In case you missed her lastest transformation, Miley Cyrus is a strident feminist now. She’s no longer interested in catering her looks to the tastes of The Male Gaze. No, she’s shopping for feminist credentials now. As such, she’s gone and taken the sacred psalm of gold diggers, “Santa Baby“, and tried turning it into some sort of ham-fisted girl-power anthem. I’ve never been more insulted in my life.
Here’s Miley’s tongue-in-cheek take on “Santa Baby“, performed on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon:
May the ghost of Eartha Kitt haunt you for all your days and nights. Miley and Mark Ronson are clearly misreading the song. That shit ain’t about no actual Santa! So no, she’s not saying she’ll hook up with Santa if she buys all those things. That’s her daddy, and she already sucks his dick. What she’s saying is she will continue to suck his dick exclusively if he continues to come correct. She’s in the power position, Miley. Trust, daddy is sprung.
And I don’t want to hear about how Miley can afford her own “baller” car. Well goody for you, Miley. Not everybody is born with a silver spoon in their mouth. But with the right attitude and a passably attractive face, even the poorest among us can find their big come-up. Then they can buy their own damn spoon, have it engraved, and hang it alongside their picture in the Gold Digger Hall Of Fame.
Here’s the only version of Santa Baby I recognize. Let it be entered into the canon as the sacred song of triumphant gold diggers everywhere. Hallelujah!