File this under: Something you really wanted and needed to know in order to go on with your life.
Oliver Hudson (aka Kate Hudson’s brother, Goldie Hawn’s son, that hot douche Jeff from Nashville and the 90s-loving dad from Scream Queens) was on Conan the other night and the conversation somehow went from how he gained a bunch of chunk in New Orleans to how he got his dick bush waxed off. Oliver told Conan O’Brien that his wife promised him certain “things” if he made his crotch look like that of a porn star’s or like that of a dude on Grindr who’s trying to make his dick look bigger. So Oliver got all of his crotch furs ripped out.
Okay, but what I want to know is, what sort of things did his wife promise him? My guess is that she promised to blow him if he went bare down there. If that’s the case, the hell kind of Where The Wild Things Are situation is going on down there? Did she not want to suck it before because it would be like sucking on a dog tail? Is Oliver half Pinhead and so his pubes are like needles and his wife didn’t want to poke her eyeball out while giving him a beej? Damn, Oliver should submit his pubes to science to be studied.
And I don’t know if it’s the cold medicine talking, but seeing Tom Jones in that turtleneck did things to me. Please tell me it’s the cold medicine talking.
Last month, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans apologized for calling Black Widow a slut and a whore during the disastrous and messy press tour for the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Jeremy and Chris were asked by Digital Spy UK what they think about fans wanting Black Widow to hook up with their characters. Grumpy Cat’s face twin said, “I think she’s a slut,” and Chris Evans called her a “complete whore.” After they got dragged through a shit puddle by the Internet and Marvel fans, Jeremy spit out a slightly sarcastic “I’m sooooo sorry” apology:
“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”
Since the Avengers has opened and made a mountain of money, Jeremy can go back to saying whatever the hell he wants. On the same day that Joss Whedon quit Twitter over fans criticizing him for the “sexist” portrayal of Black Widow, Jeremy went on Conan where he threw his previous apology away and continued calling Black Widow a big slut:
“Yeah, I got a lot of Internet trouble. I guess that’s the thing now. I was asked a question, ‘So Black Widow has been linked to Hawkeye, Iron Man, Bruce Banner and Captain America and so what do you think of that.’ I said sounds like she’s a slut. Mind you I was talking about a fictional character and fictional behavior. But if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut. Just saying. I’d be a slut. Just saying.”
I don’t really know the Avengers, but I thought all of the Avengers (except for Captain America who’s a virgin, apparently) did each other, because there’s really nobody else to do? It’s kind of like how on TV shows the characters are always swapping sex partners, because they don’t have a lot of options? But still, boning only four out of six Avengers does not make one a slut. That’s nothing! Jeremy needs to stop saying that, because it’s offensive to us real sluts and it’s probably offensive to Tony Stark who I hear is the real hussy harlot of the Avengers.
And Hawkeye is probably just bitter, because nobody wants to fuck him. Will one of the Avengers please give Hawkeye some pity ass he can stop.
Long before Damon Lindelof’s depressing grief porn The Leftovers started airing, Justin Theroux’s Brazilian steakhouse dick and balls became the breakout stars of the show when paparazzi took pictures of them doing jumping jacks in his tight sweats while filming a running scene for the pilot on Long Island last year. Justin’s Chuck Full O’Nuts made its first appearance on the pilot episode and a second appearance on the most recent episode. I’m glad that producers didn’t try to cover it up with a shrub or a bear or something, because now his flopping bulge is a shoo-in to win Best Guest Actor in a Drama at the Emmys next year.
Justin was on Conan last night and Conan O’Brien did his job as a citizen by bringing up the floppy piece in Justin’s sweats. Conan said that all the women on his staff wanted to know everything about the bouncing bulge. Was it a twisted mic cord? Was he free balling it? Was he wearing a mold of Cisco Adler’s yo yo nuts? Is his bulge a major plot point and soon we’ll learn that the missing are in Justin’s pants? Justin said that he didn’t know his pendulum peen was a thing until he shot the second running scene. When Justin went to get his costume for the second scene, there were two pairs of underwear hanging in the dressing room and he thought he got to choose. But the costumer let him know that he had to wear both, because when he runs, his dick and balls look like three Beanie Babies fighting in a small tent.
So on the last episode of The Leftovers, Justin was wearing TWO pairs of panties and his dick still swung around so much that my eyes went back and forth like I was watching a tennis game in fast forward. Dear The Hammaconda, a new challenger has arrived!
But really, Jon Hamm is not impressed. The Mad Men costumers have to hold The Hammaconda down with duct tape, Super Glue, chains and four professional alligator wrestlers and it still can’t be contained.
Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin’s hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!
If you’re one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here’s President Obama’s act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard’s bangs and Tracy Morgan.
Here’s Conan’s act and if you ain’t got time for it, his best line was, “President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen.”
I don’t know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn’t invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.
One day you’re wiping up another child’s barf as the nanny, then you’re humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you’re chasing him down with a golf club and then you’re bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way.
TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice’s “living in a used house is gross” way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement.
Isn’t this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game.
But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you….ALANA!
“I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!” is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child.
AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa’s whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who’s winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you’re looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi’s lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.
Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don’t only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar’s source had this to say about Demi’s new “romance“:
“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”
Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn’t work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for Demi. I’ve always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar’s true soulmate awaits.
I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent’s eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it’s a shame they don’t wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:
In case you haven’t already figured it out, that tingly sensation you’re feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.