Prince George’s Auntie Is Getting Married

UsWeekly says that Duchess Kate’s blanched and sun-cooked turnip of a sister Pippa Middleton has an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger after her 36-year-old banker boyfriend of 15 months Nico Jackson proposed to her earlier this month. Prince George just rolled his newborn eyes to the right, pooted out a fart and cooed out, “She’s STILL trying it?”

A source tells UsWeekly that Pippa and Nico (which sounds like the names of Hoops&Yoyo’s greatest greeting card rivals) got engaged while vacationing at some fancy resort in India. The source said, “It was exactly how he planned it. Very romantic and grand!” Pippa and Nico will probably get married sometime next year as soon as they finish getting as many covers of Hello! and OK! as possible from this engagement.

In the darkest room of Kunty Karl’s underground dungeon, Choupette Lagerfeld nibbles on crushed diamonds from her maid’s palm as he uses a human bone pencil to sketch a wedding dress design for his all-time favorite British beauty Pippa Middleton. His sketch looks something like this:

And I’m calling it now, Morrissey is total writing a special bridal march song for her.

But What Does Morrissey Have To Say About This?

Pippa Middleton, the basic version of Jan Brady to Duchess Kate’s basic version of Marcia Brady, is getting bombed with bird shit by animal rights activists after this picture of her and some friends proudly smiling in front of a bird massacre was posted to Instagram over the weekend. The Daily Mail (via Canada.com) says that this isn’t Pippa first time hunting. While climbing up the social ladder, Pippa sometimes stops and pulls out her rifle to shoot at a bird flying by. Many said that this picture is covered with layers upon layers of disrespect and shame, because all these bright shiny hunters are smiling over a bunch of dead pheasants and partridges. Brian May of QUEEN was not amused by any of this and spit on all their smiling faces.

I struggle to understand the smiles in this picture. The Daily Mail thinks it's rather jolly. This is Britain 2013 http://t.co/Rgm20XfgWu

— Dr. Brian May (@DrBrianMay) October 6, 2013

This outrage reminds me… I have a friend on Facebook who always posts pictures of his food, because you know, I really need to know what goes into his stomach bag and food always looks extra delicious when it’s photographed in dim lighting with an iPhone. One time he posted a picture of him smiling huge while holding a plate of steak up to his face. One of his friends freaked out over the picture and wrote something like, “Tacky!  Would you take a picture of yourself smiling next to the carcass of a slaughtered cow?” Well, Facebook friend’s friend, Pippa Middleton would. Get her! Drag Her!

And well, at least Pippa isn’t showing off her ass in that picture. So there’s that.

Since Morrissey hates the royal family as much as he hates the killing of animals, I really need to hear him rant about this. But it might be a while before he releases a rage-filled rant, because it’ll take him a minute or two to find the head that blew off of his neck after he saw this picture.

Take All Them Panties Off. The Party Has Arrived.

Some fancy, hoity-toity ass British society wedding went down in England today and all the pinkies when up when Prince Hot Ginge came sashaying through with a twinkle in his eye that said, “Your ovaries: they are exploding, I know. Send me your gyno bill.” And by “pinkies” I mean clits. I mean, a clitoris is pretty much a vagina pinky.

On a real-life episode of Downton Abbey today, Lady Melissa Percy married Thomas van Straubenzee and I can’t believe Maggie Smith wasn’t there to roll her eyes at all of it. That should be a law. Anytime there’s a British society wedding, Maggie Smith SHOULD be there. But anyway, PHG was there and so was his current piece Cressida Bonas (aka THAT SKANK) and his ex-piece Chelsy Davy. Of course Cressida and Chelsy didn’t tear each other’s facesoff while trying to get on PHG’s crotch. Chelsy would never. She’s a true lady. She was probably too busy getting drunk on champagne and giving a quick handy to one of the groomsmen in the bathroom. I still don’t know why PHG stopped humping on Chelsy. She was always my favorite. She looks like she smells like vodka, drugstore foundation, old cigarettes and dried mascara clumps. Who wouldn’t want to inhale that all the time? Chelsy Davy looks like a piece of dried bronzer crust with blond hair. PHG is dim in the brains for letting that go.

Duchess Kate’s vagina royale is weeks away from shooting out the heir to the throne, so she wasn’t there, but Prince William and his bald spot were and so was Pippa Middleton, which isn’t surprising considering that cameras were there. If you ever want to see Pippa in the flesh for some reason, just pull out your camera and she’ll be there. But Pippa did wear this mess on her head:

The hell is that on her head?! It looks like two pigeon skeletons cumming out a pile of coagulated jizz balls. It looks like a silver tarantula foaming at the mouth. I bet the wedding had to be stopped halfway through because a flock of birds broke into the church to save their distressed loved on Pippa’s head. I swear, Pippa always has to make it all about her.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Hero Of The Day: Little Girl Shades Pippa Middleton

Most of the time children are like your mega drunk friend at the club: You have to carry them around everywhere, you don’t know what the hell they’re saying, you have to hold up their hair as they puke into the toilet, they’re always asking you for a mint or candy and they fall asleep while you’re talking to them. What I’m saying is that most of the time children are seriously annoying and get in the way of you freely boozing away. But sometimes, children are geniuses and made of magic. Case in point: the little girl in the clip above (via Buzzfeed).

The Middleton Family is like the Party City of Britain, or something, so Pippa Middleton knows all about party planning and she put it all into a book. You’d think that Pippa would only have to promote her book buy writing the words “BUY ME BOOK” on her ass since that’s really the only thing photographers take a picture of, but she actually has to hustle that shit in book stores too. Pippa hosted a Halloween party with a bunch of kids in a book store and asked them what they like. One girl said that she’s a tomboy and Pippa said that she bets she’ll be into princesses and pink crap by the time she’s 10. That’s when our hero of the day said to Pippa, “I hate princesses.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Replace those horns with a halo, because that child is an angel of wisdom. I don’t even care that homegirl said she’s into vampires, which means that she’s Twihard. I just love that she almost melted the orange off of Pippa’s face by saying that she hates Pippa’s sister. Fighting words!

Morrissey hates everything, but I can guarantee you that today, he loves this adorable princess-hater.

QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn’t Like Pippa Middleton’s Face

Oh, it’s been much too long since we’ve all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl’s ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It’s practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

“Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That’s like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I’m sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: “This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK“. Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn’t like her face then that means he’ll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins……