Erin Heatherton Quit Victoria’s Secret Because She Was Too Fat For Them

Modeling panties for Victoria’s Secret is hard work. First, you’ve got to be able to walk a straight line (my clumsy ass is out). Then you’ve got to be able to walk down the runway without your coochie lips making a break for it out the sides of said panties. Not to mention that you’ve got to do it all while wearing one of Lady Gaga’s rejected tour costumes (rejected for not looking busted enough). And according to former Victoria’s Secret Angel Erin Heatherton, you also have to be as skinny enough to fit into a pair of panties the size of a dancer’s foot thong.

Erin, or as Leonardo DiCaprio knows her, Model #6201-4, recently admitted to TIME (via the New York Post) that she was told to drop some pounds after her last two Victoria’s Secret runway shows. So she started working out hard and eating healthy, even though I’m sure Victoria’s Secret was totally willing to send her a tapeworm. “Erin, meet your new best friend, Tapey. You’ll be strutting down that runway to the tune of your own bones jingling like a xylophone in no time!”

Eventually Erin says she got to the point where she came home from a workout and thought about saying “Fuck it” to eating food. She wasn’t able to lose any more weight in time for her final VS show in 2013 (the one you’re looking at above), and shortly after the show, she handed in her wings and quit. TIME says they didn’t get a response from Victoria’s Secret after they asked them about Erin’s story. Well, DUH. Of course they’re not going to blab; it’s called Victoria’s Secret for a reason.

If Erin’s story is true and she was told to start sipping bottles of calorie-free air to get skinny enough for the show, then I think it’s safe to say that Cheryl Tiegs just fell in love.

Pic: Wenn.com

Kendall Jenner Banned The KKKKs From The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Kendall Jenner walked in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show yesterday, because a dried alfalfa sprout wasn’t available and because the powers-that-be figure that at least a tenth of her 41 million Instagram followers aren’t bots and will watch when it airs next month. Kendall and fellow rich kid turned ~high fashun~ model Gigi Hadid both made their VS Fashion Show debuts and you’d think that the entire koven would be in the front row since lots and lots of cameras were present. But Kendall told the NYDN that only Caitlyn Jenner and Pimp Mama Kris (and Tyga, who was there for some reason) were allowed to come and her sisters were told to keep their rubber asses away.

“I told them all to stay away. It was too much pressure and I was like, ‘Mom and Dad are good enough.’ I just need the pressure off. There’s enough pressure as it is.”

You can laugh at Kendall saying “pressure” three times about walking and smiling while wearing lingerie, but “walking and smiling while wearing lingerie” is the most work any Kartrashian trick has ever done and that definitely makes her the most accomplished one. But I get what Kendull is saying. I mean, she already had to deal with PMK screaming, “YAAAASSS! Smile those twat lips real wide for the cameras, bitch,” from the front row and imagine if the other plastic wrecks were there too. Half of them would’ve tried to get all the attention by showing up in nothing but a dangly anus ring and rhinestone pasties. And as soon as Khloe Kartrashian spotted feathers on a model, her animal hunting instincts would’ve kicked in and she would’ve leaped onto the catwalk and bit that poor woman. Nobody wants to see some Planet Earth shit at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. So yeah, Kendall made a good kall.

And here’s a million pictures from the VS show, which was equal parts “costumes in a Woodstock porn parody” and “costumes in a Burning Man-themed floor show at the least popular casino in Reno.”

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Got That Shit-Talking Model Jessica Hart Fired From This Year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Let that be a lesson to everyone – don’t fuck with The Butterscotch Don, or she’ll make your ass disappear! Last year, professional panty model Jessica Hart made the biggest mistake of her life when she said that Taffy Sinclair’s famous showbiz cousin Taylor Swift “didn’t fit in” with the rest of the models during the 2013 Victoria’s Secret fashion show. At the time, there were rumors going around that Tay Tay had Jessica fired, but the president of VS assured everyone that it was bullshit and they planned to work with Jessica in the future.

The only problem is that it appears all future work needs to be cleared with Her Majesty Tay Tay first. According to the NY Daily News, a Victoria’s Secret insider (Leo DiCaprio’s penis) says that before Tay Tay agreed to perform at this year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London, she had Jessica pulled from the line-up:

“It’s not been announced that Jessica is not walking, but it was a direct request from Taylor that this be the case if she were to go. No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”

So far, the only comment Jessica has made regarding the whole thing is this Instagram post wishing all the models good luck at the show tonight, which means she’s totally watching the show at home with a bag of chips on her futon like the rest of us. Meanwhile, Taylor is cackling into her dressing room mirror like Ursula when she became a human while one of her cats updates the Jessica Hart page in her Burn Book.

