This Open Post is coming at you early, because I’ll be out for the rest of the day and all day tomorrow, and Mieka, Kristian, Deirdre, and Ben will handle all the foolery. I’ll be out until Thursday because I’m going to travel to London and stand out outside of Frogwhore Cottage and loudly wail as my arch rival Duchess Meghan gives birth to my other arch rival so that Prince Hot Ginge can hear my cries and know how he betrayed ME! No, like I’m allowed within 100 miles of Frogwhore. I’ll be out, because I’m getting my eyeball poked again, and not in a sexy way.
About a year and a half ago, my retina pulled a me 5 minutes into an Avengers screening and busted out of there. My retina detached, and so I needed surgery and a gas bubble to hold my retina down as it healed. It’s stayed put since then, but because of the gas bubble, I developed a fast-growing cataract in that eye. I may be a shitty 11-year-old on the inside, but I’m a 73-year-old on the outside. My sight in that eye is ten kinds of blurry and it’s like looking through a frosted window in a snowstorm. It’s like a built-in Instagram filter. And just like that, every influencer ran to their plastic surgeon to ask for The Cataract.
Cataract surgery is usually easier than anal with a 4-inch pencil dick, but mine is apparently trickier and I may need two surgeries. Or my surgeon will quit halfway through today after I keep ask-screaming if that home wrecking royal hussy had that baby yet.
And now I leave you with this riveting video of a dog loving life as he swings. Sure, there’s a million dog swinging videos on the internet, but dog swinging videos are like new episodes of Veep and 90% off Easter jellybeans at Target (seriously, I bought like 10 bags for $2): the world can never have too much of ’em. Plus, you know that off-camera, some little brat is pissed off that this dog took their favorite swing. Sorry, kid, it’s a dog’s world.