E! News says that after tons of on-again off-again business (some of it real, some of it maybe cooked up for that Cougar Next Door movie), Jennifer Lopez is back together with Casper Smart. “Good for him!” shouted every aspiring gold digger and kept man, as they popped a celebratory bottle of Baby Duck in his honor.
For the past couple months, it was rumored that JLo let Sid from Toy Story‘s next of kin creep back into her life, but they both kept their lips sealed and wouldn’t say whether they were humping again or not. I know, it was keeping me awake at night too. But it sounds you’ll no longer find Casper’s profile on SugarMatch.com, because E! News has “learned” that they’re officially a couple again. JLo went ahead and pretty much confirmed the news herself by posting this super low-res picture (seriously JLo, get it together) of Casper to Instagram yesterday.
For those of you who need a translation of that caption, “#MCM” means Man Crush Monday, “#lovethispic” means JLo might be legally blind (honestly, its like 72 dpi), and “#HandsomeBear” means JLo should consider watching a couple episodes of Kratts’ Creatures, because if anything, Casper looks more like a #HandsomeBostonTerrier.
I know I should probably be side-eying both of these two for doing the lazy thing and getting back together, but the shameless whore in me couldn’t be any happier for them. Casper is getting that cash and JLo is getting that 28-year-old ass. Congrats, you two!
Today, gold diggers everywhere are liquidating all their gifts from their married sugar daddies and sugar mamis and hiding that money far, far away, because a disgusting, gross, unjustified, anti-gold digging precedent has been set! Gold diggers better make sure that all gifts from their married pieces come in the form of cash and are off the books. Gold diggers better tattoo the words “CASH ONLY” over their fuck parts, because the game has been threatened.
The Associated Press reports that V. Stiviano, the visor-wearing gold digging alien who exposed former Clippers owner Donald Sterling as a racist, bloated wart that fell off of Jabba the Hutt’s asshole, has been ordered by an anti-gold digger judge in Los Angeles to give back the millions he gave to her as gifts. Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly Sterling became gold digger enemy #1 when she demanded in a lawsuit against V. Stiviano that all of the gifts her husband gave his side piece be returned to her. Donald bought V. Stiviano all kinds of lavish shit like fancy cars, a $1.8 million house in Beverly Hills, designer purses, jewelry, stocks, etc… etc… Shelly was not fucking around, because in the list of gifts in dispute she included a $1 donation to St. Jude’s and a birthday cake. Shelly claimed that Donald gave V $3.6 million in gifts since 2010. She asked a judge to force V to repay $2.8 million of that. The judge sided with her.
I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.
Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.
Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.
TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.
The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.
And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.
Like an anal orgy where Taco Bell was served right before the festivities, the divorce and custody fight between Jeremy Renner and his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco just keeps getting messier and messier. When Sonni filed for divorce last December, we sort of knew shit was going to go into train wreck territory, because she claimed “fraud” on the papers and said that Jeremy was holding her passport and other documents hostage. Apparently, Jeremy was afraid she’d take their almost 2-year-old daughter Ava to her homeland of Canada. Sonni then screamed about how Jeremy’s house is a baby death trap of horrors, because his pool isn’t fenced in and his guns weren’t locked up the way that they should be. And now Hawkeye is coming back at her by claiming that she threatened to expose “intimate videos” of him and says she smoked, boozed it up and did a little coke after giving birth. I’m kind of squinting at that part where he accuses her of doing coke once after their kid was born, because if I just gave birth to a human and that human was screaming and crying and the nanny wasn’t around, I’d probably take my nostrils snow skiing too. Yes, that comment was sponsored by White Oprah.
