Suge Knight Is Suing Chris Brown

If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.

Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?

Continue reading

Suge Knight’s Jail Cell Toilet Is Haunting Him….And He Might Have A Tumor

The L.A. County Jail should really make Suge Knight teach community college theater students how to bring the theatrics and raw drama in extra heavy doses, because he knows how it’s done. Since Suge has been in jail on murder charges, he has collapsed in the court room all extra dramatic-like, had a panic attack and appeared before a judge in a wheelchair, because what kind of cold-hearted judge is going to punish a weak soul in a wheelchair? Since the meanie judge has yet to take pity on Suge’s plight and transfer him from his jail cell to a suite at the Four Seasons, he has stepped it up. Suge is crying that his toilet is crazier than him and claims he might have a brain tumah.

Tom Mesereau, who represented Michael Jackson during that child touching trial, is Suge’s new lawyer and he recently filed papers asking for the Blanche DuBois of gangsters to be moved to a different cell. Suge is crying that his toilet is broken and flushes every 20 minutes all day and all night. Poor delicate, dew drop Suge doesn’t have a proper velvet settee to have his fainting spells upon and now he has to deal with a busted toilet disturbing his beauty sleep. Even the toilet is sick of his shit.

On top of Suge’s possessed toilet woes, he also claims that doctors think he could have a brain tumor since he regularly experiences numbness on the side of his body. That numbness could merely be from Suge sleeping on a cheap jail cot instead of an Egyptian cotton-covered mattress filled with swan feathers like he’s used to. Suge asked that his new cell be in a jail that has access to a medical facility.

The judge is still not taking pity on Suge’s plight. The judge denied Suge’s transfer request, so he’ll have to continue to deal with the sound of the ones he’s wronged saying, “Suuuuuuge, Iiiiiii’m goooooing to geeeeet youuuuu,” through the haunted toilet. The judge also denied Suge’s request to lower his $10 billion bail.

So what now? Suge can either borrow a stunt from fellow jail bird drama queen Roxie Hart by faking a pregnancy or he can start working on an escape plan by wooing a sad and desperate jail house sewing teacher whose clit gets the throbs for diabolical rap mogul dick.

Universal Is Being Sued For Suge Knight’s Hit And Run On The Set Of “Straight Outta Compton”

It’s been almost six months since Suge Knight allegedly ran over and killed a man with his car on the set of Straight Outta Compton, and Deadline says Universal’s name has finally been pulled into the mess Suge made. The widow and daughters of Terry Carter, Suge’s former friend and the man who died on set back in January, have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Universal Studios Inc., as well as Suge Knight, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and the burger place where they were filming.

The lawsuit claims that the Straight Outta Compton shoot had “insufficient security” and swats at Universal for hiring former gang members as extras and security guards. They also think there wasn’t enough real security to keep Suge Knight from going all Suge Knight and killing someone. Lillian Carter and her two daughters, Nekaya and Crystal, are seeking an unspecified amount for damages including loss of past and future wages, funeral expenses, moral and financial support, and “loss of love, comfort, companionship, care, assistance, society, affection, protection.” They also want to see this go to trial.

Normally I wouldn’t pick sides when it comes to Suge Knight, because I don’t want to end up dead. But since he’s still waiting for someone to bail his ass out of jail, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m Team Lawsuit on this one. Although is it really necessary to drag Universal and Ice Cube and Dr. Dre into all of this? They could have made the Straight Outta Compton shoot as unappealing as possible to Suge Knight by filming under a fake name, like Smurfs 3 or Untitled Nicholas Sparks Novel Adaptation, or moving the shoot to Mars or something, and Suge Knight still would have found a way to show up on set and done something Suge Knight-y. It’s not their fault Suge Knight did what Suge Knight does!

Floyd Mayweather Isn’t Going To Bail Suge Knight Out

The fight of the century  (aka Pepaw Ali vs. Bear) already happened, but for some reason people are freaking out about that Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao fight this weekend. You know, whenever I see “Mayweather vs. Pacquiao,” I read it as Antoine Merriweather vs. La Pequeña. Now THAT is a tussle I want to see.

Both Mayweather and Pacquiao will make millions upon millions of dollars from their big fight even if they lose. If I was either of them, I’d drop to the floor and scream “MERCY” as soon as that round 1 bell rang. Then I’d collect my check and spend the rest of the night buying W.H.J (weed, hustlers and jerky). Floyd Mayweather told reporters that he’s going to make $200 million from the fight and if you add that to his $280 million fortune (that number from the extremely reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com), he’ll be worth almost half a billion dollars. But according to his money people, none of that cash is going to free Suge Knight.

