I Know What You Did Last Summer: You Made This Shitty Piece Of Shit!

The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being “detention girl” in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It’s more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.

And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can’t even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.

While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That’s not foam, it’s jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?

SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head’s chin is the killer!

Like A Cokehead…… Heeeeeey!

In the new issue of Glamour, the “biggest stars” (their fuckery-laced words, not mine) pose as female icons throughout history. Even with the newest version of Photoshop, Blohan doesn’t pull off vintage Vadge. Bitch should have done current day Vadge instead. They look about the same age. Plop a curly wig on SamRo’s head and she could easily pass as Baby Jesus after getting the youth sucked out of him by Vadge’s roidy cooze. Now that would have made sense.

The other skanks in the magazine are: Camilla Belle (as Mary Tyler Moore), Emma Stone (as Carrot Horseshaw), Emma Roberts (as Audrey Hepburn), Alexis Bledel (as Rosie the Riveter), Ugly Betty (as Dolores Huerta), Alicia Keys (as Michelle Obama), Kim Zolciak’s wig (as the Obama dog), Elisha Cuthbert (as Brandi Chastain), Hayden Panatroll (as Amelia Earhart), Paula Patton (as Billie Holiday), Chanel Iman (as Althea Gibson) and Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer and Tater Head (as the hippies of Woodstock).

The picture with Tater Head is borderline babeh abuse. That tortured baby is trying to unsee what he’s just seen. I hope his parents are paying attention, because if they ever get him a Mr. Potato Head for his birthday, that kid is going to take shelter under his bed and never come out. They better not make that mistake.

Be Gone Is More Like It

When I first saw thumbnails of these pictures, I thought it was Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Then I made them bigger and realized how horribly, horribly wrong I was. After I finish this post, I will go get my eyeballs rotated or something, because I don’t how I could make that mistake.

Anyway, Tater Head was at some D&G event last night and from far away she looks….well… um… looks…. like this! Not bad. This is probably the best I’ve seen her look in a while. That’s until we get close and see the titty tape, the douchey tattoo only worth of Brody Jenner and the crackie nails. Fix yourself, Tater Head!

Tater also needs to give her boohoo boobies a little pick-me-up, because they look oh-so-sad.

Hiding In Plain Sight

Here’s Tater Head leaving LAX yesterday (probably catching a return flight back from Idaho, AKA the Motherland) looking like the Ore-Ida version of Asshole Simpson.

Let me ask you this, who the EFF goes incognito wearing a flaming red wig? A frumpy mop made of delicious golden curly fries would have been less conspicuous. But it looks like it worked because one loner ass paparazzi with a disposable camera happened to be catching a flight back from Sheboygan and only took pictures after she shouted out “I am ze Asshole Simpson!”

Hash Browns, please! In order to look like Asshole Simpson you’re supposed to have a schnoz sponsored by Kleenex!

That being said, this is might be an upgrade. Or maybe I’m just saying that because I’m a sucker for the ginges. Even the faux ones.

It Must Be True Love

Tater Head brought her supposed new man, Micah Alberti, to the premiere of “House Bunny” in Los Angeles last night. Poor Tater. I hope he’s not using her for her gorgeous looks, talent and money. I don’t think he cares about her thrilling personality! Or maybe he just has a chin fetish. Chin fucker! Whatever the case may be, I’m glad Rumer is getting her taters mashed. I’m sure they will get married and have dozens of baby spuds.

Tater’s mommy, Demi Moore, also came out to support her daughter. Demi is such a bitch. Look at how she’s almost posing chin-to-chin with Rumer. Although, Demi is looking a little botoxy in the face. And I really wish Ashton would just go and swim in a toilet already.

Insert Obvious Joke Here

Actually, I take that back. The joke isn’t obvious. She’s posing with a dog, not a fucking potato.

Here’s our little Tater Head at The Power of Paws event in NYC last night. The pooch with Rumer is a true professional and gentleman. He’s allowing Rumer to touch and pose with him, but he dare not look her straight in the chin. That would make him lose his composure. I’m assuming poochie is a he, because all dogs who look like that are dudes. Dudes or gayelles.

Someone should have barked at poochie to help Rumer lift up those saggy cutlets! It’s driving me crazy. I hate to see a couple of sad titties.

Nicky Hilton, Caridee English and some other ho also showed up to last night’s event. Now, Nicky posing with a dog is an obvious joke.