Kelly Osbourne Says Ozzy And Sharon Have Not Split

And in non-baby related news, let’s talk love lives. Messy ones. Why the hell would we talk about not messy ones? That’s not news. That’s your Aunt Jean and her “good friend” Ben. No. Today we’re checking back in with one of the great loves of our time. And your parents’ time. If you’ll remember correctly, because one of these people for sure as hell can’t, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne apparently split back in May. But Now Kelly Osbourne is saying that no, no, no, it’s all good and her parents are still together.

Back when this SCANDAL broke, source types said it was because Sharon had hard evidence that Ozzy was getting his pepaw peepee pawed at by some “home wrecking” slut. The woman in question, Michelle Pugh, is a hairdresser. Which brings us to the best part of this whole thing. The last time Kelly got involved in this totally real, not PR-smelling stunt for The Talk, she let Michelle Pugh have it on Twitter! We can at least thank her for making “chunky low-lights” part of everyone’s everyday lexicon. A few days ago, while speaking to The Insider (via Entertainment Tonight) at the Babes for Boobs event (which I’m hoping involves people dressed up as sexy, big tittied versions of Babe the pig), Kelly was asked how her parents were doing and she said this:

“My mom and dad are together right now! I will never not be good with my dad. That does not mean that I think what he did wasn’t f**king stupid, but that’s between him and I. I’m a daddy’s girl. I love my dad.”

I’m glad that she and Sharon have seemingly at least moved past something that Ozzy most likely doesn’t remember happening. I would assume that from all the drugs, alcohol and bat blood, not to mention his age, he can barely remember what he ate a few hours ago, let alone a maybe affair from almost two months ago. Good for them. True love wins!

Pic: Wenn

Leave It To Kelly Osbourne To Add Another Layer Of Messiness To Her Dad’s Cheating Situation

Just when this whole Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne breaking up ESCANDALO was dying down and the media was moving on, Kelly Osbourne has stepped onto the stage and has kept it alive by dousing it with gallons of pure liquid foolery. If this entire thing really is a shameless stunt to promote The Talk and Black Sabbath’s tour, then Sharon Osbourne should give Kelly a huge bonus, because she sicced her followers on her dad’s supposed ex-side ho and has screamed “ELDER ABUSE!”

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Sharon Osbourne Finally Speaks About Splitting Up With Ozzy

After taking yesterday off to throw some stuff in cardboard boxes and Yelp a couple moving companies, Sharon Osbourne returned to The Talk today. In case that huge glass of lemonade she was sipping on was too subtle, Sharon was ready to talk about her recent split from Ozzy Osbourne. Despite that very obvious reference to Beyonce, Sharon wouldn’t say anything about Michelle who does the good hair (aka Michelle Pugh, the hairdresser that Ozzy might have cheated on Sharon with). But she did admit that the rumors are true and that she’s no longer with Ozzy.

Sharon began by thanking everyone for reaching out to her during this crappy time in her life, and added that she feels “empowered” by the situation. Sharon then went on to confirm that she did kick Ozzy out of the house, but he came back, and now she’s out of the house because she needs time to think about it all. Eventually Darlene Conner chimed in and asked what makes this time so different from all the other times they’ve called it quits, and she answered:

“Because I’m 63 years of age, and I can’t keep living like this.”

As for what will happen with Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage, she says she doesn’t know if they’ll stay together or get divorced. A source tells People that as of right now, there are no plans to call up a divorce lawyer and fight over who gets custody of the dogs. Another source tells TMZ that it’s “undecided.”

You can watch Sharon’s entire “I Will Survive” moment here. Out of all the kind words that Sharon received from the ladies around that table, I think the nicest was Sheryl Underwood’s offer to take out her earrings, pull out the Vaseline, and roll up on Ozzy with her cousin. She was clearly joking, but it’s nice to know that Sharon has a ride or die bitch on her side in case a trick needs whooping.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYpL8D5CVk4

Pic: CBS

True Love Is Dead, Part 583: Ozzy And Sharon Osbourne Split Up Again

Get your mourning gear and prepare yourself for some possible wailing and tears. Make sure you have plenty of tissues, Meg Ryan movies and ice cream, because it might be a very sad and lonely time. Our friend, True Love, is possibly sitting in a car somewhere with the engine running in a locked garage. Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne may be done, for the 186,795th time.

E! News broke the story and they’re making it out like it’s very mature and organized. Their source says that they agreed together that Ozzy should move his ass out and that the split has nothing to do with Ozzy’s falling off the wagon. The source says that Ozzy has been dry and sober for over 3 years. But…

The Mirror is reporting that Sharon has proof of Ozzy’s crotch worm meandering into a side piece and she’s not happy about it this time. The alleged side piece in question is a celebrity hairstylist named Michelle Pugh. Things apparently got real bad last week when Ozzy disappeared and Sharon thought he had gone on a booze and drugs bender. And a rep for Ozzy confirms that he’s not living with Sharon by saying, “At this time Ozzy is not at the marital home.”

