Vanilla Gorilla And Kat Von D Are Getting Married This Summer

Vanilla Gorilla has used his hailin’ fist to beat down the rumor that his engagement to Katherine von Drachenberg is no more. Life & Style ran story claiming that Vanilla Gorilla told his friends that Kat Von D is too much drama and he’s not interested in making her the fourth wife he’ll totally fuck over in the worst way. But Vanilla Gorilla told People that there’s no trouble trashadise and everything’s going according to plan. In fact, VG tells People that he and Kat Von D will beat the dead carcass that is marriage by becoming husband and wife on their one-year anniversary as a couple:

“We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us. That day can’t come soon enough! Everything is on track. I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.”

Of course their one-year anniversary is in August. Most big cities in August reek of grilled dog shit, baked kitty litter, rancid hamburger juice and dirty flip-flop butter so nobody will notice when the disgusting fumes of trash waft from VG and Kat’s lips during their first kiss as a married couple. No, seriously, if VG insists on trying to make marriage work for him, I’ll tell him the same thing I tell my Chihuahua when he tries to butt hump a Labrador at the dog park: “Have fun trying, bitch, because it’s never going to happen.”

Jesse James Says Kat Von D Is A “Vixen” In Bed

Vanilla Gorilla writes in his memoirs that he never felt he was on the same level as Sandra Bullock, because she’s a high-class movie star with refinement running through her veins and he’s a piece of trash biker kid who listens to his music too loud. VG goes on to write that he felt trapped being married to Sandra which is one of the reasons why he licked on every tattooed labia in the skank bouquet. There’s one way he’s putting the blame on Sandra. VG subtlety put more blame on Sandra yesterday during an interview with Howard Stern. But before we get to that mess, here’s what VG had to say when Howard asked him if his ex-wife was better at sex shit than his current fiancee. You already know the answer.

Howard: Who’s more fun in bed? Sandra Bullock or Kat Von D?

Jesse: That one’s an easy no-brainer.

Howard: ….Kat Von D

Jesse: Yes, sir. Hundred percent.

Howard: Hundred percent?

Jesse: She’s a vixen, man. I love her.

Howard: What is she doing in that bed? She must be hanging from the ceiling.

Jesse: She just… Man, the way she just gets in my head and makes me feel. You know, it’s a mental thing. Just connected on a whole different level.

If Sandra Bullock has the stuff that makes nutsacks burst into the clouds above and open a pathway to heaven for the angels’ voices to travel through, this bitch would still say Kat Von D. If Kat Von D gave head like a catatonic turtle and laid there like an al dente lasagna noodle, he’d still say Kat Von D. The answer to that question is: who ever he’s currently fucking. Therefore that question and answer are both invalid. Moving on…. Howard then brought up a very good point.

Howard: If she cheated on you, you’d be devastated. You’d understand the hurt that Sandra went through.

Jesse: If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.

See, another slight dig followed by a slap of blame. Vanilla Gorilla is full of so much cold shit that it’s starting to back up and trickle out of his mouth. Even an enema the size of the Hoover Dam can’t clear him out.

Kat Von D should really take his words as a dare and scoot her poon all over everywhere. Let her vag flag fly without shame! Just leave a trail and see what he does then. Take him up on that, Kat!

via Radar

Jesse James Boo Hoos Over Not Seeing Baby Louis

Vanilla Gorilla packed up his whore couch and swastika nipple charms and moved from California to Austin, Texas so that his daughter Sunny could spend more time Sandra Bullock and so that he could bask in Baby Louis’ impeccable side-eye action. This is not how it’s playing out. VG is bawling into his crying cloth, because Baby Louis is picking up the phone and slamming it down when he calls. Baby Louis will not bless VG by throwing a shank eye at him live and in person. That would make me weep too, actually.

Vanilla Gorilla’s got a memoir to whore out and he sat down with Vicki Mabrey of Nightline to talk about what life has been like since shit (being his dick) hit the shit (being Bombshell McGee). Even though VG and Sandra inhale the same Texas oxygen, he’s barely seen her face and she’s only hung out with Sunny twice. Get your shit a floatie and ride on the pool of herp pus tears that flowed out of VG’s eyes:

“I’ve never seen Louis since everything happened, so a year. Sunny has only seen Sandra couple of times, but there has been no contact at all for several months.

