A Little Update On My Retina Woes 

September 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Pictured: The late great Pete Burns Me recuperating from my bitch ass left retina trying to leave me.

Over two weeks ago, the retina in my left eye did what your retinas (and ear drums) probably wanted to do when you were exposed to Taylor Swift’s “Bad Sandy” phase after she showed you that she’s no longer a goody goody teacher’s pet and is such an angsty rebel badass now that she skips class to vape in the bathroom (vape flavor of choice: pumpkin spice nonfat latte. I mean, you can dress the basic in shit from Hot Topic’s sales rack, but she’s still a basic…). My retina detached and I needed (insert redsiren.gif) EMERGENCY (insert redsiren.gif) surgery, which involved the doctor lasering down my fleeing retina and holding it down with an eye fart bubble (correct medical term: gas bubble). For two weeks, I had to lie down on my right side for 50 minutes out of every single hour. And yes, I spent most of that time singing an acoustic version of No Mercy’s Please Don’t Go to my left retina. (Yes, I just name-checked No Mercy. See what lying right side down for more than two weeks has done to me?) Some people have to lie face down for 50 minutes out of every single hour. I was secretly hoping I would be one of those people, because then I could’ve posted an “anonymous pump and go” ad on Craigslist Casual Encounters. That’s one way to pass the time.

Once my two weeks was up, I pried the right side of my face off of my mattress and hoped that I could return to Dlisted. That didn’t happen, obviously. At my follow-up, my doctor said I need more bed rest. Hopefully, I’ll be cleared soon and can go back to posting on Dlisted, because my fingers are really starting to sweat and shake from not typing “Hot Slut” and “cum curd” on a daily basis.

Thank you to everyone who has blown well wishes my way. And an extra special thanks to everyone who sent me fake and Photoshopped pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Seriously, a few people sent me that. You truly know what heals the eyes.

Pic: Pinterest

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