye’s CAPS LOCK/overboard proposal/delusions of grandeur schedule so he can do some research on why marrying Kim Kardashian without a prenup is the dumbest fucking idea in the history of dumb fucking ideas. A source told HollywoodLife:
“Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup,” the source says. “He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”
There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, Kanye doesn’t love anybody but Kanye. He eats, sleeps and breathes his own hype so hard, it wouldn’t surprise me if he spent a good amount of his time practicing yoga so he can be flexible enough to come full circle and just suck himself off. Second of all, protecting the fruits of your labors is what he finds tacky? We should take up a collection to get his ass an Amazon gift card so he can purchase every excruciating season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians to see it’s too damn late to concern himself with tackiness now. And last but not least- silly rabbit, there are ALWAYS strings attached when you’re dealing with PMK and her shallow ass gene pool! Your future mother-in-law has probably written dozens of Kimye fan fictions in which the Kardashians somehow end up with millions of your money.
Here are some pics of PMK (wearing an outfit my eight year old niece wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole) and Kim sending PETA into a vengeful rage by wearing a fur leaving their hotel in San Francisco. You folks in the Bay Area do a hometown girl a solid and have the city condemn that building now that it’s been tainted.
Who ever said that the quickest and easiest way to reel in some hot ass is to get an ‘N Sync royalty check every month and regular invitations to illustrious events like Fergie’s big gay baby shower was right! My favorite ‘N Sync ho (after the midget pineapple Chris Kirkpatrick, of course) said on Instagram today that he asked his hot piece of 21 months Michael Turchin to be his husband and of course his hot piece said yes. It felt like it was only ten seconds ago when Lance Bass was fucking Reichen from The Amazing Race and now he’s getting married to this upgrade. I’m only calling him an upgrade, because he’s got a belly button that looks like an eye throwing an up-eye.
Here’s Michael showing off the black diamond ring that Lance bought him:
UsWeekly says that Lance and Michael, who’s a model and aspiring actor (aren’t they all?), got engaged in New Orleans. Lance even texted Michael’s parents to ask for his hand in marriage. Texting for permission? If Michael’s parents are anything like my mom then that text conversation must’ve been a mess. My mom barely learned how to text and auto-correct is her forever enemy. Her texts never make sense. So if some dude texted to ask for my hand in marriage, she’d reply with: Nest pudding yearn of zoos hose she not warts boo hand sea mall nine villain LOL (Translation: Yes but only if you move me in with you two and pay all my bills LOL).
And I really hope Topanga officiates Lance’s first wedding.
Kim Zolciak’s latest assistant better buy extra cartons of cigarettes at Costco, because the human silicone bag in a wig is smoking for three now! One of Atlanta’s hardest working fame whores and gold diggers tells E! that her and her husband Kroy Biermann are going to be parents to twins. Kroy and Kim already have 2 sons together and she has 2 daughters from her first marriage. As Kim’s Duggar-in-training uterus moans and tries to send her brain a message to please trade in her prenatal cigarettes for prenatal weed joints so the pain it feels from always having a baby in it will go away, she said this to E! about having her own child army:
“I’m having twins and I couldn’t be more excited. I was completely shocked. I had no idea. It was a natural conception, but twins do run in the family, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I can’t believe I am going to be a mom to six children. It’s going to be very busy but it’s a dream come true.”
Kim is a piece of trash and her pussy probably suffers from PTSD by now, but I still have to slow clap for her. Now that she’s having twins, bitch not only secured another season of her unwatchable shit show Don’t Be Tardy…., but now she’s going to get even more child support money from Kroy when they eventually divorce. That’s a how gold digging fame whore truly does it!
(Pic via Instagram)
The Daily Mail says that six weeks ago, Simon Cowell pulled his pork-stuffed chest dumplings away from Lauren Silverman’s face for the last time and dumped her married ass. But then a quick minute later, Lauren let out a victorious gold digger cackle when she told Simon that she’s knocked up with a blank check signed by him. Simon: ZERO points. Gold Diggers: ALL THE POINTS!
Earlier in the week, different sources said that Lauren told Simon that she was taking birth control and “tricked” him into getting her pregnant. Lauren supposedly told Simon that he will never see the baby unless he marries her ass. But now the Daily Mail says that Simon isn’t going to make room for Lauren’s shit in his V-neck closet anytime soon. Simon is going to help out Lauren while the fetus they made together grows in her womb, but he’s confused by the whole thing. The source said:
“Simon feels like he’s been done up like a kipper in all of this. He and Lauren split up six weeks ago but the next thing we know he gets a phone call from her saying, ‘Guess what?’ Since then he has been feeling very confused about everything.”
Lauren’s mom ran her mouth over to The Sun and told them that her daughter didn’t get a gold digging degree from HMU (Heather Mills University) and that Simon needs to make things right by marrying Lauren. (Yes, Lauren’s mom is a time traveler from 1923.) Another source (ALL THESE SOURCES!) tells TMZ that Simon is trying to make it work with Lauren and is going to make sure that his baby wears the finest v-neck onesies.
I don’t know why Simon’s skank ass is so shocked and feels tricked. When you bareback bone your friend’s wife, it can end one of three ways:
1. Your ass gets shot.
2. You end up writing a child support check for 18 years.
3. You end up with the Herp.
So Simon should look on the bright side. Instead of ending up dead or with a lifetime of flare-ups, he’s getting years and years of a little brat throwing up on him, shitting on him, slobbering on him and constantly whining for more, more, more, more, more. You know, since I put it that way, Simon probably wishes he got the Herp instead. I would too.