TMZ says that in documents Jeremy’s lawyer just filed, he says that Sonni is a gold digging mess who only married him for his money and to get a green card. According to Jeremy, Sonni is pretty much a shit mom, because she stopped breastfeeding Ava to booze it up and once left their baby all alone in the house after she took an Uber to party. Jeremy’s “roommate” also claims that Sonni snorted some coke on vacation after Ava was born and the “roommate” says that she’s threatening to EXPOSE a bunch of “intimate videos” if he doesn’t give her $13,000 a month in child support. TMZ didn’t say what’s on the videos, but they did let us know that they’re the bastion of integrity by saying that they would never post videos like that.
There’s Jeremy Renner and his “roommate” again. Every time I write about his “roommate,” I feel like a nosy church lady from the 60s saying, “You know, Ethel, his ‘roommate.’”
But what could be so scandalous or embarrassing about these “intimate videos”? Jeremy was in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and it can’t get more embarrassing than that, so I don’t even know. Is the video a tutorial of him showing you how to get that easy, breezy look with guyliner, because that’s not embarrassing. Is it a video of him morphing into his true self: Grumpy Cat? I don’t know, but I do know that now I’m going to spend even more time on PornHub. I’ll be searching “JEREMY RENNER INTIMATE VIDEOS” every 5 seconds hoping that Sonni leaked that shit on there.
And here’s thrilling pictures of Sonni doing house stuff last month:
Last September, one-time Playboy model and German rose Cathy Schmitz was inducted into the upper echelons of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame when she became the fifth wife of old ass Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner whose kind of famous for paying famous messes (see: Kim Kartrashian, Parasite Hilton, Brigitte Nielsen, etc…) to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball. Cathy and Richard dated for 7 months before legally uniting their love. 25-year-old Cathy and 82-year-old Sugar Grandaddy Richard were on Britain’s This Morning (via The Daily Mail) yesterday to push their reality special for Channel 5 called Age Gap Love and she pretty much stole Anna Nicole Smith’s flavor when she said that she married for love, not money. Uh huh, and I drink a disgusting, vomit-inducing, Jolly Green Giant jizz-tasting green protein shake for breakfast instead of a buttered Pop Tart because I actually like the taste and not because my doctor told me I have to stop eating like I’m one of Mama June’s poor children.
Wow, that was fast! Literally one week after they announced their engagement, Skeletor (aka Marc Anthony aka The Cryptkeeper’s sexy illegitimate son) and his on-again off-again model girlfriend Shannon de Lima got married. Listen, I’m all for a bitch getting money, but at least take a moment to stretch first! Gold digging is a high-impact activity and you don’t want to pull a muscle!
According to People, 46-year-old Skeletor and 26-year-old Shannon tied the knot on Tuesday in front of friends and family at
Snake Mountain at his home in the Dominican Republic. No word on whether or not the ceremony was officiated by Beast Man (I heard he’s an ordained minister of the Universal Church of Eternia).
Unless you’re a 90s-era Guns N’ Roses ran, it probably seems weird to have a wedding in the middle of November. And I’m sure Skeletor would have gotten hitched in the summer like every other wedding type, but he had to take care of his other two marriages first. Both Skeletor’s messy child support money fight with his first wife Dayanara Torres and his divorce from Jennifer Lopez were finalized in June. Like someone’s folksy memaw probably used to say: you gotta clean up one mess before you make another!
I think Shannon is a great match for Skeletor, and it’s not just because she’s clearly brave enough to have sex with a terrifying skeleton-faced man. It’s because Skeletor always looks like tired farted on exhausted, and she’s the perfect height for him to rest his head on her Tempur-Pedic titty balls and take a nap. Shannon, get money bitch! Skeletor, get some Zzzzzs.
Eli Roth, the man behind such works of pee-pantsing terror as Hostel, Hostel: Part 2, and the subsequent follow-up nightmares that played in my sleep every night for the 8 weeks following my viewing of Hostel and Hostel: Part 2, married his 22-year-old actress-slash-model girlfriend Lorenza Izzo in Chile on Saturday. Get it girl! Get that horror movie money!
