Ryan Reynolds And Charlize Theron Are No Longer A Thing

UsWeekly said last month that Ryan Reynolds rebounded off of ScarJo’s chichis and dove straight onto Charlize Theron’s crotch. There was never really anything proof of this. No staged pictures of them trying to pull each other’s swim chonies off at the beach. No “leaked” stills from their blurry fuck tape. None of that. And now it’s completely over, so says UsWeekly. They say that Charlize and Ryan’s time together lasted about as long as a blonde riding on Hef’s grave worm dick. A source says that Ryan quit that shit, because Charlize wants to start a family and he isn’t ready to dirty his muscle ab biscuits with baby barf. The source put it like this:

“He only wanted something casual, but she’s in a rush to settle down, have kids and start a family since she’s getting older.

[Charlize] didn’t take it very well when he broke it off. She knows deep down that it wouldn’t have worked, but she is pretty bummed out about it all.”

That’s nice and everything, but what about us?! What about the people with the sex lives of a garbage disposal apple who were patiently waiting for fap material in the form of a picture of Charlize and Ryan simultaneously licking on each other’s nipples under an outdoor shower? They couldn’t give us that as a parting gift? Selfish bitches. And Charlize considers herself a humanitarian? More like an inhumaneitarian.

That being said, Charlize is smooth. Getting tired of fucking on a recently divorced piece who keeps doing ab crunches while you ride on top? Just hit him with the “I want kids” talk and he won’t even waste time grabbing his Flex Belt while he runs out the door.

Ryan Reynolds And Charlize Theron Might Be A Thing

ScarJo was seen at Little Dom’s in Los Feliz this past weekend trying to Magic Erase the image of Sean Penn snorting out wet coke balls out of nose while grunting during a motorboating session by having dinner with ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. A witness tells Life & Style that ScarJo and Ryan were flirting with their eyes and she even pinched at his face cheeks with her fingers (????) at one point. But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then ScarJo and Ryan only met up so that she could give him the bag of tile spacers he left in her car. You know, the tile spacers he puts between his rock hard ab biscuits so they don’t rub together and chafe when he does his daily routine of doing crunches until his stomach pouch slides into his nutsack for some peace and stillness. But I am digressing all over the place again….

A source says that Ryan and Charlize Theron have been making pretty people sex with each other for at least a few months. They’ve been keeping it on the down low and the source doesn’t expect them to come prancing out onto the ho stroll while holding each other’s genitals anytime soon, because that’s not Charlize’s style. The source went on to say, “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush. They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way.”

Break out the BREAKING NEWS siren! Two pretty people are doing the fuck thing together!!! This never happens!!!! But seriously, slap this shit with both a “random” and “makes sense” label.

Ryan has always sort of rubbed me in a weird way (not like that). It’s those tiny eyes. Even when he opens them as wide as he can, he still looks like he’s been stalking you from across the room for hours and is trying to focus on the little mole under your eye so that he can draw it perfectly on the tribute wall that’s dedicated to you in his room at the halfway house. (And yes, he does thee crunches while drawing your mole.) Charlize, on the other hand, seems like a regular bag of normal. So the two of them together does make me cock my head (not that one) to the side a bit. But Ryan must be shitting four leaf clovers, but he is lucky as hell. You haven’t experienced true love until you’ve slow rolled with Charlize Theron to a Journey song in the middle of a rink.

Ryan Reynolds Is Still Sad About Divorcing ScarJo

Seen here busting out the classic “pooping in the woods” pose for Details, Ryan Reynolds talked to the magazine about how he’s not going to talk about how his married to ScarJo melted into the lube she used to hump on Sean Penn. But Ryan did say that his heart is still crying sad tears over it and he’s not ready to date again. Ryan also said that contrary to blind items and gossiping whores, a heavy dose of scandal didn’t drown his marriage. I’ll let RyRey take it from here:

On how the media won’t be getting any eVites from him anytime soon: “I’ll say this: The media wasn’t invited to my marriage, and they’re definitely not invited into the divorce.”

On how he’s still half-sad about his divorce: “Anyone who gets divorced goes through a lot of pain. but you come out of it. I’m not out of it yet. At all. But I sense that as I do come through it, there’s optimism. How can there not be? I don’t think I want to get married again, but you always reevaluate these things. Any kind of crisis can be good. It wakes you up. I gotta say, I’m a different person than I was six months ago.”

On how everyone got it wrong when they threw an ESCANDALO label on his split from ScarJo: “What was happening privately was the exact opposite of what was being reported. There was no story and no scandal, so the narrative was just created for me. That was the most disturbing part. I wasn’t angry. I absolutely predicted every beat of it. There’s an entire economy around this sort of thing—therefore it’s gotta happen one way or another. There was a time, though, when looking at the Internet was a miracle cure for feeling good about myself.”

