When The Pope Met Sandra Lee

I thought the Pope came to America to promote his mixtape, see Hamilton on Broadway and shoot a cameo on Empire. But now I know the real reason why. The Pope flew across the ocean to meet the First Lady of New York and the forever Queen of the Food Network Sandra Lee! Last night, Sandra Lee and her man Mr. Sandra Lee (aka Governor Andrew Cuomo) were at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC where Papal Franny led the evening prayer. Sandra, who recently declared that she’s cancer free, wrote on Facebook that at St. Patrick’s, one of the Pope’s minions summoned her over for a personal blessing from the King of Catholics.

Pope Francis personally blessed me last night at St. Patrick’s – he sent someone directly over to me to have me taken from my seat and brought to him. As he approached I could see a sparkle in his eyes, which were so warm and kind. As he stood in front of me he placed his thumb on my forehead and made the sign of the cross upon my skin.

That he even knew I was in the audience is overwhelmingly stunning to me as I did not greet him at the door with Andrew (the decision was made that no wives or significant others were to be included so I was certain I had missed my chance), but God works in mysterious ways!

Sandra Lee and the Pope are basically best friends now, because they met up again at a ceremony to honor the victims of 9/11.

I fully expect to see a very special episode of Semi-Homemade where the Pope guest stars and together they make spicy communion wafers out of Styrofoam peanuts and Tabasco sauce and fruity sacramental wine out of Hpnotiq and red vegetable dye.

Pics: Facebook

When The Pope Met The Saint

As expected, Pope Fracis met one of his bosses and God’s second-in-command at his palace in Vatican City. It was reported yesterday that Brad Pitt was supposed to tag along, but he wasn’t there for the most important religious moment in history, because Shiloh and Zahara went with St. Angie Jolie and the Vatican can only hold in so much holiness.

Dame St. Angie Jolie was at the Vatican to screen Unbroken and after the screening, she was summoned to the throne room in The Pope’s house to meet Pope Franny. E! News says that the meeting didn’t last that long. They gossiped about that saint-hating trick Scott Rudin and Pope Francis told St. Angie that he always sees her in pictures with a greasy hobo and she truly is a saint for helping the homeless. They touched hands for a second and afterward Pope Francis shook like a fangirl and was overheard saying, “Girl, I’m never washing this hand again.” The Pope should’ve paid proper respect to St. Angie by literally kissing her ass, but since she’s humble and gracious, she kissed his ring instead. That ring has since been protected in a vacuum-sealed bag and The Pope will cuddle with it every night. After the Catholic kiki with Pope Francis, St. Angie released this statement:

“To be invited to screen Unbroken at The Vatican is an honor and a tribute to Louie’s legacy as a man of faith and someone who exemplified the power of forgiveness and the strength of the human spirit. These are universal themes at the heart of the human experience everywhere.”

St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh (who is giving me “hipster going to a job interview”) also took this group picture in front of a portrait of a dove getting ready to attack The Pope’s face.

Well, Pope Francis hasn’t even been Pope for a year, but he had a good run. Now that he’s met St. Angie, he’s going to resign as Pope, turn in his white chichi hat, replace his wardrobe with all-black clothes and convert to Brangeloonieism.

Pic: Wenn.com

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Will Soon Bless The Pope With Their Presence

According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.

It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).

I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.

And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:

Pics: Splash

Sadly, Sinead O’Connor And The Pope Aren’t Going To Perform At The AMAs Together

“Screw Sinead, the AMAs and the Pope, tell me everything there is to know about the exquisite Leigh Bowery cholita beauty bombing this shot” said everyone looking at this picture.

The American Music Awards and Dick Clark Productions became Sinead enemy #3 (after Miley Cyrus and an empty bottle of ass lube) a few weeks ago when they allegedly tried to use Sinead O’Connor to give their award show a top trending on Twitter moment. I know, award show producers doing their job. CRAZY! In a NSFW post on her site that is topped with a gigantic, blurry picture of a soft, uncut trumpet dick with eyes, Sinead writes that six weeks ago the producers of the AMAs called up her record label and asked if she’d be interested in doing a mash-up of Nothing Compares 2 U and Take Me To Church. Because of the whole Pope picture ripping ESCANDALO of 1992, the producers had to get the okay from the network first. Sinead was into it.

Sinead thought that the chances of the AMAs performance happening were as slim as the chances of her not having a difficult brown time while getting butt fucked by an extra curved dick, but she still waited patiently for them to get back to her. They got back to her three weeks later and said that they were trying to find a “contemporary artist” for her to perform with and they promised that “contemporary artist” wouldn’t be Miley. The producers took another three weeks to tell Sinead’s record label that the performance was a no go. They weren’t able to book the “contemporary artist” they wanted Sinead to perform with and the “contemporary artist” they were trying to book was Pope Francis! The AMAs should’ve gone ALL the way. They should’ve ended all of Sinead’s “beefs” during her performance by getting Miley, the Pope and a dancer in a bleeding anus costume to twerk around her as she performed a dance remix of Take Me To Church.

Continue reading

Miley Cyrus Was Not Named TIME’s Person Of The Year

Earlier this month, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Tish Cyrus and Trace Cyrus went down into the “Miley 4 TIME’s Person of the Year” control center in the basement and used their fingers, toes, tongues, peen tips and hooves to vote for their hillbilly golden child over and over again. They tried it, but it’s the Catholic abuelitas who are doing the victory twerk today. Club bouncer turned super priest Pope Francis was chosen by editors as Miss TIME 2013. Pope Franny beat out Edward Snowden (second place), Edith Windsor (third place), Bashar Assad (fourth place), Ted Cruz (fifth place) and my personal choice La Vampy (first place in my heart). TIME called Pope Franny the “People’s Pope” and explained their choice like this:

But what makes this Pope so important is the speed with which he has captured the imaginations of millions who had given up on hoping for the church at all. People weary of the endless parsing of sexual ethics, the buck-passing infighting over lines of authority when all the while (to borrow from Milton), “the hungry Sheep look up, and are not fed.” In a matter of months, Francis has elevated the healing mission of the church—the church as servant and comforter of hurting people in an often harsh world—above the doctrinal police work so important to his recent predecessors. John Paul II and Benedict XVI were professors of theology. Francis is a former janitor, nightclub bouncer, chemical technician and literature teacher.

And behind his self-effacing facade, he is a very canny operator. He makes masterly use of 21st century tools to perform his 1st century office. He is photographed washing the feet of female convicts, posing for selfies with young visitors to the Vatican, embracing a man with a deformed face. He is quoted saying of women who consider abortion because of poverty or rape, “Who can remain unmoved before such painful situations?” Of gay people: “If a homosexual person is of good will and is in search of God, I am no one to judge.” To divorced and remarried Catholics who are, by rule, forbidden from taking Communion, he says that this crucial rite “is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.”

Obvious choice is obvious. Whenever I see shit saying that Pope Francis is progressive and changing the face of the Catholic church, Oda Mae Brown takes over my body and I say, “You in danger, Pope.”

And when I saw that cover first thing this morning, I thought it was Alan Alda in a really hot outfit. That makes me ask: Why in the hell hasn’t Alan Alda ever been Person of the Year?!