Us Weekly says that 42-year-old Eli and H-to-the-Izzo exchanged vows in both English and Spanish on a beach in Zapallar, then ate a bunch of lamb and danced with their friends till 4am. They also ate popcorn out of boxes covered in pictures of themselves from various movies they’ve both been in (cut to all the memaws fighting over who gets the box with the picture of a sexy bat-wielding Eli from Inglourious Basterds on it). A guest also told Us Weekly the wedding of Eli and Lizzo McGuirenza had “a singer from Iceland, Brazilian dancers, and a standee for My Big Fat Chilean Wedding that everyone posed with!” “A singer from Iceland? Don’t tease, guest – was it or was it not Björk!
Eli Roth seems a spooky dude who cums fake blood and ghost screams, but I bet that behind all the scary is a soft-spoken stay-at-home type who curls up on the couch every night at 8pm with a home-made pumpkin spice latte to watch “his girls” (either Golden or Gilmore). Lorenza, on the other hand, may look like a boring model type, but check out those eyes – she got them Serial Killer Eyes! Those are the eyes you see staring back at you from behind a collection of rusty chainsaws in the basement of an abandoned house! I guess what I’m saying is – they’re perfect for each other? Mazel, you two nightmare makers!
Gabriel Aubry Can’t Get Steady Modeling Work Ever Since Olivier Martinez Punched The Pretty Out Of Him
On the left is Gabriel Aubry before Olivier Martinez wished his face a Happy Thanksgiving by turning it into a pile of mashed pretty in 2012 and on the right is Gabriel Aubry a few months ago. I know, Olivier Martinez’s fists should really be on death row for permanently beating the hot out of Gabriel’s face and transforming him from an adonis chiseled out of fine porcelain into a child-scaring fug face. Even Quasimodo is looking at Gabriel’s current day mug and saying, “Damn, stay inside, boo.”
Last month, Halle Berry’s lawyer filed papers in court to try to get Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support payment reduced from $16,000 to JUST $3,800. Halle cried that she’s sick of Gabriel mooching off of her and he can easily get his ass a job. Halle argued that $3,800 is enough to take care of their daughter Nahla’s expenses and he can make his own money to pay for his own expenses. Halle and Gabriel have 50/50 custody of Nahla.
TMZ says that Gabriel’s lawyer has clapped back at Halle. Gabriel has tried to get modeling work, but ever since crazy Halle’s crazy piece Olivier Martinez turned his face into a plate of chilaquiles on her driveway 2 years ago, his modeling career has dried up. Gabriel claims that it took 6 months for his face to heal back to normal and he’s only booked 3 modeling jobs since then. TMZ called Gabriel out by posting a picture of his face just a few weeks after it met Olivier’s fist and it looks all healed up. Gabriel never filed a civil suit against Olivier for messing with his hotness. The cops apparently thought at the time that Gabriel started the fight.
Halle’s lawyer also spit out a list of expenses that Gabriel uses Nahla’s child support cash on and argues that he can pay for all of this crap himself if he got a job:
$740 a month for Gabriel’s “Fitness”
$940 a month in clothing (Gabriel lists Nahla’s clothing expenses separately — $675 a month)
$700 a month for Gabriel’s health insurance
$1,975 a month in car expenses
$1,100 a month in furniture and electronics
Oh, the trials and tribulations of the rich! $740 on “Fitness“? Are the barbels he uses made out of solid gold? Is his personal trainer Jodie Marsh? Does he go to Equinox, because I’m pretty sure their monthly membership fee is a vital organ and or the deed to your soul. The $700 on health insurance makes sense. Gabriel has to get one of those premium plans, because his health and face are in danger as long as Olivier Martinez is still around.
But seriously, Gabriel’s money situation is worse than I thought. That $1,100 a month on furniture and electronics tells me that he might be getting his shit from a Rent-A-Center type place. MAN DOWN CODE 10. I really hope the judge sees that, immediately strikes down CrazyAsHelle Berry’s request and raises Gabriel’s monthly child support payment. Because none of us should be able to sleep at night knowing that Gabriel Aubry might be sleeping on a bed from Rent-A-Center!
