Vanilla Ice’s Wife Doesn’t Want To Be Married To Him Anymore

TMZ says that Vanilla Ice’s wife Laura Van Winkle has answered Ice, Ice Baby’s question: “Will it ever stop?“, and the answer is: “Yes, after almost 20 years.”

Laura filed papers on Tuesday to divorce her husband of 19 years Vanilla Ice (aka Rob Van Winkle) in Florida where they live. Apparently there was a problem that Ice couldn’t solve, and it was his marriage. Sources say Ice and Laura have been separated for a few years, and filing for divorce was Laura’s way of making their split official. So the chance of him being able to convince her to stop, collaborate on a reconciliation is pretty unlikely. Laura said in the papers that she wants to keep the house they live in and also wants him to pay her lawyers bill. If you currently live in one of the homes Vanilla Ice flipped for The Vanilla Ice Project, don’t be surprised if he shows up with a trash bag of his stuff asking if you’ll let him crash in the basement for a couple nights.

Vanilla Ice and Laura have two daughters, whose names sound like cocktails from Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, 18-year-old Dusti Rain and 16-year-old KeeLee Breeze.

This divorce is terrible timing for Vanilla Ice! Ryan Lochte admitted earlier this month that he became good friends with Vanilla Ice after meeting on Dancing with the Stars, but it’s not like they’ll be able to experience the sloppy single life together because Ryan just got engaged. You know who really loses here? The ladies of Spring Break 2017. They’ll never experience the crotch-melting hotness of getting tag-team hit-on by Ice Man and Water Boy.

Pic: Splash

It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”

Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.

This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.

Continue reading

Vanilla Ice Says There’s Nothing Offensive About Adam Sandler’s Latest Movie

The Ghost of Iggy Azalea Future Vanilla Ice, seen above dressed as Mark Twain’s AXE-spritzing Monster-chugging pimped-out stage coach-driving dirtbag brother Gary ‘Greazy G’ Twain (at least that’s I’m assuming) in Adam Sandler’s upcoming film The Ridiculous 6, wants you to know that it’s not nearly as offensive to Native Americans as those Native American actors who walked off set last week claim it is.

Vanilla Ice defended The Ridiculous 6 to TMZ yesterday, saying that it’s “a comedy” and that it’s not “Dancing with Wolves.” I don’t know what “Dancing with Wolves” is, but it sounds like a Seltzer-Friedberg parody of Dances with Wolves starring Taylor Lautner and the cast of Dancing With The Stars, so I’m in. Vanilla says he wasn’t on set the day the Native American actors quit, but if he wants to see what it looked like, there’s now a video of the R6 producers telling the actors to leave if they’re offended by the script.

He then went on to say they’re just making a funny movie before adding that he’s “part Choctaw” and he sees both sides of the issue. Today I learned: Vanilla Ice is totally that girl you know who dresses up as a slutty Indian every Halloween because she’s 1/98th “Chickasaw…Chik-fil-a…chickasomething“, so it’s totally cool.

Vanilla Ice was the wrong person to ask about this shit, because that picture above is probably the most offensive thing I’ve seen about The Ridiculous 6. How dare a dude in lazy Mark Twain drag throwing white guy gang signs take up valuable space from true A-list talent like David Spade and Rob Schneider. Until you make a movie as good as Joe Dirt or The Hot Chick, aka two of the greatest films ever made, your ass stands in the back row. Second-from-the-left is a spot you earn, Vanilla!

Pic: Instagram

Yo, Lantana PD, Let’s Kick It!

So, today, we’ve written about Afroman, Xander from Buffy, Tom DeLonge and now I’m writing about Vanilla Ice. Fuck who ever owns Alisted.com, because if it wasn’t taken I’d change Dlisted’s name to that.

CNN says that Iggy Azalea’s spirit animal was arrested in Lantana, FL today after he allegedly stole a pool heater and some furniture from a house that’s going through foreclosure. Yup, all of that sounds about right. Vanilla Ice (born name: Robert Van Winkle, which to me still sounds like the name of a wholesome narrator of a children’s Christmas special in the 60s) was renovating a house while shooting an episode of his show The Vanilla Ice Project for the DIY Network when he thought it would be okay for him to steal some shit from a nearby house that nobody was living in.

The burglary happened sometime between December and February. The owner of the house found out about it and called the police. Some of the stuff Vanilla Ice stole was found and recovered. He was charged with grand theft and burglary. Above is his mug shot, which looks like Frankenstein’s monster if Frankenstein made his monster using a douche bag and an Ed Hardy energy drink. The Lantana PD pushed out this statement:

“During the investigation, it was determined Robert Matthew Van Winkle played a role in the burglary and theft. Mr. Van Winkle is currently renovating the residence adjacent to the property in which the items were stolen. A search warrant was obtained and executed in unincorporated Palm Beach County in which several of the stolen items were recovered at a residence under the care and control of Robert Van Winkle.”

“Um, can we also press charges against this ass for grand theft,” asked David Bowie and Queen.

I bet everyone who said that Vanilla Ice was a fake and wasn’t hard are squirting ketchup all over their words and getting ready to eat them, because he has proven that he is about that life. Because nothing is harder than stealing a pool heater from a house in a Florida subdivision for a home renovation show. Latarian Milton is bowing down, because this is stage 10 hood rat stuff.

And you’ll most likely read this exact same story again in a few more years, but instead of being about Vanilla Ice, it will be about that swagmeister Justin Bieber.