That Was Fast

And just like that, Sandra Bullock’s marriage to Vanilla Gorilla has officially been shoved into the exhaust pipe of a speeding bus headed directly for a fully fueled cargo plane. Sandra legally quit Vanilla Gorilla’s ass on April 23rd, and TMZ says the two signed papers last week making the divorce final.

Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla both didn’t ask for spousal support and he pretty much agreed to leave with what he came in with so it made the divorce process pretty easy. With Sandra’s divorce being complete she can now adopt Baby Louis as a single parent.

Maybe it’s because we’re used to greedy bitches fighting over every cent during a divorce battle, but that felt like it was over in a quick second. It takes Boobshit McGross more time to make her clitoris give the Hitler salute (a popular party trick)! But in Boobshit’s defense, it takes her a little while to lift up her clit, because the warts weigh it down so much.

The Return Of Sandra Bullock

After months of playing Mary J. Blige’s “Not Gon’ Cry” on repeat while cutting Vanilla Gorilla’s face out of pictures and replacing it with Keanu Reeves’, Sandra Bullock came out to play last night at Spike TV’s Guys Choice Awards. Sandra showed up to pick up yet another award to add to her trophy collection which is housed in a giant warehouse in the Valley somewhere. Sandra won the “Troops Choice” award for Entertainer of the Year. And Sandra even joked that she probably won the award because she got fucked in a bad way this year.

Sandra said: “Let’s be honest here, just for a moment. We’re all going to be honest, right? Did I win this for being entertainer of the year, or did I win this because of the spectacular I.E.D. [improvised explosive device] explosion that became my personal life?! No, it’s okay. Because I would do it over again if it was to entertain our troops , and our extraordinary troops deserve something much more than some actress in a tight dress talking about herself.”

And wouldn’t that award look so much better if it was shoved up Vanilla Gorilla and Bombshit McGee’s assholes? Actually, they would probably like that too much so forget about that.

Here’s the video of Sandra’s speech:

BABIES!! DIVORCE!!! AND JULIA ROBERTS!

People Magazine is blowing minds this morning with their Pandora’s Box cover featuring Sandra Bullock and her brand new shiny baby friend. Yes, Sandra Bullock adopted a baby! Yes, Sandra Bullock filed for divorce! Yes, Sandra Bullock decorates her baby with a necklace I made in preschool! But one of my favorite parts of this cover is Julia Roberts chilling out in the corner like, “Don’t forget about me.” And then baby is throwing her shade like, “Sorry, I got this, bitch.”

So the hos at People Magazine are doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because they scored a double exclusive from Sandra. Sandra has adopted a 3-month-old baby boy from New Orleans. Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla started the process about four years ago, and brought him home in January but they decided to keep Louis a secret for a while. So that explains the trash can full of caca-filled diapers outside of Sandra’s house. Everybody assumed they belonged to Vanilla Gorilla. You know he’s into that kinky diaper play.

Since Sandra has filed for divorce from Vanilla Gorilla, she plans on raising Louis as a single mother. Probably a good thing since I’m not sure how many school teachers will be pleased to see a kid give the Nazi salute during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The details from People:

“He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family – including James’s children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 – were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.

A rep for Bullock confirms the star filed legal papers seeking to end her marriage, but declines to specify in what jurisdiction they are filed. Says Bullock of her decision to divorce: “I’m sad and I am scared.”

I’m sure Sandra kept Louis a big secret, because if she spilled the baby vom back in January, people would have accused her of trying to win Oscar votes by imitating art. Nobody would’ve thought that (yes, they would’ve) unless she adopted Tyler Perry.

Sandra Bullock Outsmarts The Paps

Last night, Entertaintment Tonight aired the first clear pictures of Sandra Bullock (sans wedding ring) since that whole tattooed Nazi whore scandal exploded in our faces.

Page Six says that the pictures were set up by Sandra’s people and taken in Northern California on Friday by a photographer from Getty. Sandra pulled a Tiger Woods by releasing her own post-scandal photos so that the paparazzi agencies can’t make millions upon zillions of dollars on her. Apparently, ET bought the rights from Getty for around $60,000.

Somewhere in the woods of Northern California, there’s a sad pap cleaning bear piss off of his pine tree disguise.

And if nobody told me these were new pictures of Sandra, I would’ve guessed they were just stills from 24 Days. That’s a total rehab/hangover ensemble.

via Popsugar

Too Much Sexual Napalm For John Mayer To Handle

Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer’s Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You’re getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.

John’s David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what’s good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John’s dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It’s best he back away and play with girls his own speed.

Anways, here’s more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I’m not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!

Sandra Bullock Is Taking Care Of Vanilla Gorilla’s Kids

TMZ is hearing that Jesse James’ three chirruns aren’t living with him or their mothers. Apparently, they are staying with Sandra Bullock. What does it all mean?!!!!

This is close to being a side-eye situation, because Vanilla Gorilla shares custody of his two older kids with his first wife. VG has primary custody of his younger daughter Sunny, because her mother Janine James lives in a halfway house. Sandra’s rep recently said that she has zero plans to adopt VG’s three kids.

Some seem to think that this means Sandra is open to welcoming VG back into her jungle. But maybe she’s taking care of the kids, because it’s hard for them to do their school work and play with their toys when daddy’s blasting “Horst-Wessel-Lied” from his bedroom.

Hopefully, Cinnabun snuck into one of the kids’ suitcases and is now chilling at Sandra’s safe house.