On how he and ScarJo kept it clean: “Departing a relationship and still maintaining the idea that this is still the same person I married is a great luxury that I experienced. Thankfully I was in a relationship where two people chose to remain on the high road in every regard.”

On how he’s not dating so stop asking: “I have no interest in dating right now. It just seems so kind of alien to me at this point. I’ve been in relationships pretty much since high school. Some people look at that as a good thing. I think wiser people might see that as a house of cards. I’m very happy not to be in a relationship right now. That’s okay. I didn’t plan on it, that’s for sure . . . but that’s okay.

I’ll tell Ryan Reynolds what I tell all hot pieces who tell me they just got out of a relationship (BLAH BLAH BLAH) and aren’t looking for anything serious (BLAH BLAH BLAH). Who said shit about a relationship?! We won’t kiss on the lips with feeling. I won’t ever stay the night. And I promise I won’t scream your name when you cross to the other side of the street after seeing me in public.*

* This depends on whether or not I’m under the influence of something that might affect my decision making skills like cheap whiskey, fresh weed and Entenmann’s.

Olivia Wilde’s Side Titty Stars In Vanity Fair’s “Hollywood Issue” Cover

Vanity Fair’s (emphasis on the “Fair“) annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of “clutch your Tampax pearls” surprises! There’s ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it’s better than VF’s “Hungry White Girls Cover” of last year)! There’s Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There’s a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there’s the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who’d be half-nekkid if it wasn’t for those extra thick suspenders.

Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg’s sexyface rip half of that ho’s dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia’s “sneeze and my titty pokes out” dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!

Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must’ve been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn’t move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:

Much better.

Anyway, here’s the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco, Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.

Sandra Bullock Denies Humping On Ryan Reynolds

Perhaps Sandra Bullock was afraid that ScarJo, The Bride of Mumblestein, would send Frankenstein’s monster after her ass, because she denied that she’s rubbing her chocha on Ryan Reynolds’ ribbed (for everyone’s pleasure) abs. That was a good move on Sandy’s part, because I don’t think she would’ve seen the mumbling wrath of ScarJo coming since the remake of The Shaggy Dog was blocking her eyesight. Every mother in the world was itching to grab Sandy’s clip-on bangs in a fist and hack that shit off with a pair of kitchen scissors. My sister spent most of her childhood with wonky bangs that looked like they were cut with a vegetable chopper. My mom’s rule was that if your bang tips kissed your eyelashes, hand her the scissors. No bang/lash love allowed! But back to Sandy’s denial.

When Al Roker from Today (via People) asked Sandy about the rumor that’s fucking on ScarJo’s seconds, she said this:

“I think there will be a collective sigh amongst women across the United States when I say he’s not my lovah. He’s just an amazing friend for 10 years … but I don’t get his loving after dark.”

Okay, Sandra. We won’t believe that your bangs are hiding the hickey that Ryan gave you on your forehead. Okay.

Here’s a few more pictures of Sandy’s bang issue as well as a few pictures of ScarJo looking like a Chrysler hood ornament (sans wings).

Sandra Bullock And Ryan Reynolds Might Be A Couple

Both UsWeekly and OK! Magazine are calling Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds LYING ASS LIARS for denying that their genitals have spent some intimate time together. It all started on New Year’s Eve when Ryan and Sandra sat together at her restaurant, Bess Bistro, in Austin, Texas. Witnesses claimed that the two were laughing, smiling and most likely finger banging each other under the table. But Sandra’s rep let out a “NO! NO! NO!” scream louder than the one Bombshell McGee’s free clinic gynecologist makes every time he has to venture down under.

Despite the denial, sources say that Sandra and Ryan kissed that night and left together at 2 in the morning. One source tells OK! that Sandra has been soothing Ryan’s broken heart over the phone for a few weeks and was “thrilled” when he accepted the invitation to her NYE party. A different source close to Ryan gave up some insightful information that TOTALLY proves they’re fucking their troubles away, “I’m sure they’ve bonded over the breakups. Going through a divorce is a unique thing to live through. Ryan always got excited talking about Sandra and liked being around her.”

There’s really no proof here that these two are more than just friends. Besides, if Ryan wanted to partake in a rebound fuck with one of his co-stars from The Proposal, I’d like to think he’d go with Betty White. That’s the right choice. Although, he probably did and Betty turned him down since she’s doesn’t pick up ScarJo’s leftovers. If it is true, though, good for them for getting some ass. It’s probably nice for Sandra being with a dude who doesn’t scream out “Are you ready for the Reichsmark shot?!” before he cums.

And now I’ll leave you alone so that you can cut and paste your face over Sandra’s in the picture above. It should be YOU posing next to Ryan while he’s making a “the places this glass dildo is going to go….” face.