Amber Heard’s first marriage to Johnny Depp was a grade-A mess from start to finish. Accusations of gold digging, dog smuggling, and a divorce that will go down in Hollywood history as one of the messiest divorce battles every fought by a famous millionaire and his younger famous wife. Well, getting divorced from a rich older dude clearly didn’t scare Amber off marriage for good, because word is she might be thinking about getting married to her older billionaire boyfriend Elon Musk.
Last year, The Daily Mail republished a rumor from Slovenian tabloid Suzy that insinuated that Melania Trump may have rented her vagine out to men while trying to make it as a model. The modeling agency that Melania was signed to in the 1990s was allegedly also a leased cooch emporium. Suzy’s article claimed that some of the models also worked as call girls. Well, when they go low, Melania goes to her lawyers and gets money.
Melania’s lawyers originally filed a $150 million lawsuit against The Daily Mail in Maryland, but that lawsuit was thrown out because the judge couldn’t find a connection between the state and The Daily Mail. So Melania’s lawyers refiled the lawsuit in New York a couple of months ago. Melania won’t have to furiously search for the perfect Michelle Obama speech to repeat on the stand while testifying in front of a jury, because the lawsuit was settled. The Daily Mail admitted they were in the wrong and spit up an apology to Melania and that apology didn’t end with: “We’re sorry for calling you a hooker, because everyone knows you’re more of a gold digger!” I thought I knew you, Daily Mail.
A little over two weeks ago, Mel B filed for divorce from her husband of 10 years Stephen Belafonte. Since then, she got a restraining order against him and accused him of emotionally and physically abusing her for years. Stephen responded by claiming he’s the victim of a smear campaign. Stephen has now responded to her divorce petition and he wants her to pay up.
It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.
Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.
Frances Bean Cobain’s husband of 21 months Isaiah Silva, seen above looking like he mutters about “Helter Skelter” a lot, is already trying to keep a guitar that belonged to her dad Kurt Cobain, and now he’s put his gear in full gold digger mode and is going all the way. People reports that Isaiah filed court documents demanding that Frances Bean make out a $25,000 check to him every single month for spousal support. Isaiah is claiming that he needs all that money to take care of his 7-year-old daughter from another relationship, and that Frances Bean coldly abandoned them, leaving them with nothing! If Isaiah doesn’t sadly shuffle into the court room with dirt on his face while singing “Where Is Love?” from Oliver!, I will totally be disappointed in his game.
“Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?”
The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.
Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.