Simon Cowell left a taping of The X-Factor in L.A. yesterday (crystal clear pictures below) and no words came out of his trap when the paparazzi asked him if he’s been fitted for his custom-made nipple shield since in a few months he’ll be breastfeeding his newborn. (Note to everyone: If you want to shut Simon up, ask him about being a daddy.) Simon hasn’t said anything about making a baby with his best friend’s wife Lauren Silverman (seen above with Fur Tits in 2012), but he doesn’t really have to since the divorce papers Lauren’s husband filed says it all.
The New York Post says that Andrew Silverman filed for divorce in NYC two weeks ago and in the papers, he claims that his marriage died because his wife passed her poon to that slut Simon Cowell. Andrew names Simon’s ass in the divorce papers and is out for RE-VEEEENGE (insert EmilyThornesGettingEvenFace.jpg here). If Andrew and Lauren’s divorce goes to trial, Simon could be called in to testify and spill all the escandaloso details about his affair with his best friend’s wife. Andrew wants sole custody of their 7-year-old son.
A source also tells The Post that Lauren and Andrew weren’t “estranged” and he recently upgraded her engagement ring. Lauren and Andrew were living together in their Upper East Side apartment and she barely moved out in June. Andrew claims he has no idea that the rug burns on her coochie were from rubbing on Simon’s furry dick.
Another source says that Lauren is nothing but a gold digging hussy whore (aka my new hero) and she got with Simon because he’s a million times richer than her so-so rich husband. The source also says that Lauren got knocked up on purpose and can’t wait to shoot out a stack of gold bars in a few months. A source tells The NYDN that Simon thought Lauren was using birth control and feels like she tricked him into a lifetime (or 18 years) of writing child support checks.
The story really does have everything. It has a shameless gold digger, an even more shameless home wrecker, a scorned husband who’s out for man titty blood and a pair of extra succulent hairy chest dumplings. What more could you want?
And Simon is as dumb as a popped nipple pimple if he really fell for the old “I is on birth control” trick. Congratulations to gold diggers for another victory! And condolences to Simon’s future baby since it’ll be forced to wear V-neck onesies and will strain its little brain while trying to answer the question so many of us have tried to answer: What is happening with Simon’s hair part?
James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
Now is the time to use your entire life savings to buy stock in Pfizer (don’t do this), because billionaire Rupert Murdoch is filling his pool with Viagra pills now that he’s single. While Rupert celebrates being single by getting his balls ironed, gold diggers of the world should practice giving him a beej by deep throating a dehydrated celery stalk that’s been left out in the sun for a few weeks. Now is your time to shine, gold diggers!
Deadline says that the 82-year-old CEO of News Corp and the future star of DETV’s (Death Eaters TV) version of The Bachelor filed for divorce from his wife of almost 14 years, 44-year-old Wendi Deng Murdoch. Rupert and Wendi’s 14th wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks and this is the perfect anniversary gift to her! The gift of FREEDOM and a possible multi-million dollar divorce settlement! (Although, I hear that Wendi is a mega bitch to the core and is about as pleasant as doing yourself in the urethra with a tiny dildo, so maybe this is Rupert’s anniversary gift to himself.)
NY Mag says that for the past few months, Rupert and his third wife Wendi have been living totally separate lives. Wendi takes care of their two girls and Rupert is out there trying to destroy Dr. Who.
It’s a damn shame that Larry King and Hugh Hefner are married. If they weren’t, they could team up with Rupert and become the new and improved Pussy Posse. The other Pussy Posse would worship at their hooves as a harem of gold diggers spoon fed them pureed lettuce in the club.
And I hope that Rupert puts a bonus in Wendi’s settlement for doing this:
That is above and beyond the call of gold digger duty right there.
If you looked at the picture on the left and though to yourself, “Mmmmm, those tortilla chips on the floor look delicious,” then you and me are the same and we’re both disgusting because eating tortilla chips off the floor is nasty. If you looked at the picture on the left again and thought to yourself, “Now, that is the face of a scheming, gold digging whore pit viper,” then you’re right!
The beautiful bride on the left is Reese Witherspoon’s stepmother Tricianne Taylor (no lie, Tricianne is a hot name) and she married John Witherspoon last year when he was still married to Reese’s mother Betty Witherspoon. Shortly after the wedding, Betty sued both Tricianne and John for bigamy. John has early-onset dementia and claimed that he doesn’t even know Tricianne and doesn’t remember marrying her. John and Tricianne are still married and even though she’s never met Reese Witherspoon, she’s still scooting skid marks all over Laura Jeanne Poon’s image for a quick check.
Tricianne tells The National Enquirer (via Radar) that she’s not exactly surprised that Reese was a disrespectful twat to a cop, because she’s treated her own father the same way. As Tricianne counted the crisp one hundred dollar bills that the Enquirer gave her, she said that Reese was such a bitch to John that he almost didn’t walk his daughter down the aisle.
“She was so awful and disrespectful to her father. Reese shows very little respect to her father, and he’s been ostracized by her because she’s so angry that he married me. Based on Reese’s behavior in those police videos following her recent arrest, I believe she has a serious drinking problem and needs to get professional help.”
The Enquirer adds that Trashy Anne Taylor wants $100,000 to expose all of Reese’s secrets.
See, this is how I know that there’s something really wrong with me. Trashy Anne sounds like a conniving, money-grubbing whore leech and John Witherspoon should’ve channeled Nancy Sinatra and put on those white boots to walk, far, far away from her, but I’m still reading her words and thinking to myself, “She’s kind of hot.” Trashy Anne is shameless, crazy and an overall mess. She’s just my type.
But seriously, I love how she’s diagnosing Reese even though she’s never met her. I’ve never met Reese before and I’ve called her crazy, but I’ve never said she needs to go to rehab. But if that’s what it takes to get a quick stack of hundreds from the Enquirer, then let me be the second to say: I’ve never met Reese Witherspoon, but she needs help!