Category: David Carradine

Glamberace Is Single Again

April 5, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s always a sad day when a tiny Finnish cockatoo and a screeching gay raver Elvis can’t make it work. Glamberace tells South Florida Gay News that he and his reporter/host/reality show person boyfriend Sauli Koskinen are no longer putting on MAC eyeliner next to each other in the bathroom mirror. Glamberace says that about two months ago, their relationship started slowly crawling toward the exit door and I hope that scarf blouse Sauli is wearing followed it, because that never is and never was the look. This is what Madam Lambert said:

“It’s been kind of on its way out in the last couple of months. Sauli and I remain really good friends, and I know it’s a cliché thing to say. But it’s totally true. I just gave him a coffee and bagel earlier today. He’s a great person and we’ve had an amazing couple of years together. Things have just run their course.”

This really isn’t surprising, because dating a trick who uses as many hair products as you do is never a good idea. It will always ends in you crying over the empty tub of pomade that your boyfriend used up.  I don’t care if the dick makes me see Jesus and all the disciples, I will dump a whore if I open up my pomade and find a finger dent I know I didn’t make. That is grounds for a break-up. When Glamberace says that things “have just run their course,” he really meant that he just got sick of a bitch taking his diffuser attachment.

And here’s Glamberace looking like a rejected JEM! character while walking to The Abbey in West Hollywood with Raja from Drag Race last week.

Glamberace Is Not The New Freddie Mercury

February 3, 2012 / Posted by:

There’s a hurtful, soul-murdering rumor going around that’s making staches frown and rhinestones cry. The Daily Star, an esteemed British journal that tops The Daily Mail as the most reputable news source in the world, has threatened all of us by publishing a story today that claims Glamberace will screech his nipples off as the new leader singer of Queen. The quote they used from Glamberace has been scientifically proven to cause a bitch to slowly wall slide while letting out a silent cry of noooooooos.

“The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some fucking great songs. It’s to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would’ve been proud of.”

Don’t fall against the wall just yet, because apparently The Daily Star lifted this quote from a press conference for the 2011 MTV EMAs. Glamberace performed with Queen at the EMAs that year. Queen’s label, Hollywood Records, told Rolling Stone that Glambace is not slipping into Freddie Mercury’s latex ass huggers, but he might perform with them for one or two dates:

“The Daily Star item only mentions that Adam may perform with Queen at Sonisphere. This is not confirmed. Nothing has been signed. However, if this were to happen, Queen would be returning to the setting of their final concert with Freddie Mercury, which took place in 1986.”

So put a handful of glitter in your mouth and exhale out a glittery sigh of relief, because we’ve just dodged THE WORST THING THAT WOULD’VE EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC!!!!!! Okay, okay, maybe I’m turning on the dramatic cunt theatrics, but blame it on the humidifier next to me. You know what smoky vapors do to me. It makes me type in a Phantom of the Opera voice and just makes me EXTRA dramatic.

The truth is, Queen has been touring for years ever since Freddie Mercury floated up to the giant Spandex spool in the sky and I’ve seen them about as many times as I’ve eaten broccoli without mayo on top. ZERO! And how many times would I see them if Adam Lambert sang with them? ZERO! So this doesn’t really affect my ass. But you know, I’d probably pull myself away from the lure of my humidifier to see Queen if Christopher Lambert (as The Highlander) sang lead.

Natural Elegance Collides With Legendary Glamour At The Grove

January 9, 2012 / Posted by:

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare’s Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap’s camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP’s “Fraggle Rock refugee” ensemble, but you’ll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it’s time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here’s Chicken Cutlets talking about how she’s been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

Glamberace Arrested In Finland For Whoopin’ On His Piece

December 22, 2011 / Posted by:

Haven’t we all been there before? You’re leaning against the bar at Helsinki’s biggest gay club and the sweet nectar is numbing your good judgement as you’re getting a little high from sniffing the toxic hairspray fumes wafting down from the gigantic hair cliff on your head. Life is beautiful, but then it all changes when your eyes scan the room and you catch your Finnish piece doing some shit your drunk self does not approve of. The “dramatic cunt theatrics” switch in your brain goes on and suddenly you’re doing the kind of shit that Klymaxx used to write songs about. You start fighting with your boyfriend inside of the club and it spills out onto the street.

