What Curfew?

After Dreamboat Doherty was arrested for the eleventieth time (I’m being modest), a judge totally grounded him and put his ass on curfew. When 7pm rolls around every night, Dreamy has to pick himself up off the pub floor and go to his room! However……there are exceptions.

The Sun says that the court let Dreamy break his curfew last night so he could go to his sister’s graduation party. They also let him push the whole curfew thing aside when he has to play shows. Oh and when the crack market drops too low, they also let him out for a few hours past curfew.

Okay, how many times has Dreamy been arrested? If you can count that high, then you are an expert counter who should probably teaching counting at The School of Counting. I don’t think a number that high exists! Dreamy should probably be marinating in a chokey cell somewhere, but he’s not! Instead he’s just on curfew, but not really! The UK court system is the “cool parent.”

If you ever plan on getting arrested (it’s on my bucket list), then do it in the UK and tell them your name is Pete Doherty. They’ll probably just say “awww,” pinch your cheeks, give you $20 for a rock and then send you on your way.

Dreamboat….. Oh, I Don’t Need To Finish This Shit

When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you should tell yourself is, “Pete Doherty got arrested today.” You know, so you won’t have a heart attack when you open up the internet and read that Pete Doherty got arrested today.

This is the second time this week that Dreamboat has found himself behind bars. The Guardian says that Dreamy was pulled over in Gloucester on suspicion of DUI. When they searched his car, they found a prayer book and a knitting kit. No, they found drugs. He was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and possession of drugs.

Dreamy is currently keeping it sexy in a jail cell.

Earlier this week, Dreamy was busted in Switzerland after he shot himself up with a needle in the bathroom of an airplane. They slapped him on the wrist, said “BAD CRACKIE” and then released him back into the wild.

In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled.

The Mile HIGH Club

I hope you’re up on all your shots, because we’re about to spend a little time with Dreamboat Doherty. You might want to hold your breath too…just in case. So, it feels like it’s been forever since Dreamy took part in one of his favorite activities: getting arrested. Dreamy just loves the feeling of cold steel handcuffs around his wrists and a cavity search which ends in a half a dozen officers barfing up their innards. It’s like Christmas times, so he thought he’d relive the magic for the ten millionth time.

This past Friday on a British Airways flight to Switzerland, Dreamy got out of his seat in coach, waltzed into the lavatory and got intimate with a hypodermic needle. I guess they had a wild ole’ time, because Dreamy passed the fuck out right there. Flight attendants found him taking a little crack nap with the needle by his side. When the plane landed in Geneva, Dreamy was arrested, fined and released. He played a show that day and returned back to London the next.

A source at British Airways tells the Sunday Mail that they are investigating the incident and could ban Dreamy FOR LIFE.

They’re not going to do that! It’s all talk. I mean, how can you punish that precious face? It’s like catching a toddler shooting up the wrong shit in the bathroom of an airplane. You would just shrug your shoulders, take away his toy, pat him on the head and tell him not to do it again. The same goes with Dreamy!

Dreamboat Misses Kate Moss

When Dreamboat Doherty is sitting in front of a broken mirror, he softly weeps to himself, because he’s expecting the hand of Kate Moss to cut the lines or lick the residue off one of his crack sores in his nose. And Kate’s no longer there. And that’s sad. Dreamy was hoping to woo Kate back at Lily Allen’s show, but Lily’s whores put a stop to that fuckery! Dumb bitches got in the way of crack’s favorite couple getting back together.

Dreamy told Q Magazine that he was upset about it, “I wanted to see Lily Allen play the other week. But her label EMI got in touch and said, ‘We don’t want you there because Kate Moss will be there and it will take attention away from Lily. Can you not go? I was so insulted. I don’t know. I think I would have been courteous enough. Then I’d probably have headbutted her new boyfriend, put her over my shoulder and run off. I miss her. And I would like to speak to her.”

Jamie Hince has been warned. A headbutt from Dreamy will give him a permanent case of hair maggots. Bitch better wear a bar of soap around his neck at all times to ward off The Doherty.

Fuck Lily, fuck Jamie and fuck Kate too! Dreamy doesn’t need that shit. Kate is a bad influence on him! He’s as pristine as my no-no on a Sunday now and the last thing he needs is that drunk ass snagtooth whore to fuck up all his good work!

In a few months, she’ll be back on her knees, begging Dreamy back. I hope he carefully puts the bible down, excuses himself from the sick orphans he was reading to and kindly tells Kate to fuck the fuck off!

VIA MTV UK

Dreamy’s Arm Went Boom

Dreamboat Doherty has been missing in action lately. I figured he fell into a gutter somewhere or was mistaken for a corpse and accidentally buried with a funeral and everything. I never worry about Dreamy, because he is indestructible and will live forever. He’s got the lifespan of a damn turtle.

According to Holy Moly!, Dreamy has been busy making music. Basically, that just means he’s been smoking crack and shit. Basically. Well, Dreamy’s heroin fun times went a little too far and his arm kind of exploded from a burst artery or something. Dreamy immediately called the doctor, I’m assuming with his other hand, and the back alley medic man came right over to fix him up. But when the doctor got there, Dreamy was already prancing through the china white clouds, so he wouldn’t let the doc near him. The doc had to chase Dreamy around his house. He finally caught up to Dreamy and took him to the hospital.

Dreamy had go to the hospital, just because his arm exploded? I didn’t know he was such a lightweight. That shit happens to Amy Wino on a daily basis. Wino just shrugs, duct tapes her arm back together, puts a little spackle over it and gives it a crackie kiss. That’s how a real professional crackhead does it!

THE SEX

I just need to spray his shit down with some Raid, pour some bleach powder on that cracksore, duct tape a dental dam over it, form a prayer circle around him and then go to fucking town! Yes, I’d still rub my no-no parts all over Dreamboat Doherty’s nuclear war zone face. I’d gaze into his beautiful crack eyes and lick his fresh-out-of-the-butt corn teeth. I am not ashamed to admit it even if it lands me on the CDC’s “one to watch” list.

Here’s Dreamy going to some gig in Camden last night. He takes his laptop everywhere, because it reminds him of me. No, he’s probably taking it to his dealer to see how many grams he can get for it.