Samantha Markle better update the address of the half-sister who’d rather wear a coat that doesn’t sell out immediately than talk to her, because the next time she brings the paparazzi along to try to get into Kensington Palace, shit is going to look extra embarrassing for her since Meghan won’t be living there anymore. Just a month after it was announced that Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William are breaking up their offices at Kensington Palace, we learned that PHG and Meghan won’t be P. Willy and Duchess Kate’s neighbors anymore since they’re moving off to a quaint, little 10-bedroom cottage in the suburbs early next year. This is very good news for Prince George, because his delicate royal ears will no longer constantly be punched with the irritating sound of Meghan’s faux English accent, and he can turn his uncle’s old place into a giant closet for all his Mary Janes.
The Sun was the first to report that PHG and Meghan will move away from a 2-bedroom cottage at Kensington Palace into the reported 10-bedroom (other say it’s more like 5-bedroom) Frogmore Cottage on Frogmore Estate in Windsor, which is about 30 miles from London and where their mall jewelry store engagement photos were taken. Frogwhore Cottage (on purpose typo and it stays), which was gifted to them by THE QUEEN, is currently made up of 5 units and it’s where palace staff has been living. Fun fact: Wallis Simpson is buried at Frogmore Estate.
They’re currently renovating that bitch and turning it into a giant house complete with a nursery for the ginger royal baby, a gym, and a yoga studio for Meghan. In news that’ll definitely make Morrissey’s day, it’s been reported that tax money is paying for the renovations. So if you’re a tax-paying citizen of England and find yourself with a case of diarrhea while in Windsor, knock on the door of Frogwhore Cottage and say to whoever answers, “Out of the way, I’m going to need to drop a load into the $3,000 master bathroom toilet, which I helped pay for!”
A source tells The Sun that PHG and Meghan were going to move into a bigger place at Kensington Palace, but some brotherly drama made them change their plans:
“The initial plan was for Harry and Meghan to move out of their cottage in the grounds of Kensington Palace and into one of the main apartments. But there has been a bit of tension between the brothers. Now Harry and Meghan don’t want to live next to William and Kate and want to strike out on their own.”
The Daily Mail has added more layers of ESCANDALOSONESS to The Sun’s bit about “tension.” They say that PHG and Meghan packing off and moving away might have something to do with her and Kate not really bonding over their love of selling out a blouse in 5 seconds by wearing it out in public:
‘Kate and Meghan are very different people,’ the source said, adding: ‘They don’t really get on.’
But a different source says that there’s no drama, and that PHG and Prince William possibly splitting up their courts has to do with PHG growing up and starting a family. PHG and Meghan were supposedly looking at a place at Kensington Palace, but renovations were going to cost too much. Aliens from other planets were probably wondering what that booming cackle-like sound coming from earth was. Oh, it was just all of Britain laughing into the universe over the royals actually caring about how much something costs.
And in case you’re wondering, this is a little glimpse at Frogwhore Cottage:
If Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex move into a renovated Frogmore Cottage on the Windsor Castle estate, as reported @byEmilyAndrews, then safety considerations will have to be addressed, including access by the public. This is my photo of the cottage from 2016. pic.twitter.com/Iy308brp0W
— Patricia Treble (@PatriciaTreble) November 23, 2018
All together now: WHAT A FUCKING DUMP!
What they really need is a good lawn boy, and I’m definitely the one for the job. I’ll work for free (read: for air kisses from PHG and his worn chonies), I have an amazing green thumb (I was going to make a butt fingering joke, but I’ll spare us all), I love plants (read: the only plant I love is the plant I can smoke), plants love me (read: I once killed a plastic ficus), and I totally won’t do what other immature lawn boys would do, which is to say, “Welcome to Frogwhore!”, to guests walking up to the front door (read: I will totally say, “Welcome to Frogwhore!”, to guests walking up to the front door).