That Miley Just Can’t Be Tamed

Here’s Miley Cyrus trying to recreate the girl-on-girl Basic Instinct grind and doing her best “chola with the urges” face in her new video for some awful song called “Who Owns My Heart (SPOILER ALERT: Mickey Mouse does, still).” And seriously, Miley’s “chola with the urges” face looks more like “beaver with the hard shits” face. But there’s more important matters to discuss. Important matters that concern me.

After watching this video in its entirety, I can say with confidence that this sends the wrong message to our youth. Miley Cyrus is only 17-years-old in this video and not only does she have her own bathroom BUT she has a queen-sized bed in her bedroom too! THE FUCK? When I was 17, I was still writhing around like a horny worm on a twin bed! You will never learn the hardships of real life if you’ve never fallen off of a twin bed while trying to bring the sexy. And I had to wait for my sister to finish up in the bathroom before I could primp my shit for a night of R-Rated dry humping and booze guzzling in the church parking lot.

Do not show this to your chirruns or they’ll start begging you for adult-sized beds and their own private bathroom.

via ONTD

And Here’s The Video

That video of a then 16-year-old Miley Cyrus dry humping on a grown man has made its way onto the internet. TMZ posted the minute-long clip of the hillbilly filly freaking on 44-year-old Adam Shankman at the wrap party for The Last Song last year. The people who shot the video tell TMZ that they were offended by Miley’s gay man grind.

Once upon a time, I was in junior high school and watched the kids go much harder than this at dances. You could practically smell burnt cherries and pubic hair in the cafeteria, because kids were grinding on each other so hard. Shit was so real that the teachers even posted a “No Grinding Allowed” sign at all school dances. So seeing Miley do the Dance of the Seven Hos isn’t that escandaloso, but watching her do it with a grown ass man is kind of weird. Even if he is gay. If Chris Hansen didn’t already give up on Miley’s prostitot ways a long time ago, he would’ve popped up at this party for sure.

With all that being said, I’m more offended by their dance moves. I CAN’T. Adam Shankman gets paid to judge a dance competition and bitch looks like a gorilla trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on a chimp during an earthquake. And that lap dance on the banquet?! It looks more like a swarm of flies are attacking Miley’s crotch and Adam is trying to swat them away. BOY STOP!

Miley Being Miley

You might want to swallow that drink of moonshine before you keep reading, because this shit will make you choke on everything out of shock (no, it won’t). Radar is saying that there’s a tape going around of virginal Disney nun Miley Cyrus grinding on Adam Shankman at the wrap party for her movie The Last Song. Adam produced that wreck, and he also posted pictures on his Twitter a while ago of Miley giving him a fake lap dance.

Apparently, Miley and Adam were going so hard that several parents grabbed their children and headed for the exit. Radar explains:

The video, which RadarOnline.com has seen, shows Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.

Although Shankman is an openly gay man, sources tell RadarOnline.com that the dancing was “very inappropriate” and they fear that Cyrus, 17, is “heading down the same path as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.”

In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party sources tell RadarOnline.com.

This is the opposite of surprising. That’s how Miley ALWAYS dances. Anybody who has seen ten seconds of any of her performances knows this.

And I really doubt Billy Ray wasn’t there. Hell, he was probably the one videotaping it while Noah Cyrus clapped at her knee and shouted at Miley, “Put some stank on it like I taught ya, girl! Gititgititgitit!” Meanwhile, Tish was in the corner chewing the paint off a pillar. That’s how those Cyruses do!

What In The Name Of Noah Cyrus Is That Child Wearing?!

Here’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa showing off her 8-month-old daughter Audriana in the pages of InTouch Weekly. We all know that Teresa is tackier than spitting after giving a blow job in a back alley, but this is not the look any way you cut it.

Audriana should not be dressed up like a chorus girl in the Moulin Rouge or like Miss Kitty on holiday. If she got up, slipped on a cigarette tray and started shouting “CIGARS! CIGARETTES,” I wouldn’t even blink twice. That is the opposite of right.

Miley Cyrus Hates The Internet

Miley Cyrus thinks that instead of reading this post on the internet you should be outside chewing a block of wood down at the dam and enjoying real-life! Miley used to be the Queen Twatter of Twitter, but she left all of that behind and has realized that her life is better now that her eyeballs (and other parts) aren’t glued to the Internet all day long.

In an interview with Movieline, Miley talked about the dangers of the internet and how tweens are living their lives through Facebook. WARNING: Some of what Miley farts about might make sense to you. If you don’t want to know what the feels like, stop reading now and go chew a block of wood instead.

Miley on Twatting: “I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing. I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing. So I was that person who was like, ‘I’m so sad. I have no real, normal life, everyone knows what I’m doing.’ And I’m like, well that’s my own fault because I’m telling everyone. And then I’d tweet, ‘I’m here,’ and I’d wonder why a thousand fans are outside the restaurant. Well, hello, I just told them. So I’m just, like, kind of thinking doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Everything I’m saying is not really going with what I’m putting on the internet.”

Miley on how lame the Internet is: “I’m a lot less on my phone, I’m a little bit more social. I have a lot more real friends as opposed to friends who are on the internet who I’m talking to — which is like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real. I think everything is just better when you’re not so wrapped up in [the internet]. I just think it’s kind of lame. I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

Miley on how the Internet can murder your childhood: “I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Meanwhile, Noah Cyrus just uploaded a video of herself dancing around in a ruffled bikini to Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me.”

Katie Price Dreams Big Dreams For Princess Tiaamii

Most loving mothers pray to the Empress of Lucite late at night, and ask that their daughters grow up to be successful and fine young women. Katie Price is no exception. According to The Sun, Katie Price hopes that her daughter Princess Tiaaamamamiamaiami grows up to be a titty model just like her mother. Noah Cyrus, you’ve got some competition!

Katie apparently told her friend, “When Princess is 18 and goes to be a Page 3 girl, I’d encourage her. I’ll go: ‘Yeah, get them out for the lads’.”

Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your tit? It really is beautiful. “Get your tits out” is the new “Go to college.”

If my own mother sang me that lullaby before bedtime when I was a little gay, it would’ve brought a warmness to my heart. And then years later when I was getting my ass out for strange men in bars, I would’ve smiled inside knowing that I was making my mother proud (instead of feeling like I needed to cry in a hot shower).

Katie Price, get them tits out and come accept the award for Mother of the MILLENNIUM!