Noah Cyrus Is Not Launching A Line Of Lingerie For Kids

Last a week, a story about prostitot extraordinaire Noah Cyrus designing a line of lingerie for kids started to make the rounds, but it reached a fever pitch today and now it’s everywhere. If the subject line “Noah Cyrus’ thongs for toddlers” lands in my inbox one more time, Chris Hansen is going to pop into my living room and ask me to have a seat even though I’m sitting. Chris only knows how to start a conversation with “have a seat.” Anyway, this is the story that made pedos percolate and parents explode:

Miley’s 9-year-old sister launching a lingerie line for kids. She’ll be teaming up with her pint-sized best friend Emily Grace to launch a children’s lingerie collection for ‘Ohh! La, La! Couture’ on Valentine’s Day.

Annie Dugourd of Oooh La La Couture (I can’t with that name) tells CNBC that Noah is not designing teddies for tykes or bras for babies. Annie went on to say, “It’s been devastating for our little company. We’re two stay-at-home moms who make tutu dresses. We would never do anything inappropriate.”

Noah’s partner in crime Emily Grace does have a line of tutu dresses with OLLC and you can click here to see it. And while it does look like something the 80s spit up after giving Cyndi Lauper cunnilingus, it’s not lingerie. It’s also not something any child should wear. Correction: It’s not something ANYBODY should wear.

This Is Our Future, Part 5

9-year-old Noah Cyrus has jumped off the pole and is now entertaining adults backstage her sister’s show by smacking her ass to Akon’s “SMACK THAT.” Somebody needs to SMACK THAT child’s parents in the mouth. And why are all those grown ass people clapping instead of calling Child Protective Services or a dentist. Actually, since they are in that circle they should have joined hands and tried to exorcise the Cyrus gene out of that child. I rebuke thee, Cyrus gene!

With that being said, I think I’ll go sit in the corner now, because I just remembered that I was slithering on the floor to “Burning Up” when I was 9. I am your future, Noah! If that doesn’t make her join a nunnery, I don’t know what will.

via Ocean Up (Thanks Joseph)

Miley Cyrus Dresses Up Like A Hooker

Miley Cyrus’ 17th birthday isn’t until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts’ hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.

Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, “Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I’m not sure who was more into Constantine — Miley or her mother.” Where’s the option for “all of the above“?

While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn’t just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts’ ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:

Billy Ray, you are excused!

Miley Cyrus Has Never Heard A Jay-Z Song

Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus’ voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.

In Miley’s song “Party in the USA,” she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley’s answer? “Ah’ve nevah heard a Jay-Z song.” She didn’t write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn’t listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin…..

And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.

In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she’ll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.

VIA NY Mag’s Vulture

Billy Ray Cyrus Really Wants Miley To Come Back To Twitter

In case you haven’t heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn’t know how he’s going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I’m too old for this video. Actually, we’re all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a “Goodbye Internet” rap.

Didn’t Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

A Courtney Love In Training

Unless scientists find a way to make babies piss 100-proof alcohol and cough up weed buds, I’m probably not going to become a parent anytime soon, so I’m not sure how I’d feel if my 16-year-old daughter went out on the streets wearing this. Okay, I’ll be real with you. I’d probably applaud her ass and then make her replace her shoes with exquisite lucite heels. Yes, I’m already on Child Protective Services’ “wish list.”

At a block party for Teen Vogue last night, 16-year-old Taylor Momsen (aka Little Jenny from Gossip Girl) performed with her band Pretty Reckless wearing this. Don’t call her Noah Cyrus just yet, because it’s not that bad. The garter belt is the only thing that makes her look like an extra from Hookers at the Point. Besides, didn’t we all dress like graveyard-shift prostitutes when we were 16? I know I was wearing a garter belt under my pleated Cross Colours jeans. Yeah, I think my jeans were more offensive than the garter belt.