The Shemalien Who Fell To The Earth

Posing on the border where my nightmares meet my wet dreams, Tilda Swinton wipes the skid mark left by Kim Kardashian’s skank shit off of W Magazine in a series of gorgeous pictures that make me want to tap my b-hole with a Lego Man wrapped in a Tyvek condom.

If Powder joined a Culture Club tribute band in Oz, that cover is what it would look like. The rest of the pictures give me “albino lab rat meets Botoxed Gollum meets a monk from the Temple of Bowie” vibes. There’s really nothing else more to say. The Foursquare Mayoress of Saturn strikes again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hide in a closet with my Lego Man.

What In Ordinary Hell Is Helena Bonham Carter Wearing?!

What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe’s costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney’s funeral matron collection. Totally normal!

Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka “her buffet visitin’ purse“). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she’s saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That’s when she’s really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let’s hope that’s what’s brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!

So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner’s list:

Best Film: The King’s Speech

Outstanding British Film: The King’s Speech

Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3

Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Supporting Actor: The King’s Speech, Geoffrey Rush

Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech

The full list with all the nominees is here. And here’s a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn’t there) and Gerard Slutler.

Natalie Portman Won Last Night

Natalie Portman’s baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)

Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress – Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie’s performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she’s worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.

But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I’m not sure. Maybe I’m too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton’s most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag, Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.

You’re A Mean One, Janet J

Okay, to be fair to Janet Jackson, she only looks like she snarls at the Whos while perched atop Mount Crumpit in the picture above. In the rest of the pictures, she doesn’t look like she’s going to snatch away Christmas anytime soon. The photographer just caught her at her grinchiest moment.

Here’s more pictures of Janet at London Fashion Week looking aaaaaaaaalmost as naturally gorgeous as La Toya (I don’t mean that, La Toya). Janet was also lucky enough to pose with the sexy matchstick known as Tilda Swinton.