On Thursday, Suge pleaded not guilty to murder and attempted murder for running over two men in a restaurant parking lot earlier this year. A judge declared that his jury trial will start on July 7th. The judge refused to lower Suge’s bail amount again. It was originally set at $25 million, but was reduced to $10 million.

Suge’s lawyer Matthew Fletcher bragged to The Los Angeles Times about how Floyd Mayweather has promised to pay the $10 million bail if he wins on Saturday night. Matthew Fletcher dribbled out this stream of eye roll fuel:

“They’re good friends. That’s one of his wealthiest friends. Suge said, ‘Man, I was really going to pull for him to win, but now I’m going to have to pray for him to win.”

You can add “a severe case of delusion” to the long-list of ailments that Suge suffers from, because Floyd Mayweather’s people tell TMZ that a trick is telling lies. A source in Floyd’s team says that they were friends a while ago, but they haven’t talked in years. Floyd isn’t bailing him out. The five-time convicted lady beater probably figures that he may need that money in the future to pay his lawyers when he fucks up again.

You know Suge’s lawyer is going to use this during the trial. Matthew Fletcher will tell the court that Suge thought Floyd was going to bail him out, because that’s what the voices in his head told him! And he dramatically collapsed in the court room, because he’s knocked up. So how can the jury send a schizophrenic, pregnant, blind man to prison?! Suge Knight is the Roxie Hart of former rap moguls.

Suge Knight Is In A Court-Appointed Wheelchair And He’s Super Pissed About It

Uh oh. You in danger, person who court appointment that wheelchair; we all know what happens when someone pisses off Suge Knight.

Ever since Suge Knight was charged with murder back in February, the Associated Press says he’s had four in-court whoopsies that involved him either collapsing or his body just saying “fuck it”. So a judge decided that all his future court appearances would be made in a wheelchair. And to make sure he doesn’t try to get up and walk away, he’s been chained to it. Sort of like the drunken backseat baby of Wheelchair Jimmy and Hannibal Lecter, I guess.

Of course, Suge Knight fucking hates being chained to a wheelchair. During a recent court appearance that shockingly had nothing to do with him running a dude down with his car (it was regarding a robbery charge for taking a pap’s camera), Suge’s attorney told the judge that he was fine to walk and that putting him in a wheelchair was “humiliating”. The judge then said that until he’s declared fit to walk, he’s staying in the chair.

One of the reasons Suge is making visits to court is because he used a set of wheels for evil, so is it really a good idea to put him in another set of wheels? I know it’s just a wheelchair, but trust me – Suge will find a way. Maybe they could get him a Yoshi to ride on? All of a sudden, every creature in the Mushroom Kingdom just got very scared.

Suge Knight Charged With Murder

Suge Knight made us all think of Suge Knight again last week when he killed a man and injured another on the set of the N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton in L.A. The man Suge  killed was his friend Terry Carter and he left the scene, because that’s what friends do. He later turned himself into police and was arrested. Originally, his bail was set at $2 million, but they revoked that shit after authorities successfully argued that he’s a flight risk. And today, the L.A. County District Attorney hit Suge Knight with a bunch of charges including murder.

TMZ says that on top of murder, Suge was also charged with attempted premeditated murder, hit and run resulting in death, and hit and run resulting in injury. The D.A. believes they have a strong case against Suge, because they have footage from a surveillance camera of some of what happened. But do they really need a video? Couldn’t they just say to the jury, “This is Suge Knight we’re talking about. Who hasn’t Suge murdered? We rest our case!” The D.A. issued this statement:

Marion “Suge” Knight was charged today with murder and other counts following a fatal hit-and-run in a Compton parking lot last week, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office announced.
Knight (dob 4/19/65) is scheduled to be arraigned on Tuesday in Compton at the Los Angeles County Superior Court, Department D, in case TA136401 He is being held without bail.
The Major Crimes Division is handling the case.

Following an altercation on Thursday outside a Compton restaurant, Knight allegedly was driving his truck when he ran over two men standing in the parking lot. One man was injured and the second man, Terry Carter, 55, died. The driver of the pickup fled the scene.

Suge could get life in prison if convicted of the murder charge.

I’m actually surprised that Suge turned himself in and didn’t get Ray Donovan to put him on a plane headed to a private island in the Caribbean where Tupac is. Nobody tell Suge this, but if he lost about 300 pounds, painted himself orange, put on a stringy ginger wig, changed his name to Lindsay Lohan and then pleaded guilty to murder, the judge would sentence him to 3 minutes in jail and revoke his Starbucks privileges for a week.