Aspiring gold diggers of the world, drop your shovels, get on your knees and worship your new role model and goddess!
A Jena Maroney dream came to life at Vienna’s Schönbrunn palace over the weekend when alleged 24-year-old Cathy Schmitz, a German Playboy model, married 81-year-old Richard Lugner, an Austrian construction mogul. Richard Lugner is that crazy billionaire who pays a different famous trick a giant pile of money to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball every year. Richard gave 5 cent heffa whore Kim Kardashian $500,000 to be his date to the Ball last year and after he made that crazy decision, his family should’ve forced him into a mental hospital. But this weekend, Richard proved that he can still make great decisions by marrying this graceful German flower after knowing her for 6 months. Richard told The Local at his wedding that Cathy, who has a young daughter, is his fifth wife and he hopes this one sticks:
“Hopefully, this time it’s the right thing. Apart from the big age difference everything fits. Of course I argued less when I was alone, but a man needs a partner.”
I know, I shouldn’t call Cathy a gold digging goddess just yet. Hopefully, Cathy has learned from Anna Nicole’s mistakes and is going to make sure she’s in that will. Because nothing is more tragic and heartbreaking than a gold digger ending up with a handful of nothing after she’s spent months and years sucking cum dust out of a grizzled dick that looks like a wrinkle-faced bat. What am I saying? Of course this is true love and those twinkles in her dead eyes aren’t from her looking at his face and seeing the future headline that reads: 25-Year-Old Playboy Model Inherits Dead Billionaire Husband’s Entire Fortune. It’s real love. Cathy isn’t marrying that old ho for his money. She obviously doesn’t care about money since she bought her wedding dress for $8 at Party City.
And here’s more pictures of the stunning bride, who kind of looks like a Luna Lovegod doll filled with helium, and the groom who looks like Oswald Cobblepot’s pepaw.
Aspiring gold diggers and low-level star fuckers rejoice! TMZ says that after four months of dating, current obnoxious network television showtune screamer and future Legends in Concert Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele has made the dreams of her former trick-turning boyfriend Matthew Paetz come true by moving him out of his apartment and into her $1.4 million Hollywood home. Cut to all of Matthew’s former coworkers busting a celebratory nut in honor of Matthew’s flawless gold digging achievements.
A source claims that Matthew packed all his possessions into a U-Haul this weekend (a partially-used IKEA futon, 22 cheetah-print g-strings, a pack of Trojan Fire & Ice condoms, his client list) and moved in with his MILF-looking sugar mama. Next on his to-do list: quit his job (is “former hooker” a job?) so he can concentrate on executing his next gold digging move: trying to knock her up with a baby wannabe Barbra. You can do it Matthew! You’ve practically been training your whole life for this moment! I know you’ve got the house, but don’t get lazy Matthew; a good gold digger always keeps reaching for that dollar-covered rainbow!
I’m sure this crafty hooker thinks he’s hit the lottery, but he probably shouldn’t say sayonara to his shitty shared studio apartment in the valley just yet. He’s going to want a place to escape every day at 1pm when Lea gets day-drunk on boxed white wine and turns into her alter-ego, a horny middle-aged former stripper/aspiring Shih Tzu breeder named “Misty” who begs him to take her to Applebees for happy hours so they can role-play a game she calls ‘Sexy Cougar meets Desperate Gigolo’.
And here’s Lea and Matthew celebrating their terrible life decision/proud moment in shameless star fucking by calling the paps and going for a “hike” on Sunday. Lea truly has that new-hooker-roomate-attention-whore glow about her, doesn’t she? Or maybe that’s just the Urban Decay marshmallow-flavored body shimmer (cougars love edible body shimmer).