But honestly, I think Taylor might be taking what Jessica said a bit too seriously. I think when Jessica said she “didn’t fit in”, she simply meant there wasn’t enough room in Leo DiCaprio’s fancy panty pussy pyramid backstage. The pussy pyramid can only hold 16!

Here’s Her Majesty Tay Tay arriving at the VS show in London, as well as the other arrivals, like her ginger BFF Ed Sheeran, and Daisy Lowe, who always looks like a goddamn party:

Pics: Wenn.com

Victoria’s Secret Model Adriana Lima Hooked Up With Justin Bieber In Cannes

There’s a reason this picture is blurry: the photographer didn’t want to be around when Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator crew popped out from behind Justin Bieber and asked Adriana Lima to take a seat. I don’t blame them; I already feel like my name has been added to a list for just writing the words “Adriana Lima hooked up with Justin Bieber”.

Adriana Lima has been divorced from her tiny-faced ex-husband for all of 0.2 seconds and already she’s managed to hunt down and hook up with the most embarrassing rebound in the history of rebounds. According to Us Weekly, Adriana Lima and My Buddy’s shitty spoiled cousin from Canada attended the same 1 Oak party in Cannes. A source says that 20-year-old Justin spotted 32-year-old Adriana and “pursued her hard” (ew), talking non-stop at the party and eventually going home together around 5am. Adriana then carried a tuckered-out Lil’ Justin upstairs, changed him into a clean set of Spider-Man PJs and a fresh diaper, read Goodnight Moon till he fell asleep, then turned on his Ocean Wonders Aquarium and called a cab.

Or maybe they did have sex. In which case, Justin has now allegedly humped on two Victoria’s Secret Angels, the first being toddler-faced model Miranda Kerr. Not to mention it was rumoured he had also tried to rub his wispy little dirt-stache on VS model Barbara Palvin. So in theory, it’s technically three. It’s like Justin Bieber is becoming the Scrappy-Doo to Leonardo DiCaprio’s Scooby-Doo (you know, if Scooby-Doo was a bloated rich dude who spends his free time banging underwear models).

Pic: Instagram

Biebs In Toyland

No, Justin is not thinking to himself, “Why isn’t my flower as sparkly as hers?”

Selena Gomez let Justin Bieber stay up waaaay past his bedtime last night so that he could yodel out a few songs at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC. While dressed up like some kind toddler mental patient in the Tron universe, the Biebs got a front row lesson on the female anatomy as each modeled sashayed by him. Selena Gomez totally regretted signing that parental consent form. When the Biebs came home, he didn’t stop asking her about all those funny-looking girl parts and yes, Selena bought that children’s book about private parts, but she didn’t think she’d have to pull it out for a few more years. Not only that, but it looks like the Biebs got so excited that he made a mess in his diaper pants. So Selena had to have the “vagina talk” and change the Biebs’ diaper pants. Nobody said it easy raising a Bieby on your own.

It’s The Annual Parade Of Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s Past Girlfriends

“As a multi-racial panty company our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new Poke-a-hotass bra and panties set was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. We consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, and they told us Disney got it all wrong. Chief Powhatan was really a skinny dirty blonde girl from Chicago who wore leopard panties and bought all of her jewelry at tourist shops in Santa Fe. We sincerely apologize on behalf of the dumb dumbs at Disney and all of the high school history teachers who obviously got the history of the Native American people wrong. They should really update their books or something.

Love, kisses and woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woos – VS”

That is the exact statement Victoria’s Secret is going to release after everybody freaks out about the mess of an outfit they put Karlie Kloss in. Moving on…

Memory lane walked in front of Leonardo DiCatchAHo last night when Victoria’s Secret held their annual tits, ass and panties show in NYC. Although, every model there probably told reporters, “OHMYGAWD, I ate a dog, four hamburgers, six cakes, an entire Arby’s and then I sucked off a Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven“, I’m sure most of them have only eaten cigarette smoke and soda can sweat for the last two weeks. Victoria’s Secret wants them to be skinnier than a ladybug’s antennae, but they also want them to have the strength of a linebacker. Look at all that shit they have to carry on their backs. Victoria’s Secret takes their models to Michael’s and then goes down the aisle, throwing all sorts of craft crap on their backs. “You see that whole bin of plastic orchids over there? Tie it to that blonde one’s back. There’s a deconstructed parade float in the alley, throw it on Adriana. And that broken down Las Vegas hotel sign over there? Strap it to that other blonde.“

After the show, the president of VS had two of the angels come over to his apartment and carry his grand piano on their backs down four flights of stairs. There really needs to be a Victoria’s Secret Angels moving company.