You’re slapping at him like your name is Sharon Stone and Martin Scorsese’s got a camera on you. Usually, it ends with you huffing on home by yourself and passing out on the living room floor while a plate of nachos is half shoved into your pie hole. You wake up with the mangled carcass of a nacho chip dangling out of your mouth and you crawl over to the sofa to wake your boyfriend up with the stank breath cloud of hungover regret that comes out of your mouth when you whisper, “I’m sorry.” But that’s not how it ended for Glamberace and his boyfriend Sauli Koskinen.

Ilta-Sanomat and TMZ both report that Glamberace and Sauli were arrested last night in Helsinki after getting into a fight in front of a gay club. Before the police arrived, Glamberace got psychical with a few people who tried to break up the fight. Both Glamberace and Sauli were taken into custody. They were questioned and later released, because neither of them had brawl bruises on them. This morning (aka THE MORNING AFTER….dun..dun…dun), Sauli wrote this on his blog:

“Publicity is not easy, but also celebrities are just human. Love is not easy either, but it lasts forever!”

Err, nope. Love does not last forever. Love ends for me when a ho fucks with my buzz by dragging me out of a club to beat my ass on the street. But drunken love brawls happen and the witnesses did get a special Christmas gift in the form of watching a Goth Heat Miser scrapping with a Finish twinkie who has hair like a butch My Little Pony.

Glam Miser

May 26, 2011 / Posted by:

At the American Idol finale last night, Glamberace showed us what would it look like if Snow Miser sat hard on Heat Miser’s head and turned his flaming torch of follicles into a pile of ashes just itching for a phoenix (or whatever bird is available) to rise from it. If my abuelita saw this, she’d throw a plastic garbage bag over Glamberace’s hair and then toss it with the others in the backyard.

My abuelita was a hoarder decades before Hoarders existed. She used to keep bags of fireplace ash in the backyard for reasons unknown. Maybe she thought if she mixed the ashes with a little water she could use it paint her hair roots black. Or maybe she figured that if we ever acted the fool in the backyard, she’d have something heavy to hit us with. Thankfully, I was never hit with a bag of fireplace ash.

Here’s more of Glamberace with his tiny boyfriend Sauli Koskinen (or is it, Giant Glamberace with his normal-sized boyfriend) last night.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

January 19, 2011 / Posted by:

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually miss Glamberace’s old “if K.D. Lang and an Elvis-impersonating unicorn mated in an Adam Antfarm” look. This revelation hit me after I went through these pictures of him at the premiere party for RuPaul’s Drag Race 3 in West Hollywood last night. What flavor of Pixie Dust was Glamberace on when his style team gathered around him before the event and said, “It’s going to be finger waving FIERCE! We’re going to make you look like a 45-year-old Ke$ha who is forced to pay off her tab at the free clinic by singing The Cure songs at a retirement center for old goths in Sedona, Arizona.” Why did he sign off on that?

When you accept an invitation to a Drag Race party, you better show up looking like a disco ball birthed you out in a kiddie pool filled with glitter. There better be a sparkle twinkling out of every single pore. Glamberace, please return those JNCO lady jeans to my raver cousin who refuses to let go out of the late 90s.

Here’s a few beauties from last night’s party who chose to sparkle in some way, shape or form. In order (after Glamberace): Bobby Trendy, Delta Work, Mimi Imfurst, Morgan McMichaels, Ongina, Raven, Ru, Shannel, Stacy Layne Matthews, Tammie Brown, Vanessa Williams and Madonna Venus D Lite.

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