Institutionalize These Girls Immediately!

It’s for their own good! When you’re screaming to Soulja Boy that you’ll do disgusting, slutty, dirty, illegal, raunchy, offensive, grisly ho shit in order to get on his bus, then you need to either: a) immediately join a nunnery or b) become a contestant on a Vh1 dating show.

Although, I shouldn’t hate on these little girls, because I stand outside of CNN studios every night and scream the same shit to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper.

Hannah Montana’s Cherries: Available Everywhere!

And I bet you didn’t know she had more than one! Seriously, Disney is the wrongest wrong of all the wrongs. Chris Hansen needs them to put down that iced tea and have a seat….

In future news, Hannah Montana’s red cherries have sold out! The entire stock was bought by a man named Mark McLeod-Cyrus.

(Thanks Susan)

Pole Wars: Miley VS Noah

At last night’s Teen Choice Awards, the Princess of Prostitots showed all the little kiddies how the Cyrus’ do it by working a pole on top of an ice cream cart. Yes, a pole on an ice cream cart. Thank you, Miley, for giving PedoBear a brilliant business idea. PedoBear’s “Shake It For a Cone” ice cream cart coming soon! Don’t got any coins for an ice cream treat? That’s ok! Just get up on that pole and do it Cyrus-style! Seriously, God, it’s okay if you want to push that red button already. I think we’ve seen it all here. Or have we…..?

Last week, I posted some pictures of Miley’s 9-year-old sister Noah posing around a pole at some party, Well, there’s video! Here’s Noah and her friends swinging around a pole while grown-men watch. I. CAN’T. I. CANNOT. Okay, that button needs to be pressed NOW!

And why would I not be surprised if Rhode Island’s Cheaters Strip Club sent out a recruiter to the Cyrus family home?

Here’s some pictures from last night of Miley, Billy Ray, Noah and her friends. I didn’t know Noah was a Ramones fan! I can’t wait for her cover of “The KKK Took My Baby Away.”

This Isn’t How You Sit In A Chair

Actually, it’s how I sit in a chair when certain circumstances (spoiler alert: rowdy ass sex) forces me to do so. Miley, however, is just doing that thing she does when she’s trying to be sexy. Or maybe she’s pushing out a caca balloon. I don’t know, but apparently these pictures caused a bunch of little hos to freak out. Adam Shankman, the director of Miley’s movie, posted this shit on his Twitter page and later defended the pictures by writing:

“Miley is a sweet angel who works tirelessly and endlessly, and is allowed to have fun in the make up room! Seriously! Lighten up or no more behind the scenes pics! She’s like my angel little sister.”

Why is everyone still surprised that Miley’s pictures look like they came directly from a Craigslist ad. This is what she does! When homegirl isn’t chewing on wood to keep her Chiclets sharp, she’s doing this. In unison: She’s just being Miley!

Why So Hardcore?

Miley Cyrus posted a picture on her Twatter of her bad ass nose stud, but there’s more important shit to discuss. What in (please click on this) TG Fabulicious Hell is going on with Miley’s hairline? Every time she talks, does her sand paper (grit 600) voice rub off some of her hair? Or maybe when her mom Tish gets hongray, she nibbles at her daughter’s hairline? Yeah, Tish’s shiny tombstone teefs don’t look that innocent.

By the time Miley’s 18 she’s going to look like a wigless Phil Spector!

Read A Bible!

You really shouldn’t be reading this. No, you should be reading your bible! That’s what hillbilly prostitot Miley Cyrus says. I’d follow her advice, but the last time I touched a bible, I suffered third-degree burns on my fangers!

In several Tweet posts, Miley went on and on about how gossip blogs are the work of the DEBIL and talking caca is killing lives. Or something like that.

Miley wrote (at least I think she’s trying to write), “talk all you want. i have my flaws. im a normal girl theres things about my body i would change but stop with calling me f*t in post. i dont even like the word. those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words. the ones that scar people and cause them to do damage to themselves or others. people that are so okay with being so hateful diguist me and need to spend last time on a gossip website and more time a. reading your bible b. reading stories/articles about what happens when cyber abuse and name calling happens. kids hurt themselves. this is not something to be taken lightly. i know these ‘message boards’ are “no big deal” to YOU but is to the victim. this has got to stop!!! oh and ps if your thighs don’t jiggle go see a doctor. thanks. 🙂”

What the hell is this possum yammering about?! I don’t think hos are calling her body fat. They are calling her gums fat. There’s a big difference. FAT GUMS. Get a gum transplant (copyright: J.Foxx)!

And my thighs haven’t jiggled since 2001, but I think that’s a weed side-effect. At least that’s what my doctor (aka dealer) tells me.

Image: Splash