I could only cry so much about [Louis] until I have to suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and realize, Hey, [there are] three kids that I do have. I need to take care of them and not worry about the one that I don’t, you know, and I think that’s the lesson.

[Moving to Texas and closing West Coast Choppers was a way] to get out of California. I think I was just dad again. And like, eliminated all of the things that distracted me from being a dad. … I think we’re all connecting better. I think for the first time in their lives, they can depend on me to be there and I think the life here is better, you know, for the family.”

My stepmother was a one-legged cunt witch (no relation to Heather Mills) who served us half-baked almond cookies and made us sleep on her living room floor with just couch cushions and scratchy throws (WORSE THAN PRISON!), so I pretty much hopped a jig when she moved far far away and never contacted us again. But if the one-legged cunt witch gave me a real pillow to sleep on and served me fully baked almond cookies, I would’ve been sort of sad to never talk her again. However, I’m sure it would’ve been awkward for her to serve me fully baked almond cookies while looking into the face that is directly connected to the man who fucked his side pieces in her guest bathroom. I don’t know. But I do know that Sunny is lucky that her daddy picked up Kat Von D so she has a new female figure to look up to. I’m sure they’ll bond when Kat gives Sunny her first neck tattoo in a couple of months.

Now This Is A Real Show

Coachella can go and suck the desert dust out of its cooch, because the real party went down on top of a table at The Gay and Lesbian Center benefit when Juliette Lewis defied the laws of tight white pants by rage squatting during her band’s performance. That bottle of wine doesn’t know whether to pop its cork or sit real still hoping that her crotch thetans don’t suck it right in. I’m no pelvic expert, but Juliette looks like she could Kegel up a suction tunnel so I’m thinking the latter happened. Juliette also wasn’t alone on the table, Cyndi Lauper threw her ass up there during her performance. You know your weekend has been made when you’re staring into the crotch of a legend.

And no, you’re not the only one who is looking at those bottles of sweet sweet nectar like a worried parent watching their toddler play in the sand box around a bunch of rowdy ass brats. Juliette is a poot and scoot away from sending that beautiful bottle crashing to the floor. I’m all for stomping on a table, but make sure the innocents (aka the bottle of booze) are safe and sound first.

Here’s a few more pictures of Juliette and Cyndi hollerin’ for the gays in L.A. last night. Chely Wright, her fiancee, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D also showed up. Hopefully, a bold gay with taste snatched that gutter garbage wig right off of Kat Von D’s head and put it back on the end of a mop where it belongs. That wig is seven pounds of BUSTED.

Kat Von D And Vanilla Gorilla’s True Love Continues To Bloom

….as do the vomitous bubbles that form on your eyeballs when you see these two together. Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla celebrated her 29th birthday yesterday by partaking in a good old-fashioned photo-op on the roof of a parking garage in Santa Monica, CA. Kat told the paps that she wanted a picture to remember her special day. Kat, who wore Shaggy’s favorite vacation outfit, also wanted to give the tabloids a precious cover picture to tear in two with Photoshop when Vanilla Gorilla’s swastidick gets caught in another trick’s poon. Kat is considerate like that.

And VG is always heiling Hitler with his entire body. Like he’s as stiff as a rigamortized dick. I bet that VG killed the “stiff as a board” part during the “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” game.

Vanilla Gorilla Brings Flat Stanley Into It

A picture of Vanilla Gorilla smiling at the camera like a dumb fuck asshole while his friend gives a Hitler salute in the passenger seat isn’t going to make anybody’s yarmulke flip, but this portrait of a Flat Hitler might. What kind of cunt monster defaces an innocent FLAT STANLEY?! Oh here go hell come. I do not want to know the places Flat Hitler visited (probably the concentration camp for crabs in Bombshell McGee’s crotch).

UsWeekly found the pictures on the Facebook page of one of Vanilla Gorilla’s ex-employees. The picture on the left was taken back in 2004 and posted in October. Someone close to Vanilla Gorilla still swears that he’s not an anti-Semite. He’s just into history. The source explains, “He’s into history. The swastika deal is to scare people. It’s part of biker culture.”

That’s almost like a sucio motherfucker using the “I’m just an animal lover” excuse when they get caught with bestiality porn. But really. Flat Stanley Hitler is not funny. But I’m sure Mel Gibson is amused. An object that hates Jews and can’t talk back? Laminate the bitch and Mad Mel has just found his new girlfriend.