I Don’t Know How I Feel About This

This is Joe Jonas. This is Joe Jonas wet. This is Joe Jonas flashing his pit pubes. This is Joe Jonas making sexyface, but it kind of looks like he’s trying to pass a queef through his peen hole. Ick. Nast. I just said “Joe Jonas” and “peen” in the same sentence. Okay, I know he’s 19 which makes him legal, but why do I still feel like I’m committing a felony by looking at this picture! Why do I feel like I just ended up on some government list. Don’t even ask me if I’d “hit it.” If I answered that question truthfully, the FBI will storm through my front door and confiscate this laptop.

And what about his celebrity crush?! I’m kind of impressed. I figured Joe Jonas was more of a Brad Pitt fangirl. But now I’ve got an image of Joe Jonas and Daniel Craig tossing salads and licking beef bones. Dammit.

P.S. – Is it just me or does his purity ring look abnormally erect?

VIA ONTD

The School Of Lohan

Alleged 15-year-old (wink to Mah Boo) Ali Lohan has been whoring herself all over the place with her big sister and some were asking a very valid question: “Why isn’t this old baby face marinating in a classroom?” That’s because she’s enrolled in The Lohan School of Hard Cocks, I mean, Knocks.

White Oprah told the New York Daily News that it’s impossible for Ali to be in school full-time, because she’s in HObusiness. White Oprah wiped her nose, cleaned her teefs and said, “She is home schooled. I’m a firm believer in staying in school but, in the business, it’s gotten difficult for Ali to be in school.”

You know, Ali Lohan would probably be better off being raised by a pack of day-shift hookers (actually, she kind of is, right?), but imagine if you were 15 again and your mom let you be homeschooled. You could sleep until your hangover wore off, watch stories all day, eat junk crap by the gallons, work on your tan and then do like 10-seconds of school work. It would be kind of awesome. Ho stuff 24/7.

However, in a couple of years, Ali is going to be wishing she sat in a math class or two when somebody tells her the dealer gave her 2 grams instead of 5. The more you know (shooting star).

From Men Back To Boys

Little Miley Cyrus is sick of playing with grown ass men who actually have pubic hair in their private areas, so now she’s ready to shuffle back into the romper room where her ex-whatever Nick Jonas is waiting to let her play with his purity ring. That’s what a source tells Gatecrasher.

The rumor going around the cafeteria is that 16-year-old Miley wants to break up with her 20-year-old boyfriend of 8-months, Justin Gaston, so she can go around with her ex Nick Jonas. Miley hasn’t broken up with Gaston, but that hasn’t stopped her from going to first-and-a-half base with Nick. A source said, “Miley was over at the Jonas house recently, and they were smooching. Nick’s parents have this rule that when a girl is over, the door has to be open, but that didn’t stop Nick and Miley from making out.”

The source forgot something. Not only does the door have to be open, but they both have to be wearing condoms (under their clothes, thank you very much) and holding a bible in one hand.

Miley knows that she totally needs to be with Nick, like totally, but the problem is that she’s not sure how to break up with that old dude. The source went on to say, “She doesn’t know how to tell Justin that they’re over, but Nick is being very firm with her. He’s a good, stand-up kind of guy, and is making Miley tell Justin very, very soon. He’s being tough about it.”

Oh, Miley, I know it’s hard. But all you have to do is get our your cutest Post-Its and your most adorable pen. Then write this note to Gaston: “Deer JG, itz totes over. I luvz NJ again. Letz be friendz. TTYL. Have an awsome summer. I LUV JESUS! Heartz, Miley.” If you lay it on him deep like that, he’ll totally understand.

Little Jenny’s Sunday Best

This is what 15-year-old Taylor Momsen from Gossip Girl and her mom wore to church yesterday. Okay, I haven’t been to church in like eons, so I have no idea what people wear anymore. If bitches show up looking like Courtney Love working the ho stroll in order to raise money for that exiled Nigerian Dignitary who e-mailed her, then I need to stop by more often while making my way home in the morning. That’s what these two look like. They had to pop in really quick to apologize to God for all the dark-sided shit they did only hours before.

You know they took extra swigs from the church wine and tried to snort the wafers. Actually, they probably brought a flask and asked to have it refilled for the road. I have to remember that one.

Here’s more of Young CLove, her mom Pat Benatar and her little sister after praying to Jesus yesterday.

Is That James Franco In The Background?

OK James, you can drop character now, Pineapple Express been on DVD for like 6 months already.

But enough of that. Joe Jonas must have been watching reruns of That 70’s Show because homevirgin is looking like a new age Wilmer Valderrama. You don’t go around looking that succulently delicious unless you’re ready to pop your nut cherry all over a quivering, steaming no-no. Purity ring my taint! He’s totally DTF (down to fuck) right on the sidewalk. Dude is titty fucking and prematurely jizzing on all of us with his eyes. Bitch must have caught a glimpse of himself in a window or something, because it looks like he’s giving his peen a little tickle. I know that move.

Miley Loves The Paparazzi

Miley loves the pappies so much that when she misses them something fierce, she calls them up for a visit. Well, a visit that they have to pretend they weren’t invited to. You see, while the pappies were taking pictures of Miley getting juice with her mama je’e Trish, they were asked by some broad how they knew the hillbilly prostitot was there. They answered, “They called us.” Yeah, slap me with a dildo made of DUHS, because I’m shocked.

But if Miley went out to get juice and the paparazzi didn’t get pictures of it, did it really happen? Hmmm.

And Miley’s mother totally reminds me one of those bitches you try to avoid at parties, because you know that once you get stuck with her, she’ll will never let you go. Of course, after you’ve had too many white wine spritzers, you find yourself right next to her. Then you quickly realize why you tried to steer clear from her ass, because all she talks about is star signs, her extensive collection of Beanie Babies and her hundred different recipes using Cool Whip.