If Charmed, Charlie’s Angeles and Wilson Phillips taught us anything, it’s that the power of 3 is unstoppable! So all of us peasants better spend our last few moments of freedom wearing color and smiling, because we’ll be banned from doing both of those things when the Trinity of Olsen Unholiness takes over the world. Half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to make our new overlords handmade cigarettes using French rolling papers, tobacco and the ashes of those who dared defy them! The other half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to hand-stitch panther hide caftans for our new leaders and their fellow evil-hearted rich friends. (I hope that whichever factory I’m thrown into, I’m assigned a spot next to Kimmy Gibbler so she can give me all the details of the Trollsens’ rise from cutesy toddlers to dictator gnomes.) When that happens, remember these pictures that served as a warning for the impending Olsen takeover!
At last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC, Elizabeth Olsen got sandwiched between Doom and Gloom as they all posed for pictures on the red carpet. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did themselves up like 1970s Santa Monica fortune tellers whose clients can always be seen going into their storefront but are never seen coming out. They did their sister/dark priestess-in-training up as an overgrown Ariana Grande Latte at a seance full of witches who buy all their clothes at White House|Black Market. What I’m trying to say is that the three of them together are more terrifying than the Macbeth witches!
But maybe there’s hope. In most of the pictures, Elizabeth Olsen is smiling and there’s a sparkle in her eye that I don’t think is from thinking about how she’s going to cackle into the night sky as she hears the pained cries of the mortals. I know, I’m trying to fool myself. She’s totally one of them now. I better learn how to sew.
The UK premiere for Captain America: Civil War happened earlier today, and if Deadline’s numbers are correct, it’s going to make a mess of money. They’ve already predicted it will make $200-$230 million overseas this week, and then another $200 million when it opens in North America a week later. Basically, it’s probably safe to assume that CA:CW is going to make Robert Downey Jr. even richer than he already is. With that being said, I would assume RDJ is in the kind of financial position that would prevent him from strolling onto a red carpet in a pair of truly busted DIY-looking pants, but apparently that’s not the case.
I do not know what kind of look RDJ’s stylist was going for here. Those little black flare panels appears to be a deliberate choice, but who knows? Maybe they’re the result of RDJ misplacing both his Spanxles™ (Spanx for cankles) and his spare pair of premiere pants, and frantically MacGyvering something together in the limo on the way over. “Quick! I need a pair of scissors, a glue gun, and the fabric from the lining of your jacket. I don’t care that you won’t get your deposit back from the uniform rental company, it’s a fashion emergency!”
Whatever the reason, I do know that Robert Downey Jr.s’ faux-flares are giving me major flashbacks to the summer before 10th grade when everyone was cutting open the bottom of their jeans and sewing in panels of fabric in an attempt to make their own raver pants. Yes, technically the flare panels are supposed to be on the outside of your leg and not the inside. But I’m willing to give RDJ a pass if, and only if, he’s also wearing a million bead bracelets on one of his arms and a metal ball necklace under that shirt.
Here’s more from the UK premiere of Captain America: Probably Better Than Batman v Superman.
The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”
The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.
As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!
“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.
“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.
“Yeah,” Stamos replied.
Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
Actor/model type Boyd Holbrook (no relation to Hal) and Elizabeth Olsen were a thing for about 3 years and they even got engaged. But they broke up last year and she maybe moved on to Loki’s peen. Elizabeth Olsen and this Boyd Holbrook dude never confirmed that they were engaged and they never came out and said that they were done bumping fuck parts. Everyone assumed they broke up, because she stopped wearing her engagement ring and they stopped going to events together. I know that the question, “What happened to the third Olsen sister and whatshisface?”, has been sitting in your brain for months. Well, Boyd finally broke his silence to Man of the World magazine about the day an Olsen quit him. Boyd says that his heart was already broken into a million pieces from finding out that his best friend David Armstrong had died and then Elizabeth Olsen came along and stomped on those broken pieces. via UsWeekly
“On the same day that my best friend died, I got a call from my girl to tell me it was over,” the Gone Girl actor told Man of the World in Issue No. 14. Though Holbrook didn’t mention Olsen by name, he was engaged to the actress when his best friend, photographer David Armstrong, passed away in October 2014 from liver cancer. He was 60.
“David was the first person in my life to encourage me,” said Holbrook, who was oftentimes photographed by the shutterbug. “He told me to do everything I wanted to do. No one had ever told me that before. He was a very important figure in my life. Important figure is not even close to what he was.”
Boyd says that the death of his best friend pushed him into a deep depression for a while.
If Elizabeth Olsen didn’t know that Boyd’s friend had died when she tossed their love into the dumpster, I can’t say that her heart is a Foreigner song. But if she did know and chose that day to dump his ass anyway, her heart is a charcoal shell filled with the blood of Satan and her sisters the Trollsens have never been more proud of her in their entire lives!
Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.
Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.
“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”
I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.