There have been a million stories of them breaking up, like when Ozzy took to Facebook to let people know he’d fallen off the wagon real bad but that he and Sharon were fine. They also managed to make it through the “Ozzy fucking the nannies“ phase. These two have been married for 34 years, so maybe they’ll take a page out of Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito’s book. But my question is, since it seems like Sharon does EVERYTHING for Ozzy, how did he manage to screw a ho without her help? Maybe that’s the proof Sharon has. One day, she heard Ozzy scream from the other side of the house, “SSSHHHHAAAARRRRROOOOONNNN, come help me put me prick in Michelle’s muff!”

Pic: Wenn

And Now For Some Nanny Drama Courtesy Of Sharon Osbourne And A Drugged-Up Ozzy

Take a good look at Ozzy Osbourne’s “Oh shit” eyes in that picture above; they’ll be making an appearance later in this story.

Earlier this week, the ladies of The Talk discussed the story of Susan Sarandon’s aspiring-blogger daughter who fired her nanny after the nanny tried to seduce her husband. Sharon Osbourne had a lot to say, because she says she knows a thing or two about nanny drama. Sharon worked full-time when her kids Aimee, Kelly, and Jack were little. Since leaving three children with 1980s Ozzy Osbourne would have sent a direct red alert to CPS, she hired several nannies to look after them. According to Sharon (via UsWeekly), all of her nannies were a bunch of Ozzy-banging fame whores.

“We used to have four nannies, because I had three children. I would work five days a week, I would travel. You can’t work a nanny 7 days a week, so there would be four nannies, rotating. And I’m telling you, they were the bane of my existence. They were all wanting to be celebrities, they all want money. Unlucky me…I caught two of them in bed with Ozzy, different times.”

That’s what you get for scouting potential nannies in the parking lot of a Black Sabbath concert, Sharon. No, they clearly came from London’s skankiest nanny agency, Pussy Poppins.

Darlene Conner piped up and said that maybe Ozzy was the one Sharon should’ve been pissed at, considering he was the one writing the end-of-week bonus checks with his dick. But it’s not Ozzy’s fault, says Sharon, because he didn’t know he was fucking the nannies.

“No way, he’s out of his mind. He’s calling them his first wife, he’s calling them me.”

Eventually Sharon decided to solve her problems by hiring a male nanny named “Big Dave.” Sharon’s final thought on nannies: “Never trust a nanny.”

I know this isn’t a #NotAllNannies situation, but Sharon’s first mistake in finding a nanny that wouldn’t fuck her husband was not hiring an 85-year-old no-shit-given, brown-nylon-stockings-wearing grandma. Although, even that might not have been enough. After all, she’s still a woman. And no woman in the 1980s could resist the human Spanish Fly that was a coke-snorting, bat head-biting Ozzy Osbourne.

Pic: Splash

Ozzy Osbourne Fell Off The Wagon, But He’s Not Getting a Divorce

Yesterday, the mound of rotten cottage cheese in my head farted up the image of Ozzy Osbourne walking aimlessly in a circle with his dick in his hand for hours, because TMZ said that he’s no longer living with Sharon Osbourne and how can he function without her ass?! TMZ said that Sharon and Ozzy are living in different places and not spending any time together.

As Sharon tried to cure herself of the sads in Mehico, Ozzy wrote a Facebook letter to his family and fans where he said that his marriage isn’t completely over, but he spent all of last year guzzling down booze and the bad shit, so he needs some time to get his shit right.

For the last year and a half I have been drinking and taking drugs. I was in a very dark place and was an asshole to the people I love most, my family. However, I am happy to say that I am now 44 days sober.

Just to set the record straight, Sharon and I are not divorcing. I’m just trying to be a better person.

I would like to apologize to Sharon, my family, my friends and my band mates for my insane behavior during this period………and my fans.

God Bless,
Ozzy

Ozzy and Sharon have been married for a million years and they’ve probably been through this a million times before. Ozzy gobbles down the bad shit, gets messed up, bites off at an animal’s head, gets in a mumble fight with the air, Sharon leaves, Ozzy gets clean, Sharon comes back, etc… etc… I’ll bet my entire collection of anal beads that they’ll get back together. Ozzy should hope that they get back together before Black Sabbath’s tour starts in August, because he’s going to need her ass. I don’t know how Ozzy is going to walk on stage let alone perform for thousands of people. They should use a hologram.