When I was a kid, my friend had this shifty, mean bunny rabbit with pink eyes and every time I put my hand in his cage to pet him, bitch would show his teeth before biting me. I was dumber in the brains then, so I put my hand in his cage several times even though he’d bite at me every time. So thanks, Bob Costas, for opening up that childhood wound by giving me that picture.
Here I was thinking that Bob Costas’ Sochi Olympics pink eye came from him scratching his eye right after fingering a Russian hooker in the butt. But Page Six says that Bob Costas’ pink eye situation was born from botched Botox. Bob Costas wanted to be camera ready beautiful for the Olympics, so before he went to Russia he got shot up with that Nicole Kidman syrup. The bad Botox job didn’t only screw with his eyes, it screwed with his job too, because he had to sit out for a few days. Some source said, “Bob’s eye infection was due to botched Botox. This isn’t the first time he’s had it.”
A spokeswhore for NBC says it’s not true.
I have no doubt that Bob injects crap into his forehead that’s as synthetic as that toupee on his head, but I don’t think Botox does that to eyes. If getting your forehead shot up with suspect Botox gave you pink eye, half of the hos in L.A. would walk around with eyes looking like a cat’s prolapsed anus. That’s just good old-fashioned pink eye and I’m sticking with the hooker b-hole theory, which makes me wonder why Matt Lauer didn’t get pink eye too. Hmm, Matt probably uses finger condoms.
I haven’t really been watching the Olympics, because I’ve been filling my brain with much more important and nourishing things like the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills and House Hunters: Where Are They Now?, but every time I switch to NBC I see Bob Costas and his MAN DOWN CODE 10 eye up on there. Dude looks like he got eye fucked by Gerard Butler’s diseased peen. Every time I see Bob’s down-and-out eye I wonder why nobody has bedazzled a pirate patch in America’s patriotic colors and slapped it over that situation. That eye is screaming for a bedazzled eye patch. Just look at that screen shot. He’s practically saying, “arrrrrgh,” and a bedazzled pirate patch would really complete the look. But Bob isn’t doing that, he’s tapping out and handing the baton over to Matt Lauer instead. Bob said in a statement today that he’s tried to make it work, but every day his left eye’s impersonation of Parasite Hilton’s oozing puss keeps getting more and more spot-on, so he’s going to back away from the camera until it gets better.
“It was becoming increasingly noticeable and uncomfortable, but if it was just that, I would have continued. We in broadcasting are lucky to have the jobs we do, and at one time or another, we’ve all gone on the air feeling less than our best. The difference is that last night and into this morning, it got to the point where, as a practical matter, I simply couldn’t do my job because my eyes had become so blurry, watery and sensitive to light. If it was just discomfort, I’d be there. I’m receiving excellent treatment…it’s a viral infection, and all you can do is try to manage the symptoms while the virus runs its course. But I’m hopeful that those symptoms will improve in the next couple of days and I can return to the broadcast.”
Tonight will be the first time since 1988 that Bob hasn’t hosted the primetime coverage of the Olympics. Matt Lauer will step in until Bob’s eye gets better, which is crazy and doesn’t make sense since doctors and scientists have proven (no, they haven’t) that watching Matt Lauer over an extended period of time causes pink eye in more places than two. What NBC should’ve done is replace Bob with the only Olympics commentator who matters: The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice!
Johnny Weir proved this morning that he’s ready for the primetime spot by paying tribute to Bob’s pink eye:
I’d watch more of the Olympics at night if Johnny Weir took the primetime spot, because all of the comments that twirl out of his mouth are covered in frosted sequins and he dresses himself up like the rich great auntie I never had.
(Pic via @olyphil)