Double The Night Terrors

It’s a cheeseburger’s horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels’ beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back’s bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian’s suppositories.

Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it’s no longer around to haunt us. It’s not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can’t blame her.

Here’s pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff’s asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.

The Hoff Is At It Again

The cheeseburger Lothario who hasn’t met a bottle of well liquor he didn’t fall in love with is back in the hospital after he filled his veins with enough sweet nectar to keep a Lohan family reunion going for at least a couple of hours. And just like a million times before, The Hoff’s tortured 17-year-old daughter Hayley is the one who had to drag his drunk ass to the hospital.

A source tells Radar that The Hoff was on a 3-day booze binge before Hayley threw him in her trunk, drove him to the hospital and put his ass on the curb. The source went on to say that The Hoff will continue to deny that he’s got a thirst for booze in a bad way, “I’m sure he’ll try to deny it this time, too. And that’s sad, because it’s his daughter who is suffering when she has to take care of him after a bender.”

Hayley’s mother Pamela is also a major wreck. Pamela is fresh out of jail after spending some time there for violating her DUI probation.

Maybe this is The Hoff and Pamela’s way of scaring Hayley off the bottle for life? I don’t know, but I do know that if I drank a shot for every time The Hoff was hospitalized with drunkitis, I’d be lying in a bed right next to him. This is not a good look. The Hoff is probably stumbling around the house with vomit chunks hanging onto his nostril hairs and a bottle of Beefeater filled with his own pee pee in his hand. It sounds like a good look on paper, but it isn’t.

Hoff Out, Howie In

The America’s Got Talent set will now have a sanitizing station at every corner and contestants will have to marinate in a bath of hot vinegar before taking the stage, because Howie Mandel is going to be the newest judge! Last week, The Hoff announced that he was triple X-ing himself off the show to go and do his own thing (aka have a threesome with a cheeseburger and a bottle of Jack).

Yesterday, NBC confirmed that after several OCDers from A&E’s Obsessed thoroughly disinfect The Hoff’s old chair and button, Howie will settle into his place beginning this summer. Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan will also be back as judges.

I’d high-five Howie, but that would probably cause him to chew his own hand off. On second thought, let’s all high-five him anyway, because watching him chew his own hand off sounds pretty fucking entertaining. Now that’s TALENT! No X from me.

via HuffPo

America’s Got Talent Is Now Hoff-Less

In news that will hit you in the gut with a powerful fist of “we all saw this coming,“ The Hoff has been fired from America’s Got Talent because the producers were sick of him stealing Purell from everyone’s dressing room to use as a mixer. Wait. Did I say “fired“? Well, give me a Lohan kick to the pussy, because I really meant to say that The Hoff left on his own accord. Yes, we’re going with that one. Let’s hear it from The Hoff:

“I am proud that I was part of making America’s Got Talent the No. 1 rated show for the past four summers. It’s been a rewarding experience and now I’m thrilled to be able to follow my dream to do my own TV show, which will be announced very shortly. I want to thank my friend, (executive producer) Simon Cowell, and everyone at NBC and Fremantle for the opportunity for four great years.”

Since The Hoff still believes he’s only hooked on a feeling, and not hooked on the bottle, I doubt his next TV project will involve Dr. Drew or Ken Seeley. Maybe he’s going to host America’s Next Top Cheeseburger for the Food Network?

In other news, Paula Abdul was spotted on her hands and knees in front of Simon Cowell’s front gates. I wonder what that’s about. <---- Not a question.

The Hasselhoff Family Is A Mess

While The Hoff dried out in the psych ward on Saturday night, his ex-wife Pamela was put into handcuffs for driving while under the influence of booze. That family and the sweet nectar are fucking done professionally.

Pamela told TMZ that she was with her daughters earlier in the evening, trying to comfort them because their father is in the hospital. After she wiped their tears, she went off to dinner to booze her sorrows away. Pamela claims she only had a few drinks, but she blew a .14 on a breathalyzer test, so she must have been doing Big Gulp-sized shots.

Pamela was later released on $15,000 bail. This is her second DUI in one year, which means she’ll probably have to spend some time in a jail cell.

After her arrest, Pamela told TMZ, “I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce.”

If you want to booze through your problems, then at least do it right. Do what we all do. Take the bottle, go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the shower, sit against the wall and bawl your eyes out while listening to Carly Simon’s Greatest Hits. Don’t get behind the wheel of anything with a motor.

And somewhere in a Vh1 board room, Dr. Drew is pitching Celebrity Rehab: Family Edition.

Code Cheeto Alert

The Hoff was hospitalized on Friday after he reportedly suffered a seizure following a two-day booze binge. Radar says that the doctors aren’t ready to release The Hoff back into the wild (and into the arms of a Jack Daniels bottle) just yet. They have stamped a Code 5150 on The Hoff’s nalgas and will keep him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Apparently, some of The Hoff’s family members have wised up and want him to go directly to rehab from the hospital. The Hoff recently denied that he has a problem with the sauce, so who knows if he’ll go.

Methinks The Hoff’s family will have to get creative if they want him to go to rehab. They should trick him by leaving a trail of deliciously greasy cheeseburgers from his hospital room door to the front steps of the rehab clinic.