File this under: Something you really wanted and needed to know in order to go on with your life.
Oliver Hudson (aka Kate Hudson’s brother, Goldie Hawn’s son, that hot douche Jeff from Nashville and the 90s-loving dad from Scream Queens) was on Conan the other night and the conversation somehow went from how he gained a bunch of chunk in New Orleans to how he got his dick bush waxed off. Oliver told Conan O’Brien that his wife promised him certain “things” if he made his crotch look like that of a porn star’s or like that of a dude on Grindr who’s trying to make his dick look bigger. So Oliver got all of his crotch furs ripped out.
Okay, but what I want to know is, what sort of things did his wife promise him? My guess is that she promised to blow him if he went bare down there. If that’s the case, the hell kind of Where The Wild Things Are situation is going on down there? Did she not want to suck it before because it would be like sucking on a dog tail? Is Oliver half Pinhead and so his pubes are like needles and his wife didn’t want to poke her eyeball out while giving him a beej? Damn, Oliver should submit his pubes to science to be studied.
And I don’t know if it’s the cold medicine talking, but seeing Tom Jones in that turtleneck did things to me. Please tell me it’s the cold medicine talking.
Sweaty panties magnet Sir Tom Jones says that when he first came to America (I almost typed “came on America,” which probably would’ve been more fitting), many people thought he was black. The Welshman who’s been inducing coochie seizures for decades tells The London Times Magazine (via NYDN) that because of his voice and curly hair, some people have assumed that he’s part black. Carlton Banks’ idol is curious himself and so he’s going to get his DNA tested.
“A lot of people still think I’m black. When I first came to America, people who had heard me sing on the radio would be surprised that I was white when they saw me. Because of my hair a lot of black people still tell me I’m just passing as white.
When I was born, my mother came out in big dark patches all over her body. They asked if she had any black blood and she said she didn’t know. I’m going to get my DNA tested. I want to find out.”
The part about his mother being asked if she’s black because of the dark patches on her body made me squint. I thought it’s not unusual for a lady to get dark patches on her body after labor. And yes, I commented on that only because I wanted to slide “it’s not unusual” in there.
Sir Tom is totally giving Rachel Dolezal ideas. Expect her to scream the words “VINDICATED, BITCHES!” when her Ancestry.com DNA results show that she’s 0.0000000000000000001% African.
And I don’t know if Sir Tom is part black, but I’d bet my monthly weed budget that he’s at least 25% Oompa Loompa.